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From random ramblings to rants, this is FrankieB, raw and without explanation. |
| Welcome to the creative, sparkling, truthful world of Frankie B (aka: Brandy, the SparkleNinja, ShadowedHeart). Those who know me, know that there are few things in life that pique my passion as much as writing. Those of you who are just joining my journey - I hope that you will find something worthwhile in the things I will be sharing. Over the next few days, I'll be filling this feed with writings from my past, thoughts from the present, and a few odds & ends to keep you entertained. I cannot promise that every post will make you laugh or strike some great cord within you - but I can, and do, promise that what you'll find here is ORIGINAL, candid, and, in most cases, entertaining. |
| Family. Food. Laughter. Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? We fill our bellies, surrounded by those we love. We reminisce about the "old days" and share memories of those no longer with us; all the while making new memories to remember in years to come. For the last few years, I have been one of the lucky ones. My Thanksgivings have been as described above. But there was a time ... And it is those memories that nearly bring me to my knees with thanks. No longer do I have to worry about covering bruises before I go to a family dinner. No longer do I have to concentrate on not crying when it's my turn to note one thing I'm thankful for, because "alive" is the only thing that comes to mind. No longer do I have to lie about how wonderful life is and how happy I am. No, this year, the tears I held at bay were for truth when I said "I am thankful for happiness." I did not have to cover bruises or hide puffy eyes. My laughter was genuine. And my life is truly wonderful. I have amazing children. One beautiful little girl whom, while testing my parenting every single day, warms my heart and brings me joy. One sweet and adorable little boy, growing so fast I can't seem to keep up. An amazing husband I love with every fiber of my being. And family that I am so proud to call my own. So this year, I was more thankful than I've ever been before. My life has changed so much over the last few years, and I look forward to, rather than dread, the holidays now. And instead of focusing on the horrible memories of years past, I have come to realize I am so very thankful for the moments that all I was able to say was "I'm alive," because those years led me to where I am now: Happy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| There is nothing more difficult for me these days than finding balance. Between a full-time career, a very needy, beautiful 5-year-old, an adorable almost-4-month-old, a great husband, housework, bills, cooking, and doing more than just throwing my hair in a knot every day, I have lost my balance. I am frustrated easily and consistently overwhelmed. I am constantly worried that I am forgetting something (and 99% of the time, I am). I feel guilty for the lack of quality time I spend with my children & husband. I hate that my son spends 10 hours a day with someone other than me when he is still so tiny. I hate that someone else will, most likely, get to see his firsts as I sit behind a computer screen, working to help support our family. I hate that my daughter doesn't get the one-on-one attention she got for the first 5 years of her life and now feels left out. I hate that when I get home, there are a million things to do and the few hours before bedtime are packed with said to-dos instead of the quality time I would rather be spending with my family. Lately, somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, my inner-self has been urging me to pick up the pen, to get back to writing. To find my balance in the words of my soul. It has ALWAYS been there. It is always calling. But with the chaos of every day, I've set aside the needs of my self. I put them on the back burner, thinking ... someday. But, what if there is never a Someday? What if that is the excuse I have used time and time again to deny myself of the peace and balance I need so desperately? So, here I am. Back on WdC. Back to the writing paper. Back to the peace and stillness of my soul when I am the wordsmith. And somehow, I know THIS is where the balance lies. This is, for me, where all things come together and the pieces all fit back together to make a beautiful picture. I'm going to find my balance. I'm going to fit all the pieces back together. And perhaps, with WdC as my push to keep the pen in my hand, I will get somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally find that stillness in my life that allows me to be everything I need to be. Because I know, when the soul is satisfied, the rest follows. |
| It’s been a crazy life thus far … I’ve hit a lot of obstacles to happiness. I’ve struggled with inner demons; lost friends I never thought I would lose, for reasons I never could have imagined (which, as some of you know, would damn near be impossible with the writer’s imagination I hold!); and, at times, fallen so hard I thought I’d never get back up. But ultimately, those “downs” were just part of the ride to the top, because so much good has happened too. My life is better than it’s ever been; hell, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I have to think that all those “downs” were simply meant to put me on the right path, to lead me down the right roads, to point me in the direction I needed to go to get me to HERE. Because HERE is a damn good place to be. Against all odds, I’m a better person than I was five years ago. Hell, I’m a better