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before it gets too out of hand. |
  For me, anger has been an issue since the earliest days of my adolescence. Managing it has never been a top priority, though. As a result, I have paid dearly for the consequences of my most potent emotion. By the time I reached the age of 18, however, I decided to get it under control. This attempt resulted in failure, though, and my anger has continued to flourish to an extent. Turth is, though, this can't go on any longer, as my anger has become internally self-destructive, resulting in crippling internal stress that has robbed me of my energy and is pushing me back into the depths of depression. If I don't get a grip, I may likely be dead before I turn thirty, either by suicide or cardiopulmonary disease. When I look at my anger, though, I can't imagine myself without it. It has been my muse on several occassions, and on some days, it's been my main reason to get out of bed. I have been enjoying feeding off the euphoria of anger-provoked revenge for the past few years, and it's about as addictive as cocaine. How do I break free from this vicious circular thinking and make things right in my life for once? That's what I hope to find out through my scribblings here. This particular blog won't be updated daily or perhaps even weekly. It will be updated when I feel the need to discuss how this journey is progressing or regressing. All I ask is you keep an open mind with this journal. One thing I can admit right off the bat is preaching to me sets me off something fierce. If you try to preach to me in any way, I will not make any progress. I appreciate support, but remember that I'm the one who must make the choice to accept your advice. This is up to me and only me. I'm the one who must break the cycle. |
With kittiara and Mavis Moog  commenting in my blog wondering about how I'm exposed to my various triggers and why I devote an entire book item to my anger.First thing I'll address is the site gossip. I admit most of the time I become aware of it through journal hopping. Journal hopping can be interesting, yet it can also lead to being privvy to gossip. However, I do like to keep an eye on others' opinions of the site and have become something of an advocate for more open communication between the leadership of the site and other members. This (among other factors) lead me to develop a reviewing newsletter.
Some of the squabbles between members gets annoying, and I admit it usually pisses me off to see mods engaged in this type of catty behavior. I have to say a little bit of logical synthesis on my part has made me less ususceptible to being annoyed by what other site members do/think/feel. I'm not going to stop my journal hopping, although I'm reducing the amount of journal hopping I do. I've just figured out a better way to synthesize the information. That said, I still think that in order to be a good mod, I should still be aware of what goes on in the community, even being aware of the various clique activities going on. Hey, you never know when someone will ask your for advice. The older I get, the more complex problems I seek to untangle. After a while, I have to admit that I want there to be more to the moderator role than explaining how to make a BITEM link 187 times a day. I also see myself as a moderator that aims to help those besides newbies and try to expand the writing possibilities on the site. Maybe I'm more involved than I need to be. Then again, I see this as a way to learn how to manage large groups. After all, managing large groups is part of my long term political ambitions. So I'm a mod to try to make a profound difference on the site. It's frustrating, and my inclinations to make myself aware of headache-inducing drama don't help. All the same, I see that changes need to be made on the site. Thus I refuse to stick my head in the sand. Because I refuse to stick my head in the sand, my anger gets triggered. To help get my (somewhat violent) bursts of anger under control, I have this blog. This blog has, believe it or not, helped in getting myself under control. However, the quest is far from over. |
| With all the site drama and members bitching about the rules this past year, I've come to a conclusion about my anger. I'm not ready to resolve it. I'm not ready to break the cycle. I will keep updating this blog as I feel necessary because I still feel it's important to discuss my anger and how it works. Still, because it's been serving as my motivation for so long this year, I'm not about to let go of it, willingly or not. I also anticipating it getting worse as the year winds down to a close. I've spent more than half the year trying to turn my anger into something constructive to benefit the Writing.com community. However, my efforts have largely been in vain, as the melodrama simply escalates. It feels as if it's beyond my control, but my anger tells me not to give up. I stick around for spite and because I know that giving up means the hive mind will win. My pride and my anger will not accept that. So for now, the journey has gone from breaking away from anger to living with anger, someone who embraces her rage disorder. Sometimes it has its kinetic phases. Other times, it's latent. Perhaps it's progress that I know how my anger works. We'll see. I just think that I might have to cut back on my time here for the sake of preventing myself from having a stroke. I don't care. If 16 year olds can have heart attacks, 23 year olds can certainly have strokes. I'm surprised I haven't given myself one already. Outside of those effects of anger, though, how I handle myself in the future during my kinetic stages remains to be seen. |
| A lot has happened since April, and it has affected my anger. I opted for other, because in a way, all the original topics will be touched upon: triggers, factors, obstacles, progess and effects. I've moved to Boynton Beach, which has largely halped reduce environmental stresses. It's a much smaller place, which means less traffic. There's also fewer issues with language barriers, which takes a load of stress off my mind. On the other hand, it has also exacerbated triggers that are related to women. This post really says it all. "Invalid Post"  Women in general have made my anger management a real exercise in endurance. They have challenged me in every aspect of life: school (namely in the form of an aggravating professor), work (customers and co-workers) and online. I have tried my best to try to convert my angry frustration regarding the site into something constructive. "Cross sections and what not" "got ideas?"
