I'm Only the Trombone Player

To Goal Or Not To Goal?

I began setting monthly goals, about three months ago. Over the course of those months I managed to make those goals. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth, but I can still say I made them. Having them set in stone so to speak on "Invalid Item" , was and is a big help. I am also participating in the "Habit Heroes " , which has gotten me somewhat back on track schedule wise … no more late night TV bingeing.

This month, barring a miracle, I am not going to make my goals. Not so much for lack of trying. I've spent more then enough time at the keyboard to have completed everything I needed to complete. The will and drive to actually complete anything is lost in a sea of ennui, much of it caused by the circumstances going on around me.

The world is going to you know where in a handbasket and doesn't look to be turning around any time soon. Feeling powerless to control that spiral is in many ways debilitating.

Professionally, something I worked to build all my life is being torn apart by a force I can't begin to understand how to fight. Politics, I can fight, funding problems, I can fight. How do I put one hundred students in a room today, tomorrow or whenever and make music? How do I do that if I can never put students together in a room?

Personally, how do you handle finding out someone you thought you knew and loved isn't who you thought they were? How do you deal with knowing they've lied and deceived you for their entire lifetime? How does one deal with knowing they don't deserve the wonderful gift they've received?

Sorry, I know this is more rant than blog post. Hopefully, June will be better, though this will be the first June in 15 years I won't be conducting the band at Graduation, so it's already wearing on me.