person than I was a year ago. I’m stronger and gaining confidence every day. I’m finally optimistic about the future; I have hope for the future; and over all, I am happier than I could have even hoped I’d be. I guess sometimes life hands you more than you think you can handle so you have no choice but to fight your way through it. The gods know I’ve fought my share of battles. [Warning: I’m about to bare my soul and share things from my past, please hit your ESC key and exit if you do not want to know, are judgmental (you know, you people that think your shit is made of gold), or don’t think you can handle it. THESE ARE MY TRUTHS.] Depression is something I’ve fought since I was young. It’s been a demon that lurks in the night, waiting to gobble me up at every turn. Like a shadow that’s followed me through my life, it’s never been more than a few feet away, an impending doom just waiting for the smallest of crises to open the door so it could come rushing in and overtake me. I’ve been off and on meds, through therapy galore, and battled myself more than any one person should have to. Between the hopelessness and sense of worthlessness, I’ve been to the pits of my own hell (got the t-shirt) and lived to tell about it. I’ve struggled with PTSD and anxiety; those two have eaten me alive and spit me back out, only to do so again and again until I felt as though I was not worth the air I was breathing. Like a never-ending cycle, I was stuck in a loop of nightmares, fear, self-destruction, and utter devastation. These things weren’t something that plagued me only through adulthood. I was “diagnosed” young – started therapy young – struggled young. I don’t think some people truly understand the depths of these diseases. I don’t think they realize the reach these illnesses have on a person’s life or how they can shape that person’s personality and future. But I understand. I know. I’ve lived it. AND I SURVIVED! Through abuse, abandonment, rape, and all the other things that have cursed my inner self – I survived. Perhaps I did not skip through it all with a smile. Perhaps I was not as strong as I should have been. Maybe I didn’t handle it all as well as I should have. But I survived it. I fought. I struggled. I cried and laughed. And I made it to HERE. To NOW. To this place, in this time. One step at a time. Today, as I look backwards, I realize that all that I’ve been through has shaped me into the person I am now. It’s given me a certain power (I tried to tell you I had SuperPowers!) over my life that no one can ever take from me. And above all else, it’s given me hope. I know now, that I was never given more than I could handle. And though there are days that I still struggle to see myself as strong, smart, and beautiful, these are things I have always been. (No, this is not arrogance, this is what comes from struggling and the start of learning to LOVE MYSELF. Finally.) My HERE & NOW is worth everything I’ve been through. It’s worth the pain. Worth the heartache. Worth the sadness. Every night I cried myself to sleep. Every bruise, bump, and broken heart. These things were the stumbling blocks that built me up; the mountains I had to climb; the depths I had to ascend from. And now, when I look backwards, I can do so with a smile. Because my life is headed in the right direction, and I know, eventually, I'll end up where I am supposed to be. And with this in mind, I say to you, LIVE your lives. Think about where you’ve been and where you want to go. Don’t give up hope. There is ALWAYS a rainbow when the storm is over. My storm lasted a LONG time. But my rainbows will someday be bright and beautiful – brighter than the devastation the years have left behind. Don’t stop fighting. When you lay down and give up – refuse to go any further, you dig your own hole. Life sucks. I get it. Being raped sucks. Being abused sucks. Divorced parents sucks. Feeling abandoned sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Depression sucks. Abusive marriages suck. Hell, sometimes LIFE just sucks. But these are moments. And that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned in all my years. Life is made of moments. You get to choose some, and others you don’t. Some moments are going to bring you the greatest joy you could imagine – and some are going to bring you to the pits of despair. But they are only moments. They don’t last forever. And even when they cut deep, leaving a scar, that scar WILL heal. Life is full of moments. And it’s all those moments together that make life worth living. So don’t let one moment rule your life. Don’t let one moment bring you to your knees. Ride the roller-coaster; put your hands in the air, open your eyes, and when you crest that hill, scream at the top of your lungs – Enjoy that moment. And every moment you can. Don’t take for granted what you are given today. Don’t walk away from the opportunity to make a MOMENT. Not just for yourself, but for those you love. Let your laundry wait; play in the snow with your kids. Go for a walk with your honey. Go to the zoo. Watch the sunset. Don’t sleep your life away. Laugh a lot, cry a little, and be proud of yourself. Don’t forget to live for today while preparing for tomorrow, because even if the end of the world is coming, you might just live your last moment before it ever gets here – are you going to live that moment thinking about tomorrow – or making a moment someone else is going to remember you by for the rest of their moments? Live your moments. With a smile. |
