SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

It Can Make Sense

With great power there must also come great responsibility to be even more evil, but good like Robin Hood, while demonized without narrative controlled by dystopian giants silently stomping on necks with narcissistic, sociopathic and irrevocable mind words that wind the empty clocks and inspire an ignorant clown with what to lance when among decoy windmills.

It's about response to provocation. We make mistakes. We learn. Through repetition, we discover what they exploit: our vulnerability, shame and/or guilt to get us to act poorly, to weaken our position, to dehumanize us and make us compliant and weak. And, if you should withstand the torment of arrogant indifference amid whatever area of life you wander, you'll likely be hurt, feel pain like grief. Perhaps, it's because they see in each of us something unresolved, from childhood, relationships, or just life, that we never overcame. They whisper in your head, intimate in some fashion and know all the while they are pushing your buttons. The more relentless, the more they are the monster.

Rest awhile. Don't confront them on their terms. You can use denial just as easily as they do. They do not deserve entry or judgment in souls that desire to soar, feel good. If being good is a part of that aim, we contribute to society. If they are just out to steal souls for their own gain, they create the deficient. It's why as a society we keep losing, keep retreating further back. Don't seek drama. And know, you are entitled to your own drama. I hope you sort it out.

I go with the mantras: God decides, thank you God, I'm sorry, as much as I can. Hopefully, one day I will be ready to look fondly on the things I'm thankful for. Not there yet. I could tell you why...that's why some things should remain personal. But know, anything you take to the table, manipulators will use. Just ask them, if you feel smart, 'read any good dystopian books lately?'

Though, it's not necessary. I guess we're taught zingers are supposed to be effectual. It might feel good to say. Yet, it won't affect a narcissist/sociopath, who either won't get it or will just deflect...maybe even, throw it back into your court.

And, you can always use personal writing (like this) too sort it out.

4.17.22

Part 2

You can get caught in a trap, as an unsuspecting soul with no outward intentions when you cross paths with them. You realize what you seek on your path is blocked by them and it feels unfair. Feeling provoked, you react. But, you're not conditioned for the proper response and what you say or do can fail you. You have no recourse because they know the outcomes, they set the rules, you either play it their way, or give up the game. But then, you think you are clever enough to go around them. You can sense they are upset by this. They want their control back, for whatever reasons. Friends have a hierarchy you're not allowed to subvert or crack. You can get left out. There are cliques at work where you don't fit in and taking one or two people aside can backfire and you are in a bigger hole. It is social order. It can go beyond politics. You're a fish out of water because you are what they labeled as 'goody two shoes' when you were growing up. You hated that and wanted to show them you could do something bad to fit in. And that just got you in more trouble, because, again, you're not good at it. It isn't who you are.

But going through life this makes you jaded, cynical and outwardly buffoonish for trying to overcome these traps. But, you can see them for what they are. But, lay down? Let them walk over you? I was told again and again, you can walk away. Find new friends, a new job and hope rolling the dice you'll be satisfied with the next. But, what if there is a target on people like me and I just don't see it. Perhaps, my ignorance trained me to be the person that people want to hate. When my self-esteem got low, I tried to brag and build myself up. Now, I was an ass. It took a lot of years and a lot of cynicism and pushing people away to realize that I should just embrace their stupid games and walk right through the maze. There really are no walls, if you just don't care.

It's not walking away. It's walking right past them. I won't say I have friends. I can say I have a job that pays the bills, but no associations have formed there in 10 plus years. the same goes for where I work out, play sports. I can chat a few people up, but I walk out that door just as alone as I did when I walked in. I got used to being alone. I got used to being different. I just didn't know why until I was diagnosed late last year. I'm different. I'm odd. I probably don't make any sense, especially when I'm forced to veil comments in a public forum like this. Just let me have this.

Let me have the frustration of having to walk through an ignorant world and be dissatisfied with it. I still find joy in writing and doing and sports and my job and family, if the conditions are right. And when one isn't working, I jump into the other. When I realize I'm boring or annoying people I skip into the next arena and next. But mostly, I spend a lot of time alone with my words, with my thoughts, binge watching shows, sometimes 12 times through, and a huge audiophile. With the internet, it's a limitless world. Learning I don't need friends has made it easy to deal with rude, snobbish people in my walks of life. I've met a lot of sweet people, but I think they're not sure about me. No one just comes right out and asks. So, I assume they just don't give two farts.

