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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Why does it take so long to get your taxes back? Every year it seems to take forever to get the refund back. Most years I am in dire straits and need the money, this year I am a little better off. Then again usually by this time of year I am working loads of overtime and this year they are not offering very much. So that means any grandiose plans I had for my little refund will be put out the window so I can use the extra money to supplement my paycheck, which will go from around $1300 bi-weekly because of overtime, to just under $1000. I guess maybe in the long run it will help out as I missed out on a bunch of EICs because I made just over the limit to get them. Except for one credit. I claimed my granddaughter but had to pay for her being uninsured, (which is one reason I cannot stand Obamacare!). The problem with that is the penalty was the same amount as as the credit. Want to know something else? Next year no one will have to pay that stupid fine because one thing Trump did do that I agree with was to repeal that part of the bill! So if the kids are still here next year I can get that credit! Of course my daughter could do something radical like get her child insured. Or maybe even go back to work, maybe, perhaps? I shouldn't complain. I make things too easy for her I know, but I know what it was like being a single mom and trying hard to make two ends meet that would never ever connect. But her and her boyfriend both live here with me and though he works, everything still seems to fall on me. I suppose if I were to be truthful I don't want them to move out because I am not sure how I would like the sounds of silence in my house. But here lately I have been willing to give it a try. I want to put my foot down and tell them to save their money so they can leave but I don't want to make them mad at me. I am such a wuss sometimes. Everyone would be better off if they moved out. They both need to learn lessons in responsibility, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am such a doormat! Please come in and walk all over me. It will be easy as I seem to have lost my backbone. Then of course I don't know what I would do without seeing my granddaughter everyday. She is a bright spot in my life. But reality needs to come visit this family. They can't stay here forever. Heather, my granddaughter, is getting too old to share a room with her parents. My daughter would be happier if she had her own place. But neither one of them , my daughter nor her boyfriend , seem to want to make the effort to try and move out. I have actually been thinking of moving out, but that is stupid. This is my home I am paying for everything so why should I? Am I that scared of conflict that I am willing to move out of a home I am paying for just to keep my kids from hating me? God when did I become so pathetic? And I suppose this is payback for me in a way, because I always moved in on top of my mother whether she could afford it, or even if she wanted me to. I suppose this is penance for being so selfish when she was alive and not ever having the gumption to try and make my own way. Only when she died and I had to, did I realize I could. Surely I don't want the same fate to befall my daughter? I just need to approach the subject in a way where I don't make her feel bad about herself. This is something I have never been able to do, because she gets so defensive about everything. I know she is not happy here. It would really be so much easier for me if they would get out on their own. Then when things come up like no overtime, I won't go in the hole trying to support all of us. I make decent money but am always broke because I am supporting us all. I need a break. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
