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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/2181458-Are-You-Listening/month/5-1-2020
Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458
A journey of self-improvement - or not.
Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
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FORUM
30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS  (13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM
JAFBG  (XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik



[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head


May 31, 2020 at 3:12pm
May 31, 2020 at 3:12pm
#984680
Artist: Aesop Rock
Song: Lotta Years
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"JAFBG Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week.


Yes, I've lived to write another rant. Still attempting to recover from surgery, and I'm sure the process would be less grueling if I wasn't also in a bad place mentally, but here we are.

It's an extremely difficult time for highly sensitive people and those who lean toward pacifism. This year just gets more and more shocking. Trying to wake up every day and either completely avoid the news, or wince at it through spread fingers, is fucking draining and depressing. So, here's some shit I'm gonna rant about and I'm gonna hope I get some kind of dopamine release.

The thesis statement for my rant is this: My country has totally lost the fucking plot.

Here are some things people need to acknowledge:

1. It is valid to feel multiple different ways about the same topic.

As a fully developed human, you are allowed to view one issue from different perspectives and form multiple feelings about said issue. It is completely valid to say that you are against police brutality and also against rioting. It's fully valid to say that you are absolutely for peaceful protesting and then also draw a line at looting, burning, and violence. That doesn't make you racist. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean that you don't support police reform or that you're okay with anyone being murdered by the police. What we all saw on that tape was horrifying and stomach turning, and yet, sadly not even the least bit surprising in this country. And still, you can be horrified by multiple things at once. It isn't a competition.

2. There is still a widespread pandemic.

At the time I'm writing this entry, the US has had 105,634 coronavirus deaths. Two weeks ago, people were absolutely losing their minds about people protesting in groups. Personally, I was against those protests because of the virus. Now we have tens of thousands of people shoulder to shoulder in every city screaming and coughing on each other. We were going to see a second wave of the virus regardless, but we have history and science to lean back on in determining the effect that this will have on the spread of the virus. If what you're telling me is that mass protests about police reform are more important right now than stopping the spread of a pandemic, then I don't know what to tell you except that you don't care about human life and suffering the way I do.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't protest or attempt to enact change, but what's really happening is that we're picking and choosing whose lives we care about which has been a sticking point for me throughout this entire pandemic. This attitude of "who cares, they're just old or immunocompromised people" is fucking disgusting. Those people who chose to go out in groups of tens of thousands are going to go to the same grocery stores, same doctors offices, as those people who are attempting to do everything in their power to preserve their life from this virus. They do not have an option to just not get food or not see their doctors. It is on us to do what we can to limit their exposure.

And if you do not at the very least see that side of this, you're thinking too small and shortsighted. I'll fully admit that I'm biased here because to me, there is absolutely nothing more important than public health and welfare of society as a whole.

3. Protests need demands to work.

Look at the Hong Kong protestors. They have a very specific list of things that they want. It is succinct. Five demands that they want met before the protesting will end. If we want to demand police reform, we need a list of demands. "Police reform" is entirely nebulous. What are our demands right now? We want systemic change? Okay, how do we reach that? What actionable steps can be taken right now that will stop the protesting? Without that organized list of demands, we have no way of reaching a compromise. We're dealing with a police state, they're not just going to say "Okay, whatever you guys want. Just keep pushing the goalpost back and we'll keep listening."

That isn't the way these things work. That isn't the way the Civil Rights Movement worked. That isn't the way the Kent State protests went. Every protest needs a specific, actionable list of demands that can be worked through with the cooperation of the other side.

4. This is a build up of years, not one event.

Speaking to my prior point, because this is a build up of years of police brutality, it's all the more important that we get an actionable list together. We can't say, "Arrest and charge the offending officer. Okay, you did that? Now arrest the other three officers and charge them. Okay, you did that? Now overhaul the entire justice system." That's the 'moving the goalposts' thing I was referring to earlier and it will never, ever work.

That's why we need to acknowledge and recognize that this is not about one person. Quite frankly, I think a good rough estimate is that this is 40% about police brutality in the first place. I actually think that's being generous. I think the other 60% is social class issues, generations in cycles of poverty, a 25% unemployment rate, angst about a global pandemic, pent up anger and energy from a couple months in lockdown, 4 years of an overly divisive and corrupt president, etc. That's why this entire thing has moved away from Minneapolis and lost the original plot. We need to acknowledge what we're really angry about in this country. We need to acknowledge what is truly causing rage.

