Over at Tabb's=3 poems unpub.(c) 2002, 2003, 2004 (+"Bertie" +"Station")
OVER AT TABB'S|
Copyright © Lisa Page Weil,
unpublished works, "Through Sky" © 2002,
"Talli" ©2003, "Lieder" ©2004,
All rights reserved.
Friend, the breeze, lifting
Touch from the air,
Holding the constant sky,
Guided by uneven earth,
Winds a blue corridor
Through branching trees.
It's that Talli was out of the country
After the years we met. He'd disappear
And reappear. It's amazing that we kept
Resuming our past after all of those off
And on separations. It's also amazing
That we remembered all of the old times
Once we weren't children, we had a long
Break before we saw each other, when we
Were involved with new and other things.
That's what I knew before my teens.
I know we talked about plays and writing,
The way that we and our other friends
Did, but we didn't have as much time
Together. Talli's quieter, until he gets
Older. He was more communicative as
A kid, and then less, and when he was in
His teens, he had opinions about things
And a life of his own.
Poor Talli--we commiserate with each other
As inseperable companions: and our adult
Lives, and career roles; it's too moralistic.
I think we both were isolated and found
Each other. I think I decided Talli was
Separate, and that I wasn't willing to
Consider or reconsider that part of my
It's not from who you are; it's from
Looking at the ceiling to know where you
Are, and then thinking, or watching the
Person who has the most input, an example;
And having to trade your part in it and
Decide what it would amount to, either as
A person having to participate, to
Someone else, or as one who has the same
Parameters instead of the ones you have
Otherwise. Not that you don't carry him
Yourself; it's that you never realize it
After you leave, or take it back when you
He couldn't imagine becoming somebody
Else, as an idealist going somewhere
In life. We didn't think about the here
And away side of life, because it's
Easier to be two people together than
One alone. We're together first, I guess;
We've mostly been together about
What about him? You're more compatible?
Yeah, we didn't have a crisis of
Incompatibility and compromise. He was
All prepared for me to leave him and to
Leave the world as we knew it, when he was
Around twenty. He thought everyone would
Be better; and he'd be different. We had
The same relationship we'd always had.
He'd see me in my room, and I'd go around
With him to see things. We spent a lot of
Time with each other. We thought we'd be
Someone out there one day, and overnight,
He was staying up late to survive it all.
He was happy when everyone was separate
And far away for awhile. We didn't talk
About getting married then.
I hardly ever ran into him around campus,
But I sometimes would see him. I had a
Year left, when I got back, and I was
Worried about my long-term relationship
Ending, and all of the security that I
Would lose then. After my teens,
I thought I'd rather have that than
Return to its opposite. Mostly, I thought
About what I'd be doing over the next few
Years, and about what my life would
About artistic respect as well? We both
Were in the same field. Aspiring artists
Are always planning what they're going
To do in five years and are also involved
With their direction at the time. He
Listens to you. You listen to him. You
Even work together. You and he spend
Your evenings talking about practice,
And your days philosophizing about meaning.
After seventy-six, and after the summer on
The beach, after all of those letters back
To no one, no one who would answer them,
Anyway; I had to think about what kind of
A place it would be without him; whether
There'd always be a person missing. We'll
Look back on the old upholstery with the
Crocheted new blue covers with tasseled
Fringe on the bottoms and wonder who's in
His chair, watching the curtains and the
It should be like that. Sitting around
At home talking about potential and finding
Your expectations realized with the hopes
And dreams of what it takes. It's the day
To day, year by year side to the exchange.
We've spent hours working together, hours
And years. He's always thinking about
What he's working on: if it's purely a
Technical exercise, or if he's destroying
His time, on the inside.
I was going to be a singer before then.
It takes years to get to the other end,
So you can develop from there. We spend
Time together on music. He contributes
Where he is, and he could lose that,
Instead. After the orchestral pieces.
See he real--,
He's not only a metaphor for time.
He was always able to step in and change
Circumstance as it came up; which isn't
Within the still life subjects as they're
We are closer in age. You'd have to say,
That originally I had no career and he
Was just starting. Then I started out
And lived with his career.
