Just Jul Lee

I Tell Myself I Feel No Pain, But I'm Feeling The Pain

I Tell Myself I Feel No Pain, But I'm Feeling The Pain: The Scar
DATE: October 13, 2005

Well, I was sitting at work today and thoughts continued to plague me. Am I worthy?

Now, of course, I realize that God finds me worthy of His love, grace and sacrifice, which makes all the difference. But the whispers in my mind make me suffer as I struggle to gain control over my self-doubt.

Doubt, as I've mentioned before, has a firm grasp upon my sanity. And there seems to be no way to overcome it. Now, I realize that my worth and beauty must be seen through the eyes of God but there is the mirror. Every morning I face the mirror (and the scale) to discover that I am not pretty.

I know that God can overcome anything but I sit at my desk and feel the deep gouging of my solitary scar. I am alone again.

I can't accept the fact that I'll find love if my friends can't stand to be with me. I can't accept that fact that I'll be wanted when my phone doesn't ring. And I can't find a way to see who He sees.

I can see my flaws so clearly, I can see my 'ugliness', I can see the way I talk and dress, the way I fail to act. I can see the rage within me, I can see the dark thoughts and I can't help but think of how I fail so much.

But all of this aside, I'm moving forward with God and I am feeling His forgiveness and His love over all. I move forward, face each day, knowing that He cares and it's Him alone that keeps me alive.

I haven't cried in a long time but the tears are behind my eyes waiting for a moment they can show themselves. I haven't sat and dwelled on all that's lost, I haven't lingered in the past as much, but the shadows of the clouds above me are easily seen.

The truth has been revealed about me, I am not needed. Though I am loved by many, the few that hate me scald my skin, and that isn't how it should be.

Why would I be left here all alone again? Why would I find love so hard to believe again. Isn't there a rainbow and a pot of gold for me? Can't I find the happiness that was promised to me? Don't I deserve to see love in his eyes? Don't I deserve to feel the worth of my soul? I understand what is at stake, and so I continue on. For I love my God and all He's said is so.

The scar is deep within me, it is hidden from view and the pain is almost bearable when I pretend I'm good, but the joy is slipping from my fingers, because of all the lies. I love You, Lord. I need You, Lord. Please fill me up inside.

I wasn't intending for this to be so sad. I wasn't intending to indulge the darkness within. I pray for God to help and He answers with His love. I will succeed, I will move on and grow under His wings.

Tomorrow is another day and I will face it with a smile and after all this is forgotten, I'll read it in awhile. Tomorrow comes with promises that I know He will fulfill if I could only have faith in Him and His will.

I am ready to do all He wants, I am ready to obey. I am ready to see promises come to pass today. I am ready for His voice to speak to me like He use to do. I am ready to be moved from where I've lingered far too long.

I am ready for the scar to be healed.

I am ready for the love to be realized and felt.

I am ready to be humble, I am ready to serve.

I am ready to believe His word...