5. There are right ways to demonstrate and wrong ways to demonstrate.

I've seen this wholly denied repeatedly in the past week. "You don't get to tell people the right way to express their anger." Wrong. What you mean to say is, "I don't have to listen to you when you tell me the right way to express anger." There are absolutely right and wrong ways to protest. Be loud, be as close as possible to the building where people can actually enact change, be supportive of fellow protestors, where masks and PPE, bring first aid supplies...

I fully understand that the police are escalating these protests with tear gas and rubber bullets, often when they're not needed. Every step of the way, they have intentionally made this worse. Our absolute joke of a president couldn't be more agitating and inflammatory in this situation. But whenever possible, people need to move out of the way of emergency vehicles (ambulances, firefighters, etc). They have no idea how urgent this situation is, whose life is on the line, when they're throwing projectiles at firefighters and impeding emergency services from getting where they need to go. And just as an add in, if you are in the middle of the interstate destroying random citizens vehicles, you're a piece of shit.

6. Cope how you want to cope within reason (like I am now).

This year is a complete fever dream. I'm taking weeks to recover from an emergency surgery, I'm trying to learn my first post-grad job from home, there's a massive pandemic, there's huge unrest. It's anxiety-inducing as fuck. It's depressing beyond measure. I understand the rage. I have advocated for police reform for fucking ever. But without proper organization we can't get anything done. I don't understand what the expected outcome of this actually is in a concrete way. Express your anger however you want. Express your disdain however you want. We have a fucked up socio-economical system that serves to oppress the majority of our population. We have police who are above the law and held at a different standard than the citizens.

My points are 1) the lack of organized goals will lead to zero results, and 2) you have no right to harm or impede the care of innocent people.

I've long been disturbed by police brutality. I've long been disturbed by the social class system in the US. We need actual results. As I'm sitting here, in the middle of recovery from surgery, in the middle of a pandemic, in the middle of civil unrest, I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see anything positive in what's around me. I'm completely sickened by all the things I've seen from the police force. I'm sickened by people cheering about a security guard getting stabbed to death so that people could bust out the windows of an apartment complex.

What hell am I living in where people want the total destruction of our cities? I've said it before and I'll say it again— United States of Kamikazes.

I want the fuck out.

Thinking I had lost the plot if not the passion for the novel
May 14, 2020 at 11:53am
May 14, 2020 at 11:53am
#983559
Artist: Led Zeppelin
Song: Tangerine
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: What was the best/worst letter or email you ever received or wrote? Write about the situation surrounding that letter, and why it was so significant.


Really not in a good mental space right now.

I went to my oral surgeon yesterday and found out I need to get an unplanned surgery done tomorrow so this will likely be my last 30DBC entry for the month. Nothing that should be too serious, so no cause for alarm or anything. I'm sure I'll let ~Minja~ or 🌑 Darleen - QoD know off-site how the surgery went once I'm lucid enough to text. Just in case I disappear for a bit. I don't want anyone to worry. *Smile*

They're estimating that most of the recovery should only take a week or so, but I won't be able to catch up on writing blog entries at that point. It has been fun blogging with everyone this month though. Thanks for reading/commenting and all that. *Heart*

Today I'm just trying to wrap things up at work because I'll be out until the end of next week. Also just trying to stay calm, deep breathing exercises and all that. It's very difficult for me having contamination OCD during the pandemic. I've isolated myself so much that when I do go outside it feels really weird and bad. Getting a surgery during this time is obviously less than ideal.

But I need to make peace with that and make peace with the risks of the surgery as well. I have to at least maintain a facade of calmness because I don't want to cause anxiety in the people who are going to take care of me after the surgery. It doesn't do anyone any good if we're all panicking at the same time. *Laugh*

It's also difficult because I'm already feeling terrible going into the surgery. I've been in pretty bad pain for days, haven't been eating much at all so I'm likely a bit dehydrated. It has also caused me to have migraines every day so I'm dizzy, nauseous, etc. Just... not a good time.

But anyway, just wanted to update instead of randomly dropping out of the challenge. *Pthb* Oh, and best letter I've ever received? My university acceptance letter! I was so excited.


