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This a blog about my life and how I see it. |
| This is for you to get a sense of what's in my journal, and how my life is. It may not be so interesting, but I do ask a lot of question concerning life. Also the average teenage questions. |
| I just got back from Indonesia, I feel terrible. I got back wednesday morning, at like 1 o'clock, and I didnt sleep till 2 in the morning, and then I woke up at about 6 to get ready to school. I missed two weeks of school, and its horrible. I have been crying ever since I got back, because I am way over stress. I just want to quit everything! I want to go back home to Indonesia and stay with my grandma. I keep telling myself that everytthing is going to be okay, and that school will be fine, that I will catch up. But there is just so much to be done, and all the quizes and test and lessons that I have to make up....stresses me out even more! Ever time I tell myself that things will be okay, the next minute I start crying, and loose hope! I am so tired, because I couldnt sleep at all last night. Good thing I dont have school today, because its snowing, but I only went to school one day this week, because on thursday I had an awful headache and I threw up twice. Hopefully by Monday I will feel better, because I cant afford to miss any more school days. |
| I am sorry I haven't been updating my blog everyday, but life has been very hectic. Just this weekend, we got a call saying that my uncle that has been gone for 9 years is finally home, but not well at all. He was in the hospital, pretty much on his death bed, because of some horrible disease that he got. My mom and I were just crying out in joy, because when we heard that he is finally home, it just made us so happy. But just the thought of him dying really didn't cross our minds, because we thought that he would be fine and be cured. But life doesn't work that way, and God can't always make everybody happy. Just yesterday Sunday, we got another call, saying that they just turned off the breathing machine that he was on. My mom cried so hard, it made me really scared! I haven't stop crying and neither has she. It has been really hard, because neither of us can accept the fact that he is actually gone, again, but this time forever. My uncle that that I haven't seen in nine years, and I finally get to see him again, but in a coffin. My mom comes from a pretty big family of 8 brothers and sisters, including herself. My uncle that just passed away was the YOUNGEST out of the 8, is was only in is late 20s or maybe even younger. He didn't deserve to dye like that, not knowing how much we do love, and that we never wanted him to leave in the first place. When they found him he was in acoma. It's so hard to believe that he is actually gone. How I wished, to meet up with him again, and to hug him, and to hear his voice, but that will never ever happen again. Not until another life time. I'm quite mad at the Lord for taking him so soon, but I guess that was the best thing for him, because of how much pain he was in. It's just to much. Life can be really harsh sometimes, for once I thought that things were finally looking up, and our family was finally going to be together again, but then it smacks you right the face with reality. Reality.....if only it didn't exist. |
| Yesterday I had a horrible arguement with my mom. I ended up crying uncontrollably. She kept telling me, that I didn't care about the family, or about her, and that I didn't love her at all. That really hurt me a lot. She told me that I only care about my friends. Which is not true, because everytime my friends ask me to go out and do something with them, I tell them that I can't because I have to work and spend time with my mom. Somehow she doesn't see that! I never go out with my friends anymore, everything that I do is usually for school. I don't go out and just have fun. She telling me that I don't care about, truley hurt me, because If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't get up 3 o'clock on Sunday morning and accompany her at work, I would've ran away years ago, or I would've killed myself when I was sucidal. She blames me, because she works 24/7!!! She is the one that puts herself to that, and doesn't take anydays off. It's not my fault. She tells me to put my education first, and I am, but she yells at me and tells me that I don't care about her!!! Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore! Sometimes I just want to give up and end everything! I'm not sucidal anymore, but when my mom and I have those argurements, and blames her life on me for the way that it is, those thoughs skip through my mind. Yesterday it was just so bad, I had to talk to someone. I wish I could've taken it out on paper, but my diary got read by my stepdad, and he tried to use it to get me into trouble. Now, I feel as if I can't trust it anymore, and that the only thing that I really had to relieve myself is taken away from me, even though it isn't. But I called 4 of my friends, 3 didn't answer, and my best friend Armando answered. I just started crying all over again when he picked up the phone. He clamed me down, so that I can tell him what happened, and how feel. He is the best! A very smart person! I just love him to death. I never have came to him like this, because I didn't really want to come to him when I'm like this. But this time I really had no choice and I really had to just talk to someone. He talked to me, and gave me phenomanol advice, and told me that if anything ever happened to me, he would be cry, and wouldn't accept the idea that I'm gone. He really just made me feel a lot better, and made me laugh! He understood what I was going throught, and didn't shoot me down, he just listened to me, and helped me. I'm so glad that I am blessed with good friends. |
| What has happen to our world? Everytime I watch the news channel, there is always a murder, sucide, or beating. Sometimes, I begin to think that IF I don't watch the news channel or listen to the radio, or read the newspaper all of those things will not happen. Crazy, I know. But when I look at the world today, I feel that it is so corrupted, and that no matter what we try to do, nothing will change. What would've of happened if Adam and Eve didn't eat that apple, and just obeyed God? Would the world be perfect, or would it still be the same? About a two weeks ago, I heard on the radio, this boy beat up his own grandmother, because she wouldn't give him a hundred dollars to buy some beer. It was just awful. Then I saw on the news, that this women put her two childern, and one of her child's friends in the trunk of her car. They caught it on camera too. What is with people killing and torturing there own childern? What good does it bring? Pleasure? NOOOO!!!! I do not understand people, especially when they don't have the slightest hint of feeling in them!!! How can they live like that? To be so cruel!!! If I had the power to really change the world, then I WOULD! But only one person has the power, and that is God. I