%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
|
Because I usually am in Vino ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** In 2009, I gave up my studies as a medievalist and musician, left my home, my family, my life and moved to Provence in southern France for a guy. In 2012, I moved away from him to study wine. Today, I'm a vagabond sommelier working in Paris at one of the oldest and most famous restaurants in the world, struggling to find some purpose to what I deem the rest of my life. I'm still married and after 8 10 years, I'm still trying to fit-in with French life and culture and to understand why the French are the way they are. Because they're weird in a different way that I think Americans are weird. Perhaps it's me who's weird. |
| I got an email to update my blog so here I am. I am in the process of cleaning out my portfolio; loading up onto google cloud the stories and poems I want to keep and wondering what to do with my GP's. I don't think that I will keep my account any longer when my membership expires in September. I have found another website and community that is well, a higher level, and more interesting. Already I have had read very good writing there, received good responses to my critiques and received some very helpful critiques of one of my own stories. Sadly, I think I'm done with W.com. So updating this blog is kind of moot. But I'm on the couch and my paper journal is in the office and I don't feel like getting up to get it. So here are some thoughts for the day. It's the first time in a while I've felt calm. Deep inside my chest a peaceful openness sits and for once, I'm not angry or worried or frustrated about something. I feel soft. I wonder what I can do to keep this feeling or what brought it on, but as usual, any answers to the myriad of questions elude me. However, I still feel tired. That is the biggest frustration in my life. The constant fatigue that no one has ever been able to explain. I've taken vitamins, I work out, I drink water, I sleep as well as I can. And yet, I am always tired. I took a nap today, listening to an audiobook and snoring on the couch. At least this time when I woke, I didn't feel worse than I had when I went to sleep. Today and yesterday I have been thinking a lot about MSU and my year there. I realized that I barely remember any of it. I remember some of the traumatic episodes I had with Jan. I remember watching the Red Cross tow my car away. I remember Greg coming to visit and a few other things, but I don't remember ever cleaning my apartment or giving back the keys or picking up the keys. I don't remember how I got there or how I left. I guess, now that I'm trying harder, I can remember more than I thought. But sadly, most of what I remember isn't good. I think that's the way of most of my memories. I often wonder how people can remember so clearly things that happened in their past, in their lives, but I suppose that most people don't spend most of their time wrapped up inside the stories in their head the way I do. I spend so much time talking to myself and living in my internal life that I miss out on a lot of what actually goes on around me. In the past, it protected me. And still does to some effect - from loneliness, from despair, from feelings of uselessness. But now comes the added layer of deep social anxiety when I do actually find myself around other, real people who cannot be controlled by my mind and their actions are unpredictable. I cannot be at ease. And when I leave such social interactions, I'm filled with intense self-doubt, loathing, and fear that I said something that will paint me in a bad light, that offended, that will come back to bite me in the ass. Funny, because I never considered myself as someone who cares about what other people think, but I do care. Too much. And I have no self-worth. These past few days have been filled with nothing much. One day I spent sleeping, another I spent in bed. Another day I spent reading, and yet another worrying and following a thread on Facebook and then playing video games. I haven't written a word, read one word about wine, or touched my oboe. Today, now that I feel a bit more clear-headed (a bit clearer-headed?) and more peaceful I wonder if I just needed that mini vacation from it all. Will I start studying wine again? Will I start writing? Will I play the oboe? What am I going to do? What should I do - is how I really phrased it, as if I'm under some sort of obligation and given my career and my hopes, I am kind of under obligation to do two of those things. If I want to be a writer, I should write. If I want to be better at my job, I should study. It's the feeling of obligation that gets me down. Because I automatically think that I've failed since I haven't done either of these things for many days, and I don't feel like I'm doing either of them particularly well. And there it is. The self-doubt. The lack of self-worth. The feeling of hopelessness because I believe that if and when I go back to work, it's all going to go to hell. What I don't understand is how I've been able to make the commitment to exercise everyday, and stick to it so rigorously for over 10 years, when anything else seems to go out the window. Even adding yoga to my daily routine has not been difficult. But writing everyday? Studying everyday? Practicing mindfulness? Feels impossible. On another note, my body feels very sore these days. My ankle still hurts. The first is probably because of the yoga, I am probably pushing myself too hard and not resting enough, but of course, I can't seem to take time off. I can't convince myself that rest is a good thing because I feel worse when I don't exercise. I thought the stretches would help my body throughout the day, but they don't seem to be. Other than whatever is wrong with my left calf and ankle, I don't think I'm injured, but I don't enjoy walking around creaking and cracking and my muscles groaning silently at every movement. |
 Log in to Leave Feedback |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I think it's awesome that you're using that negative experience to get creative. It's hard not to just wallow when those things happen. I use a paper journal for most of my actual coping process too, but I do share bits and pieces on WDC as well.
Might try a short story a day instead. Stay safe. 
