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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| I am still at 450 days to go. I get a day off I need. Do I stay the course or not. I am am the frustrated part of the spectrum. I am not ready to give up quite yet. It is no fun getting put on a list of messing up in any kind of way. Now I will see what tomorrow brings. |
| Overnight, is one of those times to survive. It has been a very strange week. I can only go with my gut and see where things flow. It is better than saying means culpa and being guilty and shameful by my own determination. I hope to learn something I am not sure what. I feel that I do right and the something is out of place and it is very easy to blame myself without an objective feel to it. I am bad and it feels like I am guilty no matter what. I pray to learn about accountability and reality in the mirror without a need to beat myself up. |
| Well, I made a mistake, now what. It should not have happened and yet did anyway and I am frustrated and yet to be honest I do not know what happened. I did note that a pill was noted missing at our second med count. Who else could have screwed up. So I will wait and see what happens. God give me strength. |
| Sounds like a song, one of those crazy lonely nights. I enjoyed the prom and yes it was my first time. It took me close to fifty years to get to one. There must be hope for us all. The night is part of a double shift with no clear sense of what the morning will be like. My primary specialist sounded awfully tired. But then again it was the middle of the night. She says wait until 9am. That will be at 18 hours for me with no clear sense as to whether the person coming on knows what to do. I will put my patience face on and be laid back. What good does it do to worry? |
| I was actually able to limit sweets to no chocolate and cookies. I did have cherry pie, not over much there is hope. I do find myself wondering how much longer can I keep up the pace. I do notice I am getting irritable. My wife was stirred a positive way in the night. There is hope. Then I also look at immanence of a sermon. I hope I am ready. I did more reviews. The conclusion I am coming to is I need to write more. It makes me feel right and good. There is something good instde |
| I am depressed as hell. Now what? I ate all the sugar and my feet were numb as hell. I do not get the message quick enough. And now I am awake as my wife says you and your phone. As if we could be in a relationship. add there's the problem. |
| I am surrounded by sugar. In particular chocolate chip cookies, ice cream with banana and chips. I also got a couple of dum dum lollipops. They fill me with a desire to eat, after all, isn't everything good for me. I can not lose weight and the emptiness multiplies with Yanks destroying Baltimore, while the red Sox look hopeless against the Toronto pitcher. It will be a long season if I expect good, not mediority from Boston and less than total and absolute dominance from Yankees who are playing back ups. I need to find another way to fill myself or eternally be hungry for things that make me fat and lazy. |
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