Soundtracked

30DIC Day 2: Lower

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Prompt (Blog City): "All of us have slumps and getting back on track varies drastically among us so let's toss ideas around on how to stay motivated with our writing. What works best for you?"

Welcome back! Day 2 of the "Invalid Item"  is upon us, and I'm working in a little "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise"  action for added measure today, although I'm not exactly sure how on point or helpful I'll be .

People say a lot of things (about me) and I don't agree or disagree with them, but I can tell you the one thing I know I'm a master of, and that's falling into a slump as far as writing is concerned. I'm also exceptional at staying in slumps, because it's so easy (Captain Obvious voice). And it's not just the slump itself that winds up being the factor in maintaining it...as I'm sure many of you know, it turns into motivational issues. And that in turn leads to dread and self-doubt: Will I be able to do it again, when it was easy to write daily? Will it feel the same? Will my enjoyment and love of it come back? Nobody does things because it makes them feel shitty or sad, and what's the reward, or even the point, if there's no sense of accomplishment then? You're just dragging yourself down a staircase that has no end, and you're going through motions that seemingly have no meaning. And so you don't bother. And it sucks when you just don't have it in you to do the thing you love.

Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Chances are, you've been there on some level. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting that off more than I'm writing, and even though I didn't blog much in the last year I did write a lot more poetry than I have in the last couple years. I guess that's a win, or at least some progress.

What helps me? Support. Lots of support. People interested in the projects I take on for myself, and having people doing their work next to me (so to speak). Like I mentioned yesterday, there are a couple of us who are doing this and also trying a "Give It 100!" -style challenge to get ourselves back in the habit of writing. We're motivating each other and keeping ourselves accountable a bit...strength in numbers and all that . As much as we may sometimes say we do this for ourselves, we're also doing it to share it with other people...we know others are gonna read it and hopefully enjoy it.

And getting started, as cliche as it sounds, is just taking that first step and doing it...you have to start somewhere, and hope some of the muscle memory is still there to recapture your voice and how it feels to be back in the community. Once you've found a group or project or activity you think you'd be interested in, you just have to go for it. You don't get to the top or bottom of a staircase by staring at it, and you might slip or wobble if you haven't been there in awhile, but eventually you'll find yourself saying "Geez, that wasn't so bad...why haven't I been doing this?" and if you're lucky, you'll feel like you never stopped.

Then, make sure you reward yourself with a sandwich and a nap . The best way to ensure you don't get caught up in a slump is to not take days off, even if you're not really feelin' it. You don't have to write necessarily, but ideas and inspirations are literally everywhere you look. Sometimes a day spent recalibrating your perception and adjusting the way you look at things can be more beneficial than staring at a blank screen wondering WTF you're doing.

Wasn't sure which image to use today...and once I got it in my head that "6/2 back of head"  might almost be too easy, I had to figure out how I was gonna go about it. I like that this staircase seems like it's kinda in an open area (ok, maybe that's a stretch ), yet it also seems like as soon as you stop payin' attention someone's gonna reach up and snatch your ankles (also a stretch, but I liked how that phrase "snatch your ankles" sounded in my head when I first saw the image ). Then I started flipping through some notes I've been keeping and some ideas started coming. I ended up with a poem, which isn't a bad thing even though it's depressing and about depression and anxiety. Not really sure what else to say about it.

Lower

I can see myself in you,
struggling
         to put
one foot          in front of          the other.
What we fail to grasp:
there is no winner, no trophy
for Disease League Champion.
Don't look down. There's nothing
more to see
but more
of nothing to see.
How can I be your railing
when it's me who needs
a stair?
It should be a simple concept...
one foot          in front of          the other.
Going. Coming. Yet
too tense to flee in
every which way
to move at all.
Say it like it scares me...
your paralysis becomes mine
attacking with temerity.
Spirals only flow in one direction
at a whirlpool's pace
and we have to walk ourselves
         together
one foot          in front of          the other.

         "Lower" , from "Also Mutants" 

I almost feel like I post this song kinda regularly whenever I start to talk about depression. And I say the same things about it: it's creepy, gloomy, scary, etc. But when something is what it is, how many different ways are there to say it?

"Climbing Up The Walls"  - Radiohead

"I am the key to the lock in your house
that keeps your toys in the basement...
and if you get too far inside, you'll only see my reflection."

Public Service Announcement: You'll have to forgive me, but every time I talk about depression I have this compulsion to share this...if you or someone you know is struggling, please seek help  . In the US, call 1-800-273-8255. In the UK   call 0800 068 41 41. For my Canadian friends  , here is a list of Crisis Centres   broken down by province. If you live in a country that has people in it, they're bound to have a website and/or confidential helpline...there is help out there, no matter your circumstances.

Currently contemplating whether or not I want to move...either back home with my mom, or find an apartment out here in Cortland (currently renting a room...not ideal), or stay put. There are pros and cons to each situation that seem both advantageous and limiting, which is making this decision very difficult and stressful...and it kinda shouldn't be, but there's no clear right answer at the moment. Could be why I'm just not feeling right...it's in the back of my mind 24/7, and I know I'm gonna hit a deadline eventually where I'll have to pick something and stick with it...and that's not one of my strong points.

And finally, since I gotta lighten the mood up in this entry somehow, everyone's heard of and/or got one of them fidget spinners, right? I'm getting my hands on one soon, as I can see myself using it in a few of my life's situations. All one has to do is watch me during any of the WDC Live   broadcasts to see I have no idea how to sit still for more than 10 seconds . Anyway, I guess this dude found a fidget spinner in his wife's underwear drawer, only it clearly was not  .

Alright, well, I think we're done here for today. I promise I'll try to have a more fun entry tomorrow...we'll see. No promises, but that's the loose goal. Time to go get me that sandwich and a nap . Peace, either way you turn I'll be there, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!