Off the Cuff / My Other Journal

Change? But why?

If I could change my…anything, I wouldn’t be me. No, I am neither being facetious nor wallowing in self-glorification.

I know they say the only person you can change is yourself, but up to the present time, who I am got me this far, however in a stumbling fashion. If I didn’t stumble so much, I would lose some of the people who like me. Truth is, half the people who like me became close to me because they saw I had shortcomings same as they. Just human nature, I guess. People warm up to me, as soon as they see how goofy I can be.

Case in point: I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday. The doc had mentioned six months ago, at the last visit, that he wanted me to get blood tests a week before I saw him again, which I totally forgot. Late last night, I recalled vaguely that he had said something like it.
Early this morning, I called the lab and asked if I had blood-work ordered in my chart. Sure enough, I had. Half an hour later, when I was in the lab, I told all this to the nurse while she was drawing blood and I asked her if the results would be in by Thursday for the doctor. She said, yes, she’d rush them for me.
The nurse became really friendly after that. She told me the things she forgets all the time and a few other things about her life, her family etc. Luckily, there weren’t many other patients waiting, and I left there feeling like I had tea with a friend, instead of getting my blood drawn. Before she learned of my goofiness, she was very quiet, very professional. Chances are, she would have stayed that way, had I been a bit closer to being less flawed.

One thing about me I may need to suppress is, when life turns shallow around me or conversation borders on banal, I tend to shut others off and go live inside my own head. This sometimes ends up with me staring blankly or laughing or giggling at what goes on within me. I have to admit, this behavior has gotten me in hot water at times, but then, at other times, it has encouraged the environment or the conversation to change. So, even that is welcome as long as I can get away with it.

Another thing is, I don’t see why I should re-invent myself at this age. I want to live the rest of my life to my liking. It is just too late to reform. Maybe, trying to change oneself, to improve life and lot for the better, would work for young people as they are still works in progress, and some people could use a personal plan for growth if they feel they have problems bothering them, problems whose outcomes they can change by changing themselves. Stretching oneself toward improvement is something I would applaud in anyone especially in the young, but for me, faults, flaws, absurdity, and foolishness can happen without notice, and I am fine with that.

Now, if you asked me who or what I could change surrounding me, that would be another story, as I can easily imagine how I would want to change other people or the circumstances of the world. But then, I don’t think I would do that either. This world with all its faults has gotten me this far, and my imperfections, somehow, seem to fit in well with everyone else’s and the world’s deficiencies.

To put it in a nutshell (pun intended), in this flawed world, my internal clutter is all mine to enjoy.

-----------------------

Prompt: If I could change my... Complete the statement (multiple times if that floats your boat) Play it crazy or play it safe - as long as you play.