Measuring a summer's day, I only finds it slips away to grey

May 12, 2020 at 5:20pm
May 12, 2020 at 5:20pm
#983409
Artist: Metallica
Song: Wherever I May Roam
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Write about a fork in the road in your life, and how you made the decision to go the direction you did. What would have happened if you chose the other path?


I've gotten a little busy. Hope I can still keep up with the challenege!

I won't write about going to school for this one because I've written that entry before. Here's that entry in case you find yourself with a few extra minutes: "Invalid Entry. *Smile* I still stand by that response because that was probably the single most life-changing decision I made. It took a huge leap of faith.

It's interesting though. I don't really see most decisions as major "fork in the road" choices. But they still end up having the effect regardless. For example, when I graduated university, I could have easily taken a different job. The market was really good for my degrees and there were a lot of job openings. But I chose to go with the company I'm at now and that could easily be a "fork in the road" decision with the hindsight of years passed.

With that hindsight, I can see now that moving back to the area where I live now was a huge fork in the road for my life. I would have had a completely different life if I'd stayed in Houston. I wouldn't be anywhere near my family, so I'd likely be a lot closer with Kira's family. Would I have even been in the position to go to school? If so, which school would I have gone to? Would I have still majored in accounting and finance? Even if I did, where would I be working now?

You see, our move to our current part of the country wasn't really based on much. We were struggling to get by in Houston and I had some family in this general area, but more importantly, I had friends in the city.

It was very much a, "screw it, why not?" kind of decision. Very little thought went into it. We were on a month-to-month lease in Houston, so it was easy to leave. We didn't have very many belongings, so it was physically easy to move.

Yup. "Whatever, let's try something different" led me to knowing like 75% of the people I know. *Rolling*

Crazy to think about. I would know totally different people. I'd have different friends. Different job/coworkers. Different family around. Pretty much everything about my life would be different.

In hindsight, almost every decision you make alters your life, even if they're throwaway decisions. You can't ever know what would happen in the alternate universe where you made a different decisions. It is interesting to think about though.

I'll take my time anywhere
Free to speak my mind anywhere
And I'll redefine anywhere, anywhere I roam
Where I lay my head is home
May 11, 2020 at 9:06am
May 11, 2020 at 9:06am
#983308
Artist: The Shins
Song: Young Pilgrims
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Look at a picture from your younger years. You don’t have to share the photo with us, but try to describe it in as much detail as possible. What led up to the photo being taken and what happened after?


I wasn't sure how to answer this prompt because I don't have any photographs from my youth. But then I realized it just said "younger years" which could technically be, like, last year. *Laugh* It was a younger year, yeah?

I have a photograph from my wedding day. The photo is me with my grandfather on one side and my grandmother on the other. We're all dressed really nice, which if you know us, is different than normal because all three of us usually wore t-shirts and jeans all the time. My grandmother is wearing a kind of olive green business suit with black accents. My grandfather is even wearing a tie. *Shock*

Before the start of the ceremony, the photographer had my family members come back to the private dressing area and take photos with me. All of the pictures are special to me, but this one especially so. I was the only grandchild whose wedding my grandmother was able to attend. I got married very young and my grandmother passed away a couple years later.

Since then, both of my brothers have gotten married and they obviously weren't able to share their wedding with her, so I feel fortunate that I was able to have her there. My grandmother was an amazing, kind, and gentle person. *Heart* I don't know what I would have done without her and my grandfather as a kid, but I'm guessing I would have turned out much worse.

The photos from my wedding are also important to me because I don't really remember that day. My anxiety beforehand was so severe that I got really messed up. I didn't have cold feet. It was just the whole ceremony part of it and having both families together in one place that caused me to panic a bit.

It's bittersweet now to see these photos. On one hand, I'm happy to have them. On the other hand, it's a little sad that I couldn't be 'present' for such a big event in my life. But, to focus on the positive, at least I got to share that experience with my grandmother.

I fell into a winter slide
And ended up the kind of kid who goes down chutes too narrow
May 10, 2020 at 12:10am
May 10, 2020 at 12:10am
#983198
Artist: Modest Mouse
Song: Float On
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: The prompt today is very simple: Tell us a story about the person you call Mom.


Hmm, well, I guess simple is subjective. *Laugh* Thanks for the reminder that it's mother's day for the States people!