I guess, what I'm trying to point out, is that it's odd we are so riled up in this world about people's rights and yet we character assassinate people we don't know. Good people. It's dehumanizing to be around people who just see you for your job title, for the one sport you share, a cartoonish parent, or whatever. I try to take writing seriously. But, I'm just wasting time writing poetry. But, I'm not wasting time inside my mind. I'm learning new things every day and understanding more. It's ramped up since my new medication and therapy.

I leave it with this. Guys at the gym. Greedy SOBs that don't want to share the court, keep others off. If you're old, you don't catch the ball. You get yelled at if you make one mistake by these superstars that take 20 shots to make five. But, it's not about me. What made me cry the other day is a sweet, young man named Ethan. I've seem him come to the gym for years. He was a little slow, like to talk about where he shops for high tops and buys sports drinks and was atheletic enough and could shoot well enough to play. I don't know his story personally, but since the pandemic, he's come back to the gym. He's much slower, like someone who suffered a stroke. He moves slowly but is still so sweet. He wanted to play a game. It was his turn. I watched them turn him away by saying 'you got next' which the greedy ones will do when they only want certain people on the court. Against Y rules. Everyone looked away. I kept saying Ethan should be in. I told Ethan, you didn't play yet, you're in. But no one acknowledged, which is usual, because all ignore and too many voices. Ethan came back to play again and I was supposed to play and I saw no one was going to let him in. I turned to him and said, "You play for me. Everybody, Ethan's taking my spot." I love to play, but I hate injustice more. Ethan is black and so were over half the guys at the gym. I was sad at how he was treated. He loves basketball. I watched him play. I rooted for him from the sideline when I started to cry. I cried because sweet people are shoved aside in this world. Sweet people who just want to be a part of something, enjoy the game. Ethan has done nothing wrong. He has physical limitations now. Who knows, some help and encouragement, he could play like he once did. I don't know if can be rehabilitated. I don't know who to ask, if anyone has bothered to learn.

This is where my anger comes from, my contempt. I have deep pockets of empathy and have cried over stuff like this before, but never at the gym. I hid my tears. I looked up at the lights. I tried not to be jaded about it. I wanted to have a natural, human response to the situation. I feel helpless, because it's at my core. It's being different and not being accepted when you try to be a part of something where you're not wanted. Ethan is too sweet to get frustrated, to become passive aggressive, to write missives to the world and no one about how ignorant we are today. We don't fight for human  rights. We're a bunch of machines with triggers for hot button topics. We don't talk, we posture, we feel hate easier than we feel love. And I'm tired of writing complete sentences and just want to run on. But for what?

This is for Ethan, world. I would do anything in my power, and we know how limited that is. Greedy people fix the game. They win. I just won't tell them no mas to their faces, to appease them. They can shun me, stab me where it hurts most, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll just keep writing and ranting and continuing to seek avenues to find a way to write myself out of this mess of a world and enlighten others somehow along the way. Use a metaphor here for a fat chance in...

4.19.22

I'll probably have a part three after I edit part two, which was unplanned. Maybe, next will be about how God seems to tip the scales in my favor and let's me see things normal people don't. Who the fixers are, what their game is, just puts something right in front of me at the oddest hour and wonder how divine it is to have such serendipity to enlighten me and expose the manipulation and flaws in other people's deceit. Though, I never do anything with it but sit on it, tell my wife, try to make sense of it. Like, I don't have power to do anything, as I've said.

Things happen all the time that are out of our control, but who wants to be the one labeled an idiot, step up and admit that you did that. Lots of people want to point out that they’re better, hindsight, would’ve done things differently. But they don’t allow you to access that hypothetical ability to perceive the future and react accordingly, correctly, not trusting you’ll get it right the next time, like a baby. you can only defer and deflect so much, before you realize your only recourse is to own it before anyone else can say some thing. And you have to play to the few who are least likely to judge and hope that it plays out fair. But, not knowing what you’re up against, the mindsets of those around you, especially if they keep changing, rearranging, and never extending a hand to you, you decide defer, retract, deny.

That’s where I take my lumps. That’s why I feel alone. No one else wants to be human with me. All are superior. I will never put myself in the position of acting like I’m better than someone else. It’s not only what I’ve been taught, but what someone with empathy feels. And until someone realizes that I am a real person, stops dehumanizing, stops hating before asking questions, I’ll just wear ‘my disguise’.

This is about my real life, you know?

"Life’s Little Misdirections 🥀🦋"