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A blog about life in my fifties. |
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This blog is both a daily journal and an episodic recollecting of my life from 2000 to the present -- a 10-year period that corresponds to my fifties. This was sort of a turning point decade, in which I went from a 15-year marriage to separation and divorce, and all the usual difficulties that entails. It was a long, dark tunnel from which I am just now beginning to emerge. There are a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences I want to get down "on paper," so to speak, so I can make sense of them. There are all kinds of larger political and societal implications that come out of my individual experiences -- and being the pathologically analytical person that I am, I feel the need to figure out what they are, and articulate them. |
| The Presbyterian Church of Upper Montclair made holiday gift bags for the Human Needs Food Pantry. Here is what was in my bag: A white lined legal pad A box of note cards Assorted greeting cards A box of no. 10 envelopes with security lining Two bottles of CVS brand hand sanitizer A large bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care Aloe light moisturizing lotion A toothbrush A tube of toothpaste 20 "forever" stamps A big metal canister of Cadbury chocolate-covered cookie "sticks" Two small candy canes A little holiday ornament, like for a Christmas tree, but since I don't celebrate Christmas I'm going to give it to my cats for a toy. Getting these items made me feel like I was a valuable person who deserved to get nice things. |
| depressed sad lonely low down blue in pain evolutionarily adapted maladapted too no reason no clue no hint nowhere stiff neck neck pain pain in the neck when when when when when why why why why why how how how how how inside my brain inside my neurons it's my genes it's my family it's my biology it's my fate if I were Christian I would say it's my cross to bear the wish for death the wish for life the wish for stasis heavy dense thick coagulated too much in this life don't worry I won't do it as long as Maggie is on this earth. But I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to be pure energy, light, and joy with no pain no more pain I am sick and tired of being sick and tired I'm not the only one, and fanny lou went through far worse Do I wish for death? Susan told me, I think the wish for death and the wish for life in you are tied together in very complex ways. |
| "I think I'm falling in love with you," I said to him. What I wonder is, how did I know that I was falling in love with him? How did I recognize the feeling? How did I know what falling in love felt like? I had never before felt the sensations I felt when he walked in the room, when I talked to him, when I thought about him. Nothing unusual about that, of course. Everyone who falls in love, falls in love a first time. But mostly at a younger age than I was when I fell in love for the first time -- and in my case, the only time. I was 50. The year was 2001. I was married for 15 years, had two children, lost one, went through separation and divorce. And I felt love for my husband at one time. But I did not fall in love with him, and I never was in love with him. I wouldn't have known that if I had not fallen in love with Paul. Which brings me back to that question, which seems to have no answer. |
| Me and Alanis. She found hers. And no, I'm not looking for mine. Found him, he's gone, maybe next incarnation. Anyway. Maggie is coming home for Thanksgiving next week. We will go to Larry and Lori's for Thanksgiving dinner -- my turn this year. Maggie was there last year with Dave; but it's been two years for me. I can't wait, and I know when we get there, the next eight hours or so will go by like they were eight minutes. I got digital cable finally. I think I can pay for it now. We'll find out, won't we? I am who I am. That's what God told Moses. I think it was Moses. Yeah, at the burning bush. Anyway, I am who I am. Is that okay? Yeah, it is. There are worse people out there than me. I am not ambitious. Except that I am. It's just that I am not ambitious for any of the things I've spent my life believing I was supposed to be ambitious for. More later, maybe. |
| I don't feel like writing in this blog at all. I don't know why. |
| Today, I waited downstairs in the lobby for the UPS guy for about three hours because I didn't want to miss getting my new cell phone. Then I found out, just by chance chatting with another tenant who was coming into the building that I could have Manny program my cell phone number into the intercom buzzer system. I was stunned -- I had assumed that that could only be done with a land line. I just thought it had something to do with electricity, and if a phone was not the traditional kind that plugs into a jack in the wall, it wouldn't work with the buzzer system. All this time since I haven't had a land line anymore, I have been telling people that I don't know when they're pressing my apartment button to be buzzed in because since I don't have a land line anymore my phone is not connected to the intercom. I've been arranging with everyone who comes here to call me on my cell phone when they arrive, and then I walk down three flights of stairs to let them in. And all this time, I could have had my cell number linked to the buzzer system. Well, better late than never. Manny did the programming, and I know it works because he tested it and my cell rang! This is just huge for me -- just huge. This, and the fact that I can now afford a cell phone contract plan again after years of not being able to pay the bills. Anyway, UPS ended up not even coming today. I got an automated message that they will be here tomorrow. And tomorrow I will not have to wake up early and go sit downstairs with a book -- I can stay up here until my phone rings, and then go downstairs to sign for the package. |
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You cannot have WRITER'S BLOCK! That's my job girl! HA! Just pick a word - any word will do - like propitious, and write an entry. 
You can do it! Rah - Rah go go go....and if not well, I suppose we can wait?