Things you wanna say to only one person- the one who's never there. |
You realize how truly you miss someone when something happens, good or bad, and the only person you want to tell is the one who is not there. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
That feeling when you're finally realized that you'll be heading home in the next few hours cannot compare to anything in the whole wild world. The whole contract on the ship is worth to experience that feeling. It is considered as the best day of the year. Like your favorite Christmas, or some other holiday that you wait a whole year. And then it pass. Whatever is beautiful it's not everlasting and I know that people told me thousand times how we should enjoy in the moments of happiness even if we wont experience the same all over again. When you check out the last morning on the ship you have to wake up early first to clean your cabin cuz someone else will live there now when you're gone, someone will use your bed and your shower, someone will turn on your TV to see the weather outside, nothing is yours anymore there, you have to return whatever belongs to company, uniform, books, you have to return dirty linen and then you have to call housekeeping manager who will check you out. Or, to kick you out. You get a signature and you're free to go to immigration. I slept in Edward's cabin last night cuz we stuck in the crew bar. I cried a lot last night. It has always been hard for me to leave people behind myself. Not like really leave them but we wont see each other anymore in this life. It's just impossible. I know that with time he will fade away from my memory, everyone at some point does but right now he is still with me. And he will be with me for the next few months, maybe some years..I don't know. I've got panic attack last night and I hardly breathe. All things happened at once..all pieces of puzzle fell into one,,, I'm nothing after all, no one cares whatever I do in my life. If I tell you in details what happened with me in the past few years you wouldn't believe, I know that some of you knows what I'm talking about but that's just small part...yes, that's just small part. Nothing. Edward hugged me when I've got the attack but he did it when I gave him a sign that I need a hug. Most of the people wants to be alone in some moments, sad moments of their life. I'm not one of them, I need hug and talk when I'm sad and especially when I get panic attack. I may not answer to you but I will listen to you and it means to me, that presence of a human. It hurts me that I had to give him a sign. You should know when people need hugs and comfort. You just feel that. I don't know how I fell a sleep, I think I just passed away. The alarm woke me up at 6 a.m this morning. That's when Edward thought to get up. It was still early for me. We had to check out at 8 a.m with manager and then go to immigration at 10 a.m. My alarm rang at 7 a.m. enough time to do stuff that are required. I got used to be fast and quick, that's what comes from years of working at the ship. I took a shower and cleaned everything until 7:30 a.m. Edward didn't even started. That's when he pissed off. I asked if he needs help while standing at his door and drinking coffee. He started almost to scream at me saying that he is alright and that I bother him when he is doing his stuff. Well, I just asked if help is needed, nothing bad comes with that. Is it bad to ask that question?? I started to cry again, not cuz he yelled but cuz I know I wont see him anymore in my life. My life has always been a failure, breaking down into peaces, a thousand times I broke and no one picked them up. I think that no one now can put them all together, they are too small to be collected. I don't know how I still have strength for life at all. I don't know for what I'm holding onto. It has been so painful that I can't explain it, I don't have words..the right one. I cried all the way to the airport. It took us 45 minutes of driving from the port to the airport. Somewhere in the middle of the road he said: 'hey, I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning'. I didn't say anything cuz, after all, that's not what hurts me the most. But I can't say that to him. I resigned, I have no job anymore, it has been my life, everything I had in the past 4 and a half years. I quit of my life and I've been forced to do it. Ship's life can be super hard when you're not happy, when you can't find comfort there and most of you know what happened to me. I just had difficult time and it was hard for me to deal with everything in the right way. I still don't know what am I suppose to do with past, with present, with future. I'm totally alone, everyone has someone who wait for them at home. I have no one! I feel like I'm wandering around and it's hard to not belong anywhere. What comes after? Will I ever find everlasting happiness, true friends who will never leave, life that I don't need to hide from the others, a place where I can stick to forever? What happens when you constantly getting the feeling of being refused just for being yourself, and you know that you can't change for them, it wouldn't be you then, you would be a doll to play with however they want, they would dictate your feelings and your whole life? Is there anyone in this world who would love me for being myself? I'm not a bad person, I just had few bad decisions in my life. I wanted to say to Edward a lot of stuff this morning, I didn't even open my mouth. I know he is not the one, and I didn't want him to be. I wanted to tell him how I will miss him and our stuff that we did together, I wanted to tell him how I will miss his smile and our smart conversations, I wanted to tell him how I would love to see him again. Instead of it I just hugged him. Nothing else. There are people who feel these words in this kind of hugs. I think he is not one of them. He is just an ordinary person who is in transit in my own, poor life. A stranger who reminded me that I'm still alive everytime when I feel that I don't belong here. I don't even know where I belong anymore. |
I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love I did, I did And you were strong and I was not My illusion, my mistake I was careless, I forgot I did And now when all is done There is nothing to say You have gone and so effortlessly You have won You can go ahead tell them Tell them all I know now Shout it from the roof tops Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be Impossible, impossible Impossible, impossible Falling out of love is hard Falling for betrayal is worst Broken trust and broken hearts I know, I know Thinking all you need is there Building faith on love and words Empty promises will wear I know (I know) And now when all is gone There is nothing to say And if you're done with embarrassing me On your own you can go ahead tell them Tell them all I know now Shout it from the roof tops Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be Impossible, impossible Impossible, impossible Impossible, impossible I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love I did Tell them all I know now Shout it from the roof top Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be Impossible, impossible Impossible, impossible Impossible, impossible I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love I did |
2014. is just a few days closer and I already can taste the lips I wont be kissing at midnight of the New Year's Eve. Crap.. I mean, why people can't have the same things every year? It's because they are never satisfied with what they already have. They will always want more. That is fine, we SHOULD dream big always, but when we dream about something else, why we can't keep what we already have once when we get what we want?? When it comes to relationship I don't know what is right:to follow your heart or to follow your mind? Both of them belongs to you, and there is no way that one part of your body betray you. Or there is? And what happen when they did? How you learn to trust one of them again? And how you learn to trust to the other people if your own body betrayed you? If I can hug you with all my missing then... |