Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about keeping in touch.

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Hey everyone! Hope you all had a stellar good time yesterday, and are recovered/recovering and whatnot. I've been doing what I pretty much do best most of the day, which is putting off everything because life sometimes has a funny way of letting you know it's paying attention to you.

This sounds like something you'd read on a fortune cookie, doesn't it? I want to say that it implies you'll be together with the person you're meant to be with for a long, long time, but you know I can't possibly be thinking that straightforwardly.

I'm not looking at this in a romantic sense (imagine that)...this picture doesn't actually say what "you" will be together "with" forever. I know...details, details. Here's something about me you might not know: when someone says "keep in touch"...I'm really bad at that. Part of it might be that most of the time that sentiment is an absolute bullshit way of someone trying to be nice. Another part of it might be that if we spend all our time trying to keep in touch with even some of the people who really mean it, we'd be too busy to meet new people. I'm not saying there are more important people potentially out there. There probably are; and you'll probably never see them anyway...not because I'm a Negative Norb or anything, but maybe they're seriously 5000 miles away from you and always will be. And one more reason why I don't often keep in touch...I'm actually a horrible conversationalist most of the time with people I don't talk to on a regular basis. I'm like a vocal manifestation of my physical awkwardness.

Need an example? I have over a thousand Facebook friends. How many do I keep in contact with on even a semi-regular basis, say, maybe once a week at minimum? Somewhere south of ten. It's not that I'm a bad friend...but I'm a bad friend.

Anyway, lately I've been in the process of staying on top of certain things and trying to catch up in other places I might've fallen (or might be in danger of falling) behind...sometimes the more I do that, the less I seem to actually get ahead. I feel like sometimes I find myself saying things that sound like a great idea at the time, until I've thought about it, forgotten about it, and wind up getting called out on it. Most of the time I can recover. But it's the times I haven't been able to that always stay with me.

Last night I was laying in bed...lately I've been having a hard time falling asleep again. And because I can't just lay down in darkness and complete silence, I did what so many of us do...I started scrolling through Facebook. And when I say scrolling, I'm so serious, because most of it is utter crap that I know I shouldn't let aggravate me, but it does. I've gotten better at moving on, but that's not the point. Anyway, I came across a picture of Bill Watterson (the cartoonist who penned "Calvin and Hobbes") in honor of his birthday so I shared it, and eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up there were a couple of likes on the pic, and a comment from a high school classmate of mine...absolutely unrelated, asking me if I'd listen to a song he wrote and maybe come up with some lyrics for. Of course! I don't know if I've told this to more than two or three people before, but for years it's been a secret fantasy of mine to put words down to instrumental music- think Moby, or some of the Check Your Head or Ill Communication-era Beastie Boys. So I'm thinking this is so cool! I haven't talked to this guy very often in the last five years or so, but he'd made a cd of his compositions back then and sent me a copy, and I really enjoyed it; I gave him a link to some of my WDC items, and that was pretty much it.

And then it set in...he's a classicly-trained guitarist. He's really good at what he does. And regardless of all the poems and blog entries I've written, or words I've rhymed, or times I've tried to keep up with a beat in my head...for all I've done of that, I'm just an amateur. I may have been writing for a long time, but I'm no more ahead of the game than a second-grader writing a book report. So now, even before I've actually listened to his song, I'm terrified. What if I can't think of anything? What if I can, and it sucks? What if I can, and I don't think it sucks, but he does?

Now might be a good time to mention that I have zero musical background besides listening to it. Can't read it, can't play it...nothin'. I can barely describe what I'm hearing in my head sometimes...I have another friend who can play guitar, and I gave him a copy of some poems and asked him what he thought, and to see if he could make some music out of them. But I couldn't articulate exactly what I wanted, and I gave up. It's a lot of work, constructing complete songs...it's like asking me to build a house and only being able to tell you what a window looks like.

What doesn't help is that I haven't asked enough questions, and maybe I should, but this man approached me out of seemingly nowhere because I assume he thinks I can do a good job for him. That in itself is a tremendous compliment. Maybe he's read one or zero of my poems, maybe more. Maybe he's read a couple blog entries that I've shared on Facebook or Twitter, or all of them or none of them. He could just be taking my word for it now after a lot of years. Who knows. It's not the time to ask. It doesn't matter. I owe him the respect of trying my best, because I may never get this opportunity again.

The point of all of this? Be nice to people. Don't be afraid to share with them when they're open with you. And if you're not good at staying in touch, at least keep the lines of communication open. Forever's a long freakin' time, and circumstances aren't always optimal for people to be interested in what you might have to offer. Sometimes you just have to keep doin' what you do, and eventually, well, I'm not that far ahead of myself yet say what can or can't happen, but anything's possible.

I don't think I've ever thought that much about it...but this is my all-time favorite instrumental track since probably not long after I heard it. It's the one I judge all other instrumentals by, whether it's techno or hip hop or one gigantic drum solo like Led Zeppelin's "Moby Dick". I almost kinda wish I could condense this down to six seconds and make it the entrance music for any time I walk into a room. It's perfect.

Does anyone else ever feel like they complicate their lives a little more in order to motivate themselves? I downloaded the Goodreads app today (I swear, I thought I did that months ago, and it would've been not hard to figure out if I did, but whatever) because I really want to read more of somethings that aren't also websites. And yet, as gung-ho as I feel about it currently, a) the "scan a barcode" option really sucks (or the books I've scanned so far really do); and b) is it bad that I've already determined this'll probably be the first app I delete the next time I get the "you're running out of storage space" notification on my tablet? Because guess what...I still haven't been able to open a new book yet. For someone who writes often, I'm like the worst reader. In terms of volume; I'm not, like, illiterate or dyslexic by any means. But oh the existential question: How can one be a bad reader if they aren't able to read? My problem isn't that; it's that I just don't feel like it...which definitely is worse than illiteracy (and nope, shaming myself publicly isn't making me want to care more about reading either...damn).

Maybe I would have more time to read if I could remember to do simple little time-saving maneuvers, like check the little box on newsfeed posts that advise you that you won't be emailed replies to the original post if you've made a comment. This is also why I need to stay off of WDC after I've taken Ambien. I couldn't tell you the last time I woke up to 50 new emails, 47 of which were related to a note I commented on at probably 1am, and none of which I would've known about had I checked the damn box. Yes, I know I'm complaining about something that is my own damn fault. You'll have that from time to time. And yes, I didn't have to read each separate reply. Stop making this harder on me the I've already made it for myself.

Alright...well, I was gonna add more, but I also thought this wasn't gonna be a very long entry, and considering that I only let myself go after one prompt today, clearly I don't know where my "off" button is. Apparently I won't be going to sleep early tonight either. Peace, for how long, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!