Who Am I?

Report card day, a friends good news, and me

March 23, 2007

Right now I'm listening to music on the computer.  I don't  often do that.  Normally I would either put my headphones on or put www.klove.com on.  This particular CD helps me through when I'm in a mood.  That's why I usually put my headphones on and why I usually don't want anyone around...because usually I'm going to cry.  It's been a tough week but it's had some positives.

The song I'm listening is called Solution-by the Paul Coleman Trio-it's on a cd that our Disciple one instructor made for our class.  This is the first song on the cd-the one that usually makes me cry is Calmer of the Storm by downhere- here are the lyrics:
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

The entire song is so me...but the last 2 verses are just...especially the second to last-so often I feel like the ship IS going down...and I don't know whether to jump and try to swim  or stay on the boat....and all I can do is hold onto Him...


There are other songs on this cd that mean alot to me...and touch my heart.  This cd-the songs-were handpicked by a very intuitive man...and I miss him greatly..he has since left our church....He taught me so very much...showed me how to find God and that perfection wasn't required.  He was just a simple ordinary man..who lived, and lives for Christ. 

The song now is What if I Stumble by DC Talk-I feel that one too..feel like all I do is stumble around in this world of Christianity..trying to be like Christ..never quite succeding...like I said, it's been a tough week.

Today was report card day...C brought home a report card boasting all A's and one B+-she brought home a couple of certificate's (perfect attendance, extra effort, honor roll, 2nd highest AR score.  She also brought home a few treats-kids free buffet coupons for 2 different restaurants, free food at a couple of local restaurants.  Not bad for a kid they were trying to tell me last year was Learning Disabled-we'll discuss that one another time, I'm sure I'll have a need to vent about the heck this school system and I have gone through together.  C is in the 4th grade, next year she moves next door to the middle school.  They will have a Sundae Party for Honor Roll, they've already had a pizza party for the AR winners-AR is a reading thing-

A friend of mine had a mammogram a week ago Wednesday and they found something suspicious.  She is a 36 year old mother of 4- 16 year old, a 6 year old, and 2 year old twins.  They go to our church.  This morning she had to go in for a second mammogram and further testing...turned out to only be a lymph node-Praising God for answers to prayer and for positive results.  What  scary place to be.

Calmer of the Storm is on now and I'm trying not to cry...4 kids here...it's not quite as potent over the computer...something about having it in stereo...makes me feel like I'm sitting on a mountaintop alone.....

My beloved and got into a disagreement on Wed night.  Right after we'd gone out with some friends.  We'd had such a good time on such a difficult day.  The arguement was an age old one for us and resulted only in me feeling like I'm not good enough and never going to be good enough-it breaks his heart that he has made me feel this way..he is sorry and we have worked it out, talked it out and made up.  Unfortunately I still feel this way.  He is a wonderful man, my soul mate and my kindred spirit.  I thank God for putting us together.  We don't often fight..and when we do it doesn't last long.  The effects of this one will..because emotionally it was not a good time to begin with. 

song now-God will make a way-by Don Moen-this song hold significantly in memory as well...before I'd ever heard it-at least to my knowledge- God used it to speak to me.  We were in a VERY bad spot financially..both in tears, about 3 years ago-we were at our wit's end not knowing how to survive or what to do-and while on my knees, praying to God for an answer-God sent this song into my head..and peace into my soul-I went into class and told our instructor...and he played the song in it's entirety for me...what a blessings

The next song is I Can Only Imagine by Mercyme...I have often imagined what it would be like to be in the presence of God-it's quite an exciting thing-I'm assuming I'd be awestruck..but I think I will sing and dance...and probably hit my knees..and then chatter his ear off.  just a thought. 

The basketball game last night went well, we played hard, we won...not sure we played completely by the rules...but then who am I-yeah,that's another song on this cd...lol-actually the next one..and it's by Casting Crowns-  Who am I..and why does God care at all...when I went on my Walk to Emmaus-there was a point at which I was sitting alone, a big cross on the floor that was surrounded by candles-I felt like I was sitting in the presence of God..and we were just connecting...it was an awesome and powerful experience and I wish I'd stayed sitting there longer, wish I could go back and sit there again...I feel that need to rejeuvenate my relationship with Him and within myself. 

I have to be honest-while Wednesday went better than I had thought it would-I"m not really doing very well in all of this.  Wed's fight, 2 nights of not enough sleep, on top of everything else this week have me rather in a state of wanting to curl up and cry.  Yes, I will give in eventually I know it's what I need and is good for me to release-but knowing it and doing it are two different things...for starters I have kids here and can't take that kind of time.  There parents will be here soon, my beloved also..and then there is dinner and who knows what else to distract...maybe Sunday-though I'd like to be a little more in control emotionally before then...

Next week is Spring Break-at some points I will have 8 kids-should be interesting-might be fun if I work it right.


Ok, funny for the day...I used to work in a Call Center for a local power company- one of the guys I worked with gave me a cd with different baseball songs on it...our favorite is this:

Go home, you're done. Hit the showers, but thanks for the runs. You bum, you got rocked, so just beat it. You got the hook so go home.
Hey pitcher, so I guess that was your fastball, I don't think you could get it past my grandma.
I'm confused, was that your changeup or your slider.
Doesn't matter because you couldn't get it by her.
Ball 1, outside.
Ball 2, up high.
You threw a strike and he yanked it out of the yard.
Yeah, now you gotta go home, you're done.
Hit the showers, but thanks for the runs.
You bum, you got rocked so just beat it.
You got the hook go home.

--Blessid Union of Souls - Go Home

The beat on this song is awesome and it's just a lot of fun...this year, we are taking it to our first softball practice to share with the team. :) 

Softball makes me happy-watching my kids play any sports makes me happy-C did well last night...she does have an advantage as one of the tallest in 4th grade..she's one of the tallest girls on the 3 other teams we play and the tallest on our team....she can reach over and take the ball sometimes as the other team is shooting..and in all the tipoffs, they've chosen to use her for our team..we've ended up with the ball...and at least 3 of the games she's made the first basket....I love seeing the smile on her face.  J will be playing tball as well..should be interesting.

As I said, though my mood is not soo good and I'm just not feeling very upbeat..there are positives and I have been blessed.  I have to hold on to that..because I know the fog will lift and I will be feeling better-I just have to hold on to the blessings, to the positives and to my Lord and Savior.

sending hugs, I"ll try to stop by soon
Vicky