But sometimes it gets the better of me. "Digital turf wars" It's really hard to say if I've made any progress this year. I suppose it's progress that I've been trying to find ways to try to convert my anger into something else (since humans are wont to compare emotions to energy, thus applying one of the basic laws of physics to something biological). On the other hand, the triggers are shifting, which leaves me dealing with curve ball after curve ball. So, I'm going to say I'm at the break even point. There is one plus, though. The kinetic energy I generate when I'm angry has gone down. I think it might have been due to being without AC for a while, which makes me sluggish. Let's see if AC affects my kineticism. With my luck, it does. In that case, bring on the ultimate stress reliever: Heroes! |
| I'll tell you what. 2007 has not been a good year for anger management. I've been dragged through the semester, which has meant a lot of stress. My patience threshold has been in steady decline. Work has been an increasing pain in my ass. The site is driving me to drink (for serious). Now the goddamn media has me eyeing the knife block. Okay, to be fair, the media is very good at pissing everyone off at one point or another. However, in my opinion, their covergae of the Virginia Tech shooting has gone way too far. When I say it's overkill, I intend for the pun in the malicious tone imaginable. The entire American media system is currently on my shit list, and if I had a gun, let's just say you'd get to watch CNN reporters run for their lives. So in other words, let's all take a moment to be thankful that I do not have a gun of any sort. I will rant more about this subject in my journal as to spare you all. So, as you can see, my blood pressure should have killed me about now with all this crap on my shoulders a third of the way into the year. Frankly, when it comes to anger management, I did better in 2006. Then again, I had more motivation last year. This year, I have yet to find a reason to get care, let alone get back on track. |
2007 has been a rather crappy year for anger managment. Why? Well, the drama on this site hasn't really let up, and I've witnessed a lot of it even with taking a week off from active participation. Now it might seem ridiculous to include the site in a journal about my personal issues. Thing is, I devote a shitload of time to the site, even when I work about 21 hours a week at Home Depot and am taking five college courses. So, it's a pretty big chunk of my life, especially when mi amor and I chat through the site's IM system. This system is easier for multitasking, something of which we're both guilty...or is that not guilty? I'll let you decide. With all that rambling out of the way, what exactly is pissing me off about the site? Let me count the ways. A lot of mod bitching about the site. I have no patience for your emo grumblings. If I want to see emo shit, then I watch any episode of Heroes in which Peter Petrelli gets a shitload of screen time. In that case, his brand of emo provides a foundation for some great plot twists and comic relief. That said, if you're a mod and you want to bitch about the site, then for god's sake have a little discretion. This complaining is so overabundant I have had it. Right now, I'm debating if my mod efforts are worth it. I'm giving myself a year to think it over. Why? Well.... Along with the emo mod overload, a general surge in bitching has reached me through e-mail, forum posts and other methods of site communication. I have said it before, and I guess I need to say it again.I AM NOT SUPER STIKY! I can only handle so much shit before I go wacko. Right now, I'm only keeping from going wacko is through staying busy and thinking about TV shows. One more e-mail, though, and I just might do something stupid enough to get myself demoted. Whether it's threatening someone for crossing mi amor's path or verbally ripping someone a new anus because (s)he doesn't have the cajones to handle a dispute without my help. Ultimately it's a dog eat dog world, even online. These people need to look out for themselves. Mods can help, but for the love of everything worth a damn, we can't do it all! People don't understand that mods are human, and we don't always have the resources available to solve your problems. Besides, in social conflicts, you pissants need to figure it out for yourselves sometimes. See why I wonder sometimes? On top of all that, I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that no one bothers to read anymore. Tech writers can cover their asses until the cows come home, but someone's still going to cry "Lawsuit!" or "Censorship!" Why? They don't bother to read the instructions. Here, instructions include the Content Rating System, Membership Agreement, Getting Started, Copyright policy, rules for the forums and so on. So next time your post in the General Discussion gets suspended for the word "stupid" and/or an offsite e-mail/website, remember it's your fault. We keep an eye out on shit like that not because we have nothing to do, but we like to hang out there, as you may have seen from the mods who come in and greet people. So get over yourselves and think before you leap.Now that I've discussed what about site drama sets me off, I might as well discuss what it does to me. Lately, I've been slipping back into my world of violent daydreams, as there have been several people to whom I've wanted to scream, knock out with a 10 lb. crow bar, pull a gun on, shit like that...and that's just here. Let's not even begin to get into the people at work and school that make me want to throw every last one of them off any tall structure I can find. It's been agitating me, putting me in dark moods when I walk into work. Work does help in the aspect that if I do any heavy lifting, I curiously feel better. School, though? The site drama is simply pushed aside as I endure the class drama. The only thing I've noticed helps is to continue to do my duties and withdraw from the social aspect. I feel like I'm only doing half my job. So, there's only one thing left to do, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm going to confront every last person on this site who has triggered me to gaze at my knife block in longing. Better to face my tongue than my iron fist. |
