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Letters and thoughts to my sweet husband |
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I never want to neglect telling you how I feel and what is going on in this crazy brain of mine. Additionally, I'm sure everyone feels like they have that one great love story: but, perhaps someone will stumble upon this and some how through these words 'get' the love we feel for one another. |
| Dear Handsome, Today was supposed to be rest day -/no therapy. I went to Walmart to get foam mattress toppers for the beds. It seems to help or it just might be wishful thinking. As we were going to lunch Janie and Larry Weaver came in. They didn't stay long. They seem like genuinely sweet people. We were a out Dow. For our winters nap when Bruce smith fought us cookies. I like talking to him.. He seems truly co cerned with others. My brother came and stayed awhile after lunch I think. Nurse ann made you stay I. The wheelchair I steD of get I. The bed. ;) Hmmmm someone else rory maybe Nd his wife from Hennessey. Seem nice but you were about asleep. I'm nervous About going to school. Actually it freaks me out l I think I'm making a ton of typos. I'm on my phone Nd fighting sleep. I've u Your bBy 
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Hi Honey, Today had its ups and downs. You were even more tired than normal and I was having a down day. But Chris did come by with his dog Chase. After promising the nurses I would bundle you up like an Eskimo they agreed to let me take you out in 30` weather. We didn't stay out long because you were pretty cold still. I want german Shepard puppy. Betty (the dog not my mom) did good at my sister's when Reese was gone. That's a relief. You are no longer hooked up to anything. They finally took the pick line out. We played farm war. Just a silly game I made up to help with your right hand and give us one on one time together. I miss your laugh. I have video of it but that just made me miss it more. It might snow a little tonight. I've made friends with a chaplain. I really like her. I'm hoping to go to her 1:30 prayer group on Sunday. Lots of love and more, Audra  |
| With a title like that who doesn't want to keep reading? It was my fault, and of course I laughed after the initial squeal. You needed to give a sample but had to go more than a sample and I didn't make the transition of containers quickly enough. I guess guy peeing isn't the same as girl peeing. Plus you have that little blast thing at the end that throws me every time. This will be wonderful for our grandkids to read someday. Visitors: Mom Kaye Adam The school gave us this humongous basket of snacks. I couldn't even lift it. I hope there are Tracy's Bourbon balls hidden in it somewhere. You were able to go from the bed to the wheel chair by yourself today. And all the therapists are so impressed with you. Love you sleepyhead, Me  |
| I missed yesterday baby. I'm sorry. We got transported (sounds like star trek) to rehabilitation center and we were both so tired. I think it was before 7:30 when we fell asleep. Visitors: Mom Kaye Uncle emmitt Jay Other people were going to come but I encouraged them to wait until another day. This place is amazing. Everyone has been so helpful and the room doesn't feel like a jail cell. Your spirits are a little down at times, but I think once you start therapy and see and feel your progress that will improve. Well, almost time for breakfast. Love you! Me  |
| Wow! What a difference a day makes. I would say it was because of a good night's sleep, but I know I didn't sleep well and you were awake more than you have been. It is freezing in here at night! And you know I'm never cold. You have received so many birthday cards today...quite a fee from the Guthrie church. I'd really like to visit there. I was a little uncomfortable when you first mentioned it but now I have a better understanding of the part they have played in your life. I had put on Facebook that cards for your birthday might be uplifting and then several people shared it. You are so loved and cherished. Let's see, who has been here today...Kaye, Wanda and kenneth Anai ... Mom and reese...Conrad Smith (I think)...Chris and Anna and the boys sent flowers and a balloon. .... We have been approved for Mercy in house rehab,p  |
| Dear Bruce. In some ways today (especially this morning) was harder than yesterday. It seemed like as soon as we woke up, we were hit with one thing after another. Your demeanor this morning was down,,,I understand but it is hard to see. The phones, mine and yours, were going off none stop. You have lost your appetite. It seemed like people were lined up out the door. All types of therapists for you and please people with forms and financial questions for me. My family with their fantastic communication skills trying to decide who needed gate keys and when. It was too much. I couldn't hold the tears back. I could tell therapy was frustrating and scaring you. I think today you for the first time maybe understood the effects on your left side. I went to the lobby for a few minutes because I knew my tears wouldn't help anything. This afternoon we both took much needed naps and did seem a stronger this evening. You got a birthday card from Donna and bill Miller. It was so sweet. Let's see who came by to visit: My mom, my dad, the nice chaplain, Bruce smith (I can't believe that is kaye's Bruce smith!), will, Tracy and Reilly, Kaye. Corrine called today. I could tell her heart was hurting for you. She's such a sweetheart. I meant to keep track who came each day. I hope I haven't forgotten. December 31: Gaye, Kaye, Ron, Stephanie, Paul, Kristi, Amy, terry from church January 1st: Mom, Gaye, Adam, Curtis, Kaye, Amy, Lanin, Larry and Janie Weaver, lesa January 2: Will, Joe, Kaye, mom, Amy and nik, Linda Kaler, Amy Rogers, Tracy, Lesa, January 3: Darryl sade, Mr. Ruckman, Amy and Reese, terry and his wife and daughter, Tracy and Lesa. I got to see a glimpse of my real Bruce tonight You were as sweet as ever and determined too. I love you, always and in all ways. Audra |
