Who Am I?

Introducing my mom...:)

March 19, 2007

Not that most of you probably care...lol..but I'm going to share anyway...

My mom was born in Oct of 1943-I believe....lol...could've been 45...I know my parents were 2 years apart and I think it was 1941 and 1943..but I could be wrong...

She was born in New York..my grandmother was a strong woman-but very much a lady....to this day that is the biggest thing I recall when asked about my grandma.

My grandfather, was a blind musician-he played 7 instruments-and tuned piano's..he had some kind of chemicals spilled into his eyes as a very young child.  I never met the man..he died a couple of months after I was born.  I'm told I wouldn't have wanted to know him..my grandmother divorced him because he was abusive...

My mother was born the oldest of 2 girls-quite the typical young girl of that time.  I have pictures of a day when she could stand.  At 7 she had influenza meningtitis.  She ran such high fevers, it burnt the brain cells so that she couldn't walk..she was paralyzed from basically the neck down..though she had partial use of her arms-most of her fingers were bent up tight..though not her thumbs or the first finger of both hands.  She was diagnosed as a C 5-7 quadrapelegic. 

At that point she was sent home to die.  The dr's didn't think she would live...but she proved them wrong-it wouldn't be the last time.  She sat in a wheelchair, went to a school for children with disabilities-eventually where she met my dad.  She did things like sing in the choir, was in a group called Happy Hobo's and Sad Sacks...she had a pin she wore..I loved the sound of her school because not only did the learn academics but she also got physical therapy and such...she graduated from there...my grandparents were VERY protective of her, didn't allow her to do much but she had an iron will and chose to do anyway.  At 19 she had staph infection in her right hip.  They amputated her leg above the hip..and sent her home to die.  She proved them wrong again, getting married in 1965 and though my grandfather tried to have her proved incompetent it didn't work.  My sister was born in 1966.  Very much against Dr's orders.  By this point mom's spinal curvature was so bad that she laid on a stryker frame...made out of wrought iron-bicycle wheels in the front for her to push herself..little wheelchair tires in the back....she was cathetorized..but other than that thought of herself as no different...she raised my sister with minimal help from my grandma who didn't live far away..and my dad worked full time.  She rarely left the house but when she did it was in a wheel chair with a heavy back brace complete with prosthetic hip.  In 1973, again very much against Dr's orders, I was born.  somewhere in between my sister and I was a miscarriage. Before I was born, my parents bought a 3 bedroom house with a bathroom on the N.E. side of Indianapolis and this home is where I grew up and where my mom lived until the day she died.  As a child, I remember being taught that you should look at people from the inside out..it's what's important...I also remember people staring...and wondering why...nothing seemed strange to me. lol...Through out my childhood mom was sick...by age 9 or so, I could help mom "cough"...she only had partial use of one lung..in order to cough when she got sick, someone had to push, in time to her breaths, to help her cough....my sister used to stand on the lowest bar of mom's cart...I don't know if I ever did that or not...  In 1982, when I celebrated my first communion...was the last time mom was able to sit up in the wheel chair...In 1984, I believe...some Purdue University Engineering student built her an electric cart that started a huge burst of independance for my mom.  Once she got the cart, which allowed her to go forward and backwards, raise and lower, and go at a faster speed, she also went back to school through vocational rehabilitation...before this she had suplimented my fathers low paying bindery job with sewing for other people.  I never knew we were poor until Jr High....lol......She got a degree in computer programming, something she could do laying on her cart...this cart weighed about 500 lbs, and was 5 feet long.  She learned to drive..laying on her stomach, she went to a school in Michigan that taught her to drive with hand controls.  She did it to prove she could..because my grandmother told her she couldn't.....got a job working in Tax Payer services with the IRS, drove herself to work.  She took me and a friend shopping, me to the children's museum, herself to church.  In 1986, she got congestive heart failure..and almost died.  It was my first taste of the reality of how fragile life is. It was also my first rememberance of truly holding on to God.  I wasn't old enough to go into her hospital room in ICU..I spent many hours in a waiting room alone.  Again her will to live and God's plans for her  overcame the reality the dr's thought would be. 

My dad lost his job when I was in 7th grade, mom was then the only one working...it had to be a proud moment to be responsible for your family and fully capable of taking care of them...independant as ever..they hired her on from a seasonal employee to full time.  Dad went on disability and that's the point I knew things were tight. 

We almost lost mom again when I was a freshman....again she bounced back.  that was the story of her life...her desire to live, her love of her family..to see us through was stronger..her faith stronger yet than anything that could knock her down. 

In 1991, my senior year of high school, my grandmother got sick..I dont' remember much...just back and forth back and forth to the hospital.  I was the youngest of the grandkids..the only one not truly considered an adult and was left much to myself during this time.  At the end of May, while my parents were at the hospital and I at home with friends playing cards, I got the phone call that grandma had died.  (this wasn't my first loss-my dad's dad died when I was in jr high but this isn't his story..:)  I wish now I'd spent more time talking to mom...I know I hugged her alot...that's my M.O.  Hehe...I know she struggled but I dont' know much more....I know there was a battle over grandma's estate...she died without a will...she had remarried years before to a man everyone called sweeter...I knew him simply as grandpa..a wonderful man with a green thumb..I loved to be at my grandparents house...grandma cained chairs...grandpa helped and puttered in his gardens...

anyway...there was a bit of a mess with all of that..but again, being in highschool..well just out...her funeral was the day of my graduation...I wasn't let into much of the loop

due to a major issue between my parents, they divorced that summer...they remained friends til death.

