Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about the folks, the time, and the music.

"From a humorous perspective, what is the worst thing parents can do to their children?"

What's happenin' y'all? This is twice in one week...it almost feels like the old days  , when I could write for like, forever with good intentions. Somehow I've grown selective...maybe it's science, but I don't care. I do what I want when I want as long as it feels good.

Glad we understand where I'm comin' from.

Let it be said, before I tear into this self-inflicted prompt, that I've always had a tenuous relationship with authority. Harmony for the sake of harmony...I get it. Learning where to pick your battles only comes with experience. When you're told as a child to ask questions about everything, and you take it to heart from someone you trust, don't be surprised when that comes back on you. And it only gets weird when you let it. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom now, after years of not having one at all (it's a long story that I don't care to get into), and I'm thankful for that. And I know I shouldn't be surprised that I don't have a relationship anymore with Pop Diesel (that's how I used to refer to my dad in previous blogs and entries), but that is how we're wired, I guess...that's how the men are in this idea of family that I didn't have a say of being born into. Men are dicks. I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants for a reason...there isn't one major outlying reason for it other than the two people producing me did their best and worst to create me. But I have no choice, so let's go on and so forth...

I don't have kids, so I am deep-seated in the tremendous position of being able to give advice without giving a shit! And if y'all have read me before, you'll know then that I'm rollin' up my sleeves and I'm ready to spit child-rearin' game from the comfort of my bed with zero fucks to give [Disclaimer: I've been involved with girls who have kids. I know you're all crazy about that when it comes to them.].

I get to see what y'all parents do to your kids, and I laugh. It ain't like the old days...peer pressure makes kids want to do shit we could never dream of back in the day, and most of y'all try to keep it that way. Your kids are dying to be accepted in ways we could only imagine...and what we imagined has slowly become commonplace, much to your chagrin. The freedoms we wanted back in the 80's are all that the parents of today are either trying to scare their own kids from, or are finding out firsthand that they are exactly their parents' kids. Discovery and experimentation never go out of style, regardless of what today's fashions tell you. And take all the pictures you can...that should go without saying in this infinite camera-phone society. Only the shittiest kids like me have destroyed their film-camera legacies back in the misbehavin' 70's...now, the tightest parents have their kids' Camera Roll on the cloud, and can access that shit whenever their whimsical fancy strikes them to be so god damn creative with the editing software and the filters and the HOLY FUCK CAN YOU BELIEVE IT NOW MY KID IS 17 WHERE DID THE TIME GO WHAT WAS I DOING IM THE WORST PARENT EVER FML DONT GO AWAY I ONLY REMEMBER YOU WHEN YOU WERE SWADDLED IN BLANKETS. Gawd I hate all of you.

But that's just how I am, because I'm not in it. I always swore to myself it'd be my mission if I had kids to raise them differently than I was raised. Not that I'm slaggin' on my mother or my father, but for fuck's sake who would I be if I didn't think I could do a better job? After all, don't all parents want a better life for their kids? Isn't that why working and being decent people happens? Setting a good example. There were times when I could've been that...but I hadn't met the compatible person. I would've been the awkward dad. I would've fallen into a complacency trap, in a marriage where two people exist only to raise a kid who gets bored watching and waiting to see which one of his parents annoys the other the least. Luckily, all I have to worry about usually is how much I'm annoying myself (which is a lot, if you're still keeping score on me at home).

So hey, if you have kids, be proud. I know I'd be that parent with a hundred pics in my WDC port of that kid doin' the dumbest shit instead of the already dumb shit that's in there meme-wise. I'd be shovin' how cute my genes are up everyone else's ass, just to make up for all the times I was told I was the ugliest kid anyone'd ever seen. And then I'd make sure I had that kid's back through anything...I understand a lot of things better now than I did when I was growing up, and I need to figure out how to convey that. Well, I don't need to, because I'm not babydaddying anyone, so OH MY GAWD WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS.

Ugh. I'll prolly straight-up ruin a kid. LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA. IF SHES GON WHOOP YOUR ASS, BEST BELIEVE I'M GON WHOOP YOUR ASS, CUZ THEN SHE'S GON WHOOP MAH ASS FO HAVIN TO WHOOP YO ASS. Circle of life in families of divorce, my friends. I'd rather give up all the fun of procreation than risk the continuation of some quote-unquote ideal parenting.

Please don't ever make me give up the fun of procreation though.

