Life as we know it sucks

Hey, a girl can dream

Current Mood: gleeful

Current Music: Your Life Is Now - John Mellancamp

I talked to Jacob and Danny a lot yesterday. And the previous day too. Danny called me on the phone :). We talked for 3 hours!! Danny's so sweet. He finally told me who he likes. Surprise, surprise - it's me. lol I knew. I just wanted him to tell me. It's cute. Danny's adorable. And sometimes I think I like him too, but I'm not sure. I'm so into Jacob and all I want is him. Jacob Thomas Sheets. My love. I am so in love and liking someone else just seems wrong. But, I can't help it. It's not like he and I are together anyway, right? I need to have some fun...Ha.

I mean, I know I said I wanted a boyfriend, but what I really meant was: I WANT JACOB! I think about him far too much. But I can't help it. To think about him next to me in bed with his arms wrapped around me while he smothers me in kisses feels good to imagine. And then he tickles me flirtatiously, like he's been threatening for months. We both laugh and then everything grows silent a second later...We stare into each other's eyes, slowly closing the gap between us as we lean in to kiss. His lips softly brush mine. Mmm...I love thinking about him.

Ahem, anyway...Danny told me that his greatest fear is rejection. Poor guy. And he says he's new to all this liking a girl stuff. I do like him, but this boyfriend stuff may be too much for right now. I'm still mulling over suicide. Over guys! Which one of my frequent quotes (No guy deserves the satisfaction of my death) always tells me not to let them get to me. I mean, it's not just guys really, it's a lot of things. Everything is fucking up lately and this weekend has been nice. Nothing really bad happening. My brother was in a good mood for once and Jacob was being great and I didn't think about my dad all that much and I didn't mull over my religion which is so confusing right now...I'm babbling. All I'm saying is that I'm pretty unstable and I know that now is not a good time for relationships to spur because things would definitely go wrong and I'd take my life. Heartbreak is a lot for me to handle...I'm know I'm young, I'm supposed to have 'fun,' but I just can't. I'm not normal. Sometimes I feel like I am manic depressive and obsessive-compulsive. I hold onto things that aren't there...<sigh> Forget it. You don't care anyway.