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before it gets too out of hand. |
  For me, anger has been an issue since the earliest days of my adolescence. Managing it has never been a top priority, though. As a result, I have paid dearly for the consequences of my most potent emotion. By the time I reached the age of 18, however, I decided to get it under control. This attempt resulted in failure, though, and my anger has continued to flourish to an extent. Turth is, though, this can't go on any longer, as my anger has become internally self-destructive, resulting in crippling internal stress that has robbed me of my energy and is pushing me back into the depths of depression. If I don't get a grip, I may likely be dead before I turn thirty, either by suicide or cardiopulmonary disease. When I look at my anger, though, I can't imagine myself without it. It has been my muse on several occassions, and on some days, it's been my main reason to get out of bed. I have been enjoying feeding off the euphoria of anger-provoked revenge for the past few years, and it's about as addictive as cocaine. How do I break free from this vicious circular thinking and make things right in my life for once? That's what I hope to find out through my scribblings here. This particular blog won't be updated daily or perhaps even weekly. It will be updated when I feel the need to discuss how this journey is progressing or regressing. All I ask is you keep an open mind with this journal. One thing I can admit right off the bat is preaching to me sets me off something fierce. If you try to preach to me in any way, I will not make any progress. I appreciate support, but remember that I'm the one who must make the choice to accept your advice. This is up to me and only me. I'm the one who must break the cycle. |
| On the other side of the coin is arrogance, when people claim superiority in some way. Like ignorance, arrogance is a bit of a plague. But what exactly is arrogance? It's a tone, certain words, a way one carries him/herself. My blood burns my veins when I see a manifestation of it, be it online or off. Lately, arrogance has been a rare but fiendishly aggressive trigger. Anger caused by arrogance is also the most difficult to suppress. When I deal with this anger, I frequently feel the adrenaline raging through my arm muscles, raring to fight...or at least vandalize something. As I said before, this is a rare trigger, but it tends to flare up when I'm around certain people on a regular basis. This includes classmates, co-workers and yes, some active site members. Even before I reached this point in my life (a fully legal adult by turning 21 in May 2005 and becoming a moderator in October of that year), I worked suppress my arrogance-triggered anger, and I have not always been successful. My anger once prompted me to call the cops to break up an argument between two women at the photo department where I worked at the time. It was overkill, and I knew I had pissed off one of the ladies for life. I didn't care then, and I still don't care. Considering she did take judo lessons, I felt justified in defusing the argument before it lead to violence, especially when one of the ladies relied on an electric scooter for mobility. Maybe I did do the right thing, but sometimes I wonder about that. Sure, you may say that was a constructive way to express my anger, and perhaps it may be to an extent. However, it was inordinate, and that's how most of my expressions of anger tend to turn out. (From Merriam-Webster Online) in·or·di·nate Pronunciation: i-'nor-d&n-&t, -'nord-n&t Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English inordinat, from Latin inordinatus, from in- + ordinatus, past participle of ordinare to arrange -- more at ORDAIN 1 archaic : DISORDERLY, UNREGULATED 2 : exceeding reasonable limits : IMMODERATE synonym see EXCESSIVE Granted, inordinate expressions of anger doesn't only apply to the arrogance trigger. However, this type of anger is most likely to result in an inordinate and possibly unjustifiable reaction, even if I'm not overtly reprimanded for it. Other triggers can result in the occassional semi-justifiable reaction, but arrogance does not lend itself to that. Instead, I usually make an ass of myself while inflicting (or attempting to inflict) my wrath on the unfortunate soul who triggered me. Helpless sap.  The big thing about the arrogance trigger is my fear of becoming arrogant like those who make me angry. In this case, I fear being a hypocrite and, subsequentally, self-inflicted anger, which as we learned creates a lot of physical stresses for me. Have I exhibited arrogance in my lifetime? Let's face it. Who hasn't? We're all guilty of being arrogant at some point in our lives, and I should be thankful I don't remember specific incidents. I have a hell of a time living these past transgressions are as it is. If I remembered details, I'd lose my sanity for sure. So when I get angry at arrogant behavior, I also feel guilty of being a hypocrite. So how I do I get out of this sticky conundrum? On that note, if you'd like any details about instances of my anger at any onsite triggers (ignorance, arrogance and future discussed triggers), leave a comment so I can discuss them with you privately. This journal is meant to explore how my anger works, not rag on the activities of site people. However, if you for masochistic reasons want to give me a place to vent (or perhaps want to see a better look at how my anger works), then drop me a line. I'm not expecting a big response here, but I can work something out for those of you who may be interested. |
| In order to understand my anger, my entries will have one of these headings: trigger, effect, factor, progress or obstacle. I may add other headings later if I feel I have missed a category. So for today I'm going to discuss something that triggers anger: ignorance. For me, any and all forms of ignorance can set me off. Anything from someone not reading simple instructions to a politician deliberately decieving his/her constituents is fair game in triggering my anger. As you can imagine, this makes my life miserable, especially since I deal with ignorance voluntarily as a moderator. The instances of online ignorance involving my mod duties, however, will be kept in strict confidence. I already had one dream about getting demoted. Anyway, so what happens when I'm faced with ignorant behaviors? There's no set pattern when it comes to me coping, but my reactions vary from simple annoyance to flailing outrage. The latter is rare and saved for when someone I expect to know something completely drops the ball. The annoyance, though, is much more common, and its buildup leads to simmering anger for me. With ignorance, though, the anger almost never escapes my system. It usually festers in my mind and body, resulting in headaches, sleeplessness, daytime fatigue and stomach pain. Many events can lead to ignorance-triggered anger. Recent events include President Bush (and I will be devoting an entry to him later on), those who sit around and ask for help without searching first, people who demand things without understanding the feasibility of a task and self-ignorance. Out of all of these, self-ignorance is the worst of the culprits. If I don't know something and have to dig for it, I will beat myself up for days and weeks at a time, especially if my own ignorance has caused me great public humiliation. This type of ignorance is also one that is never physically expressed. When I'm pissed at myself for a past transgression when I was caught without knowing the answer, I never let anyone see how upset I am. In a lot of cases, not even my family or mi amor will see the anger I inflict on myself. This anger is also some of the most difficult anger I have to face. No wonder anger weighs so heavily on my self-identity. So what can I do about ignorance? What an awfully loaded question! Aside from self-ignorance, this trigger is largely out of my control. I can't determine what another person knows and their actions in light of their knowledge (or lackthereof). With online ignorance, I can exercise care in choosing what I read and therefore answer. With politicians and politics and general, I suppose I can devote more time to researching issues than absorbing opinion-based sound bytes. For demanding people, I'm not so sure. I suppose I could always send them a link to Viv's piece on begging, but I think I'll need to walk away from these people until my stress levels come down enough so I can handle these people. I don't think I'm read to face them yet. I don't think my resolve is that strong, and I need to hold onto my resolve in spite of its rather vulnerable state. Otherwise, I'll never make it. |
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