Writing in Snow

Morning Writing on the last Thursday in March 2010

Word count: 598

It’s Thursday, March 25, 2010. It’s the last Thursday in March 2010. It’s the last Thankful Thursday in March. I found ten things to put in my gratitude journal entry today. That’s a good sign because for the past couple of weeks, I’ve had difficulties finding ten gratitude items. Sometimes life is like that, but at those times I need to work harder at finding gratitude items.

I wrote the gratitude early before Mom’s Alzheimer moments began. It’s become a regular event. The med are helping because Mom doesn’t get as angry as she did before she started taking the meds, which is a blessing. However, she still goes through moments when she thinks, everyone hates her, someone has hidden her cloths or thrown them away. These moments pass quickly, as long as I don’t say anything to disagree with her.
It’s difficult sometimes to hold my tongue when I know what she’s saying has no basis in reality. The problem is that these illusions are Mom’s reality, at least at the time she is saying them. If I say anything she gets angry and then thinks I’m angry with her. Therefore, I hold my tongue or bit it depending on what Mom’s saying and the tone of her voice.

The tone Mom’s voice changes when an Alzheimer’s episode begins. This gives me some warning of what’s going to come. Keeping my mouth shut at these times is important because it doesn’t do any good to say anything. Mom doesn’t realize she the doctor diagnosed her with Alzheimer’s disease. Mom wouldn’t believe it if I told her, so I don’t say anything. I just attempt to keep my mouth shut and get on with whatever I’m doing.

There are things that help me keep quite when Mom’s episodes begin. A hot cup of coffee nearby helps and if I have trash or recyclables to carry out to the garage that helps. Sometimes the only thing to do is leave the room, just get up and go out to the garage or the car. I have a prayer book in the car, so I can go to the car and say prayers for tests and difficulties. Sometimes the only thing I can do is repeat the Remover of Difficulties under my breath.

It’s difficult caring for Mom and seeing what’s happening to her. There are moments when she is happy, there are moments when she is crying, there are moment when she is angry, etc. This is how it is with Mom. At this point, I can handle her, as long as I’m care what I say.

Mornings seem more difficult then afternoons; I’m not sure what it is about mornings affects Mom’s attitude and the episodes. Cloudy days also have a detrimental effect the episodes. I don’t understand why this should be, I just know it’s that way.

One thing I’m glade about is that Mom talks to herself. She talks from the moment she gets up in the morning until she goes to sleep at night. Sometimes she talks to me, sometimes she talks to herself, and sometimes I’m not sure whether Mom is talking to me or to herself. I don’t think the talking to herself has anything to do with the Alzheimer’s, but I’m not sure about that. I do know that Mom has talked to herself for several years, but I’m not sure when she began talking to herself. Since I have to be careful about what I discuss with Mom, I’m not going to bring up the subject of Mom talking to herself.