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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
Size: 101 Entries
Created: October 11th, 2005 at 6:49am
Modified: June 19th, 2019 at 2:26pm
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This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block.
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| I had a mini vacation at a good friends house. I wrote a poem that's okay this morning. I'm reading a Virginia woolf biography now. Out of one of my meds until tomorrow, been without all week. Focus has turned on weight loss along with trying to organize memoir. Inspir ed by the 17 year old who had to do her own euthanasia. I can't find her book anywhere online. I want to read it so much. Sometimes what happens to you is larger than you and there are not enough of it to explain to the average person out there. |
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| Anyone around me now would not know me if I wrote the memoir of my experiences. I seem boring and doing ok but some of my experiences might help.one person who.felt what it's like. The rape at the high school a second sexual.abuse, bullyingsinceiwas little, eating disorder substance abuse abusiverelationships psychiatric manipulation, to say the least I thought I'd write it just to work through it. But I went to some dark places in my mind and I still get bullied ing situation. These things that happen need to be exposed and hopefully someone will.stop someone from getting hurt. What do youthink? |
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I have other crappy get cathartic small.writing tasks I can do since I can't see myself writing anything worth revising. I wrote 4 pages of journal focused possib!e memoir material already. What I want but can't really do today is writing a poem worth revising. I did my morning pages which vents and gets surface garbage out of my head. I have stuff to read. Finishing a library book about knitting and life. I wanted to re-read the short story of plath,s Johnny panic and the bible of dreams and rereading brave new world and the sarte book of philosophy. I used to be able to do small research and inspiration rising to lead my self to a short story with promise and again worth revising. I have a notebook or poems I wrote for April poetry month and Nanomo april. But everything seems so futile. And I complain, procrastinate,too much. I need to get back to writing anything daily just as practice. It helps to write something crappy by rationalizing No one will ever have to read it but me.
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I have other crappy get cathartic small.writing tasks I can do since I can't see myself writing anything worth revising. I wrote 4 pages of journal focused possib!e memoir material already. What I want but can't really do today is writing a poem worth revising. I did my morning pages which vents and gets surface garbage out of my head. I have stuff to read. Finishing a library book about knitting and life. I wanted to re-read the short story of plath,s Johnny panic and the bible of dreams and rereading brave new world and the sarte book of philosophy. I used to be able to do small research and inspiration rising to lead my self to a short story with promise and again worth revising. I have a notebook or poems I wrote for April poetry month and Nanomo april. But everything seems so futile. And I complain, procrastinate,too much. I need to get back to writing anything daily just as practice. It helps to write something crappy by rationalizing No one will ever have to read it but me.
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| I went to a sit and knit at th local library. I had an okay time, everyone seemed too busy with their own projects for me to ask how to purl or use a circular needle. But I'll go back next month. One there was a guidance counselor about to retire. An old friend and I talked about our hellish school.memories of being severely bullied and the school doing nothing about it or even blaming us. They called me dead girl and creature for one thing. Jen was bullied worse than me but I was raped and almost bled to death and did,t tell anyone until a year later when the classmate said he was going to do it again and I was going to kill myself so that couldn't happen. I was already weird and messed up before the rape too so I never recovered really. I can't even be in a car that drives past the school now without almost crying and ptsd reactions. My friend said I should use my mental health degree to help kids like us. All I can do about it now is write about it and try to focus on what's salvageable of my future. |
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| I went to a sit and knit at th local library. I had an okay time, everyone seemed too busy with their own projects for me to ask how to purl or use a circular needle. But I'll go back next month. One there was a guidance counselor about to retire. An old friend and I talked about our hellish school.memories of being severely bullied and the school doing nothing about it or even blaming us. They called me dead girl and creature for one thing. Jen was bullied worse than me but I was raped and almost bled to death and did,t tell anyone until a year later when the classmate said he was going to do it again and I was going to kill myself so that couldn't happen. I was already weird and messed up before the rape too so I never recovered really. I can't even be in a car that drives past the school now without almost crying and ptsd reactions. My friend said I should use my mental health degree to help kids like us. All I can do about it now is write about it and try to focus on what's salvageable of my future. |
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| I just poured heart out and am little little pissed all I wrote here I accidentally erased. My dog died the other day and it still hasn't hit me totallty. I am one of those people who love their pets as much or more than other people. I wrote 8 pages after taking my morning meds. It's slaYs hits the worse with grief when you look for them as usual and there just not there. |
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| I have been having ridiculous sleeping problems. I sleep for almost 20 hours and just can't wake up. Then I'm up for 2 days. It coould be a bipolar issue. I was in the highest mood Thursday and it slipped away by friday. I've been listening to the cable music channel and korn and linkin park,disturbed, hole, how to destroy angels, nin. I just realized with that writing I've been doing for the music contest that I can't really write without it not being general content and not graphic. Sort of disappointing and depressing since I've been focusing on it. I think I'll just continue for myself or try the flash fiction a day. I wrote 2 ok poems that just came easy. Might post them. I have issues with mothers day because I had a miscarriage that devastated me years ago. And I don't get along with my mom. S o excuse me if I don't find it a happy fun holiday. I've been knitting while I listen to depressing angry music. I keep losing things, my glasses, vap gun and e cigarete. I hadn't smoked a cigarette for 35days and it's making me gain weight which f ing sucks. |
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Yesterday I went to the reception but not the wedding of my ex who is my best friend. Strangely I felt better not worse as everyone expects me to feel over this. I truly am happy for him. And I'm thankful I got to his family I haven't seen in over a year and my other good friend who sensitive to me having any indication of not being totally over him. I am blessed by having 3 good real friends in this world I can depend on to be there for 24\7. I am not a easy person to be around sometimes when I get symptomatic. I am very distressed over recent weight gain I think is because my thyroid is off. When I gain weight naturally or from binge eating I end up throwing it up, starving, and otc weight loss products. Now I can only pray all of that takes the weight off. Its not an issue of vanity but of control and emotional issues and past abuse. I am lucky I have a close friend who knows what it's all like. I hadn't been able to read much lately. I media in one day just because I'm running low on Books I actually own. I'm making slow progress but progress none the less with a current contest run of short stories. Ritalin can do wonders.
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| I wrote a page toward music contest. Its not a Lot but it was something. I've been doing the April nanomo 2019 creative writing challenge and I finished it with 1000 lines, almost a poem everyday. So trying to go back to prose was different. |
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