My mom is a complex character. I have mad respect for her. She was the first person in her entire family to go to college. She got a master's degree with a perfect GPA despite her own parents trying to thwart her every effort to break the cycle of low paying factory work.

Now she has three kids who all have college degrees. I can say without a doubt that she's the person who instilled the importance of education in me. She was very blunt about the way the world works and what needs to be done to fit into it.

That being said, she isn't what you would stereotypically think of as a "mom". She is in no way motherly. She isn't warm. She traveled a lot for work when I was a kid. She'd be gone for days or weeks at a time. I don't think she ever missed her kids, or if she did, she certainly never expressed that.

She's just sincerely not an emotional person. I remember her breaking down in a hotel room once when I was like 13, and I was just thinking, "Shit, what do I do?" Because I'd never really seen her be emotional before.

We did hang out quite a bit. Just the two of us would go see movies on the weekend, have lunch, go shopping, or whatever. She was chill to hang out with because she was the primary money maker in my family and she enjoyed spending it on movie tickets or whatever. There was no thought given to it.

But I don't understand her as a person, I guess.

Despite having this Type A personality, she did nothing to protect me as a kid. I remember looking at her sometimes and just wondering how she could be this strong, take-no-shit kind of person but feel no need to step in at any point.

I see my niece running outside and I get anxiety. Like, I want to go scoop her up and protect her because I'm afraid she's going to trip and scrape her knee. So it's almost worse for me as an adult to be like, how do you not have that instinct to protect?

One thing that stands out to me, I think about it occasionally, is a conversation I witnessed when I was sixteen. I was having lunch with my mom and her co-workers. They were talking about me leaving home (although the phrase 'kicked out' wasn't used specifically) and my mom's co-worker said, "Aren't you going to miss him though? My daughter is going to college in the fall and I cry every time I think about it." And my mom, deadpan and cold as ice, responded with, "Not really. I haven't thought about it."

Not really. *Rolling*

Can you imagine being so indifferent to your own kid?

Either way, these days I get called cold on a fairly regular basis. I'm just surrounded by walls and, to keep everything in place, my brain emotionally shuts off. I don't know how to turn my emotions back on. They mostly just build up until they explode through the cracks in the walls.

And then I'm told I'm like my dad. *Laugh*

Don't worry even if things end up a bit
Too heavy we'll all float on alright
May 9, 2020 at 12:04am
May 9, 2020 at 12:04am
#983118
Artist: Joy Division
Song: Disorder
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Choose an event in your life that someone else remembers differently. Describe both memories and debate the differences. Who do you think is right? Why do you think you remember it differently?


So, here's something that happened.

Once upon a time several years ago, my older brother met his now wife. After they were dating a while, he came to me and said, "I really like this girl. I want to introduce her to the family, but I do not, under any circumstance, want her to know anything negative about our childhood. I've made peace with things. I want her to like our parents and be comfortable having her children around them if we end up having children. So, please, please, if you love me at all, don't mention anything bad that happened."

Well, what can you say?

I told him I think this is a very bad idea. I think it's normal to have some negativity in your childhood, and if it ever comes out, she's going to feel like you took away her right to form realistic opinions and then make rational choices based on those opinions.

But still, he said that if he was ever ready to talk about anything related to that, he would share it with her at his own pace. Of course, I agreed to this thinking that it's not my place to tell someone else's story. And also thinking that he would at some point become more comfortable with the relationship.

Well, let me tell you, it has been years now. Married, kids, everything. Not a single negative word about our parents. It's an admirable effort, but it creates some issues.

For example, it's actually very difficult to NEVER mention anything that could be deemed negative. It's not like I met her and said, "Hi, I'm Charlie, so I'll start with some of the lighter trauma as an appetizer before we really dig deep." Of course not. I have also made a valiant effort. But here's an example of how difficult this can be.

Last year we had dinner at my brother's house. I was thanking my sister-in-law for making all the vegetables as we were sitting down to eat because I really love them. She then told me about how her parents made her and her siblings choose 3 vegetables that they'd be willing to eat as a kid and then they'd have one of those vegetables with dinner each night. She hated cauliflower, but loved carrots, so that was often her vegetable with dinner.

She then asked me if my parents were strict about having us eat vegetables, and the truth just poured out naturally. I told here that yeah, my parents were strict with pretty much any food they served. You just took what you got or you'd be staring at it until bedtime.

