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My blog/journal |
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A year ago, I didn't think I could survive everything I did. I mean, who thinks that going to Navy boot camp and then surviving a year in the Navy would get them anywhere? I'm spending days trying to just survive and most days I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm breaking down mentally, my knees are trying to break apart physically, and no one else knows about this because it would do me more harm than good. And yet I choose to do this. I choose to go into a career that could slowly kill me from teh inside out. I don't choose to be depressed or sad or alone. i just don't have any other ways to cope. I'm exhausting all my coping mechanisms because I have nothing else. and I can't tell anyone or act that way because no one believes. |
| I'm really sick and tired of my job expecting me to be able to do everything or anything when I can barely keep myself together. How am I supposed to juggle meetings, maitenance, my own sanity, and my own life when I'm barely able to really connect with my coworkers? I'm in an almost symbiotic life right now and I don't even know how to fix anything wrong! MY temper flares and I have fights with my boyfriend even though I really do love him and I can't do anything right anymore! |
| When do you realize that you've given up? Is it when your mother forces you to choose? Between your mental health and her? When you defend a man who she didn't let you have? Or is it when your PTSD gets to be too much, and the anxiety hits you? You go into a panic attack and can't breathe, want to cry. The pain doesn't fade, and you only feel worse. They tell you that you're okay, but it doesn't feel that way. You feel like you're a burden, unwanted, unneeded They assure you it isn't true, But why else would your mom get rid of you? Why else would you be forced into a situation you have no control over? What do you do when your mind feels raped by the memories? When your psyche is slowly breaking down, and no one sees it? Do you seek help? Or let it go on, possibly breaking you? Do you really know what others think? Is it just a guessing game of what's fine and what's not? I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of feeling unneeded and unwanted. I'm tired of the coping. I'm tired. Please, take my pain away. |
| Where do I even begin anymore? I am obviously a very much unneded person and no one wants to hear my problems. No one wants to deal with the drama of a 20 year old seaman in the Navy, despite the fact I'm fighting for my country. No, never mind that, I don't know anything about myself or the world. Just why do I bother? What makes me think I matter? |
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