Toadette's Story

Chapter 18 - Desert Survival

Note to self: never expect a kid to keep up with you at full sprint. Penelope lagged like a sack of potatoes, and here I was zipping at a cheetah’s speed.

“Kid, I hate to say this, but you’re really weighing us down right now.”

Breathless, Penelope fell to my feet. “It’s hot. I’m tired… And your feet still smell like fish guts.”

“If you’d stayed home like I suggested, maybe you wouldn’t be dying out here.”

“Carry me.” She gave a half-hearted attempt to stick her arms up.

Considering she wasn’t much shorter than me, the true test was learning if I could lift her in the first place. Grabbing her by the waist accomplished nothing, nor did lifting under her arms. What the hell did she eat? Ugh, for all I knew, the princess and Minh T. were in some danger. And if the former died or suffered some severe injury, Her Highness would pin that on me. But damn it, all my ideas fizzled into dust. Except…

I kicked the moaning girl off my feet and bent down.

“Hop on my back.”

Now she sprung to life, crushing my back like how Mario crushes Yoshis.

“Thank you, Miss Toadette.”

She could thank me next time by simply not joining me. Now with this creature riding me, we made progress to the other side of the mountain. If climbing the mountain was only a mild hurdle on the west side, the east side was like walking up an endless hill. Gravity tried to keep me from reaching my destination but leaning forward kept us barely stable. Okay, now this footwear was uncomfortable. While the stockings prevented the flats from chafing my feet, the heat and pressure from walking uphill made them sizzle. And though the sweat wasn’t too extreme before, water and sand now flooded my shoes.

Time was running out! Now we were running through a field of endless Monty Moles. Not familiar with them? They love throwing rocks and teasing you. And boy, was I battered when we escaped that section. One got me right in the shoulder, eventually leading me to drop Penelope.

“That’s it, boulder! Walk!”

There it was, in perfect sight. The rickety bridge signified the end of the eastern mountainside. But where were those two? I looked up, down and all around. The only people in this area were myself and the kid.

Penelope smacked the sand out of her hair. “Miss Daisy’s probably tyin’ those guys up somewhere.”

“You got more faith in her than I do.”

The mountain began to descend into a roundabout stairwell of sorts. Just a few steps forward, and we’d be officially in Dry Dry Desert. That name alone takes all the moisture out of your mouth. And just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, we had a sandstorm in front of us. Ouch! The heat went from typical to sweltering. Imagine being baked in a giant oven while wearing two layers of clothing. Ooh, I was gonna leave here with a nasty burn. Bet on it.

“There’s sand in my eyes!”

Unfortunately for Penelope, we were at the utter mercy of whatever weather this place wanted to throw at us. Wait! Through my squinted vision, something in the distance faded in and out. A tree? As I pulled us closer to the object, it was undoubtedly one of this region’s long and tall palm trees. But around the base, there was something else.

“WE HAVE ENEMIES!!”

Huh!? After hearing that, three or four people pushed me into the sand. As they struggled to yank my jacket off, Penelope was shrieking like mad.

“Nice of you to join us.”

Whose voice was that!? It sounded deep and demonic, and it was too far to be one of the people attacking me. I could barely see in front of me with this sandy air. Meanwhile, the voices on top of me babbled in an incoherent language. My wrists tightened together, and the same went for my legs.

Against the pressure of the storm, I opened my eyes. Five figures stood before us. Three were very tall, and two were very short. Minh T. got their description right over the phone, as the only thing noteworthy was their black coats. Except for the one in the middle, that is. He had a white coat with a crown on his head.

Princess Daisy’s crown, no doubt! Except, did her crown typically come in silver?

“The short weirdos caught us from behind.”

Now that was her voice. If I looked to the right, the princess squirmed in the same restricted manner as me. Only she was on her stomach with her feet tied in the air. But the other two were gone as far as my eyes told me.

“Minh T., you here?” I gritted my teeth as best I could to block all this sand from my mouth.

“Hot, injured n’ sweaty, but yep.”

Sorry, friend, but your mood-lightening attempts were in vain right now. The figure in white marched up to me with his hands behind his back.

His voice echoed through the sandland. “Now, I predicted Peach would send someone to assist Sarasaland’s ineffective ruler. But two Toads and her own child? Now that’s invigorating.”

