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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Just a short note before I go to work I have a hemorrhoid. Does anybody care? Can anyone feel my pain? Yea nothing to write about. Got to get ready for my exciting job at the tape factory. |
| No matter how anxious I get I will not take anti anxiety drugs like Xanax or Ativan. All they do is turn you off, make you a Zombie and cause havoc. Someone pretty close to me takes one of these drugs for anxiety and has a hard time staying alert or awake. I think tonight they may have cost her her job. She doesn't over take them but when she does take them they make her act this way. She took one tonight before going to work, almost passed out because her blood sugar was high and had to get a drug test. But that is not the bad part. She admitted to smoking a joint 3 days ago. Now she is worried about losing her job. Nope I will be fine spinning around in my own head. I just don't like the way these things make me feel. I really do not want to lose my job because of them. Of the two the pot is less harmful but that will be what they fire her for because she has a prescription for the other. It's a shame. |
| Well got some stuff done today. I went into HR and got my w2s printed out. Apparently everyone who was paperless has been having problems with this because the company is changing programs, so that anxiety has been knocked to the ground. Priced test strips and found out with or without insurance I could afford some, also got the oil changed in the Hyundai. All of these things have been running around in my brain causing me massive anxiety. Little things.... Things that are not the end of the world are hard and rough. They should only cause a hiccup in the road of life, but for me they leave giant potholes. This is just an example of things that block me. Whenever anything does not go exactly as it should I start to fret and worry really bad. I should have a better grip on things, and for the big things I do. It's the little things that kill. Wasn't that a Bush song? I wish I could say that I have only been like this since I lost them; but the truth is I have always been like this. These little fears eat me up and in the past they are the exact fears that kept me coming back home to my mom time and again. I spent a good part of my adulthood hiding from little ankle biting fears. I never could get a grip on life issues. Again not big ones, little ones. This never ending feeling of complete doom is always there, just underneath the surface, and it makes me believe that I am hanging on by such a small thread that the least little hiccup will make that thread snap and send me spiraling into an oblivious existence. I always fear that I am one hiccup away from being homeless, penniless, and lifeless. I am one hiccup away from losing everything. It is not exactly paranoia; I have lost everything before and it scared the shit out of me. I do not want to repeat the past, but I am paralyzed to move on. I don't even know if this makes any kind of sense or not, but it is how I feel. And my anxiety is always alert, always there, always nagging me. I think that is why I cannot rest correctly. Maybe that is why I go through massive bouts of insomnia, and then I go for weeks where I cannot wake up. I am either sleeping all the time or not at all. I am always in a fog regardless. Never do I ever really feel awake, I feel mostly drained all the time. I have decided that the diet soda is making me sick to my stomach, so I am trying to wean myself off of it. I don't know if I can quit cold turkey. I am convinced I am addicted to Diet Coke; but I am going to try to stop. I am tired of throwing up, and since I have cut back I do not feel the urge to puke anymore. The only good thing to come form all of this messy stomach thing is I have been losing weight. I suppose it is a good thing that I can file my taxes because all my clothes are too big and there are some I simply cannot keep up anymore. But this is me. I don't know if I could cope with life on an even keel. I have been washing about in these choppy waters for as long as I can remember. I also have this stupid notion that if I did get better I wouldn't be able to write anymore. In a warped sort of way the depression and anxiety are my muses. I do draw a lot from them for my writing. I fear if I get better I won't have anything to write about. I never really tried writing with a clear mind. Have ever really had one? The dreaded fear of the unknown is making an appearance again! Maybe the real reason I am alone is because I don't want anyone to know how truly sick I am. I mean who ever wants to admit that they are a little too close to crazy? Maybe I keep myself in this solitude because it easier than having to disappoint someone with the fact that this is me I don't know how to change, and am not sure I want to anyway. It's not because I enjoy being this fractured, it is because I know of being fractured. And the unknown scares me a lot more than the known does no matter what type of hell I go through. Am I helpless or just hopeless? |
