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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
| How the fuck do people not cry at work all the time? This is a serious question. I almost cry at work at least 3 or 4 times a day. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears the entire day. I don’t know if this is a part of working 50+ hours a week, or if it’s part of having mental health issues, or if it’s just part of being an extremely emotional person. I’d like to (proudly) say that I have not actually cried at work in my one month stint; however, I’ve come very close every day. Like, giving myself a migraine from clenching my jaw so tightly to hold back the emotions kind of ‘close’. It’s not just one thing causing me issues... It’s everything. I sincerely don’t get how people do it. I’ve not seen a single person cry in my time here, but I feel like I’m forever on the cusp of having a complete public meltdown. I’m not getting proper training. Their idea of training is telling me to go to a meeting because it would be good for me to sit in on. Then I sit there for an hour and a half and have absolutely no idea what the meeting was about or what happened during it. There’s no formal training whatsoever. If I’m lucky, I can hang with my coworker like a fly on the wall observing shit that he’s doing, but it’s not enough to be able to go do the stuff myself. This week though, I’ve not even done that. My boss is never in the office and doesn’t seem to care what I’m doing at all. I think he might have forgotten that I’m even here. I went from being so busy running around in meetings and in the field one week to doing literally nothing for 50 hours the next week. This all probably sounds nice... get paid to do nothing... but it’s not. I’m getting super depressed just sitting around thinking all day. I feel the obligation to at least look busy, which results in me just reading old files on my computer or clicking through spreadsheets making sure to hit “don’t save” when I exit out. Sometimes someone will storm into my office complaining that something in the numbers doesn’t make sense. Because I’ve not been trained at all, the only thing I can do is kind of stare at them and shrug (& try not to cry) until they stomp out. And then I’m just sitting there alone again. The worst days by far are the days where everyone is busy, buzzing around me in a panic, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I start having dissociative issues on those days. It’s like I’m invisible and I just completely disconnect from myself and my surroundings. The smallest things hurt my feelings too. For example, my coworker sent me an email today asking me to make all these accounting adjustments “if I’m comfortable” doing that. I had absolutely no idea how to even navigate the accounting software to find those accounts. That’s how much information I’m lacking. It upset me because it seemed like I should be comfortable enough to do that, but also, I witnessed him do it one time over 2 weeks ago. How in the world would I remember how to do it, let alone be comfortable enough to do it by myself? It’s just not a fair shake to me..? But anyway, the point is... how the fuck do people not cry at work all the time?????? |
  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Discuss a time in your life when someone has tried to "fix" or "solve" a problem for you - but you didn't see it as a problem in the first place.How do you generally handle unsolicited opinions/advice? Look, ma, two in a row! It took me a pretty long time to realize I had mental health and addiction issues. When this stuff initially took off, I was basically a kid/young teen and definitely had that, “oh my gaaaahd, just leave me alone” thing going on. When it came to drugs, my excuse was either: 1) I’m just having fun with my friends; this is completely normal. 2) Everything around me is shitty and I need to escape. The former was obviously denial and the latter was just a rationalization. Following this, there was a period of time where I knew I had these issues, but simply did not care, so they became a non-issue. How is a problem a problem when you’re completely apathetic to it? During this time, I was highly defensive of myself when anyone tried to help. “How are you going to judge my shitty coping mechanisms? You think you could do better under my circumstances?” (Fun fact: This was around the time I signed up for WDC!  )I had much unsolicited advice throughout the years and, honestly, I could’ve done without some of it. For example, it was painful for me when people tried to turn me on to a religion I’d been abused in and very intentionally left. They didn’t know, of course, but it always felt like a slap in the face to me when someone told me to “pray it away.” And then there were the weird, unfounded bits of advice: Someone: Just go be with nature. Lay in a stream and sleep under the stars and it will completely transform your perspective. Me: What about withdrawal? Someone: When you’re one with nature, you’ll be cleansed.  Body, mind, and soul.  Me: Yeah... I think I might just go get high instead... Here’s the bottom line, plain and simple: I had to want something in my life more than I wanted to do drugs. Regardless of all the prodding, pleading, begging, praying, anger, sadness, and advice- I was never going to move a centimeter in the right direction until I saw a path for myself that I wanted more than I wanted to lay around with my best friend and do drugs. And it was hard as fuck. There is no advice you can give. Because at the end of the day, getting clean is a series of, “You wanna lay around and get high or do you wanna do this other thing?” That’s all it is. And I was terrible at it. Even after the initial kick, I still repeatedly sank back into it. I made that choice: you wanna go to school or you wanna get high? you wanna see this person who actually gives a fuck about your well-being or you wanna get high? This wasn’t a new revelation for me. It’s not like people didn’t tell me in the past to make better choices or that my actions and behaviors were my responsibility. It’s not like change happened overnight. I didn’t just snap my fingers and say, “Oh, wow, I’m done!” It was a process and it’s still a process. I just liberally