Penelope yelled out, “Listen, mister. If you don’t untie us right—”

“You hear that, boys? The child’s got guts.”

He walked to Princess Daisy, sticking his shiny, red hand out. “A pleasure getting to know you for a short while, Princess Daisy. Don’t panic. I’ll personally assure that Sarasaland gains a superior leader after your passing.”

While the princess lunged at him, those bindings killed any attack she planned.

“Who even are you?” I demanded to know.

The man burst in laughter. “Trying to track us down was a mistake, little girl. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.”

With a snap of his fingers, two of his goons followed him off into the distance. Which direction? No idea, for the haze obscured everything that wasn’t three metres in front of me.

Left behind to patrol us were two of the shorter men. One carried a heavy-looking spear. The other held a platinum-coloured hammer, something you’d expect the Mario Bros. to be swinging around.

Penelope, whose voice came from behind me, squeaked out, “Miss Toadette, do something.”

“Like what? Why does everyone think I’m this master problem-solver?”

Just then, a sharp pain struck me in my side. The man with the mallet raised his voice.

“Enough, you miserable little mushroom. We’re deciding which one of you to finish first.”

The spear-wielder chimed in, “Coin flip, man. Plain and simple.”

“Yeah, you’re a real genius. Flip a coin where both sides are the same.”

Without a weapon of any kind to cut myself free, my options for survival dwindled. And hearing these two bicker about how they’d off us didn’t help matters.

While I brainstormed, Princess Daisy whispered, “Might be an inappropriate time to say this, but I could really use a foot worship right about now.”

Minh T. couldn’t stay silent on the matter, of course. “Right!? I’m all smelly and sticky now.”

And third time’s the charm, with Her Highness’s daughter chiming in. “If someone could get this sand from between my toes, that’d help a little.”

Obviously, that’s inappropriate! We were on the verge of dying, and they brought up their feet? As if anyone was thinking about “worshipping” their probably-smelly feet.

Alright, back to planning. Hmm… On second thought, maybe I deserved the title of Master Problem-Solver.

I looked at the two figures. “How about smelliest feet, you two?”

The man with the mallet went, “A suggestion? Glasses Toad, repeat yourself.”

“Simple. You two smell all our feet, and whoever’s stink the worst dies first. You can even spice it up and lick to see who has the nastiest.”

From my left, Minh T. cried out, “Aw, come on! So it takes you dying to let someone do this!?”

The guards turned around, chattering again in their language. If they said yes to this proposal, we had no guarantee things would work out. My wrists may have been tied, but my fingers were crossed.

When they faced me again, the one with the spear said, “See, that girl knows how to set a killin’ order.”

Good, good. Now they walked over to Minh T. Once I shut my eyes, my hearing was the only sense I needed to observe this. They slid Minh T.’s worn-out flip-flops off her feet, and the sand between her toes could be heard crunching.

“Why didn’t I wear my fresher flip-flops today?”

Okay, now there was reason to panic. As the guards sniffed and sucked on her feet, I envisioned how disgusting they must taste. Maybe there was some bad grime sticking to her heels. Or a patch of soil hidden underneath her wrinkles. Or perhaps that awful word I don’t want to say was between her toes, too.

Minh T.’s laughing ramped up, occasionally interrupted by coughing on the sand drifting through the air.

“They don’t have a scent.”

The mallet-wielder rose. “Nor a taste. She’ll be low on the execution list. Peach’s daughter, let’s go.”

Phew, that was close. Guess it had some truth behind it, though. Minh T.’s feet never really stunk badly, even in gym class. A miracle when her soles would be covered from heel to toe in dirt. The guards left her gasping, curling her audibly slimy toes now.

Between her puffs of air, she sighed, “Wow… Eat my toe jam, why don’t ya?”

Yuck, she said the word! Or words.

Now these idiots did their routine on Penelope. First, they sniffed at her feet, then licked them. Penelope giggled, but I picked up nervousness in her voice without question. Like her giggling was faked. One of the guards made a lip-smacking noise.

“These ain’t too bad now.”

“Smells like Shroom Cake.”

Alright, that was a vile lie. She roamed half of this mountain wearing sneakers with… Socks, of course. They’re the ultimate sweat and funk absorbers. On the plus side, it meant she was safe for now. Princess Daisy is where all hope in this plan succeeding disappeared. With her always proud about how stinky her feet are, I trembled in anticipation.