I didn't mean for this to sound abusive or traumatic in any way. It isn't a gripe I have with my parents. But she said, "Aw, Charlie, you had to eat it even if you didn't like it?"

My brother was sitting across from me at the table, and this was his exact face:
ಠ_ಠ

He quickly said, "No, if you really didn't want it, they would make us something else."

Now, this could not be further from the truth. But I looked at him and he was looking at me like:
ಠ_ಠ

So then I said, "Of course, if you really didn't want it you could just have something else."

The point of my story is that sometimes people believe alternative versions of memories. Whether it's to protect themselves or to protect others, for better or for worse. There have been a few small instances over the years, but what really got me was when my brother and I were alone and he pulled a similar stunt. He kept correcting me on a memory I had to the extent that I went and asked other family members if I was misremembering.

I think he has pushed this shit so far down inside for years that even he is starting to believe his alternative history. I think he started doing it so his girlfriend wouldn't hate his parents when she met them. But I think it has morphed. I think the alternative version is better. It feels better to "remember" it. He so badly wants to move on that he pretends there's nothing to move on from.

That's where memories are finicky. Who's technically right? Probably the person who is remembering accurately. But people do what they need to do to move on in their own way, and it's difficult to call that wrong.

Who is right, who can tell,
And who gives a damn right now
May 8, 2020 at 8:06am
May 8, 2020 at 8:06am
#983065
Artist: Blind Pilot
Song: The Story I Heard
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Take a look at this list of values  

Pick your top ten values and rank them based on how important they are to you. Then, write about the values you chose and if any have changed throughout your life.


I'm not feeling great today. Are you ever not sure if you're getting sick or if your soul is just tired? That's me all day today. Which is also why I'm behind on commenting for yesterday's entries. I'll catch up though. *Heart*

Anyway, I'll jump right in with my Top 10 Values:

1. Resilience.
First thing I noticed is that a lot of words on this list are synonyms, so I tried to pick things that cover a few different values at once. Resilience tops my list today, especially at a time like this where all of us must practice resilience. Life is incredibly difficult. You have to be able to roll with it and bounce back, even especially when it feels impossible.

2. Integrity.
Integrity covers so many things... Honesty, consistency in upholding your values, accountability, responsibility, humility. None of these lists of values would exist without the integrity to adhere to them, right?

3. Awareness.
Also see: cognizance. I'm opinionated about people who lack self-awareness or who are willfully ignorant. It's a big pet peeve of mine. You should constantly be educating and informing yourself. You should be changing your opinions in light of new information. This is a difficult one for people to grasp which is why it's so high on my list.

4. Empathy.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. I've been told that I have trouble expressing empathy in the past, but I swear, it's there. Usually in situations where I'm supposed to be empathetic, I actually feel the other person's feelings so much that my own feelings get in the way. For example, the other person is angry about something and I become enraged on their behalf, which isn't always what's needed. I also think the world would be so much less cruel if empathy were a priority.

5. Passion.
I've mentioned it before, but I love people who are passionate about things. I never understood that "nothing is cool so that makes me cool" vibe that some people have going on. I think it's awesome when someone is excited and talking super fast about something because they're just so passionate about it. I find it to be so endearing.

6. Intuitiveness.
Gotta trust your intuition. I don't know how many bad situations could be avoided if people listened to their gut feelings. That subconscious thinking where you form a natural response is so telling of how you should proceed.

7. Open-mindedness.
I have an inability to get along with people who aren't open-minded. You have to be able to step outside of yourself and recognize that other people come from a different place than you. They have different backgrounds, different cultures, different experiences. When I see someone just mentally shut down because they don't want to acknowledge something that doesn't fit neatly into their expectations, it's infuriating.

8. Consistency.
I have a big issue with unpredictability. I dealt with it my entire childhood and I don't have any interest in dealing with it as an adult. I need consistency in the people around me and there's nothing more frustrating than a friend or relationship that lacks consistency. Hot/cold/hot/cold ad nauseam.

9. Health.
Mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, financial. Whatever it may be, it should probably be #1 on this list because it hands down is the driving force behind your quality of life.

10. Self-Control.
As someone with borderline personality disorder, this is something I have to actively work at on a daily basis. I frequently have that "I'm going to burn my whole life down" feeling, and I'm slowly (like, epically slowly) learning to step back and let these intense moments pass before reacting.