How would I characterize him? Focused,
Convivial, single-minded, purposeful,
Nervously-driven, personable; younger
Was more insecure than older. He
Doesn't have that many deep and lasting
Visionary? He had his own clear ideas
Going in: he was going in a new
Direction and going to introduce
Stylistic combinations that hadn't been
He was going to run with his virtuosity.
He had an idea of where he'd be when he
Was in his twenties. I don't know if he
Had lapses and leaps into the visionary
In conceptual direction, because he is
Driven, nervous, pressured, an ideologue.
Including ideas from lives elucidated for
He's influenced any, but he's got decades
Left. You'd be influenced to keep turning
Them out year after year. Mostly,
We get together over the years and
Review and synopsize and go off again.
He's an original artist; new style and
Message, new techniques. He and I have
The same channels as we did or would.
We both were taught.
As a matter of in passing, though, he
Thought he'd be new and different. His
Experience is with what he does, over
When we get home, we'll go over to Tabe's.
You don't ever go over in time.
What about his philosophical love of
Nature and the outdoors? The wintery
Mountain terrain and wooded streams that
I never saw. When I went to see who was
Going to take lessons, there was my name.
I knew that I couldn't have hoped for more,
And I signed up for music theory and voice.
Tabe's coming back.
He almost missed it.
A year's work. Maybe we'll buy it
In new music; it's densely charged.
Southern Tabe and northern Tabe.
Tabe and two years each?
We bought the letterhead for him.
He went out.
He'll be back later.
They took the song and ran with it;
Every sixteen-year old drove it during
After I became a singer one day,
Which was when I was sixteen, we spent
More time with each other again.
I think he got used to the idea,
That that's where I'd be. I was five
When I decided.
After I was going to be a singer;
I sang with the radio after school.
I don't think my friends thought anything
Of it. By then, he didn't think about it.
When he lived next to me, I don't know
Whether he could hear all the noise from
My side facing the road; I think he was
Far away from it. I went over with my
Lyric sheets looking for someone. Maybe
I was looking for someone because I had
A recital in May.
Before I started, I'd had my recital in
Voice, three Lieder, and after the next
Year, I learned the aria and the English
Art song. I had two languages to learn
To finish my requirements. I was happy to be
A Lieder singer.
I was sitting in my armchair listening to
The radio in the afternoons and evenings;
The next thing I remember, I was away
In high school and college; when I came
Back, I remembered that radio programming
Hadn't taken me for as much. Looking back
On those five years, I couldn't think of
The insistence of the endless sets of changes
Of direction and outlook.
When I worked as a florist, I had a table
And refrigerators of cut flowers behind me
And bouquets in front of me.
When people came in for displays or
Arrangements, I took their contracts.
We have red and canary cover pages and
White forms for the studio.
Thinking people are thinking along first
People. With liking and compatibility,
You don't think someone else could become
Your person one day.
He didn't reconsider you and him;
He reconsidered him. Everyone's sincere
Before and after, and you came up with
By then, you socialize with the writers
And talkers, and Tabe doesn't say anything.
He's in the background.
Summer listening. He had to get his
Writing together for hours there.
Summer radio. In his mind, he's in a
Book. You were there. He's at his own
Table with other people. You might not
Have gone in your own direction without
Your involvement with him. You spent
Time with him that gave you confidence
What would my advice be? To have a clear
Picture of where you intend to end up.
To bring something to the form. To
Preserve your outlook separately from
Your ideology, when it comes to what
Ideas you have that someone else may or
May not have.
I've come to understand that, it's not
Where I ended up; it's a tribute to
Meeting people's expectations first.
Sometime, between voice and instrumental
Music, during a winter after debating the
Meaning of a song instead of a literary
Work, on a cold and drafty day with the
White sun shining into a room, at the end
Of the nineties, I sang poolside under a
Palm frond roofed hut for all of the
Beach guests, which didn't seem to make
Them look up, although I'd done an
Entire beach set New Year's Day.