took benzodiazepines every day for 5 months straight and had to kick them in December. This is something that’s always going to be an issue for me because of the pervasive combination of mental health issues and addiction issues. I replaced some old bad habits with new bad habits. I never dropped some of the bad habits at all. It’s a work-in-progress, but unsolicited advice I’ve gotten has probably had zero impact on my decisions. I had to own my behaviors and I luckily had someone around who was very patient about letting me make my mistakes before slapping my hand and setting me upright. Then letting me make my own choices and letting me backslide before slapping my hand and setting me upright again. Ad nauseum. What I needed more than advice or someone else to solve my problems was someone to hold me accountable in a loving way. “Okay, yes, you messed up. I’m not mad/disappointed. This is a part of your recovery. I still love you. The ball is in your court now. What’s your next move?” Over time, it took everyone else out of the equation. I could no longer excuse my actions with bitterness. “I might as well just do it because everyone’s already mad at me anyway!” No one was angry. No one was telling me to stop. No one was giving me any pushback. At the end of the day, it was just me sitting on a living room floor making my own shitty decisions. I needed to see that in order to change. I needed my detractors to be taken out of the equation because resistance from others had become my excuse to keep doing it. I guess I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give advice or try to help with people like me. It’s just that at some point, you have to hand the reins over to people like me and say, “Ok, you’re steering now. Where are you going?” In terms of answering the prompt, there’s nothing people have tried to ‘fix’ me from more than my addictions. I’ve always, always appreciated anyone who has reached out to me over the years, even just to catch up or check in. I don’t taken even the most unsolicited of advice for granted because I know that 99% of the time it’s coming from a place of love and caring. I have an uphill battle and I’m always going to. I’m not fixed- never gonna be. But I’m more cognizant now of who’s in control and that’s something I gained through the realization that all of these issues may not be my fault, but they are my responsibility. |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Imagine a place you go to regularly - the gym, your regular coffee shop, wherever you choose. Take up the POV of the person at the counter, the bike across from you, any one person you choose. What's your first impression of yourself? Is it the real you or one you plan and project? What's up?? I've been missing out on many good prompts while busy keeping myself afloat at work.  Hope you're all doing well though. I think I'm settling into work a little better. It's hard to say because the nature of accounting/finance means there are overly busy times mixed in with slow times. It's never just in between. My coworkers and I are either running around like our hair is on fire or we're flicking paper footballs at each other waiting for our hair to catch fire.  There's always something to be done, but unless it's a fiery hair situation, everyone seems to move pretty slowly and just not really care much about it. On those days, people will hang out and talk in each other's offices for 45 minutes and then move to someone else's workspace and do the same thing again. I know we have a very busy few weeks ahead of us though, probably not next week, but definitely the two weeks following. I'm learning to just kind of ride it out. The days are long and it's exhausting, which is pretty much the entire reason I've not had time to blog or read blogs. But during the slower weeks, I have a little bit more energy. Unfortunately, I think I might be getting sick now. Sore throat, headache, tired... all those cold-like things I tend to get at least once every winter. The fact that it lines up with a new virus outbreak is just, ya know, awesome.  Also, just throwing this out there, I'd be able to blog for "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" a lot more if the prompts weren't sent after 10pm wdc time and couldn't be posted in the forum until after 12am wdc time. Juuuuust saying.  There's no way I can write an entry at work, and by the time I get home it's usually around 7 or 8 in the evening. Then I have to take a shower, have dinner, etc. before I pass out from complete exhaustion at around 10:30.  I never realized how unconducive the 30dbc schedule is for a day job!Anyway, the prompt... I have such a shaky sense of self, and probably because I’ve that, I’ve dwelled on this idea before. Who am I? Am I the person I think I am or am I the person other people think I am? And who do others think I am anyway?  With my new job, this has been on my mind. Do my coworkers see and understand who I am? Are all of my little idiosyncrasies endearing or just weird? I feel like a different person day to day, so how can anyone really know what to expect with me? I feel like I’ve made a good first impression with some people, through personality mirroring which may or may not be a defense mechanism from childhood. I realized early that most people like themselves and act the way they act because it’s preferable to them. When you subtly match their humor and general cadence, they will often like you at first. And when they like you at first, they’ll generally continue to unless you mess it up by, ya know, being you... I think everyone is kind of “fake” in this way. It’s part of socializing. You’re never entirely yourself, but you’re not NOT yourself either. You’re just an acceptable version of yourself as called for by the situation. |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Describe a time when you exhibited bravery. Gotta do my once a week blog entry. I definitely wish I had more time to read and write entries this month. I had a really long second week of work. I think I'm adjusting a bit to the schedule and stuff, but it's just rough. The work-life balance seems pretty nonexistent. I'm expected to stay late at work almost every day, which makes my hours like 50-60 a week. It's a bit much for my taste. I'm