| January 3, 2016 Hey Sweetheart, I'm writing earlier today in hopes that I make more sense; I'm not counting on it but I'm hoping for it. This morning has been kind of tough. You always do say that the third day is the hardest. Is this the third day? I'm not sure. I think so. Who knows, I suppose it doesn't matter. Today was reality day. You were ready and coherent enough to explain to you what has happened, the effects, and the plan of action for the future. You are down mentally today which is completely understandable. What sucks is I'm having a down day too so I have to be careful to not add to your depression. Shit a buzzer is going off. It says there is air in line. That does t sound encouraging. But they are taking care of it now. I've put my makeup on so that I don't allow myself to cry. I need to suck it up. You expresses how tired you are of being in the hospital. Others might misunderstand but I know you are referring to the last year not just this last time. I have to stop for right now. Amy called and I got frustrated trying to tell her where things are and the whole wearing makeup thing didn't work. |
| January 2,2015 Dear Bruce, This afternoon you were moved to room 202 on the Stroke Floor. This means there is improvement. I do kind of miss the extra attention you received in ICU, but at least here I don't have to leave for two hours in the morning and two at night. You are sleeping tons today. Even dreaming.. Something about us being stranded at a gas station because the roads were flooded. So about the urinal 'incidents'. The first one happened last night when I was kicked out for shift change. You fell trying to take care of business yourself. Im not blaming you; I totally understand. When you have to go you have to go right then. You pushed the nurse button but couldn't wait and you don't understand yet that you are missing some feeling in that left leg, so you landed on the floor. I heard them call a code for room 30 and my heart stopped. That hall seem to increase in length with every step/'run' I took. Thankfully, you weren't hurt. Later, you had to go again so you just stayed in bed and I situated the urinal around pee-airre. Everything was great until I thought you were finished right when you did one big squirt that gave my glasses a cleaning. I was laughing so hard the nurses came to check on us. They didnt see the humor. Then when we got to this room it was time for operation pee again. I was braced for the mystery last shot. That was until I couldn't figure out why I could see and hear you pee in it but it wasn't filling up. My brain is tired and it just wasn't computing until I saw the hole in the bottom of the urinal. Accident or funny prank? Will we ever know....da da daaaaa That's all can write for know. I'm so sleepy. I love you, snook 'ems. Xoxo, Audra |
| Dear Bruce, You are always wanting me to blog so I pledge to you that I will blog every day this year. It may be short and complete nonsense but for you I will follow through. Yesterday you had a stroke. You are in ICU right now. This is the two hour period where the nurses change and they kick me out. I don't think you will remember much of this which is probably good. Truthfully, I hope I'm able to forget some of it. Everyone has been wonderful. So many prayers and calls. And your nurse, Stephen, last night was wonderful. I actually was able to get a decent amount of sleep in the chair. According to fitbit, it was 2 hours and 25 minutes but I'm not trusting it because it says I've done 26 floors today and it is only 7:15 a.m. lol maybe the 4.2 earthquake this morning affected it. There is only one other person in the waiting room. I wonder where the other patients' family and friends are. I'm not judging, just curious. I hope someone brings me a toothbrush and hairbrush today. Not that I want to look fabulous or anything but I have a kind of Medusa thing going on here. One of those times when you glance in the mirror and scare yourself. Bruce, I love you more than I know how to express. I need you to fight, sweetheart...for both of us. We have so much more to experience. We just talked about this the other day. Don't leave me, please sweetheart, please. Well, its time to start texting and calling people to update them on how you are doing. Hey, I had to use a five dollar bill for the vending machine. No one was around to change it out. Grrrrr. I wonder how many $5.00 bills we have saved up for our Montana trip. I bet it is close to $600. I love you, Audra |
| December 31, 2015 Honestly I don't know why I am writing this except I have to do something. I thought I'd experienced grief, sadness, helplessness...I was wrong until today. My husband had a stroke shortly after I left home this morning and lay helpless on the floor for hours until I asked my dad to check on him when I found out he hadn't showed up for work and wasn't answering my calls or texts. How does this happen? Why? I know I'm not supposed to question why but right now I fucking want to know why! We just found each other again. We held our heads high and stayed strong through 11 kidney surgeries in 10 months. It was our turn. We were laughing and being silly before my son and I left. Making jokes no one else would think were funny. Now I sit outside the ICU trying to comprehend this grief while the nurses change shifts...Trying to put it in its place...wrap it up with unused Christmas paper and store it away. I pray. I beg others for prayers. The tears still come. The pleading of please let this be a dream. Childish wishes but yet I grasp on to it with hope. Please God, don't take him. Please I will be a better wife, a better person, I will appreciate what I have. Please God, you've given me so many miracles, one of which was the love of Bruce. Please with the rawest of feelings and desperation and fear, please heal him and give me the strength to be what he and everyone needs. I'm not asking not to feel. If this is what you need from me I shall bear it, just please touch my husband and make him heal... This fear literally grips my heart. Please God, please.  |
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