We weren't neighbors during those years,
We became neighbors less than a decade
After the song. Nine years after then,
And we were neighbors for another fourteen
Or fifteen years. It's omitted mostly,
That unlike his friends, I didn't take
Troubles to heart and take them home
I can't decide what he thought.
He was introspective about where the time
About the song? That it was his song.
It's always been his song, so he must
Have been thinking about why he didn't
Want to sing it anymore. I think he
Changed the story, because we both
Were on it. What about the other singer?
He could perform it and sing it alone.
When he couldn't find that side to him,
He wrote about half of it.
So they thought it was because of me?
I don't know if he thought about it.
Maybe he ever thought of it. He had a
Good performance also. I don't think it
Was about me. The song had two singers
Going out, once he was off with his
Friends. What you don't know about him,
Is that he would have loved to sing the
Original on his own.
Yeah, he would have liked to sing it on
His own, some. At the time, I couldn't
Even sing it in the car. The next
Summer, I sang with the car radio instead.
He didn't, as a younger person than now,
Know what he thought, exactly; his outlook
On it changed. Our friends didn't know,
That, outlook or no outlook, we already
Had a different relationship; one not
Related to the dilemma of who sings and
What's best for the song: How would it
Sound, what would it say, how would
Maybe he was thinking of those things,
But, do you know why? Because all the
Music changed after the bicentennial;
Everyone said: it's too much the same
Music. Which they had conflicts about,
But they went with the times. His parts
Were changing, and his relationship was
Changing as a result of that. He might
Have partly blamed me for that. If his
Songs changed, what was he going to do
With his time? And he didn't know what
He thought of the music; It's not what
He thought he'd be doing when he got
Together with his friends.
Maybe he felt alienated from me, the song,
And his motivations in music. His friends
Didn't empathize with him and weren't
Involved with him, or with what he was
Going to do in the near future, or with
What he thought of music and what the
People he was close to thought about
Music. When everyone was departing, the
Same inertia was rolling in every way
Within a short time.
What if he had no connection to the new
Material and to what he was doing, both?
Song feelings reinforced that. We had
Reservations about dividing the song out
To begin with. Who was on it? He was
Nice, by keeping me on, too, sometimes.
As a singer, I don't know what I had to
Do with creating that. Over the years,
For one thing; everyone hears their own
Version, and for another, I had a separate
Relationship with him. That's exactly
What he said to me.
He has the story; he'd already gone back
After practice, and you were still out.
He was sitting down, and you were finishing
The second voiceover for his song. As it
Got later, you and he got quieter.
You had said, that, as a singer, you
Started to accept his version after
Driving up a highway ramp in your car and
Having the song on and discussing what the
Performance should be and what a great song
It was. Even after a year of being on it,
After driving with him, and thinking that
It turned out better in the end after
Both of us; I can't figure out why he
Wasn't happy to have it all back to
Himself, and why he wasn't going to
Travel with it and come back to tell me
How it went. He was more determined and
Expressive, and he gradually lost that.
As he said, the song is two related
Performances and sets of statements,
At that point, as the same statement,
Without it being diverse in the verses.
In its implications: everyone wanted
To hear it.
I liked the original. I didn't
Understand it. How I hear it is,
That it's like fiction, in one respect:
It's the conviction of the form. If the
Song seems like a form of autobiographical
Expression, which is like writing, then
People will accept it right away.
When it fails as fiction, is it
Implied expression? All of the phrases
Change, if it's in phrases.
I think that he came to terms with where
It was leaving him; and he decided that
Was it. He's been adamant about his
Part in it at the time. He was thinking
About me, too. Then he had afterwards.
Whoever changed his career, and I
Thought he had; I'd thought he would
Earlier. He made sure to include me.
He knew that I was on the song; and he
Had to wait for the right town, time,
And place to leave. It was everybody
And him. It made him feel better.
And then, no one said anything to me
About it the next year. Everyone had
Become so unaware of him, after that
Year earlier, when he'd been so nice
And was there.
We were discussing the unattainable
Sunset and how it was pursued, yesterday.
If you offer someone a better life one
Day, and the person departs from their
Worse one for it; then what do they
Depart from? What is a part of the
Agreement? Your life could improve.
Every year with him, could get better
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