In 1993, I married my beloved.  My mom sewed my wedding gown, most of it on her own.  When C was born in 1996, she was the first grandchild for my parents...and they loved her dearly...all I had to do was tell my dad, especially that she wanted something..and if Christmas, her birthday or other reasonable excuse were nearby, she'd have it.

My mom sewed many clothes for her ...dresses and booties, hats, doll clothes later, jumpers and dresses as a preschooler, jammies....she also enjoyed buying for her..and each year, C had a new Christmas dress, usually 2..and 2 Easter dresses.

Mom retired from the IRS when her heatlh got too bad...and quit driving before I was married..she had had a minor accident and that was enough...she didn't feel safe...the dr no longer wanted her driving anyway because of her health..but she only gave it up because it was what she wanted to do..she'd proven it to everyone that she could. 

Over the course of the next several years, she was in and out of hte hospital.  For a while after my parents divorce, my sister moved in, took care of what needed taking care of and lived there rent free while going to school. When she moved out, mom had a nurse out twice a week and a home health aide out twice a day.  She did the rest..cooking, some cleaning, sewing.  She had more than one volunteer job she did ..St. Vincent de Paul, reading for the blind on tape, she crocheted hats and scarves for the homeless.  She sewed for her granddaughter, visited with her friends.  She was part of a group at her church caleld Caregivers...those who were either stay at home parents or retired individuals who were able bodied and could drive....or just visit...would sign up to help those who needed a ride, respite, groceries, etc.  She was the coordinator...and a recipient of their services.  They took care of her, she took care of them too..and as the coordinator...she knew where those needing help were coming from...it was honor to know those she served with.  They were her friends.

Before she died, and I'd have to watch the tape to tell you when, she was one of Indiana's own..nominated and interviewed by channel 8's Ray Rice....she never thought of herself as disabled...she never got down because of what she didn't have...because she saw herself as having so much. 

Mom "almost died" several times between 1996 and 2002.  My sister and I had discussions about what to do when mom could no longer live on her own...even with home health care....putting her in a nursing home, when she was still so "normal"  would have been a death sentence.  I lived too far away, my sister works full time.....and then she'd turn a corner, be ok and we'd move on until the next time.  When dad died in Jan..mom didn't go to the funeral...they'd been divorced for 11 years..they were good friends..she helped him out, he helped her some too...but his family was not made up of her favorite people...the service was outside in Jan where she had no business being-though she would have gone if I asked her.  My sister didn't go either...they weren't on speaking terms and she didn't like his family much either..except for grandma..and she'd died a few years earlier.  When mom went into the hospital a few weeks later..I knew...I knew because once upon a time...when my parents were still married but before I was...my father cried in my arms at the thought of losing her...and I prayed then, a very selfish prayer, that God would take dad, before He took mom....I carry this guilt..that I know I need to let go of...I'm not responsible for his death..but I feel like it....I knew that day walking into the hospital that she woudln't survive...and then I thought maybe I was wrong..but even when I thought I was wrong..we were dealing with her not being able to regulate fluids in her body...first dehydrated, then over flowing..she was diagnosed with a kidney infection..understand that at this point, her diagnoses were COPD, CRPD, bilateral nephrostomy tubes, diabetes, and that's just a few...I cant' remember them all..I will say we all had a good laugh, including her because she was on Ritalin...to keep her awake...kidney infections were bad bad bad things for her...she went home about 10 days later, went back in about 3 days later with pneumonia she'd picked up while in there.  She ended up in ICU because of some dumb nurse( I can call him that..my sister is a nurse and she said so) We almost lost her....majorly...I took more time off work than I spent at work to be there and half the time if I went to work they ended up calling meto the hospital...the day she came out of ICU...we thought just maybe we were home free for awhile.  She'd done it again.  She's overcome what the dr's had thought AGAIN.  She went home.  The next day she was in the ER in pain. They told her nothing was wrong and sent her home...I didn't find out about it until the next day when my sister called me at work.  She told me to come...to come now.  That this was it.  That mom was dying and she wanted to die at home.  That's the day my world changed for ever.

I know that I"ve forgotten much...much of my life, much of those weeks.  But my mom taught me never to give up.  She taught me to treat people with respect.  She taught me I was loved and special.  She taught me to find another way around when one way won't work.  I didn't always tell mom everything...lol..there was plenty she didn't know..and there's plenty I would've done differently.  But.  she did her best...she loved us, she took care of us, she fought for us..and she fought to stay alive until we were going to be ok.  I believe this. 

I know this is long, so I'm going to stop...for now...tomorrow I may write more...funnies, things she liked...things we did.

Hold on to your loved ones.  Especially your parents if you still have them...even when they get on your nerves..even when times are tough..or you want to scream at them.....or they scream at you.  Mom died March 21, 2002.  J was born Dec 13, 2002...I have a friend who says that mom got to heaven and told God it was time for me toh have another child.

I'm thankful to God for knowing my mom...and I thank any of you who have made it this far...

tune in tomorrow to hear about driving on the children's museum front lawn among other things...:)

hugs from a teary eyed child...
Vicky