The Undiscovered Country

A Rollercoaster Ride

Sometimes I hate myself.

Not really, but there are times I wish I could turn off parts of my brain, specifically the parts that whisper those horrible little thoughts such as "I'm not good enough," and "I'm not smart enough," etc., etc., etc.

Or in this case, "my stories aren't good enough," "I can't compete, because every other writer in the world is better than me," and "I don't know what I'm doing," etc., etc., etc.

The never-ending litany of doubt.

I could give into it. After all, I'm not writing for the money. I already have a great job that pays well, and I want for nothing.

So why do I do it? Why do I allow those little voices to torture me?

Because in order to shut them up, I would have to give up on one of the best parts of what makes me me.

I learned a long time ago it's when those voices scream louder that I know I'm on the right path, and that I need to push ever harder to get where I want to be. It's the things we fight for that mean the most, and end up our greatest successes.

No matter how often we "fail" during that journey.

And I will fail, but they're not really failures if I don't give up. More like setbacks. But even setbacks can be good, because that's where the real, and long-standing lessons are learned.

That said, part of what brought this angst on was in looking at prospective agents. Some want minority main characters and non-western-type settings. Even for science fiction and fantasy. As for setting, I don't know if mine could be deemed "western" or not, because it's so completely made up. I don't see it as an issue, so do I need make it one?

While I have plenty of so-called "minority" characters (two of whom play crucial roles), my main protagonist is a white male. I could change his color easily, but race isn't a factor in my stories to begin with (I only mention skin tone when describing a character, and I never refer to a person's actual heritage. In futuristic science fiction, it's irrelevant anyway). So why make it an issue at all? Still, I can't help but wonder if I'm running into "literary affirmative action."

But I will stop there, because that's not the point of this entry.

After finding all that with a number of agents, I question if my novel is unique enough. Can it pass the cliché test? Truth is, I don't really know, and won't until I send off more queries -- and add to my pile of rejection letters.

Oh! I learned two interesting terms during my agent search today. Mako Mori and Bechdel Tests. One agent said anything submitted in the sci-fi/fantasy genre must pass these media tests (although they're usually used with regard to films).

Mako Mori Test:

a) at least one female character;

b) who gets her own narrative arc;

c) that is not about supporting a man’s story.

Bechdel or Bechdel-Wallace Test:

1. the movie [media] has at least two women characters;

2. who talk to each other;

3. about something other than a man.

You can find more information about both below:

http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Mako_Mori_test and http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Bechdel_test

Even though my main character is a male, there are four female characters who, I believe, meet and exceed both tests. So, there is that.