When they got to her, she scoffed and muttered, “No shame in bullying a princess, huh?”

“We’re doin’ your people a favour, Daisy.”

“Indeed,” the mallet-wielder said, smacking her feet. “Sarasalanders have enough problems as is. They don’t need a narcissist running their lives.”

Ruining lives, huh? Not something she mentioned to me about her outstanding leadership. Well, here it was. The moment I waited for. My eyes fought the sand to see what was going on entirely. And I gasped when I saw these figures at her feet. Their hoods didn’t come down or anything. Her big feet just vanished into black voids of nothingness as the sounds of smelling intensified.

The mallet-wielder gagged. “Two days stepping in trash is where these feet have been.”

Now the spear-wielder appeared to be licking her toes. “Sick! Saltier than the Toad bitch’s feet.”

He immediately got up and swung his spear at Princess Daisy’s neck. I let out a shrill scream.

“Let’s just cut her right now, my dude!”

The mallet-wielder used his weapon to knock the spear back. “Fair is fair. We sniff the nerdy Toad’s feet, then we can finish off the princess.”

Yes! Never have I been so happier to get my feet sniffed than now!

The spear-wielder marched over to me, grumbling. “Good. I’ve been waiting to use this thing proper for months now.”

They pulled off my flats, being welcomed by my curling toes. There was just one problem, though. You see, my stockings were still on my feet. Oh, what was a poor, helpless girl to do?

Licking my lips and raising my pitch, I went, “If you wanna play fair, rip my stockings off. I gotta be barefoot like the others, right?”

They tore the stockings open like they were nothing, and now the dry air peppered some sand onto my sweaty toes. The goons placed my feet within their hoods, and a light tickle met my feet.

“Holy—”

No, they’d better have kept going. I egged them on, splaying my toes about. “Lick ‘em, lick ‘em. Mmm…”

Feeling their tongues between my toes creeped me the hell out, but hearing them gag on them satisfied me equally. A few seconds in, their bodies stopped moving. One still had my big toe wiggling in his mouth, along with sand, sweat and any other icky element.

“So, how were my feet?”

With no response, I squirmed my way over to pick up that spear. Thank the stars that the dude with the mallet didn’t leave me out of the equation.

Princess Daisy shook her head. “Unbelievable…”

While they must’ve been in shock, I was still chuckling like a little girl. “Thank the kid for reminding me how bad my feet can smell in these things.”

Side to side, a little more wiggling… SNAP! My hands were free! And with a careful slice, I released my legs from their bondage. After all this tension, the blood in my body began to settle and slow my adrenaline. First, I cut the princess, then Penelope, and finally Minh T.

Penelope picked up her bag and ran into my arms. You know, this comfort was well-needed. In my sizzling embrace, she asked, “Can you please put your shoes on, Miss Toadette?”

Heh, with pleasure. My stockings may have been ripped, but the shoes still beat traversing here barefoot. When I went to pick up my flats, Minh T. scooped them up. Oh no. She lifted the footwear up to her nose. Yet, just short of that, she smiled and tried to return them to me.

“Thanks for savin’ us and all with your um… smelly, warm, probably-sweaty feet.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “What the hell. Go ahead and sniff ‘em.”

Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and quickly disappeared in the insoles of my shoes. For each long sniff, Minh T. let out a long, broken moan. Kinda cute, kinda disturbing. Wasn’t too long before she began coughing again, though.

“Ooh, might have to save these for later, Toadette.”

Princess Daisy glanced at the horizon and slapped her forehead. “You gotta be kiddin’ me. We’re about to go from a baby sandstorm to a violent dust devil.”

THIS is what she considered babyish!? Damn it all. And we had no idea where the other bad guys were anymore. Fortunately, I knew someone who could remedy this. The only question was if they would assist us. With the faint path in the sand being visible, east and west were now clear.

I pointed to the east, “Those two can wake up any minute now. Dry Dry Outpost should protect us for a bit.”

“We gotta get MY crown back from that—”

“And we’re going to, princess.”

She put her hand on her hips, and admittedly, I put my hands up in defence. The hit didn’t come, though. What was going on?

“Drop the formality already. Cool people don’t gotta refer to me as Princess Daisy, got it?”

I nodded, thanking the princess. But dropping that respectful title would take some getting used to.