| The trend is ever-growing. Men and women (and teens) are posting photos of themselves nude, half-nude, in some sad attempt at proving their self-worth, confidence, and to "attract" likes, loves, and ... ? How does one believe that a woman who has the need to post naked pictures of herself online, for the world to see, is "self-confident"? How is such an attention-seeking behavior considered "confidence"? I don't play with this whole feminist view that our bodies are playgrounds and we should be so unashamed of our sexuality and our bodies that we are willing to become sex toys or objects. I reject the idea that casual sex is a "freeing" experience. I dispute the validity of claims that one who is "open and free" with her body is one who is also "confident and self-respecting." Now, let me make a confession: a while back, I considered a photo shoot (yes, nude). I inquired. I received a response. All I had to do was set the appointment. I could have used the money. And at first I thought, "Maybe this will help me gain some self-confidence and see myself the way others say they see me. Sexy. Beautiful." But as with all my decisions, I knew I needed to take the time to think it through. My body is not intended for the viewing pleasure of every horny (wo)man alive. It doesn't matter whether it is a perfect body or not (and I assure you, it is not). It doesn't matter to me how many click the like button or send me a message to tell me I'm beautiful (or not, as is sometimes the case). How I view my body is not going to change simply because others say it should. Briefly, I thought that perhaps the compliments I MIGHT get would somehow erase the negativity I have been subjected to. I thought it might erase the image, forever burned into my brain, of the red ink circles drawn on an old picture of me, to show where I was "wrong." I thought, maybe, I would magically feel better about myself. In the end, I knew those were simply the wishful thoughts of someone who had been broken down. Putting myself out there that way wouldn't gain respect. A plethora of dick pics? Probably. Men who wanted to use my body for their own instant gratification? Sure. Likes, lewd comments, and the knowledge that more people had seen my skin than I could count? Definitely. But to give me a "new outlook" on my own body? To make me "feel better?" No. Sadly, no. I don't want to be that person. I don't want my daughter to grow up and realize that I was that person. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I don't want to be the woman that another points to when she tells her boyfriend/husband to stop liking the disgusting selfies of some little Facebook whore after she has cried tears into her pillow, questioning why he stalks other women on Facebook and neglects her needs. That's not the face I want to wear. I don't want to be "just another naked body" in a sea of naked bodies online. What value does that have? But sadly, the society we live in today is plagued by the idea that there's nothing "special" about seeing a person naked. There's nothing significant, even in having sex with another person. It's all about instant gratification. People give what they have to give in order to receive what it is they wish to receive. And in the process have lost all dignity and self-respect. I am a romantic at heart. I believe in love. I believe in connection that is deeper than sex. And, yes, based upon the sexual experiences in my life, I believe that sex without connection is worthless. I am perfectly aware that others disagree. And you won't see me running around pointing my finger and screaming "whore" at everyone who believes differently than I do. But I do believe that those who engage in casual sex, especially with strangers, are not doing so because they get an unimaginable amount of satisfaction from it, but more that they are soothing something within themselves that they have no idea how to otherwise soothe. So ... perhaps I will post a selfie now and then, just to show who the person behind the keyboard is. But you can rest assured that I am not a Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat Supermodel (or whore, however you want to state it). I am not "confident" enough to post pictures of myself nude. I do not want, nor need, "likes" that bad. I am just ME. I love to write. And I share what I write with the hopes that someone out there will read and realize that they are not alone in their situation or their thoughts. Because truly, there is nothing worse than feeling as though you are alone in the way you think - that others have lost sight of what you believe is important. I share because I know, somewhere out there, someone else is thinking what I'm thinking and wondering, every day, if (s)he is the one who needs to change to fit the mold society is creating or if maybe, there is a place for her/him in a world that has gone batshit crazy. Or maybe, I write because I need to know there are others out there who think the way I do. Maybe I am the one searching for my place in a world who's views are so drastically different from my own. Maybe I am the voice of the one who is batshit crazy. Maybe I am the one who needs to change to fit the mold. But for today, at least, I say no. I won't rely on the "likes" and compliments of strangers on the internet to make me feel better about myself. I won't beg for attention by showing off my naked (or almost) body. And I will not trade my self-worth, my beliefs, or my values for instant gratification. I don't need a thousand followers who are there just to catch a glimpse of what is under my clothing. I am more interested in those who are waiting to catch a glimpse of my soul. |
