Life as we know it sucks

Moment of Realization

Current Mood: elated

Current Music: You don't know how it feels - Tom Petty

(1-29)

3 words to define tonight...I love Jacob. I mean, he didn't even do anything extraordinary. It's just nice talking to him. So nice. When I asked him what we should talk about, a conversation spurred.

Jakey: It's what you want.
Me: What I want?
Jakey: Yes. What do you want?
Me: I want you.

And naturally, he asks what for. Isn't it obvious? I want him. Isn't it a little weird to say I love you to only one person everyday and you're just friends? (when you mean it more than friends) I mean, I just want him. And I know we've talked about it before...but...I still want him. I want it. I don't think that he understands what he means to me. Some day, somehow I will show him.

I want to see him face to face. I want to feel his kiss. I want to hear him say my name. I want to hear him say my name. I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I need to hear it. I need to make sure he's not imagining Kelly everytime he says it. I should know that, though. I shouldn't be questioning it. I know I mean a lot to him, but do I mean more than a friend? Do I? <sigh> Perhaps that is what I'm paranoid about.

Would he reject me if I wanted more and I was standing right in front of him? And (if I'm much mistaken) he would pick me over Kelly. He even told me once how he wished he had someone more like me instead of her. I have felt a connection with him since day one. And our relationship has grown more intense...We all feel it. Maybe, though, he feels that he'd have to reject me because it wouldn't be legal to date. lol

Maybe when I'm 18 and he's 21 it will be ok. Would he possibly date me then? Would we finally have a chance to be something? To really be each other's? I call him my Jakey and I'm his Hilary...but I have this need for it to be official. <sigh> Oh well if it never happens. I can't force it upon him because then, neither of us will be happy. I still want him though.

I shouldn't doubt his feelings. When he says I love you, it's really true. He means it... He really does. He told me that he knows emotions are not to be fucked with. And he knows how serious I am. How deeply I feel. He's not lying. He's not wishing it were her.

Moment of realization? Yes, perhaps. I'm so stupid sometimes. At least I didn't ask him about this. That would have gone over really good. But - if in 2 years from now - I still want him, I hope to God he would take me.