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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I have been putting off writing this entry because it will be my last one in this blog, which makes me really, really sad. Although I could potentially have 1450 entries, I have decided to stop at 725 just in case I ever decide to return to an upgraded membership. It is not clear to me what will happen to my blog if I use the space available with a premium membership and then downgrade my membership level, so I'm not taking any chances! I started this blog at the end of March 2009 because I wanted to give blogging a go and thought I might find it useful to have somewhere to express myself more openly than I can anywhere else. Now, nearly five years later, I can't believe how much it has come to mean to me. I have shared many, many lows in this blog as I have battled constant mental health problems and I don't know how I would have coped without this space to vent and express my most painful feelings. On the flip side, I have also shared the high points of the last five years, such as when I completed my degree (which I honestly didn't think would happen!) and actually graduated! Another highlight was when I passed my driving test on the first attempt. I've loved being able to share these wonderful experiences with others. I can't believe how hard it is to say goodbye to A Haunted Place and I actually feel really emotional about it. I have set up my second blog and I hope my faithful readers (all two of you!  ) and less faithful readers (yet no less important) will join me there. I think it will be weird for me at first, but hopefully my new blog will soon feel as comfortable and familiar as this one. I'll link it here. Though it isn't public yet, it soon will be. I'm not sure about the name—might be changing it!Anyway, see you there!
Goodbye, "Invalid Item" . I will miss haunting you.  Why is this so hard?! It's absurd! |
| I'm back! It was crazy to go! With all the stormy weather we've been having, the travel services were in chaos. Usually I have to make one change of train at Birmingham to get to Cardiff but yesterday I had to change three times, which was pretty exhausting. And they kept giving us different information -- so at one point we were being told to change at Gloucester for a bus service then five minutes later we were told to change at Cheltenham to get a train to Bristol! It was all pretty confusing but I finally made it to Cardiff. It's a shame it took so long. I travelled early so we could spend as much time together as possible but of course things were not in our favour. We made the most of the time we had though and I resisted the urge to nap when we got to the hotel even though I was completely worn out! So we just opened our presents and chilled out to music until dinner. Mark got me a really cute mug that has an adorable bear on it and text that says "Hug in a Mug!" I love it! And it's great because I have a lot of hot chocolate and now I have my own special mug to have it in. He also got me a book of love poetry and a plastic and fabric rose, which I love! A fake rose is better than a real one for several reasons: 1. I'm not allergic to it! Real cut flowers make my nose itch like crazy. 2. It will last forever. 3. No flowers were harmed in the making of it! So yay! I got Mark a book about Leonardo Da Vinci. That perhaps doesn't seem romantic but it is because Mark and I went to a Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition for his birthday a couple of years ago. So I consider it romantic to get something that symbolises time we spent together. I also got him some heart-shaped Bailey's chocolates because Mark loves Bailey's! I think they were a big hit! We decided to have dinner at the hotel restaurant, even though it was ridiculously overpriced. I got anxious at this point, unfortunately, because eating out is a bit of an ordeal for me at the moment. I find it stressful not knowing how many calories I'm eating and restaurant portions tend to be quite big too. But I tried not to worry too much and Mark tried to reassure me. I had a posh veggie burger and chips with coleslaw and relish. I say "posh" because of the way it was presented! I was too anxious to have dessert but had a few mouthfuls of Mark's apple crumble. I have been trying to eat more normally recently, and this is without any professional support, but I'm really struggling and normal eating feels like an obscene amount of food to me right now so I often end up feeling panicky about it afterwards. Then I'll tend to restrict the next day. I know the recovery process isn't going to be easy and that I'll have bad days but I suppose it's a good thing that I am trying. Hopefully it will get easier when I finally get some professional support because I really don't think I can do it by myself. After dinner we went to the cinema to see "Her" and we both loved it! It's so quirky and emotional and clever. Some parts were a little too philosophical for me and made my head hurt, but on the whole I thought it was wonderful. And I loved Joaquin Phoenix's performance. I really think he's one of the greatest actors working today. I've loved him in everything I've ever seen him in. As we walked back to the hotel we saw a very drunk young woman walking very strangely and slowly all by herself. I can't describe how weird she looked and we were a bit concerned so we slowed our walk to watch her progress and make sure she was okay. I was wary about going up to her because I am nervous of drunk people and I was worried she might be aggressive if we spoke to her. But a gust of wind blew her hat off and Mark ran to get it for her, giving us an opportunity to speak to her. She was friendly and said she was fine when we asked so we left her to it. I still felt worried, what with her being so drunk and by herself, but what could we do? I don't know if we should have done more. Hopefully she got home safely.  Back at the hotel I had a bit of a meltdown.  I just think my tiredness and the anxiety of the travel disruptions, dinner and the drunk girl just all caught up with me and overwhelmed me. Plus, I'm in such a bad place mentally at the moment that I'm finding it harder to cope with stuff than normal. I started getting ridiculously anxious about travelling home, especially as my phone battery was really low and I hadn't brought my charger. So I cried a lot! I'm such an idiot! Thanks, Mark, for being so patient with me!By the time I calmed down I was totally exhausted and had to sleep. The hotel bed was soooooo comfortable and when our alarm went off this morning, I really didn't want to get up! We had a lovely continental breakfast in the hotel restaurant and then it was time to go to the station. It was hard to say goodbye. Travel was completely disrupted again and I got home about two hours later than I should have, but at least I got home! So it was all complete madness but I think the time spent freezing my arse off at random stations and the meltdown was worth it to see Mark and spend some time with him. And the hotel was lovely and the film was completely awesome. So I'm glad I went. I had a three hour nap when I got home! The whole experience just absolutely exhausted me. I still feel tired now! It's going to take me a while to recover, I think. But I think it's good to be a little spontaneous and crazy sometimes! |
Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  and I thought we wouldn't get to spend Valentine's Day together this year because normally he'll visit me for my birthday and stay until after February 14th but he couldn't do that this time as he had an appointment on the 7th that he couldn't miss. I can't stay at Mark's (for reasons I won't bother going into!) and he couldn't really come back just for Valentine's Day because it's a long way to travel and very expensive.However... my mum has surprised us by saying she'll pay for a hotel for us in Cardiff (where Mark lives) for the 14th and she'll pay for my travel to get there!   So I am going to Cardiff tomorrow and I will get to spend Valentine's Day (and night) with my lovely boyfriend. I have the best mum in the world!I'm not sure exactly what we'll be doing but we might see if there is something on at the cinema or theatre. We'll also be eating out somewhere. I've got a beautiful, lacy purple dress that I'm going to wear. I've had it for a while but haven't worn it yet as it needed shortening. So I paid to have that done professionally yesterday. My mum can sew and often adjusts my clothes for me (I need stuff to be altered a lot because I'm so short!) but I wanted it machine-sewed and done by a professional because it's such a nice dress. It looks great and I can't wait to wear it! It's a long way to travel for such a brief visit but it will be totally worth it. Can't wait to get a hug from my man!   |
| Saturday was one of the worst days of my life and since then there has been hardly any let-up. And hardly anyone will talk with me. I don't know why. Even my therapist talked AT me today. I've been seeking support on a forum I'm a member of for people with autism spectrum disorders (I have Asperger Syndrome, I don't just randomly gatecrash their forum! That would be weird!) But I must be desperate to go there in a crisis! People on the spectrum tend to be well-meaning but not especially good at offering emotional support and comfort (this is a generalisation but I am allowed to make it because I am a person on the spectrum who is not good at offering emotional support! ). For example, I wrote about how my eating disorder is ruining my life and detailed why. Someone responded with something along the lines of, "my friend died because of complications caused by anorexia". That was it! I ask for help and support, they give me that! A couple of people who have had eating disorders themselves have been quite helpful though. Today one of my biggest fears was realised. I have not fully absorbed it yet. I cannot cope with it. I got a poem out of it though! I hate myself for writing this poem. I hate being like this. I kind of like the poem though:
By the way, if anyone wants to talk to me, I'd be really grateful, even if it's just to say "hi". Feel so lonely recently. If someone could just sit beside me (in the virtual sense) for a while, I would appreciate it. No need to stay long -- my elbows won't be able to breathe if you do! (Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! will get that!  I'm always asking him to move up on the sofa because "my elbows can't breathe!") I won't even talk about my eating disorder, though it's dominating my life these days. Promise.Wish I had friends (in my offline life, I mean. I feel lucky to have online friends. I appreciate the people who have been here for me more than I could ever say). Perhaps I'm not iron after all! This is a weird entry. I apologise. |
| I've gone back and forth on whether to make last night's blog entry private or not, and did leave it private all night. But now it's public again. This is because I have realised I have nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I struggle with mental illness. Yes, sometimes I get dragged down to some dark and scary places. I don't have to feel ashamed of that. So it's public again even though I doubt anyone will read it! But if anyone does and it helps someone going through something similar to not feel alone, then that's a good thing. And if it gives someone who has never suffered from a mental illness some insight into what it is like to have one, then that is a good thing too. This is what my blog is for and if I can't be myself in my blog then I might as well just delete it. I don't want to do that so the entry is public. I am feeling a little better today and that is partly because I wasn't ten stone heavier when I woke up, which I half convinced myself was going to happen in my panic last night. My stomach still hurts a bit but I don't feel sick anymore, thankfully. I've had heart palpitations on and off all day, but I haven't dropped dead yet so doubt I'm going to! I have eaten again. I'm restricting but at least I'm eating. It feels scary to eat anything after losing control last night but... I'm pretty brave.  I took Jade on a short walk and then went to the gym with my sister. We always start with a 5 minute warm-up on the cross-trainer and it told me I'd burned a little over 40 calories. I liked thinking that I had just burned off the margarine I ate earlier with my scone! I am continuing to work at a higher weight on several of the machines but have lowered my weight on the chest press. This is because I find this machine hurts my chest and seeing as I'm getting a lot of palpitations at the moment, I should probably go a little easy with it. This evening I plan on trying to relax as much as possible. I think I'll be taking my last sleeping tablet tonight because I really need to just have a good, uneventful night. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and really, really hope I'll be able to talk because damn do I need to talk! I am also considering trying to see my GP to say I need specialist help with my eating disorder NOW and not in a few weeks or months time when they finally get my referral sorted. But I don't know -- I'll see how it goes. Breakdowns are not fun but I got through it and am just trying to recover from it now. I am not giving up yet! |
| To anyone reading this, be warned, it's not going to be pretty because I am in a very bad place mentally at the moment. But I need to get this out and I am grateful I have my blog to corral my breakdown in. So Saturdays are usually high calorie days for me because I get together with my family and we have fast food and watch television. This has become a tradition and is not something I can avoid without raising their suspicions. But I don’t even want to avoid it because I love our Saturday get-togethers. Usually I’ll have just over 600 calories of fast food and then I’ll try to restrict more for the rest of the day but usually end up having somewhere between 1200 and 1500 calories (on average I’d say I keep it at about 1300). Today I had a minor breakthrough because I thought I would try not counting calories at all and eat every time I felt hungry. This is a big, big deal to even think, let alone try. And for most of the day I did pretty well. I had a few panicky moments but I managed to not freak out entirely. I even contemplated weight gain in a positive way and thought it might be good to gain a bit of weight so my face doesn’t look so gaunt because I know I really look quite ill and haggard at the moment. But it all went horribly, horribly wrong this evening because my normal eating (rather than restricted eating) turned into a huge binge-fest. Because I haven’t kept track of my calories, I don’t know how much I have eaten but I would estimate that it’s over 2000. What I ate and how much I ate is really quite disgusting (I'm talking things like spoonfuls of nutella ) and now I feel horribly, horribly ashamed. I’m also suffering physically. My stomach is so bloated I can hardly breathe and it is incredibly painful. I’ve never been so bloated in my life and I feel extremely sick. I also have bad heart palpitations. I don’t know if that’s anxiety or because my body is suddenly dealing with a huge amount of food that it’s not accustomed to. It’s probably both. I’m getting indigestion too, which I always get with a panic attack (and I am, of course, having a panic attack right now), but I’m sure it will be more severe than normal due to the amount I have eaten. I can’t do anything. I can’t get a job. I can’t sort my life out. I can't get better. I can’t even starve myself. The one thing that was making me feel in control just got way, way out of control. I really want to die right now. Maybe I should go the other way—maybe I should eat myself to death, rather than starve myself to death. I reckon I’ll be good at that.                              Don’t ever get an eating disorder. Seriously. It is pure hell. If you ever start to develop disordered eating seek help immediately or you may become like me. |
