Life as we know it sucks

Donny Weber?

Current mood: ponderous

Current song: There is no 'I' in team - Taking Back Sunday

(originally written 1-5)

No school tomorrow. Well hopefully. It's been snowing all day and will hopefully continue throughout the night. Perhaps, I will get to talk to my Jacob. I think I shall call him mine since that's what I want of him. Is that too much to ask? To ask if he'd be mine? Yes, I suppose it is. He's having a tough time and I know that me just being there for him whenever he needs me is a refreshing change. I'm glad to have him on my side. And I feel that if anything "happened" he would no longer stay on my side. So, I guess for now I will accept that we are friends, though I know these signs are shoving me towards "go with me." But, you know, if we wait it out for a while, I'm sure we could make it work. Like, if I seriously went to visit him in the summer - I would fall even more in love with him and then we'd have to do something. I couldn't live without him. lol. That sounds so pathetic. I am a sappy romantic. It's sickening. "I can't live without you, my love!" How lame can you get? Gees.

I know that if he hadn't befriended me then I would still be cutting myself; I'd still be coming close to suicide over Matt. I'm so glad he's in my life. He's my best guy friend. Perhaps even my best friend seeing as we can relate and he doesn't care how much I talk about Matt or something. I am in love with my best friend and I have to deal with it, I guess. It's hard, though because I want so much more. Heh. I'll get over it. I will love him no matter what, so there's no use of trying to get over him. lol. That sounds pathetic too. Ah, fuck it. Don't think so much. Don't mull over something that will do what it wants. I have no control over what happens to US. Ah, well.

I love him. I know that much. Everything about him is just...good. Sure - he has flaws (everyone does), but I can get over it. Everything else though - wheew. Hold me back because I'll lick you! lol. Now THAT'S pathetic. I can't control anything I say or do. I guess everything that comes out of my mouth is "moron" once my heart is involved. Why didn't this feeling ever happen with Matt. I'm beginning to think I never loved him...I want to tell him. To shove that in his face. Fuck you loser! I never loved you! Take that! If you didn't love me - WHY should I love you? <sigh> I guess I sorta loved im. Heck - who knows?! Ack! I'm so frustrated. I am emotionally unhinged. Can you tell?

For the first hour on the internet last night, I was IMing Jacob, but he didn't respond so I became paranoid and even pissed because he didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me. But, this is Jacob we're talking about. The guy that gets up at 8 in the morning just to talk to me. He loves me. I can't just rule that out just because he's not talking to me. Well, there's an easy explanation to everything. His grandmother almost had a heart attack, so he drove her to the hospital or something like that. You know my memory, it's completely shot. He was like, "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got on." We talked for about a half hour. I had no reason to be pissed. lol. I feel so stupid. I knew it was paranoia. Not him being a dick just because he has one.

I'm sorry to be so gloaty (if that's even a word), but I LOVE being the one that he wants to talk to. The only one that deserves to be "in his world." It just makes me SO happy. Anything he says makes me so happy. He could say "fuck you" and I would take that as an invite and jump into bed. Haha. Maybe not quite that far. But you know...Am I making sense or do I sound like an imbecile? I can't help it. I'm so in love with Jacob. I hate to be all sappy and romantic, but without him - I wouldn't be here. I CAN'T live without him and that's the truth. He is amazing. He makes me forget everything bad even if he's acting so stupid. I love him for everything. Even if he does smoke pot and isn't a virgin; I overlook that somehow. He doesn't seem to smoke often though. And he hasn't had sex in what - a few months? lol. I can feel him changing. It's so exciting. I love him! This is my happy moment.

I was wholly convinced that Matt was my Donny Weber, but he's not and I doubt Jacob is. But, you know, he could be one day. :) <sigh> Donny...Speaking of Matt...What I said before about not loving him...Well, I guess I said that because once the person you love acts like a bastard, then you start to feel remorse for ever feeling that way for such a dick. It's finally sinking into my pitiful brain that he is a bastard and there is no second chance for him. It's not ME that gets the second chance - it would be Matt because he's the one that lost the good thing, not I. And how I've been so stupid that I couldn't see this before. My love for Matt is dwindling away every moment. Jacob, on the other hand, will take more than 6 months to finally mend my heart if it were to be broken. It would take possibly years for the process even to begin! I'm telling you, I've NEVER felt this way about anyone. Bear with me as I become mushy. lol. I am too tired to start again. <falls over and starts snoring>