As far as my top ten changing through life. Of course they have. In fact, if I wrote for this prompt in 24 hours, things on this list would probably change. There are so many important values in life that narrowing them down to a list of ten and sticking with that list for a long time seems unlikely, at least for me.

I will say that when I was younger, my top values would have been things like loyalty, dependability, respect, fairness, etc. If you notice, the difference is that when I was younger, I was very reliant on other people so I needed them to be loyal and dependable. As I get older, those things are less important because I've become relatively self-sufficient. I don't need someone to respect me or show me fairness. I've become a lot more inwardly focused on my own growth.

In fact, the only thing I really ask from others at this point as it directly relates to me is to be consistent. If you hate me, hate me consistently. If you love me, love me consistently. I don't care which you choose, but don't flip the script on me.

One of these mornings,
Will be the loudest you hear.
You'll write your story on firecracker paper,
And disappear.
May 7, 2020 at 12:30am
May 7, 2020 at 12:30am
#982946
Artist: Modern Baseball
Song: Apartment
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Start your entry today with the words: “I used to believe...”


I used to believe that...

*Bullet*people were all good. Sincerely. The whole time I was growing up, I thought people were all well-meaning and, even if someone did something bad, their good outweighed it. I think this was instilled in me through religion or my parents. I'm not sure. Either way, it's a dangerous precedent to set with kids because then when someone does something bad to you, you're like, oh but they're probably a good person still.

*Bullet*a nickel was worth more than a dime. I mean, they are bigger. I remember trading my older brother 5 dimes for 3 nickels. I thought I was getting a good deal. That bastard. *Laugh*

*Bullet*quicksand was a major issue. When I was a kid, I thought a lot about how I was going to handle it when I inevitably stepped into quicksand. Quickly realized that isn’t a major life problem as an adult.

*Bullet*people at a company were all competent. I thought this as recently as December. *Meh* When I graduated and started my job, I was thinking there was no way I’d ever be as competent as my coworkers. Didn’t take too long to realize that everyone is confused and 90% of our time is spent trying to figure out what’s happening... even for people who have worked there for years.

*Bullet*everyone lived next to their grandparents. Growing up, I lived next to my grandparents so I just assumed that everyone’s neighbor was their grandparents when I was a young kid. This lead to many confusing situations, such as: “Why do you need a babysitter? Why can’t you just go to your grandparents? Oh, they live in Arizona and we live in Maine? That’s weird.” And another classic, “Why is that guy complaining about his neighbors? He doesn’t like his grandparents?” *Confused*

I walk home with my eyes low
Dreaming up conversations we'll have tomorrow
May 6, 2020 at 7:45am
May 6, 2020 at 7:45am
#982886
Artist: Fever Ray
Song: Keep The Streets Empty For Me
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Write about an object you own that has negligible monetary value, but is priceless to you.


Good question, Em. I'm looking forward to seeing what people say for this one. I know the answer for me is pretty easy— my journals.

I mean, how much is a composition notebook? 50 cents? A dollar? But these journals are my lifeline to my past. Yeah, I blog here, but I go way more in-depth in my journals, of course. There I can use specific names and situations to describe what's going on with me at the time and it's really important for me to have that connection to my history.

The sad thing is, I moved so much that I lost almost all of my childhood journals. I had been keeping them since age 7. Sometimes I think of these lost journals and I physically cringe at the thought of them getting randomly found and read by a stranger. There was so much intimate detail in them. All of my childhood fears, worries, anxieties, and insecurities were laid bare in those pages. Now, if I'm lucky, they're just decomposing in a landfill somewhere. Maybe they got burned? That would actually be preferable.

I'll tell you all a little bit about the journals I possess still. There are more than these ones, but they're the first that come to mind and kind of highlight my life a bit.

Age 11-12 Childhood Journal
I do have a journal still with me from this time period. This one I'm so lucky to still have because while writing in my journal one night, I started self injuring, which is something I've done since I was eleven. So this cutting thing was new to me at the time. Anyway, I went to deep on it and ended up bleeding on my journal. So this one quite literally has my blood, sweat, and tears in it.

After moving and realizing I'd lost a lot of journals along the way, I was so happy to find this one because the thought of someone else finding it and seeing my blood in it along with this discovery and love for self injuring that I developed around that time was deeply humiliating to me.