| Yesterday evening I went on a tour of my local recycling factory with several members of the conservation group I volunteer for. I wasn't really expecting much from it but wanted to do something different, so agreed to go when I was invited. Anyway, it completely blew me away! It was absolutely fascinating. First we got shown into a room where there were lots of beautiful objects made out of recycled materials, such as a model hippo made out of aluminium cans. Then we listened to a presentation on recycling and the woman giving it must have magical powers because I managed to pretty much pay attention the whole time she was talking (I often really struggle to concentrate when people talk for long periods of time). Then we watched a short video which showed how the factory works and then there was a short presentation on a new waste management facility that is being built. After that we got to go into the actual factory, walking along a raised viewing gallery. Although it was night, some of the machines were still in operation and it was really cool to see how they work. The smell was pretty horrendous though! Also, there were loads of rats in the area where all the waste initially gets dumped, which was freaky. Two of the women from our group were pretty grossed out! I'm weird though -- I kind of like rats, even wild ones. Most people are inclined to say "urgh" when they see one, but they really don't bother me much. Though of course I wouldn't want any in my home or garden! It was shocking to see so many though and I was relieved we were several feet above them! But I'm really glad I went -- it was a fun and interesting evening and I learned a lot. I already recycle, of course, but now I'm going to make even more of an effort. Today I have been very active. I took Jade for a walk and not long after that I went to the gym with my sister. The guy who did our induction was there and I felt kind of self-conscious for some reason! He was pleased to see we're still coming though! I pushed myself pretty hard today and even upped some of my weights because they were beginning to get a bit too easy. On the leg press, for example, I did two lots of twelve reps at 20lbs (my usual) and then twelve reps at 30lbs. It was a killer! Then I went pretty crazy on the rowing machine, pushing myself to maintain a high strokes per minute rate and I even upped my speed and gradient on the treadmill. I felt exhausted by the time we finished! But it's good I'm already starting to get fitter and stronger. I'm hoping I'll start getting toned soon and hope that will help with my body image issues. This evening I cleaned my room, giving it the full works -- polish, vacuuming etc. So it has been a pretty physical day and I'm really feeling it now. Despite that I've eaten just under 1000 calories today. I know that's bad, especially considering how active I have been. One of the ladies from the conservation group who I saw last night noticed I've lost weight (I hadn't seen her in a while as she comes irregularly). It made me feel scared, to be honest, because I cannot see the weight loss myself. I so badly need help with this illness -- I wish they would hurry up with my referral. I'm so torn because although I am terrified about the effect under-eating is having on my body, I am also terrified of weight gain. And that fear of weight gain is overwhelming my other fears right now, which means I'm still restricting. And yes, part of me still wants to lose weight. It's really not good.I think getting the traineeship will be a massive incentive for recovering. I'll need to eat more to be able to do such a physical and intensive job. I need that job more than anything. I get so emotional whenever I think about it. Can't wait until the recruitment process is over and I know the outcome. This wait is horrendous. And I know that's why my eating is so bad right now -- things feel out of control so I'm attempting to regain a feeling of control through controlling my weight and eating. I have developed some very messed up coping mechanisms! Gonna shut up now because I'm rambling. My brain just won't switch off! |
| Hmmm... it feels kind of weird to be blogging without a prompt! Mark has just visited but went home this morning. Yesterday I went to a taster day at the place I'm applying to do a traineeship at, but more of that in a minute! The day before, Mark and I drove there to find it and look around. I can get very anxious about going to new places so I will often go and scope it out beforehand if I can! Anyway, the gardens are absolutely stunning. They're huge and filled with dramatic bridges and temples. We kind of whizzed round because it was cold and I was exhausted but I saw enough to know that I really, really want to work there. Take a look at just one of many spectacular views:   So... the taster day... it was informative! But it didn't really go according to their plan. Unfortunately the strong winds prevented us from being able to carry out an orienteering activity in the grounds. This turned out to be a good thing as they told us later that a tree had been blown down! So we did some indoor activities instead which were kind of tedious, to be honest. But I learned more about how the traineeship will work, which was very useful. Apparently they have three different "study levels" depending on your abilities etc, which is good. There are several compulsory units and then some optional ones, so you can tailor the programme to suit your interests and needs etc. They are only taking on one person at this particular heritage site, which is a scary thought, but everyone who applies is guaranteed a first interview, which I think is amazing. Then people who have a successful first interview will be invited to a second, more formal one. Then they'll make their decision. Damn, I feel so anxious about it all! I also found out that around 75% of people who have completed a traineeship go on to gain employment in the industry. They also consider keeping people on once they've trained them up if the person has impressed them and a position is available. If they think the traineeship isn't right for a particular person, they may consider them for other roles, but that could be at any of their sites. There was one person who managed to really piss me off! Apparently she's doing a master's degree in Heritage Gardens (or something related to that) and said she realises this traineeship isn't aimed at her (it's for disadvantaged people) but she still wants to apply because she sees it as a way to get "a foot in the door". She kept saying stuff like, "I feel bad that I might take it away from someone else.." and I thought, you should feel bad, bitch! I mean, how dare she? This opportunity isn't for people like her. I wish I'd had the courage to call her out on it. I would have been able to a few years ago but I'm not so confident now. I doubt she'll get it though. Hopefully they'll realise very quickly that she doesn't need it and is not going to benefit from this opportunity as much as other people might... me for example! I don't understand ruthless people. Anyway, I'm more convinced than ever that this traineeship is perfect for me and will change my life. There is so much support available through mentors and a "buddy" system. They don't just help you gain practical skills, but also try and help with personal development, such as gaining confidence and interpersonal skills etc. They will do a "needs audit" for the successful candidate to see if they need to make any reasonable adjustments so the person can do the job etc. It's incredible. I need this so, so badly. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. But I'll just take it one step at a time. Now the taster day is out of the way, I'll focus on my application and making it as good as I possibly can. I know I'm guaranteed an interview, which takes the pressure off a bit, but I still want to write the application form of my life so they can get a real sense of just how much this opportunity means to me and just how it will help me to turn my life around. Argh! |
