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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| A guy tried to hug me in Krav on Tuesday night. He's okay, awkward like engineers tend to be, and it's not the first time. It is the first time I punched him in response instead of letting it happen. I hope he gets the unsubtle hint when I tell him I don't want to be hugged and I kept my fists up. Oddly I think this was something more internal within me than external toward him shifting at that moment. And since then I've been thinking about it, and I've been thinking about the angel card reading I got on Sunday at the yoga festival, and then to a thing that happened Thursday... One at a time: I saw the guy again on Wednesday, and he seemed normal. Didn't try anything, and that's' okay with me. Had a partner who kept talking about how I looked like I was gonna kill somebody, and I did tell him I wasn't angry. But since Tuesday, I just think if he tries to hug me again, I'll just hit him harder. I have that in me, and the power of consent is a huge deal - which is also the reason I now have playing cards as part of my set for yoga stuff: someone wasn't okay with my adjustment of her on Monday, and I feel awful about it. I knew I needed to add that to my yoga classes, and I had talked with a yoga therapist on several occasions about it, but I had not actually taken that step to implement it - until this incident. My angel card reading said to cleanse the aura, which I did when I got home from the festival - and while it wasn't exactly as they outlined, I have felt so much lighter since. I haven't gotten to the part of clear the path (which means getting rid of things that no longer have value to me even if they have material value), but I did add to the pile of clothes to be donated. The last one says Let Go. Somehow I instinctively know what that means even though I thought I've been doing just that for a long time. I've been facing long-lost history since I started Krav Maga. It's like I ripped a bunch of scars open to find that they hadn't really healed, just closed over the gaping wounds and something festered underneath. Which is probably why I hit that guy. And I still believe he deserves it. On to Thursday: we're practicing getting out of headlocks from the back all week. And my partner is a much-older man, probably older enough to be my father, guess 70s? He's bent over and he's not flexible at all. I only learned his name on Thursday, and when he puts me in that headlock, I am stuck. His weight feels to lean against my upper back/shoulders. I can't drop my weight without hurting him (I flung a guy that way on Tuesday, but he caught himself on his hands because he's inflexible but younger enough to manage, likely around my age?) I even went to my knees once, but I couldn't loose that weight from me. He also wasn't choking me, but rather wrapping an arm around my front shoulders - which really wasn't how it was supposed to go. So I brought it down to my knees. Still, he leaned on me. Then he (un)helpfully reminded me I was kicking with the wrong leg.  If you'd done your damn job with the headlock, I wouldn't be struggling with the release. Case in point: during the stress drill, I had to hit a bag and my instructor (since my group was one short) was doing the headlock. And I released just fine from that each time, or I'm certain he would have said something. I talked to my counselor on Friday morning, and she asked, "What did he trigger?" And that question cinched it. It triggered something. But I still don't have a clue what it is that he triggered. Only that I'm not okay in that instance. And now I have to chew over what to tell the instructor - because I think I need to mention this. There's a lot that happens at Krav that maybe shouldn't- that might trigger people - like when a guy will come over and put me in a headlock without me really seeing him come up behind me. The brit did that, and I am fine. It may have triggered many people. but he didn't lean on me at all, and I came back from that without losing my cool. I think my Tuesday shift is helping work toward that letting go, but the Thursday trigger revelation needs a bunch of work. I knew Krav Maga would be a mental strain, but it's interesting how specific this is. Maybe someone else will help me put those pieces together. Last piece from krav this week - one of the guys that I like (we'll call him The Pretty One, because he's 22, has muscles in all the right places, and has a pleasing face plus he treats me like a fellow human and not a lesser woman) expressed that he was uncomfortable because of the girls staring at him when he went to that yoga class, like once? and I told him it was the same for a girl to go to krav. He didn't believe me, but I am going to bring that around to discuss the point. I think it's worth it. I also mentioned to the guys (he is one) who stretch with me after class, that I found it very interesting who chose to join me. They're the young ones (14, 18, 22, and the newest is around 30, the guy who hugged me joined us once only and is 29). The 14 year old piped up that i gave them yoga for free when it was what I did for a job. And i explained, sort of, that i used yoga poses to stretch but yoga was more. And it's hard to quantify to someone who hasn't done it. And the instructor chimed in: that we'd be there another hour to do yoga. (He's done it in the past, so he gets it. Plus he's never given me trouble about why I'm at Krav despite being a yoga teacher and at least supposedly bound by nonviolence. No wonder I like the dude, right?) I also want to ask him if he's tested any other girl for any other belt except the one who is in advanced krav - and there's only one. I think the answer will be interesting. Still reading The Body Keeps the Score, and it is also troubling my head over things I cannot change. But I also can't just leave it alone because I really, really want to understand it. |
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