Age 16 Dropout Journal
I also have a journal that I was keeping when I dropped out of high school at sixteen. I would write in my journal during class, so I have an entry for pretty much every weekday of my sophomore year until I left and then the journal ends quite abruptly there. The most notable thing about this journal is that it's just a 5-subject notebook that I was meant to be using for school notes. So you can actually see my progression between writing normal geometry notes and then writing my personal journal.

The one word I would use to sum up this journal is angry.

I was very angry with the world at this time. Angry with my parents, angry with my situation, angry with things that had happened to me.

Also, I was somehow super arrogant in this journal. I was like the sassiest 16 year old on earth. I knew at the time that I was going to get kicked out and I was going to leave school, but my entries are like, "I'm still going to go to college at 18. I still matter and I don't need anyone to validate that. I'm awesome and I'm gonna prove it and then the world can suck my dick."

Paraphrasing there, but that's the level of naïveté I entered the world with. I read it now and I'm like, okay, little charlie, give it a decade. *Rolling*

Age 17-22 What Is Happening Journal
This is where my entries become very sporadic. I'd say over 75% of the entries are me complaining about basic things like, "Really hungry today. I feel like my ribs are caving in. Like there's nothing inside." Followed up by an entry two weeks later about how I got rent money. Then a month later an entry about withdrawal and being sick. Then nothing for 3 months only to add another entry about being hungry.

Just... not a great time. I don't read these journals much. I have a main one that spans this time, but I also have several others where I've misplaced the main journal. So nothing is linear or organized in that five year period really.

Age 23-27 College Journal
I wasn't great at chronicling my college years, which is a shame because I worked through a lot of stuff during that time and I would like to see my progression. I was probably too busy doing homework though, so I'll give myself a pass. I do have a journal for that time period. A lot of the entries discuss my anxieties and apprehensions around upcoming exams, what I'll do after school, etc.

But this is also the first journal where I really acknowledge my mental health issues. Sure, I'd write about a lot of things when I was younger, but I hadn't yet identified those as mental health issues, let alone naming and freely discussing them. Those younger journals are more just describing the feelings whereas this journal delves into the science and what's actually happening in my brain due to these specific disorders.

Age 28 Pandemic Journal
Yep, you read that right! You best believe I've been writing about this pandemic in my journal since January. It was intended to be a "Post-Grad/First Job Of My Career" journal. I mentioned the coronavirus back in January, just in passing a couple times. Mostly I was writing about my new job role, adjusting to post-college, adjusting to a 9-5, missing my school friends. Ya know, normal shit.

That sure as hell changed quickly. All of my entries since the end of February now start with case/death numbers. It's startling to see how quick that went from like "2" to "2000". Anyway, I figure it's a pretty big event in my life so I might as well capture as much of it as I can and how I reacted/felt along the way.


So, yeah, that's a little trip down memory lane with my journals. Pen and paper costs almost nothing, but those memories are invaluable to me. I struggle to remember things from the past. I have entire years from my childhood that are just blank. I don't want to lose any more of myself, and these journals are my active attempt to prevent that from happening.


Memory comes when memory's old
I am never the first to know
May 5, 2020 at 12:06am
May 5, 2020 at 12:06am
#982787
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]


"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Find a local news story that makes you feel something. Share the story along with your opinion on it in your blog.


Article  

I can't even express how difficult it is to find local news right now that isn't about the pandemic or crime. I mean, the crime part was always there, but really pretty much zero news stories that aren't on those two topics.

So, I found one that's related, but more positive. You can thank me later. *Pthb* I know there's a lot of articles to read today, so I'll give you the very short summary of the article I chose, and you can dig in deeper if you like:

A Chicago coffee shop that gives 100% of its proceeds to support suicide prevention and mental health education had to shut down during the COVID-19 pandemic. But Sip of Hope reopened Sunday on their two-year anniversary, and just in time for Mental Health Awareness Month.

The first paragraph of the article is actually a great summary. The idea behind Sip of Hope is that silence around mental health issues is the biggest obstacle to preventing suicide. They start that dialogue with a cup of coffee. (And their chai tea is amazing!) Their staff are also all trained in mental health aid and are very friendly. The whole place has a relaxed and calming atmosphere.

