Teen Time

The Dangers of Taking a Sleigh Ride . . .

The Dangers of Taking a Sleigh Ride, Especially if You Live in Southern California.

There goes another stupid assignment. Boy, that teach has topped them all this time. She says I'm supposed to write about going on a sleigh ride?

I look out the window and shake my head. Man, where do these teachers come up with this stuff? Sure, it's December, and the little kids down the hall are all making white snowman pictures and hanging up cut-out mittens to remind them it's winter, but they're babies. Teachers can make them do that kind of stuff.

But look outside, would ya'. You see any snow out there? I'd be a laughing hyena if you did. This, here's Southern California, buddy. In Carlsbad the only snow we've ever seen was either on the T.V. set or deep in the freezer.

Now do you get it? THERE AIN'T NO SNOW. Not going to be any tomorrow or the rest of always. So, why does the teach want us to write a stupid piece about going on a sleigh ride? What does she think, I'm Santa Claus, or something?

Heck, if I was Santa Claus, I wouldn't have to write essays about sleighs. I'd be out riding in them. My reindeer would be tugging away, galloping across the snowdrifts. I suppose there'd be an elf driving. That way I could just sit back and put my feet up and watch the scenery.

But heck, what scenery would there be to see? Up there at the North Pole, there's nothing but snow. White, white snow. I suppose Santa might see a polar bear or two. Maybe an Eskimo. Big deal. He wouldn't see the surfers out on the point, or the babes in their skimpy... Never mind. I better not think about that. Not with the teach hovering about, walking up and down the aisles, looking to see if we're starting on our essay.

Yeah, sure. Okay. My sleigh is a surfboard, Teach, and it rides the waves. See? The dolphins pull it, and the board's loaded with all kinds of good things for good little children. I suppose I have a couple of sharks in tow for the kids who aren't behaving themselves. The sharks bite them, and force them to stand still while Santa lectures, just like teachers and parents always do. Nag, nag, nag. "Do the dishes, clean your room, pick up your shoes, Did you do your homework, yet? Are you eating again?"

Oh, heck, Teacher's breathing down my neck. I better get started.

I was sitting in a sleigh. A horse was pulling it. He stamped his foot. He shook his head. The bells on his collar went "tinkle." I picked up the whip. I cracked it. The horse moved off. He walked, but I wanted him to run. I cracked the whip again.

The sleigh was smooth. The snow was soft.

Oh, no. I hit a rock. A wheel came off. The horse kept running. I fell out. The snow knocked me conscious. I died. The end.

There. Now that should make her happy. I wonder what it really would be like to take a sleigh ride. I bet it would be cold. I bet your nose would freeze half off, and your hands would be icebergs. I bet your fingers would freeze together and the reins would get stuck. They don't have heaters in a sleigh, but I remember that they have bearskins. I wonder if those smell.

I'd rather take a sleigh ride in Southern California where it's nice and warm. Then you wouldn't need a smelly, old bearskin. Besides, I think they're endangered, probably because of all those people taking sleigh rides.

But anyway, if you took a sleigh ride here, you could ride across the sand. I wonder if you could get a horse to pull you along. You might have to put a sail on the sleigh, so the wind could help. Then you could have a sail sleigh, and you could take that into the water. That would be cool, sailing along over the waves in your sleigh. Of course, you'd have to leave the horse behind, or he'd drown.

You might be able to take that sleigh to an island where no one could force you to write goofy essays. I wonder if that would work. Maybe I'll ask Santa for a sleigh. Like I'd do that. LOL Besides, the sharks would get me. One bite of that sleigh -- Crack. Bye, bye sleigh. Hello, lunch appetizer.

Oh, well, time to turn this stupid thing in. I hope you're happy teacher. Oh, I forgot to name it. All right. I've got it. The Dangers of Taking a Sleigh Ride, Especially if you live in Southern California.