| Day 31 prompt: Without knowing how much time you have left, would you be willing to reduce your lifespan by 10 years if it meant a significantly better quality (however you define it) to the remaining time you had? No hesitation from me on this one -- I would absolutely reduce my life by 10 years if it meant my quality of life would improve. I don't mean to sound self-pitying and ungrateful and whiny but I really have very little quality of life at the moment thanks to mental illness. So yeah, I'd much rather have quality over quantity. But don't get me wrong, there are good things in my life and I am grateful for the things I do have. I'm lucky to have Mark and my family. I adore my dog. My writing is going well. I have wonderful friends on WDC. I appreciate and value everything I have, ... but my life is hard. Every day is a struggle because of my poor mental health. There really isn't much more I can say so I'll keep this short and sweet, I think. I can't believe this is the last prompt of the challenge! This has been such a fun experience, though sometimes I have been forced to blog outside of my comfort zone. That's a good thing! I have really enjoyed doing this but now I am pretty blogged out! |
| Day 30 prompt: With all the conflicting "let it go" vs. "stick with it" advice out there, how do you personally decide when to keep holding onto something and when to finally let it go? This is very abstract. I'm supposed to be able to answer this?! Obviously it depends on the situation... I'm a very "stick with it" kind of person and pride myself on not being a quitter. As an example, I really hated my course in my first year at University and just generally hated University life. Honestly, I was so unhappy and I don't think there was a single module or experience I enjoyed. But I was determined to stick with it and see it through. I just felt I was bound to be feeling overwhelmed having moved away from home, meeting lots of new people and everything being so different etc. Plus I was still dealing with my brother's death. So I thought it would be stupid to quit something so early and that I really needed to give myself more time to adjust. By my second year I was a little happier at University, but not necessarily with my course, though there were at least a few modules I enjoyed (sort of). I realised in this year that I'd made a big mistake with my course but having come this far, it really didn't seem like a good time to quit. By my last year, having made it that far, there was no way on the planet I was giving up! I set myself the goal of achieving a 2:1 degree and leaving without it was not an option, despite the fact I still really didn't like my course and that I was badly struggling with my depression. So yeah, that's the kind of person I am. I'm tenacious and determined. I'm extremely stubborn. I'm good at sticking at stuff even if I'm not enjoying it. I do it all the time -- I'm doing it right now with my voluntary roles. I just think sometimes you have to stick at the less pleasant stuff in life. That's just the way things are. I could let these things go but then I wouldn't have a good degree and I wouldn't have up-to-date references and experiences for when I'm applying for jobs etc. As another example, I also apply the "stick with it" rule to books I am reading but not enjoying. I know there are lots of people who would think "let it go" as there so many amazing books out there -- what's the point in continuing to read one you don't like? I understand that but just don't feel able to let it go in this situation thanks to "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller. I remember reading this book and absolutely hating the first half. But I kept going and at around the half way point I suddenly started loving it. Now I consider this one of my favourite books and have read it many times (enjoying all of it, not just the second half). So with any other books I read but am struggling with, I just think, what if it gets better? What if this is another Catch-22? What if I'm just not enjoying it because I'm in the wrong frame of mind? I can't really think of any situations where I can just let things go. I'm not that kind of person! This prompt was easier than I thought once I got going with it!  It's my birthday today!  I'm 27. I feel sooooo old! I've had such a nice day though feel like I almost died of hypothermia at the conservation group. I got so, so cold. I don't ever remember feeling that cold. Ever. It was horrible. My fingers got so cold it was painful and I could barely move them. I ended up going early but before that everyone was nice to me, wishing me a happy birthday etc, so I'm glad I went!When I got home I opened my gifts from Mark. He's got me David Ford's latest album (yay!), "Anne Frank Remembered" by Miep Gies (which I have read before but want to read again and didn't have my own copy of), "Anne Frank's Tales from the Secret Annex" (which is a collection of her short stories etc), a CD boxset of "driving music" (fun!) and a big bar of dark chocolate (yum!) Then I took a nap (I was exhausted!) When I got up we went to a vegetarian cafe that I'd looked up online. Unfortunately we were too late for a proper meal, but their "light snacks" menu was still up. I had a scone with jam and clotted cream. It was amazing! It was a really lovely place so we will definitely be going back. It's run by a charity that give jobs to people with learning disabilities etc. When we got home we walked Jade and then my mum got home and my sister and her boyfriend came over so I had more gifts to open! I've got so much chocolate (feeling a little anxious about that ) but I also got lots of vouchers and money, so can't wait to go to shopping!Overall it has been a great day. |
| Day 29 prompt: Which is a more powerful emotion: love or fear? Why do you think so? Initially I was going to say they are as powerful as each other, because both can cause people to do crazy and extreme things, but after thinking about it for a while, I actually think fear is more powerful. This is because when I was thinking of examples of extreme things people do for love, I came to realise that they were also motivated by fear. So as an example, a mother killing someone who is trying to harm her child does it for love, but also fear -- the fear of losing her child. Or somebody who goes to extreme lengths to keep the person they love does so out of fear of losing that person. I think that fear is one of the most basic and primal emotions. We need it for survival because if we didn't feel fear, we would put ourselves in dangerous, life-threatening situations. And I would argue that most non-human animals experience fear too, but not necessarily love. This makes me think fear is more powerful because it is more necessary to survival than love is. On the other hand, I know it could be argued that love is important for survival too, especially in humans. As children are dependant on their parents for a long time, it makes sense that the parents feel love towards their child so they are more willing to put the time and effort into raising him or her. But... that love isn't completely necessary. I'm sure there are situations where someone feels no love for their child but continues to raise them (probably through fear of the consequences of not doing their duty as a parent!) It could also be argued that love is necessary in humans because it brings people together to reproduce, ensuring the continuation of the species. But again, this can be countered because I believe the very primal drive to ensure your genes carry on into future generations (and the fear that this won't happen) would enable the human race to continue even if we didn't experience love. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well here but all I am trying to say is that I think fear is crucial to survival, whereas I believe love is not, so to me "fear" is the more powerful emotion, because we need it. I know my reasonings are a bit simplistic but I don't have the time (or inclination) to write a full essay on this subject, complete with sources to back up my view! But having said all this, I do like the idea that "love conquers all". I just don't believe it. |
