Life as we know it sucks

I won't let it happen

Current Mood: paranoid

Current Music: Come Original - 311

I'm so confused. I feel so abandoned sometimes. <sigh> I feel like I'm on my own. I've prayed to God so many times today. I fear the safety of Shane. I would hang myself if he killed himself in a car wreck. I wouldn't be able to take it. I fear that one day soon he will have that experience.

I care for him . . . so much. Sometimes I think of what it could be, but then it's just like: no, no it's too early. Besides, I won't let that happen. I'm not getting attached to him like all the others. I won't let it happen again . . .

<sigh> Can I even control it? Everyday my feelings for him grow stronger . . . I Can't stop it, can I? Why can't it ever be what I want?! Why does something so uncontrollable be so unwanting?

I don't want to love him! It's too early! It's too fucking early! I will not shove my heart into that ring to be beaten and stomped again. NO! THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!

I do not want him to lose interest and I especially do not want him to be killed. Everything about our relationship is laid-back, but serious at the same time. He's always worrying as much as I am about the whole losing interest thing. That's not what worries me as much. It's the fact that he could have been killed yesterday afternoon. The normal 20 minutes to my house was cut down to 8 when he rushed home to unload his body kit for his car . . . And he said he'd call at 7 . . . He didn't . . . It fucking scared the shit out of me.

His call at 8 relieved me; but I will always worry. I will always want him to call me when he gets home after driving from my house to his. If he doesn't then I know something's wrong . . . I will die.

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but i threw you the obvious,
just to see if there's more behind you.
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy
but i see,
see through it all.
see through, see you