The Undiscovered Country

Be Brave

When I was younger I had no qualms about taking classes in drama and performing for hundreds of students. I twice joined a Salvation Army summer evangelism group where we sang and performed skits for hundreds of people.

Nowadays my skin crawls at the thought of speaking in front of people – whether they be a dozen or a few hundred. Even the idea setting up somewhere such as a bookstore for a book signing makes me shudder.

Why?

Do I not believe my words are worth sharing with others? I used to be able to perform in front of audiences, and never once died from it. Yep. Not once. So where is this fear coming from?

A part of it is fear of rejection. If my books get rejected in person, it'd be near impossible to not take it personal. To see my books not sell online, I can chalk it up to not advertising enough, not because no one is interested.

It's also fear of success. One reason I took so long writing this entry compared to the last is meeting the expectations of my readers. What if I can't continue to deliver on the promise of interesting and thought-provoking stories time and again?

There's also the tendency toward laziness. Promoting takes work, and at times (often) I don't want to put in the work necessary to gain more readers. I want other people to do it for me.

Each year, Tom's school picks a scriptural verse for the year. This year it's Isaiah 6:8:

Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom shall I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?”

I said, “Here I am. Send me.”

I don't claim to be a messenger of Isaiah's caliber, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be one. I love to write for a reason. I do feel (mostly) that my words can and should be shared.

God has shown me more than once that he wants me to share them.

One instance in particular was in 2010. Tom was two years old, and I was content on being a mom. I hadn't written much past the occasional entry, and I certainly hadn't started a new book or tackle editing an old one. Searching for publishers wasn't even on my radar. I seriously considered quitting my dream of publishing my books, perhaps even quit writing fiction as a whole. And I was okay with that.

I received an email from the American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW) about how they were accepting entries for their Genesis Contest (the first 15 pages of an unpublished novel by an unpublished writer).

I thought, “Okay, God. Here's the deal. I'll submit my first novel. If it doesn't make the finals, I'll take it as a sign that I should quit. If it does, then I will continue.”

Fast forward a few months. I received a phone call (which I didn't answer because I thought it was a wrong number). The caller (I forget her name) left me a message stating that my book had made the finals, and was in line to possibly win in the speculative fiction category. (God took it a step further; I found out at the conference a few months later that my novel won).

Was I excited and elated? Sure. For about twelve seconds. After that appeared disappointment. Making the finals and winning meant God wanted me to continue the frustrating and arduous path of writing fiction – worse – pursue publication and – ugh – promotion.

Telling God to send me is a scary thought, because there's no way of figuring out where he will send me. He never says until the moment he needs me to do something. I'd give a few examples, but this entry is long enough as it is.

My pastor is doing a sermon series called “Fruitful Living.” The basic premise is that in order to truly be God's servants, we must act – produce fruit. Hiding my words is not bearing fruit. God does not give us certain talents and certain passions to keep to ourselves. What good is that?

So how does one exercise bravery? It isn't about eliminating fear, it's about moving forward in spite of that fear.

I can't allow fear to rule me and my actions:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-control.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

That one verse convicts me on my fear, my timidity and my laziness (which is a lack of self-control). If I'm feeling fearful, timid and lazy, I need to turn to God for his help – to give me his spirit to overcome all three. Without it, my words cannot succeed.

And I do want them to succeed.

It simply can't happen until I lean on God and get to work, trusting that he will guide me in a way that I need not be afraid.