| Day 28 prompt: You're scheduled to have dinner with the five people you admire most in the world. Who are those five people (real, currently-living people only) and why would you want them there? Where would you make a dining reservation? Would you try and cook? Oooh, choices, choices! There are plenty of people I really admire (much more than five) but who would I want to hang out with? While I think about it, I'll answer the last part of the prompt. There is no way in the world I would cook! I hate cooking. I can't really cook beyond heating things up in the oven. Honestly, Mark and I once attempted to make bean burgers from scratch and they tasted vile.  No, I wouldn't inflict that on people I like and admire! I don't know where we would dine out though. I'm not a huge foodie and I don't especially like eating out. And I don't tend to dine out at the type of places that it would be fitting to take people I respect to. So we'd probably just go to Nando's as I like the food there and it's cheap and cheerful! Or perhaps I should look into taking them to a posher place? I would really love to go to a proper vegetarian restaurant some time. I've never actually been to one before though I have been a vegetarian for almost twenty years now! So yeah, maybe I'd find a cool vegetarian restaurant to go to.But who's coming and why? Okay, these are my choices:  JK Rowling - this is because she is one of my favourite writers, possibly my very favourite. I am a crazy Harry Potter fan and would love to meet the person who created the Harry Potter world. I could talk on this subject for hours. I would love to be able to tell her just how much the series means to me and how they got me through some really difficult times when I was a teenager. I have so much respect for JK Rowling and not just as a writer, but as a person too. I think she seems like such an awesome person who totally deserves her success. She does a lot for charity and always seems to be so kind and respectful to her fans. I think it would be a great experience meeting her and getting to know her.  Kazuo Ishiguro - this is because he is also one of my favourite writers, possibly my very favourite () and I don't really know a whole lot about him, so would love to learn more about his life and personality. I would probably have to give him a telling off though for breaking my heart with his book "The Remains of the Day". I would love to discuss writing with this man because he is an absolute master at it. Seriously, if you haven't already, read "The Remains of the Day". It's one of the most powerful, subtle and devastating books I have ever read. Carol Ann Duffy - sticking to the writing theme, and as a poet, I just have to invite one of my favourite poets and the current Poet Laureate in the UK. It would be beyond awesome to talk about poetry with Carol Ann Duffy and I would love to learn more about where she gets her inspiration from etc. And I wouldn't be able to resist showing her some of my writing and getting her expert opinion! Bill Bailey - things might get a bit heavy with all those writers, so I'd want somebody funny around to lighten the mood a bit. Bill Bailey is my favourite comedian. He's hysterical and also an extremely talented musician. I'd get him to bring his guitar to play us a few of his comedy songs! Michael Stipe - I'd have to get Michael to come because I'm totally in love with him! I might be a bit starstruck and fan-girlish around him though! I'd try not to be. I respect him so much as an artist but I also think he seems like such a great person too and I would definitely want to have dinner with him! It was kind of between him and Bono but I think Bono would be a bit much and I don't think he would get on with Bill Bailey (seeing as Bill makes fun of U2 in one of his sketches!)So that's that! This was fun! I think it would be a pretty daunting experience though! Actually, scratch all of the above (even after I spent ages writing it!) I've just realised there are five other people I truly admire who I'd much rather have dinner with, the reason being that they are my friends and have touched my life in some way. They are all members of WDC but I'm not going to name them individually. I think dining out with these people would be a much more valuable and satisfying experience. But it was still fun to think about meeting some of the famous people I admire! The RDA was quite good today. I didn't have to tack up Murphy, as someone else was doing it when I arrived, but I did lead him in the lesson. The child riding him was the same one who rode Buster last week but he was like a totally different child today! He has autism, I believe, and last week he was pretty much in his own world and nobody could draw him out of it. This week he was much more engaged. He seemed to take a real shine to me and would not stop watching me, giving a shy smile whenever I caught him staring! And he was really responsive to me, which gave me a confidence boost, so I felt able to talk to him a bit. I'm not usually good at that. I'm trying to summon up the energy to finish my Pond Poetry reviews. I'm finding reviewing so difficult at the moment. I also need to tidy up a bit as Mark is coming today. So I'd better stop blogging and start getting on with stuff! |
| Day 27 prompt: Which is worse: accidentally killing another human being, or fully intending to kill another human being and failing (i.e. by screwing it up, not by having a change of heart)? Why? My initial reaction to this prompt was ultra British -- I actually said the word "blimey!" But I immediately went on to think that it would be far worse to fully intend to kill another person and fail than it would be to kill someone accidentally, just because wanting to kill someone is obviously very, very bad. But, with the second option in this question, the person gets to live, whereas with the first, the person dies. So now I don't know! Because obviously a live person is a good outcome of a horrible situation. I'm confused! Maybe it is actually worse to accidentally kill someone because then two lives are ruined. My OCD causes me to have a major fear of harming another person every time I drive my car and I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I accidentally killed someone. Thankfully this fear isn't as bad now I've had my license for over three years and feel more confident when I'm driving, but I never want it to totally go away because it makes me an extremely cautious and safe driver. Now my OCD is making me worried that I have somehow jinxed myself by writing about this... Damn OCD -- it can be so exhausting!But then I guess there is potential for two ruined lives in the other option too -- hopefully the would-be killer would get jailed for a long time, but that's a waste of a life isn't it? And getting attacked could also completely destroy a person's life too. What's with this prompt?! It's like some kind of mind illusion. THERE IS NO CORRECT ANSWER! I'm going round in circles. I took an online skin analysis test earlier (was very, very bored) and my results were... interesting. I'm sure it's not especially accurate but I had to upload a photo of my face and then upload a close-up photo of an area of my face. Anyway, they analysed three areas and I got 5/5 for skin tone -- apparently my skin tone is even. And I also got 5/5 for pores, which shocked me because my pores look awful! But I got 1/5 for skin texture and they showed this horrible shaded