Just Jul Lee

God Will Provide

God Will Provide
Date: DECEMBER 9, 2002

I always doubt before I believe. I have often told people that I would have been Doubting Thomas if I had lived in Jesus' time.

I have said previously that it is very hard for me to believe people, to trust, etc. I realized that I am like the children of Israel, doubting God's power despite the previous miracles.

Today I sunk lower than I have in a long time. I have recently forgiven my mom and brother for the imagined and real slights against me that caused me great bitterness and unhappiness. Then the debts piled up around me, threatening to fall and crush me under the weight of bad choices and responsibility.

My car needed over $300.00 worth of parts to fix it. I received multiple calls from my mom today, each one worse than the last. As the amount doubled and tripled, I told my mom, "I guess we're footing it."

She said that we needed to get the car fixed and I told her that I couldn't afford to fix it. She then told me that we would divide it up between the three of us.

My balance of money owed has been growing since I opened a new account on my own. Everything I buy suddenly has a price tag I never noticed and I owe my mom $400+ on things needed.

In my selfish mind I've wondered what good it did for me to forgive my mom. I mean, I gave her my checks for two years now, maybe more, and now I suddenly owe her. The bitterness found a new home and rooted itself in my soul once again.

I asked God if I was doing the wrong thing trying to be self-reliant once more. For trying to right my wrongs and become debt free. I told God that I knew He cared but that He couldn't help me. He couldn't tell me what to do in an audible voice and my frustrations were bleeding through me in terrible bursts. I sat at my desk near tears, fighting against the familiar pull of depression and doubt.

My mom called while I was talking to my supervisor. Dialing her number with heavy fingers, I expected the worst.

I got the miracle.

She told me that my brother said the repairs were my Christmas gift. There was no need to pay him back. The minute I hung up the phone I heard God, audible of course.

"I told you not to worry. And you said I couldn't help you."

"I know God, I know." I said softly with a small smile.

So, here it is. All day I fought against writing a bitter journal entry and now, as my work day draws to a close, I write one of overcoming and trust.

Someday soon, I hope to be able to trust God completely. He is so awesome to me even though I doubt him, even though I fail. In my whole life, I can never hope to find such acceptance and forgivness, strength and protection as I have in my Lord and Savior.

I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!