| We all know that breaking others down to build ourselves up isn’t the ‘right’ thing to do. We understand that doing so puts us in the “mean girl” category. And I’m all for the idea that helping to build others up shows your character, and in the long run, helps us to build ourselves up as well. I get it. And so appears the ideal of being a “girls’ girl.” Of supporting our fellow sisters, no matter what. Of building them up. Of accepting them as they are. Of grasping the feminist views that are running rampant and holding them tight against our womanly bosoms and fighting for “women.” A while back, after expressing my opinion that, “while there is no excuse, nor did she deserve to be assaulted or ridiculed, she did indeed dress to attract attention, which is EXACTLY what she got,” on an article posted in one of my favorite groups wherein a woman was criticized for the dress she wore, it was pointed out to me that I am NOT a girls’ girl. *Take a moment to process this … I sure did.* I. Am. Not. A. Girls’ Girl. When I asked what, exactly, a “girls’ girl” is, I was given this link: The Girls Girl  - Nothing else. No explanation. I read. I re-read. And then I thought about it. And ultimately, I realized three things:1. We should all be “Girls’ Girls” to an extent; 2. I obviously didn’t take the same message from this that others have taken; and 3. I am perfectly happy with who I am and how I choose to “build others up.” I don’t consider myself a “Mean girl” at all. (I suppose I could be wrong, but then … no, I am not a mean girl.) I am a very encouraging, compassionate person. I believe we all are worthy of love. That we should all learn to love ourselves. That we should empower each other towards success. That we should support our fellow women in the world. BUT … I have apparently failed in my duty of throwing my personal beliefs, morals, and values out the damned window in the name of “building up” rather than “stomping on.” Because I am not a “feminist,” by definition. Because I don’t “believe” the way many other women do. Because I CHOOSE to follow my inner compass and have a low tolerance for bullshit. Because I refuse to cheer for the things I believe are wrong. I suppose, this removes me from the “girls’ girl” race. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m not a perfect woman. I have my own insecurities to deal with. I have my own opinions. I am not pro-choice. I don’t think women should “empower” each other by encouraging slutty, mean, or self-gratifying behavior. I don’t believe that men and women are “equal in all things.” I don’t buy that women should dress however they want and act however they want to prove a point. I don’t believe that women are suddenly a superior gender. I suppose I have to say again, I believe I have an old soul. Maybe I'm on a road less traveled. But I am who I am and I don't believe I am a bad person. I do believe in letting women make their own decisions without my “opinion” blaring in their ears. I don’t believe in pointing fingers and shaming to soothe my own ego. I don’t believe in shunning others based upon our difference of opinion. I don’t believe every woman who has ever had, or will have, and abortion is a monster. I don’t believe that a woman who believes differently than me is any less of a woman than I am and I have no intention of saying otherwise. BUT … I won’t stand back and take a verbal bashing just because my beliefs are different. I won’t be disrespected when I CHOOSE to be respectful. I won’t go for the idea that when the masses speak their opinion, it is “freedom of speech” but when the dissenting person speaks, it is “hate & intolerance.” The double standard is blaring and if there's one thing I hate, it's double standards. I am not, nor will I ever be, THIS kind of Girls’ girl. But these things are not what I took from the explanation either. Basically, I read that being a mean girl isn’t cool anymore. That we should be lifting each other up, supporting the successes of our sisters. And you know what? I agree. But don’t come to me dressed like a whore, spouting your beliefs in a case of verbal vomit, expecting me to sit back and smile while telling you how damned amazing you are and that you are absolutely right. Because while I may love you, and while I may not bash you – I WILL tell you to put your clothes on, have some damned SELF-RESPECT, and that I disagree with you … RESPECTFULLY. If that is me being a mean girl, then give me the crown because I’m the damned QUEEN! |
One can say anything that’s on her mind if she uses the right tone of voice and remembers to be respectful. Most people who know me know that I’m a very opinionated and “open-mouthed” person (some say that’s comparable to being a bitch and I say … okay then, I won’t argue.). I tend to overthink things, allowing the words to simmer within until they hold so much force that they are more powerful than a tornado ripping through a small town. I am not a keeper of words. I do not hold my tongue well. I often have fits of verbal vomit that tend to surprise even me. But I can say that if there is one thing I make a priority, it is to be respectful when respect is deserved. Words, when used with uncontrolled anger or hurt, can be the most damaging of weapons. They often do more harm than a slap, leave a deeper wound than a cut, and are unforgettable. Words imprint themselves in our hearts and etch themselves in our souls. To wound someone forever is not a hard task if you do not think before you speak. I know this to be true, for my heart and soul ache from the heavy burden of unrestrained words they have been whipped with. There’s a price to pay. When your words have slipped from your tongue (or fingers, since this world is so technology driven these