| http://health.msn.com/centers/cardio/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100142599 Miami esta el numero siete. Translation: Miami is the 7th angriest city in the nation. I'm surprised it's ranked that low, but it's still pretty damn high. Incidentally, Minneapolis is 77th. Moving will definitely help. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Miami! |
Though my tantrums might indicate laziness more as a trigger than a factor, I classify it as a factor because it triggers a variety of responses and aggravates any physical effects my anger may have on me. I think this is because I don't want to be a hypocrite. You can bitch and bitch and bitch about a certain subject till hell freezes over, but no one will listen unless you actually do something about it. That leads me away from venting (read whining) about whatever ails my mood. I realize that might be a bad thing because I turn into a pressure cooker for my emotions. Lift the lid and BOOM! I go immediately into a psychotic rant, like the one seen here.  "Whine, whine, whine" Yeah. Angers aweigh!So how have I been dealing with this indolence issue? Well, I've actually been going headlong into the fire, so to speak. I have been reading whining journal/blog entries to fuel my desire to get projects off the ground. The best example of this is my research on newsletters. People have been bitching about the overall downturn in review quality, so along with pledging to make more of my reviews public, I have decided to spearhead an effort for a project I originally did not support: a newsletter about reviewing. After giving it some thought, I realized that it might be the best communicative tool in improving the quality of reviews site-wide. So, I've been getting some feedback on the subject so I can determine the best course for handling this rather large undertaking (since reviewing is such a huge part of community interaction here). I'm still not sure exactly what role I wish to have in the development of this, but one has already floated through my my head: founder. Whether I'll become an editor or newsletter manager remains to be seen, and if push comes to shove, I might lose my moderator status for it. You know what? That's okay, because if this newsletter works, then I'll have found a way to deal with this factor, even make it work to my advantage. I'm not going to sit on my hands on this issue any longer. If indolence moves me...I'll make it work for me. |
| I already did a year in review in my journal ("Stik's Year in Review, Part 4" ). As for anger management, well, why not recap that, too? To me, resolving my anger issues was an afterthought resolution that on the whole I didn't keep. Not all was a loss, however. I did get somewhere in figuring out what sets me off. I used to think I was easily provoked, but I know better now. My anger tantrums, when they do flare up, stem from long repressed feelings of frustration. Thus, when triggers come into play, they set off a backlog of emotions. Likewise I've figured out some ways to relieve the mental tension associated with my anger. The bad news is I did next to nothing to resolve my psychosomatic reactions. Part of that was I had significantly less of those reactions as the year went on. I did have them, though. After I found out my former roommate was circulating a petition for two dismissed football players to be reinstated, I punched the wall of my apartment. Needless to say, the wall won. I've noticed that I'm not as angry after exerting myself, especially when it comes to lifting heavy objects. I think the law of energy comes into play, as my energy is not made or destroyed. Instead, it is transformed from anger to physical activity. I think next year will involve more running or enrolling in a particularly brutal martial art. I find that when people suggest such supposedly mind controlling activities such as yoga, meditation or aikido, I want nothing more than to remain an angry hermit. Only now have I figured out why. I need a safe outlet for my violent tendency. I'm not afraid to hit objects. Ever since my 18th birthday, the looming threat of assault charges has kept me from hitting people. However, I still remember places on the human anatomy where I can kill a person with my bare hands if the time arises. Thus, I need to enroll in an activity where I can simulate those actions, if nothing else to expend the angry energy. Something like kendo or tae kwon do would fill the bill. Of course, the two things getting in the way are finances and lost time chatting with mi amor. I'll wait until 2007 to figure out how to work around that. In the meantime, rage on. |
| This is more of a plug than anything, but I thought I'd share this with you. As you saw in the previous entry, I made a hell of a lot of noise when it came to the Orange Brawl, a.k.a. the fight between FIU and UM. Well, between that and starting a MySpace blog charting my feelings on the situation, I've been feeling. I'll go ahead and post the link to the forum where I deposited my first rant.
I encourage you to rant there not only to get shit off your chest, but hey you could win GPs, too! Now why don't I keep these rants in my journal? Because my journal doesn't reach a wide enough audience. I admit I've become a bit too arcane and educated for a lot of people, so if I want to be heard, I have to take my beefs to the streets and be ready to do battle. I'm not a whiner, for when I make it known what ails me emotionally, I get pissed. Still, ranting at various online locales seems to be helping. In any case, it does help keep my road rage down a bit.  |
| At the moment, I have neither the time nor the patience to detail my anger at the moment. I'll provide links and come back to edit this entry when I have some time. I don't care if I go black because of this. I'm pissed. "Invalid Post" http://news.fiu.edu/releases/2006/10-17_disciplinary.htm For the record, I'm still having trouble with this issue because the school newspaper is advocating the dismissed football players keeping their scholarships. That is a fucking injustice, and I want to know who wrote it. I don't give a fuck if I'm backsliding in my quest to quell my anger. You can't quell it when economic injustice is involved. |
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