Well here we are again another day off. I would love to update my blog but my life is so dang boring! All I do is make tape and sleep! What a life.I did get 30,000 parts on my machine yesterday which I know you don't know what that means but trust me it is good.  My son-in-law got some of his taxes back and is giving me some money. Yeah can always use some money! I still haven't filed mine because I cannot access my paperless W2s. What a headache! I need to talk to HR and see what I can do. I suppose if I don't motivate myself to talk to them today I will have to tomorrow. I need to file. April will be here before I know it.I think the kids can spring for the groceries this week, I think I will take the money he gives me and IDK go out? Get on up outta here for a while? Kick my heels up and have a good time? Probably not. I will probably pay a bill. I am in such a rut! I really really need my W2s! God why don't I just call HR? It is almost too late today, maybe tomorrow. Something else I am having anxiety over, I need more test strips for my glucometer. It is my old one, the one I brought from Texas. Can't find the one my DR. up here prescribed for me. What to do about test strips? Why do I do this to myself? Simple little things that can be handled seem like huge mountains that I cannot climb. My mind is a mess. |
| Anxiousness...Cannot sleep have to work tonight and I am feeling restless. Getting a little concerned because I cannot seem to keep anything down. My stomach does not hurt but this constant post nasal drip makes me gag and throw up. The only stuff I seem to keep down are potato chips. Don't ask me why perhaps God has cursed me for being such a junk food junkie my whole life. The upside to this malady is that I have been losing weight, although that may not be such a good sign. Am I losing it because I can't keep much on my stomach or is there something else wrong with me causing the nausea and weight loss? IDK I went to my doctor last week but I swear he is senile. I told him some of the symptoms I had been having and all he wanted to do was test me for the flu. He asked me several times if I had been running a fever, which I answered each time no. I think I need to see another doctor. One who will do blood work and try to figure out what is wrong with me. I feel hungry but I am afraid to eat. I don't particularly want to run into town for potato chips, it is weird that I don't throw those up. What I really need to do is try to sleep because I have to work tonight. And all through this I have this nervous energy about me. I am a little concerned and a little scared. This is not a stomach virus. |
| Feeling accomplished. Wrote another chapter in my Grief series, added 3 poems to my port. Actually woke up in a good mood today. Each day is different yesterday I was enraged for no good reason, today everything is fine. My sleeping patterns are so out of whack, even though this is a day off I did not get up until 3:30pm. Sadly I am getting used to that, sleeping all day... |
| Today was a typical bad day dealing with depression. I awoke in such a bad mood. I am nervous about bills and groceries. Having major anxiety about taxes not because I owe anything but because I cannot get to my w2s to print them off. Oh why did I ever go paperless? When I awoke this morning I hated everything and everyone. I got upset over the messy bathroom, got into it with my daughter over groceries. The only thing that calmed me down was my grand baby, and of course I didn't mean to go off on my daughter, she was just there. I hate these moods. These moods are not off kilter moods, they are moods of full blown rage. After I calmed down and my daughter and I made up, and yes I apologized to her because I totally attacked her for no reason, the mood was gone. I hate those raging moods. I need to take some advice and go get some help for this condition. This is no way to live a life - angry, sad, nervous all the time. |
| What I am doing still awake? I worked all night and here it is almost ten in the morning and I am still up. i was just about to doze off when I heard my grand daughter crying. No what kind of nana would drift off to sleep while her grandchild sobbed by herself on the living room? Not this nana! But now that she has been placated and fed I am still up. I am strongly debating about refinancing a loan so I can have some money and not be so damn broke, but I realize how stupid that is in the long run. Wish I could remember to check my W2s at work and print them off. I know i have until April to file, but really would be nice to have some extra money. Why am I still up again? Thinking about going to bed. Yea that sounds heavenly;comfy bed, soft covers, dreams...Why am I still awake? |
| Went to the doctor yesterday.I got there 20 minutes before my appointment still had to wait for almost an hour to be seen. When he finally saw me he barely looked at me just long enough to tell I wasn't feeling well. They did give me a flu test. It was negative. I told him all I do is sleep which I think is a big deal apparently he didn't. He prescribed a z pack for a sinus infection. Got all my diabetes meds refilled. The good news is I am 20 lbs lighter than my last visit. The bad news is even after a rebate my medicine was over $200.00. Yes I have insurance and a prescription plan. Still have this cough. I feel this was a waste of time, aside from getting all my medicine refilled I am no better off than I was before I went. I hope these antibiotics work! I don't think I will work over time this weekend. Just not feeling well enough to put up with the bullshit, even at time and a half. |
| I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.After a weekend long earache and coughing so much I threw up phlegm I thought I might should go see my doctor. I cannot get rid of this cough and now my throat and left ear hurts. I am such a mess. I really do feel like I am dying... hopefully a Z pack will take care of it. I really dislike going to the doctor. I hate the waiting. My doctor I feel no connection too. He doesn't intimidate me but he seems disconnected. I don't know why I have this feeling toward doctors I just do. I will absolutely put a doctor's visit off until I feel like death warmed over. It is just one of those things for me. I just hope he can give ne something for this cough and my ear. I really am a big baby. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