picture of my face, which showed up all the uneven areas. Honestly, that thing is going to haunt me for the rest of my life! I don't know why I got such a low result for that -- I don't think my skin texture is so bad. Perhaps it's because I have freckles? Anyway, it has made me super paranoid that everyone always looks at me and thinks, urgh, look at her ridiculously irregular skin texture! And it has made me think that I really should start taking better care of my skin because I'm not getting any younger (did I mention I'll be 27 on Thursday? I know that's quite young but still, 30 is looming ever closer, which freaks me out!) Also, I spend a lot of time outdoors and will be spending even more time outside if I get the job I want, and I know that can have a major impact on skin.So... I went out to look at some skin products. Honestly, the skincare market is an absolute minefield. There seems to be a product for every conceivable skin problem, need, defect etc. I wouldn't know where to start! Do I need to plump? Hydrate? Smooth? Cover? Protect? Do I need something for dry skin? Oily skin? Combination skin? Do I need to reduce shine? Increase shine?! Tighten pores? Minimise pores? ARGH! But I ended up spending a small fortune on the products recommended to me on the website after my skin analysis (and yes, I'm fully aware I probably just got ripped off big time!) But my thinking is I'll use these products diligently for a month (or few) then take that test again. If my results are the same I will probably make a complaint to the company! I got five different things. I got a "correcting serum" (not too sure what it corrects), a "day moisturiser", an "under eye cream", which I hope will help with the serious dark circles under my eyes, a "BB cream" (whatever that is, but it does have a sun protection factor of 25 so should be good for when I'm outside) and a "magic blur" cream, which should hide all my imperfections (yes, I'm vain!) I suddenly have a very complicated skincare regime! |
| Day 26 prompt: Do you believe in intelligent extraterrestrial life? Make your case, either for or against it. This is another topic, like yesterday's, that I feel out of my depth blogging about.  But here goes!It's hard to answer this because what is meant by "intelligent life" -- intelligence is subjective, isn't it? I tend to think most life forms, if not all, are intelligent in their own way. I mean, plants can make nutrients from sunlight (photosynthesis) -- that's pretty smart, not to mention cool. I can't do that. And bacteria reproduce through binary fission, which is also pretty cool and something else I can't do! I absolutely believe in extraterrestrial life and I believe it is likely to be intelligent, though other people may not agree on my view of "intelligence" (see paragraph above  ). I hold this view because the universe is so vast and we know so little about it that I feel it is improbable that life only exists on our planet. I think there is evidence of planets and other bodies that could potentially support life so this kind of suggests that somewhere out there other life exists. But do I believe there is human-like life elsewhere in the universe? Well, I'm not sure about that.But honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just used some scientific terms in an ill-fated attempt to make myself sound knowledgeable! I'm an animal biologist, not an astrobiologist and this isn't a subject I have read up on much. It's interesting but I'm going to stop making a fool of myself. And now, time to celebrate because... last night...   I slept!   *does little dance* Yep, I went to bed around 1am and fell asleep almost straight away and stayed asleep until my alarm went off at 10.15am. Even my dog didn't wake me early, like she normally does on Sundays. I couldn't believe it. I woke up in shock! I hope this wasn't a one-off and that my insomnia has gone. Fingers crossed! My sister and I went to the gym on Tuesday and Friday -- I enjoyed myself both times! We should be going again today but she hasn't contacted me and I hope she doesn't! I feel like I'm getting a cold and I feel kind of crappy -- I'm headachey, dizzy and breathing is a bit of a chore so I really don't feel like working out. I've turned into such a wimp -- nothing used to stop me from going to karate. I once went with an ear infection that was impacting on my balance! Crazy!But I'm getting old... I'll be 27 on Thursday. These days I just want to stay tucked up in the warm, with a mug of hot chocolate, while I spend way too much time on the computer. |
| Day 25 prompt: At what point does a for-profit company have an obligation to the social good? If your job as a CEO is to maximize profit, at what point could you justify cutting those profits to accomplish something else like lessening environmental impact, keeping jobs local, etc.? I'm struggling to take in this prompt because whenever I hear or read anything to do with "business" I just get, blah, blah, blah. It's as if this subject triggers an off switch in my brain. But I have come too far in this blogging challenge to give up or fail now, so I'm going to try... maybe breaking this down will help. I'll start with the first part: At what point does a for-profit company have an obligation to the social good? As far as I'm concerned for-profit companies should always have an obligation to the social good (as all companies and people should, for that matter). There is no set point where they should suddenly develop an obligation -- it should always be there. So this obligation should be factored into the budget or the business plan or whatever (have no idea what I'm talking about) and it shouldn't be an option to cut costs in this area. I bet this rarely happens in reality because, let's face it, how many businesses are ethical? Very few, I should imagine. Okay, so on to the second part: If your job as a CEO is to maximize profit, at what point could you justify cutting those profits to accomplish something else like lessening environmental impact, keeping jobs local, etc.? This is a little bit too "abstract" or "theoretical" for my Aspie brain to cope with. I'm never going to be a CEO and I don't really understand this subject so I don't know how to answer this. I couldn't work in this area and not just because I have very little understanding of it, but because I am not motivated by money and couldn't have a job where I didn't feel I was helping people or doing some good in some way, if that makes sense. I don't know if I'm being really insulting to people in this line of work and if I am, I'm sorry. I'm not intending to be rude. But yeah, I'd make a terrible CEO... I think I'm done on this subject. At least I tried! |
| Day 24 prompt: Are you an older sibling? Younger? Middle? Only child? How do you think your birth order has affected who you are today? If you could change it, would you rather have been born in a different order, as an only child, etc.? This is an interesting prompt. I'm a middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister (also an older half-brother who died in 2005, but I didn't grow up with him and there was a big age gap between us). In many ways I guess I fit the stereotype of "problematic middle child" but I've never really cared about my birth order or really considered the impact it has had on me. My aunt, who is also a middle child, has a major problem with it and thinks she got a raw deal. I can see why some people might have this attitude and feel that the first-born gets to do and achieve everything first and the youngest gets babied etc. I suppose it would be easy to feel as if you were getting overlooked if you were a middle child. But I personally have never felt this way. I think because I was quite a timid and "delicate" child, both my parents were protective of me and I got a lot of attention that way, so never felt overlooked or anything like that. I also had the added benefit of being close to both my siblings as a child because the age gap between me and my brother and me and my sister is the same (two years both ways). So I felt I could connect with both but they hated each other growing up and constantly fought because the age gap is bigger between them. I guess they had no common ground! But I could happily play "wrestling" or "monsters" with my brother and then go off and play dolls or something with my sister, but they never really played much with each other and just seemed to wind each other up. I think the only time my birth position affected me as a child was when I felt pressure in school to match my older brother's grades. But I'm just as smart as him (if not more!  ) so this wasn't ever really a big problem! As an adult I've noticed that I feel pressure to be better than my sister at stuff but I don't know if I feel like this because I'm older than her or because I'm a perfectionist. It's probably a mixture of both.I actually think being the middle child is a good place to be and I don't think I would prefer to have been born in a different order. I don't think I would prefer to be an only child either because I had a pretty good childhood growing up with my siblings and now as an adult I am very close to my sister. I do wish I had a better older brother. Mine is, unfortunately, a bit of an idiot and I'm not close to him anymore, like I was when we were children. That makes me sad. |
| Day 23 prompt: Do you believe in divorce? Do you think the present-day prevalence of divorce has made it easier for adults and/or children to deal with when it does happen? Of course I believe in divorce -- we have very solid proof that it does, in actual fact, exist, and divorce deniers are just deluding themselves. Sorry, had to get that out of my system! In all seriousness, I absolutely believe in divorce because it is extremely important that those in abusive relationships can get out of them. I haven't really blogged about this much before but I don't mind bringing it up to illustrate my point: my own parents are divorced because my dad developed a drinking problem and would become extremely aggressive when he'd been drinking. Thankfully he never hit any of us but he would shout and swear, throw things around and smash things up. Once he repeatedly punched a door until he smashed a hole through it. Those experiences were terrifying. Should my mum have had to put up with this? Should my siblings and I have had to suffer through this? I don't think anyone would answer those questions with "yes". I hope not anyway. My mum tried to save the marriage. They went to relationship counselling but my dad just wouldn't admit he had a problem and refused to change. So their marriage ended when I was about 16 or 17 and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief when my dad left. However, I also believe in divorce when it comes to other reasons too because I understand that people make mistakes, that relationships break down, that marriages can't always work no matter how hard the couple tries, and I don't think that these people should have to remain locked in a miserable, loveless relationship. But this doesn't mean I take the idea of marriage lightly and I definitely don't approve of those people who rush into getting married and then want out two minutes later. These people are making a mockery of marriage and divorce and making it harder for those people who need a divorce for their own safety. Even so, I still think they should be able to get divorced if they have tried their best to make the relationship work and it just... won't because, like I said, I understand people make mistakes. I'm not religious in any way and I don't believe marriage is sacred (and while on this subject I don't believe it's something only a man and woman can and should have -- I fully support the right for gay people to be able to marry). I just think it's a contract between two people that can be terminated if any of the clauses are broken or if it isn't working out. Romantic, huh?! But I do value marriage and believe that those getting married should do their utmost to uphold the vows they make and view them seriously. And to answer the second part of the question, I do think the present-day prevalence has made it easier for families to deal with divorce to a certain extent because there isn't as much stigma attached to it now. But I don't think a divorce is ever going to be easy for people to deal with. So these are my opinions on this subject and something I've thought long and hard about. I won't be changing them. Guess what arrived in the post today? A form for me to provide feedback on the mental health service! You know what, I can't wait to fill this in and I'm not going to hold back. I understand that mental health services are ridiculously underfunded and understaffed and stretched to breaking point but none of those things excuse the way I have been treated and I'm going to make sure everyone knows that.I didn't go to the conservation group this morning. By the time my alarm went off I'd only had about 2 hours of sleep so I was exhausted and my throat was so sore and I just really couldn't face going. I feel bad about it but I don't think pushing myself to do it when I'm this stressed, anxious and tired would have done me any good. I wouldn't exactly have been productive if I had forced myself to go.And in happier news, I have a new poem! My latest for the campfire. This is what I call one of my "great idea, poor execution" poems because the writing just doesn't do the idea justice. But oh well, I tried my best! And I do love the idea! I'm starting to like the poem too the more I read it:
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Day 22 prompt: If someone were to donate a million dollars in your name to a charity of your choice, which charity would it be and why? (No, you don't count as a charity... think philanthropically!  )I would donate the money to Mind which is a mental health charity. Mind's aim is to provide advice and support to people with mental health issues and they also campaign to improve services and raise awareness etc. As someone who has suffered with mental health problems for years and received extremely shoddy "support" from services, I think know this is an area that needs more understanding. So yeah, I'd want to donate to Mind and would hope that they'd use the money to improve support for people like me, who constantly slip through the net, or get overlooked because they can't express just how much they are suffering, or get passed from service to service because nobody knows what to do with them. We need to get a better understanding of mental illness and we need to get a better understanding of how to help people who struggle with mental illness. It baffles and depresses me that the government continue to cut funding to the services and charities that are trying to do this. Sorry this is so short but there isn't much else I can say beyond mental health services in the UK are failing and it is vital we learn why and put it right. People's lives depend on it. Edit: Actually, I want to add to this entry because there is another charity I'd love to be able to help out in this way and that's the Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA). I volunteer for them so have seen first-hand what they do and how they positively impact on people's lives. The RDA organise horse-related activities, such as riding and carriage driving etc, for disabled people of any age and ability. I help out my local group on a Tuesday when they give riding lessons to children with mild learning disabilities who come along from their school. I've seen children, who are very nervous and have no confidence at all, blossom within a matter of weeks. I've seen a child with autism, who was extremely withdrawn, come out of her shell (even if it was only for a moment!) And I've seen children, who can hardly focus in their school lessons, ride independently and follow instructions from the riding teacher. It