really wonder what is going through his mind when he see's his world falling into pieces? I doubt that he has given up to try to save us, but I do believe that no matter what he tries, there will alway be those people that he can never change. There is a God, and there will always be a God. If you are atheist, and you are reading this, start thinking.... What has happened in your life? Start thinking about a time when you wanted to give up? You might be thinking, that you never had a time in your life that you wanted to just give in, but I'm pretty sure that you have. Start thinking about all the people around the world. Start thinking about you family. Even if you do not think that you have a wonderful family. Not everyone is perfect. Start thinking about the people that you love. Start thinking about the people that love you. You might think, that there aren't any that love you, and that you love....but there is at least ONE PERSON that LOVES YOU!!! THERE IS ALWAYS AT LEAST ONE PERSON!!! ONE PERSON THAT ALWAYS GIVES YOU THE STRENGTH TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY!!!!! |
| I am a very independent person. I am raised up that way. When I see kids at school, especially the girls, that always have to have someone with them or something, it really annoys me! They all seem to live in some kind of fantasy world. They seem not to know what the real world is like. Also when the girls put in so much time trying to fit in, and trying to stay in the crowd. That clique, I just don't understand it! The wanting to be popular, and forgetting who your real friends are! I used to want to be in the "popular crowd" and I always tired to get that certain group of girls to like me, but since I entered High School, things changed, and now I look at cliques, and I think that they are retard. What is the use in being in a certain group! To me that is just not fun! Also thinking that you are the best and the prettiest! I learned that, that doesn't not matter in the future, whether you were a prep, jock, nerd, or goth. I really wish that some people can get that through there heads! I love being different, and embrassing myself, its just me. I can always laugh at myself, no matter what. It's just more memories to be able to tell my kids, and my grandchildren. You can't exactly tell stories, when it pretty much revolves around being perfect! IT'S SOOOO BORING! I like to put myself outside of the crowd, and to me standing alone does not matter. Being different is great! |
| I am known at school as the asian with a really cool style. But I go to a school that isn't to open with changes especially with clothing styles. Some of you might not agree in wearing animals, but it is just the same as eating a hamburger! So, this one day I went to school with this rabbit fur scarf! I loved it, because it was my first scarf that I have every had! People instantly called it disgusting! I didn't say a word though, because I'm me, and NO is going to change that! Next thing you know, the people that said that was disgusting and thought it was horrible, were actually wearing coats with rabbit fur on them! I was pretty annoyed, but I didn't let it get to me! I seem to be a trend setter at my school. I started to wear leopard print jackets, and they next thing you know, EVERYBODY is wearing them!!!! But I do have to confess that they really DO NOT know how to wear it. I am not trying to be concieted or anything, it's just, it doesn't look good on them at all! I do not copy anybody, I only am inspired by others. It does really annoy me when people do not think things over thoroughly! Also, I would carry my lunches in shopping bags, like victoria sectret, or some really cool paper shopping bag that you get at malls and stuff. And yes, EVERYBODY is now starting to do that! Even the people that aren't really fond of me! I am planning the winter formal, and this year we are bringing something different. My best friend instantly hated the theme, and said that she is not going to come. Which of course made me really frustrated and dissappointed in her! My best friend this year, has not be very supporting, and I feel like I can't come to her anymore! I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore! She is not listening to herself, but listening to others!!! It really ANNOYS the HELL out of ME!!! I just want to slap her! For English Class we could get into groups and pick a topic to do for our final, which we only had to do a speech about the topic we chose. She then said that she wanted to do this Important Romantic Theme topic, because her friend told her to do it, and that you can to lots of stuff with it! YES, WHAT A LACK OF ORIGINALITY!!!!! She didn't really ask what my thoughts were on that either. Once she told the teacher that we are doing that, she HAD NO IDEA what to DO!!!! Which annoyed the HELL OUT OF ME EVEN MORE! I really wanted to just punch her right there! Today my other friend told me that she talked to her and got her to go to the winter formal and be glad with the theme. Now every time she talks to me, she is SOOO EXCITED about winter formal and that she really likes the theme!!! She won't listen to me, but she will listen to someone else, and WE have KNOWN each other for 6-7 years!!!!!!!! But Luckily I have another friend, who is very supportive and always has a good attitude about everything, and I ABSOLUTLY love her, and she even has the same name as me! She might not be asian, she is white, she is the coolest person ever! |
| Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up, but there is something that just tells me to keep going. About two years back, I became suicidle. It was a very bad time. I finally came to a decision, that I would kill myself. I took some pills. Then right when I took them, my whole life flashed right before me. Then I started to think. I went to my mom, bawling! I told her everything, and she wasn't very happy she expected better of me. We had an argurment, a really really BAD argument. Then after that I went to the bathroom to throw back up the pills. I don't know if they came back up or not, but I started to get really tired and I went to bed. I prayed right before I fell asleep. I asked God to forgive me and to let me see other day. He answered my prayer. So I got up and I started getting dress, because it was school time. My mom she was a lot better about it in the morning, because she thought about it at night. She didn't yell at me, she apologized for making me feel that way, and I apologized to her. Then ever since that day, I have gotten stronger. The thought of killing myself when something bad happens, doesn't come to mind anymore. I have actually pretty glad that it happened to me, and that I was able to get through it. I learned that there is so much to life, and how beautiful life can be! Now, every time I have a friend that has those thoughts, I become some what of a motivational speaker. I let them open there minds, and it makes me feel really good that I had some sort of effect on them. |
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