days) without a second thought, know that there will always be some consequence. I have lost friends because I chose to stand up for what I believe in, using my words. Those people were not, I have realized, true friends. True friends love you in spite of your differences, maybe even because of your differences. And when you speak your mind, spilling out your heart with your words, to your friends, they, of all people, should understand the song of your soul. Unfortunately, that has not been the case for me and I have lost friends I dearly loved because they couldn’t handle my truth. (Do I sound cocky? Arrogant? Trust me when I say, that is not my intention. The fact is, if I am taking the time to defend my beliefs, or express my thoughts and feelings, you can bet that I BELIEVE I am right. Otherwise, what would be the point?) I have hurt people I love with my words. Granted, it has been quite some time since I last spewed hate from my mouth without having seriously taken the time to think it over first. (If you are reading this and thinking to yourself that you've heard/read my angry words and therefore I must be lying, you can bet your pretty little ass that if I took the time to say the words, or write the words, I sure-as-shit MEANT THEM!) I am not one to just resort to vicious and angry taunts. I do not play word games. I do not participate in verbal abuse. Because, I am dangerous when words are my weapon; I know this, and it is a curse and a blessing. And so, as I’ve matured, I’ve learned to speak slowly. And I’d rather remain silent than say something I will regret, something I don’t mean, or something that will unnecessarily hurt another. I am not (no matter how much others argue) a cruel person. And if they are arguing that I am, it's most likely because they got a deserved tongue-lashing! Perhaps, because I understand the value of words, I have a much higher regard for things spoken and written than the normal person. Perhaps it is because of this that words strike me to the core. Perhaps it is because of this that I am so easily hurt. And with my hurt comes consequence. With my anger comes consequence. You, no matter who you are, do not get to hurt me, make me angry, or disrespect me without consequence. It doesn’t work that way. And unfortunately, I can only be pushed so far, bend so much, before I break. When someone has no regard for how another person feels, and gets lost in their own selfish immaturity, losing sight of not only those who care about them but also losing (or throwing away?) their “self,” I no longer see any need to keep that person at the top of my priority list. Respect is lost. Trust is lost. And sadly, once I break, it’s near impossible to fix it with simple actions. No, I require more than a fix-all apology. Remember, I know the value of words … At some point, we all have to be responsible for our actions, our words, and even our thoughts. I claim mine. I’ll be the first to admit when I have done something wrong, screwed something up, or let someone down. I will take responsibility when and where I need to. I will accept fault. And I’ll be the first to apologize – when an apology is needed. Most times, we expect a person to step into their own light at at age in which they fully unerstand the difference (and importance) of right and wrong. It's at this time that we believe they make their decisions with conscience. And it's at this time that the world NEEDS to hold them accountable. What age is that? Do we hold a three-year-old to the same level of accountability for their words and actions that we hold an eighteen-year-old? When a 5-year-old says "I hate you," does it hold the same meaning, the same acidic weight, that the same words hold when they leave the mouth of a fifteen-year-old? No. Maturity plays such a huge part in understanding the value of words. But once they have reached that milestone of "understanding," it is the responsibility of the world to hold them accountable. Otherwise, we let them down and set them up for failure. Sometimes, I am amazed at the blinders some wear. They hide behind their words, a confugled mess of half-thought and half-belief, trying desperately to find truth amidst the confusion. It doesn’t work. Seldom will a lie lead to the truth. Rarely can one avoid reality forever. And eventually, everyone must face their own reflection. You cannot hide behind words. I can see through you. Eventually, you have to hold yourself and those around you to a standard worth respect - if you fail to do so, you lose it. And this is the lesson I will teach my daughter: It is important to be an individual, to think and speak for yourself. It is imperative that you become your own person with your own thoughts and beliefs. Argue. Debate. And stand your ground. Respectfully. Do not belittle, degrade, or humiliate another. Do not say things you will regret. Do not allow another to sway your beliefs without just cause. Be strong but gentle when you can and firm when you must. Do not fear what is different, but instead see the beauty in uniqueness. Keep an open mind and do not judge. Never allow another to burden you with their ignorance. And always, always, always, remember the power of words. I want her to stand up for herself. I want her to know her own strengths. And I welcome her arguments. Because I will do everything to teach her the power of words – to show her how to use them. And I will teach her the lesson that so many are not taught – how to do so with respect. In short: If you want to make noise, use your voice. If you want to be heard, respect the power of your words. |
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