is an amazing charity and though they're not saving lives or anything like that, they are making a difference to disadvantaged people and helping to give them a sense of achievement, purpose and acceptance. I know I moan a lot in my blog about my work there (and that pesky pony, Murphy!) but I do truly feel privileged to be a part of it and think they do a lot of good in a small way. Damn, I wish I was rich! But returning to the subject of mental health... mine is still in poor shape and deteriorating rapidly thanks to Monday. My therapy session didn't go so well because I couldn't talk much. And I just found out that as well as my GP being off sick, my back-up doctor is on leave. I suddenly feel like all my support has been withdrawn. I see my therapist every two weeks but that suddenly doesn't feel enough. I'm feeling pretty panicky.I got a text message from my GP surgery asking me to call. I had this same message earlier in the week when I was actually in the surgery! I asked about it at reception and was told to make an appointment with the doctor to discuss my ECG results. That was weird because the doctor was shown my ECG results immediately after I'd had it and then the healthcare assistant sent me home. I think this second message must have been prompted by my blood test results. It's probably the sub-clinical hypothyroidism showing up again as I didn't start the medication for it. But it could be something else seeing as I haven't been eating properly. I won't be able to see the doctor until February 3rd at the earliest. I guess if it was urgent they'd want me to come in sooner. Got constant chest pains and palpitations at the moment. It's probably anxiety but I have a little voice in the back of my head saying perhaps it's something more serious. But then there's another part of me questioning, do I really care anymore? And I think the answer to that is no. |
| Day 21 prompt: What's your favorite Olympic event? Do you like the Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics better? Why? I apologise in advance if there are any errors in this entry -- I am very, very tired! Another sports prompt? Okay, I'll go with that! It is kind of fitting for my day seeing as I have been ridiculously active -- I literally haven't stopped until now! I don't really have a favourite Olympic event but enjoy several of them. I always like to catch the gymnastics because I'm fascinated by this sport and am in awe of some of the things those gymnasts can do! Same goes for diving though I swear my blood pressure goes up whenever I watch this! I enjoy the swimming and I also love a lot of the track and field events, though none of the throwing ones. I have been particularly interested in the long jump since 2008 because that's when Greg Rutherford had his Olympic debut. I went to school with him so am kind of interested in his athletic career. He was a pretty nice guy, by the way. Probably still is but I'm not in touch with him anymore. It's a strange experience seeing someone you used to joke around with in maths getting a gold medal at the Olympics! I prefer the summer Olympics to the winter Olympics. I don't even watch the winter Olympics! I don't know why really -- I guess I'm just not that interested in the winter sports. Skiing seems so boring to me and I don't especially want to watch it. I love figure-skating though so perhaps I should start watching the winter games. I really got in to the Olympics in 2012, more than I ever have before, because my country was hosting it and I kind of got caught up in the craziness. It was a great experience and nice to feel proud of my country. I think we did a great job! I am absolutely worn out today! I've been so busy. At my voluntary job today I got to tack up Buster. We haven't used Buster in ages as he's getting pretty old and is very slow now but Saffy was waiting for a visit from the dentist so we needed a stand-in. It was nice to tack up a good-mannered horse for once. Buster takes the bit straight away and doesn't try to bite me! I led him in the lesson which was hard work because I practically had to drag him round seeing as he was going so slow. I walked Jade when I got home, then I did some work on my job application in preparation for my appointment at the job centre in the afternoon. That went well. I like my advisor and get on well with her. She was pretty disgusted when I told her that the mental health team have discharged me despite me still being so unwell. She offered to ring them on my behalf to ask them to reconsider but I didn't want her to. When I got home I just had time to grab something to eat and then my sister and I headed to the gym. That was really good and I feel like I worked hard. My muscles are aching now! I suppose it's good that I had a busy day because it has stopped me dwelling on yesterday. But I took a sleeping tablet last night so can't take one tonight, which is making me anxious. I'm worried I'm in for a rough night -- I can feel my mood going down, down, down by the minute. Seriously can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow! |
| Day 20 prompt: It's time for a little creative writing! In honor of such a great NFC Championship game between the Seahawks and 49ers earlier, write a poem or a flash fiction story (500 words max) about football... or another sport of your choosing. Football Fun There once was a footballer, Mitch, Who developed a maddening itch. In frustration he clouted The ref, who then shouted, "Red card! Now get off my pitch!" I do apologise! Here's another:The Would-be Skier There once was a lady named Lee Who decided to learn how to ski. But up on the slope She just couldn't cope, So she quit and went home for her tea! Again, I can only apologise! *shakes head* I've had an awful, awful morning. First I had to get a blood test. I've had loads of blood tests but this was easily the worst one! The nurse did get the needle in first time but then the blood was hardly coming out at all. I had one of those tight bands round my upper arm to make the veins show up more and my whole arm started to tingle and felt really weird and I got dizzy. So the nurse made me lay on the bed and tried my other arm but couldn't get the needle in. So she went back to my first arm and couldn't get the needle in there either! She had one last go and then went to get a colleague who said she'd probably collected enough anyway as they only need a little bit for a full blood count. So she stabbed me multiple times for nothing! I've never had that kind of trouble when getting a blood test before. My veins usually behave!Then I had my appointment with my care worker who I haven't seen since November and she informed me that she's closing my case. Just like that. Despite the fact I'm still ill. Despite the fact my mental health has deteriorated. No warning. No preparation. Just, "That's it. You're on your own. Bye. Good luck for the future". Oh, but before that she blamed me for my eating disorder and pretty much said I'm choosing not to get better through not eating. So there you go, A qualified mental health professional believes I'm choosing to be ill with an eating disorder. I feel distraught. But I don't know why. I should be glad I'm no longer under their care. They've made me worse. They're incompetent. I just feel so abandoned and as if they are not taking me seriously. I feel beyond help. She said I can contact the charity Mind but I don't feel able to do that. Thankfully Mark has offered to do it for me but goodness knows what would happen if I didn't have him. But I really don't know if I can do it because I just can't bear the thought of starting all over again. I just can't believe the callousness of it and how she let me leave when I was so distressed and how she hasn't even done anything to ensure that I'm going to be okay and that I can get some help and support elsewhere. I'm in shock. One step forward yesterday, fifty back today. |
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