Who Am I?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Jan 21, 2007

Ok, the entry title tells it all...except there is no party except a pity party..and I don't like those....  I didn't really expect one but to be remembered is another thing.  Today is my birthday.  My family knows this.  And I know they know this because I announced yesterday at Walmart when I picked up a CD I wanted, that they could consider this my birthday present.  Now, I know they love me.  They love me with all their hearts.  I get that.  My 4 year old son made me a card all by himself.  This of course after I slammed into the bedroom this morning (yes I acted like a hormonal teenager, sue me...lol) and thanked everyone for making my birthday so wonderful (please note the sarcasm involved) because they were all fighting, yelling and screaming at each other (not the way I like to start any day).  My husband sent me an ecard..again, after I blew up.  He says I was mad enough he didn't think I wanted him to come after me...what woman doesn't?  And that it wouldn't have been the right time then...it would have been a start.  My daughter, announced to the whole church that today was my birthday but hasn't said it to ME.  Maybe I'm being a baby about this.  I know they love me, I feel guilty for wanting the words recognizing that this is the day of my birth.  I don't really care about gifts but a cake would have been nice.  I realize the different worlds we grew up in and understand that to my beloved's family a birthday isnt' much more than any other day.  But in my family it was.  HE knows this after 13 years of marriage.  And I treat THEIR birthdays with great importance.  He feels bad, but hasn't said Happy Birthday still.  I got upset again after church (he asked what was wrong and I was unable to keep my tears to myself.  It makes far more noticeable the fact that my parents (and remember last Sunday was my dad's anniversary of death)are gone.  My parents always made sure, if nothing else that there was cake, ice cream and candles to blow out.  Now, I don't really believe in wishes...I believe God grants the wishes of our hearts as He sees fit....but I know blowing out a candle after wishing and then keeping the wish to myself isn't going to make it happen...but it's a ritual..come one people!  I don't want to be upset.  It's a waste of time..but can't help it either.  It just feels like any other day.  Worse, because I know it's supposed to be special.  BIG SIGH.

Ok, on to another topic.  Today I haven't written anything but some blog comments and some emails.  Between my bummer mood, my nap (ok, I did get something good out of this birthday..lol)  and the fact that I'm stuck with these characters in my head...I'm not quite sure how to proceed.  So, I'm guessing I"ll just be trying a couple of different story starters and get everyone to take a look and figure out what's best...

Ok, back to the previous topic, because I just can't seem to let it go.  Did y'all have birthday rituals growing up or with your spouse and children?  Growing up it was a good moring before the day began and the birthday person got to pick the birthday dinner ...whatever they wanted, and the flavor of cake and ice cream.  After we ate, we ate cake, then opened any presents and cards.  I grew up far from money but my mother was a miracle worker and managed to make us feel special regardless of what there was as gifts.  Sometimes there would be a party over the weekend for family or friends...but it was a special day.  Please, nobody tell me how materialistic and shallow I'm being.  I've been kicking myself already.  I WANT to just let it go and not be bothered and it's just not going anywhere.  I KNOW how blessed I am to have all that I do. A wonderful husband and kids.  A home.  Food, friends (even if they forgot too...sheesh how whiny can I be?)

OK, this isn't working, it's not helping.  Of course  listing my emotions does help because it gets them out instead of bottling them up.  But I dont' want to cry. That just makes my husband feel worse.  He feels bad enough. And then I feel even worse because I've made him feel bad...and then he won't wish me a happy birthday again because  I'm upset because he didn't..ugg...what a fricking cycle...

I promise more tomorrow in a much much better mood....well I promise to try to be more upbeat anyway.

And my grateful point today.  I am grateful to God that He created me and has chosen to bless me with all that He has.  I just pray he forgives me my pettiness today.

blessings
V