going to focus on paying off my student loans over the next couple years and then we'll see where I'm at with everything. My problem is trying to do that without completely burning myself out. I'm the type that will work 11 or 12 hours a day and then do side hustles with any 'free' time I have and end up completely spiraling out once the hypomania peaces out. So, trying hard to balance all that at the moment. Anyway, bravery, hmm... First of all, I think most people exhibit bravery on a daily basis whether it's stepping out of your comfort zone to meet new people or tackling a project that you're unfamiliar with or confronting a personal issue or whatever. People with mental health issues especially have to exhibit endless bravery- specifically people with anxiety issues. Anxiety makes everything terrifying... making phone calls, driving a car, meeting new people, coping with unknown variables in life, learning new things, setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, being nice to yourself... Pretty much everything feels like a BIG deal. Throughout school, I had to spend so much of my time coaxing myself into just being baseline normal. I have to do the same thing at work now. Just trying to not be outwardly fucking weird. Like, it's a sincere struggle to just appear normal on a day-to-day basis. I've had several private moments where I have to step out and just do the whole deep breathing, positive self-talk thing.It is what it is. I'm used to having to go from one moment to the next that way. Getting through things one second at a time and all that. More specific to me, I had to be super brave during my teen years- and I was. Not knowing where my next meal was going to come from or when it would be pretty much required a high level of bravery. My mental health wasn't even terrible then because I just didn't have that option. I would've been completely frozen in fear every moment of my life if I hadn't found a way to swallow that day. It's insane what a human can take when survival is the endgame. Then you raise yourself up out of that only to have your brain be like, "Nah, fuck you."  My mental health got worse the more stabilized I got because I started coming out of that fugue state. Then I was terrified my life would slip back into the abyss. So, that's been fun... |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What music makes you want to dance? Daaaang, that was a rough week. I'm hoping I'll adjust to the long schedule at work and all that. Just, like, the thought of having to be somewhere at a specific time and then stay there for hours and hours... rough.And a huge transition for me because I'm so used to doing what I want when I want. I mean, I've been in school for the past several years, right? Studying when I want. Working when I want. I don't like being told what to do, clearly. Anyway... onward with the prompt. I haven't had time to read any entries since the 1st of the month, but I'm sure they were all great.  I won't be catching up on missed prompts.I'm glad this prompt includes the word "want" because I'm not super into dancing. But I must say, a certain brand of 80s music has to be my answer on this one. 80s synth-pop is amazing. Pet Shop Boys, Depeche Mode, Tears for Fears, A Flock of Seagulls... All those bands are just so damn catchy and danceable. Then there's also 80s new wave, which frankly overlaps a lot. New Order, The Cure, Soft Cell, etc. But, my absolute favorite by far is the Psychedelic Furs.  I think they're just the catchiest new wave band. I dunno how much I'd actually dance to them, but ya know, I feel the groove a bit.  I also have an 80s synth/new wave playlist that's probably about 5 hours long. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Welcome to 2020! As we start a new decade, take the time in your entry today to look back on the previous decade (2010-2019). Write about some of the major milestones from the past ten years. When you look back on your life over the past decade, what events stand out as most noteworthy and significant? Hi everyone! Happy New Year! I'm making quick work of my decade change. In the past couple weeks I've:  graduated university found an amazing post-grad job started my post-grad jobI mean, that happened super quickly. I went from having absolutely no post-grad prospects to having a very serious job that people work for years and years in the industry to try to get. It was really a matter of luck. My predecessor had to leave the position suddenly due to personal reasons and they needed someone in the role as quickly as possible. I applied offhandedly, not thinking I was qualified or would even hear back from them. Then I got an interview and just happened to really hit it off with my direct boss. I know we talked during the last official "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" about my impending graduation. I had so much self-doubt about my ability to find a job, even though I know accounting/finance are highly demanded fields. I was still caught off guard by finding an amazing managerial role straight out of college.It's still wild to me. The job is super overwhelming in the couple days I've been there though. The hours are really long. Of course, I have no idea what I'm doing yet. The people I'm managing are, like, 30+ years older than me and seem a bit... unsure(?) of me. Regardless, I have confidence that I'm going to be able to get comfortable in the role. It's going to take a lot of time because there is a lot of history with accounting and finance. Macroeconomic trends, specific events, things that change the numbers. You have to have knowledge of all of those past events in order to analyze what the numbers are going to be in the future. These are things that come with time. Other than that, I got married this decade. Moved about 50 times. Made a lot of friends, lost a lot of friends, got myself on track and off track 400 or so times. You know, the basics. I don't know how much I'll be around this month. I have today off because it's a paid holiday (my first one of those!). The rest of the month though, it'll be super difficult for me to keep up with blogging, let alone commenting on other blogs. We'll see how it goes though. I'll try.  |
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