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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/entry_id/496068-One-day-you-will-no-longer-harp-over-your-mothers-death
Rated: 18+ · Book · Family · #1201314
Who am I, Where am I Going, and Where have I been? The story of my life!
#496068 added March 18, 2007 at 8:32pm
Restrictions: None
One day you will no longer harp over your mother's death
March 18, 2007

Well meaning words like those above (said by a very dear friend who meant only the best) are the reason I have in the past tended to suck up my pain and not bother others with it.  The friend who made that statement advised she was not trying to make lite of my pain..and she herself lost her dad 21 years ago...it's only been three years since she let go of the anger and has been able to rejoice in the memories. 

Ok, I love this person very much.  I do..she's one I turn to when I need an ear...an ear that will be perfectly honest if I want it or need it.  But I truly struggled for  just a few minutes over whether to hang up on her or not....she's almost a mother substitute...almost old enough to be my mother...also  a very dear friend who has been there for me and has let me be there for her.  So I struggled through and tried very hard to remember the love she has for me.  I wasn't nasty and I didn't hang up the phone.  I was even glad when one of her daughters called and interrupted and so saving us the rest of that conversation.  I know she meant one day I would no longer dwell over the date each year..I know she meant that I would be able to look on the good times and smile

But to be honest...I already do smile at the good times...even the not so good times.  The weeks in the hospital (which I may write down here during the course of this week) the talks we had, the walks we had, the times we shared.  I can smile and be thankful.  I can remember my mom and dad and the times we shared and laugh over the jokes and smile at the pictures.

I'm not angry.  I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm lost.  I feel alone.  And occasionally, yes I'm angry and wonder why God had to take them both so close together...but even with that..I wouldn't ask them back for anything...because I KNOW{/b{] they are in a better place.  I know they are no longer hurting, I know they are no longer worrying...I know that they are in heaven with Christ and that my momma..who spent from the age of 7 unable to walk is dancing in the streets of heaven.  I DO rejoice.  But I also hurt for what I don't have.  I hurt for what I can't see them see...like J...like the young woman C is growing into.  Like where my faith has gone.  My grief does not make me less...it makes me more...

But there are days like today.  That I just wake up so cognisant of what I don't have.  What I have lost and I just don't have the energy to suck it up and smile at the world.  The world be damned I'm tired of being alone.  There's not a soul around me that seems to get it.  There's not a soul around me that seems to have been where I am at.  I've been through a grief workshop...I've been through counseling with my pastor-it's why I've survived...so thanks PK..and yet I can hear him..the last time I spiraled...that I know what I need to do.  I need to open up ..I need to share..and when I do share....then I get words like those above and it makes we want to run back and hide.  I don't need to be looked down on for what and how I feel..and while I know that's not how she meant it..it's sure as hell how it feels. Will I say something to her, absolutely not.  It's how she is.  She's the same way with her girls..she's the same way with the world.  She pulls no punches and I love her for it.  Most of the time it's what I need.  Today.  Today I needed an ear, an arm, a shoulder of someone who cares and knows. 

Does my beloved  know..yes, he knows I'm hurting today.  He tries..but doesn't seem to know how to help.  Do my kids know..NO.  J is too young and wouldn't understand.  And C...was hit hard when my parents died and being the drama queen she is..I'm not adding to her reasons to be upset with the world.  Selfish, maybe...but I don't want her getting moody and deciding it's because she misses grandma and grandpa...especially when it's because I"m upset.....not becasue she's upset...I don't want to feed it..though I do try to keep my parents alive for my kids...but I try not to let them see my dwell...Hell, I try really hard not to dwell

I wish I had the ability to share my mom's picture with y'all...but  I will try, maybe in tomorrow's entry, to share her with you..because she was a force to be reckoned with and a beauty to behold.  The pain I feel reflects the amount of love in our relationship....I've tried to be strong and survive...because I didn't want to dishonor her...but I also recall that she was rather upset when her mother died as well...wish she were here now to talk to about it....

Well, timer is beeping on the oven..it's late but supper is ready.

I'm grateful for my life

blessings and peace to you and yours
Vicky

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/entry_id/496068-One-day-you-will-no-longer-harp-over-your-mothers-death