I know that was a lot of rambling with almost zero conclusion... sorry to put that on you guys as the means of a prompt.

"Would you rather have more time in a day or an extra day of the week? Why or why not?"

Oh man...what a conundrum. I guess it depends on what you're looking for out of life, and what your situation is.

I can't tell you how many times in the last couple of years I've woken up in the morning hoping that the time to fall asleep again would happen very quickly. And before you chirp about how depressing that sounds, well, I have Severe Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. What saddens you offhandedly is pretty much my everyday life. So eat a bag of dicks and let's just live our own lives before we judge others, ok?

While an extra day of the week might be fun, given that it's what it's meant for, how am I supposed to know I'll be up for it? I can plan for it all I want as long as the days are, but when it hits how am I to know how I'll really feel about it? What if I wake up on the extra day each week and all I really wanna do is chill and recharge? My therapist and I had a similar conversation about this yesterday...I used to throw a lot of spontaneous parties back in the day, and people from all phases of my life (friends, family, coworkers) would show up and it would be a really good time for everyone. But if I tried to plan a party, hardly anyone would come. Why was that? I couldn't just gift people the extra hours to do whatever they wanted and still make time for me. I'm selfish, but not that much.

I've put myself into a shell, not just since I've moved out to Cortland but in general. I've been that way for a long time. I don't bother anyone, and no one bothers me, and life goes on, and we're cool. I was tired of opening myself up to people only to be let down, whether it was because of them or my own expectations or actions. I know I don't need an extra day to push anyone away from me.

But I've been talking a lot to someone lately, and she's helped me tremendously to not only get over myself and all the little things that get in my head's way, but to see who I am as a person and how I express my thoughts to others. I wasn't looking for it so much as she just came to me, and I hope she's not mad for calling her out by name, but pinkbarbie thank you for messaging me, talking to me, and being as awesome as you are.

I'm going through a weird and complicated stretch in life right now. I'm thankful for all my WDC friends and their words...but Aisha has been a constant and a source of happiness that I can't begin to describe. She's the best friend a silly, lovelorn boy like me could ever hope to have. I'd rather have an extra hour every day with her than a bonus day, or any day, without her  .

"Music is the art of thinking with sounds. Do you agree?"

Y'all know I couldn't turn down a music prompt, right? Especially not my girl Princess Megan Rose GOT Fox 's.

Music is so much more than just "the art of thinking with sounds". It can build bridges and break down walls. It's there when no one else is. The song in your head is stronger than the wherewithal of your enemies.

I love little things with music, like Charlie ~ last night tagging me in "Note: [Embed //www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkTqXjlDP_I] ...". Not only do I appreciate the sentiment, but I know where it's coming from. Charlie and I have similar tastes, and I love it when he does that. He'll convince me to get in on Spotify as soon as he joins Facebook.

But yo...I'd go batshit without music. Sounds, lyrics, momentum, postures...there's so much more to music than just "sounds". Oh my forgiveness, just jam earbuds into your ears during Sgt. Pepper or Yankee Hotel Foxtrot or Hey Ladies. Sonic treasures! Lay back and let the music take you somewhere!

It's there when your heart is broken, and it's there when you want to put it back together. When you're angry, or when you're pumped. Finding the right song for your mood, to me, is paramount when getting your day on in public and you need some swagger. Can't nobody front on my flow when I'm feeling like it's a musical masterpiece, but if you can hear what I'm dealin' with then that's cool at least  . Baller Soundtrack 101, my man....if the music is in your soul, it don't matter what you look like or where you come from. Arguments? The line starts on the far right...right the fuck outta here.

I can't talk about music without getting a little itchy in my drawers or my typy-fingers about Blur. So, so many good songs. All the good feelings. Star-shaped, and whatnot. Oh good lawd, whew...it's only me. Still a fantastic song/video, no matter how many times I've shared it before.

"So take me home, don't leave me alone...
I'm not that good but I'm not that bad."
Lyrics.  

Y'all better get your newsfeeds right if I'm seein' what I'm seein' correctly...lizco252 has another Soundtrackers challenge opportunity up in the cut. You know I'm in...so get down with the gotten-down and sign up at "Resurrection Jukebox" .

Alright...I've had a long day and I promised myself (and Aisha) I'd relax. I don't have to do anything for the next couple of days, so I think that's what I'll do. Peace, across the Ganges, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!