Don't worry about them reopening though-- It's 2 days a week for just a few hours and pick-up only!

Unfortunately, as with a lot of other small businesses, they're really struggling to stay afloat during these difficult times. Which brings me to what I'm actually going to talk about today...

Mental healthcare is so difficult to access, but it's possibly even more difficult to provide. Most people who are passionate about mental health issues are sufferers themselves. They want to do what's right by helping other people because they can relate and they know that accessibility is a major roadblock in recovery.

But providing mental health support is such an uphill battle. There's a general lack of funding for these types of operations. Even small, personal support group struggle to really take flight because you often have people running them who are doing the best they can, but are swamped trying to keep the group alive while dealing with financial struggles and their own mental health issues.

Fivesixer mentioned my group on Lilliy Loidd 🪔 's note here: "Note: PSA: Getting off psychiatric medications is flip..."

I've gone on and off so many psychiatric meds. I know all the ins and outs of withdrawal. I'm someone who can commiserate at the very least with these types of situations. And there are a whole bunch of other people here who I know that can relate as well.

In theory, it makes perfect sense to have a group like "Invalid Item where you can hang out and express what you're going through and have people be like, "hey, me too." Because knowing you're not alone and having that open dialogue is so important to dealing with the day-to-day experience of having mental illnesses. The struggle of trying new meds, getting off old ones, trying a new therapist, dealing with anxiety/depression, not being able to sleep, having meltdowns... all that stuff becomes a lot easier to deal with when it's "we" and not "me".

But the problem in all of it is that, for example, I closed my group during a mental health episode. ~Minja~ , bless her soul, tried to calm me down and tell me not to make any immediate decisions. She was clearly recognizing that I was having an episode, but I couldn't see that at the time because, yay, mental health issues.

It's something I've experienced on a broad scale across seeking treatment since I was a kid. You have rarely have the right ingredients to make mental health support things work. You have to basically have a unicorn running operations. Someone who has personal experience dealing with mental health issues and has struggled immensely (because it's painfully obvious when they haven't), and yet, not someone who struggles so much that they're going to flip the table over and run out of the room.

Reading through Sip of Hope's webpage, I can only feel saddened by my own experiences with mental health organizations. Sometimes you have something good going, but you're like one economical misstep from not being able to operate because your purpose is not profiting, but bettering society and giving a voice or connection to people who are struggling.

It's a noble cause, but I've seen so many of these types of things just slowly bleed out. I've volunteered at these non-profits, many of them really, and it's almost always a monthly struggle to maintain the organization, even with everyone volunteering for free. Because providing these services and resources aren't free. They cost— financially, physically, and mentally.

I wonder all the time when we'll see a spotlight on mental healthcare. I think so many people are struggling now with everything that's going on. I've heard friends who have never had issues with anxiety telling me that they're having nightmares, having weird on-and-off again physical symptoms, having feelings of dread that wash over them randomly. These are things that people with mental health issues deal with daily, regardless of whether or not there is a pandemic.

Even though hope is a dangerous thing, my hope would be that ultimately when all of this is said and done, once a treatment is proven effective and a vaccine has been administered, that we can look back at the desperation, anxiety, and depression so many have felt during this time and recognize that more emphasis needs to be put on those who feel like that all.the.time.

I know, I know the nations past
I know, I know they rust at last
They tremble with the nervous thought
Of having been, at last, forgot

May 4, 2020 at 12:05am
May 4, 2020 at 12:05am
#982703
Artist: Coldplay
Song: Don't Panic
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Describe your cooking or baking ability. What was the last thing you cooked/baked that you were proud of? Are you a recipe-follower or freestyler?


I'm having a difficult end to my weekend, panic-wise. I know my meds will kick in soon, but man, what a difficult time for everyone. I know I'm supposed to stay on topic. It's hard.

I'm so disturbed by the things I've seen this weekend. Protests with no social distancing in place at all, no masks. People with rifles. People with signs that have swastikas on them. People waving confederate flags. What in the fuck is happening to this country.

Even people here on WDC are posting in the newsfeed about opening everything up. I'm not saying they're wrong, I'm just genuinely confused. I feel like I'm being gaslighted. I'm seeing this disease spread. I've been watching it since January. I haven't seen cases decreasing outside of a decrease in day over day growth in a select few areas with strict stay at home orders. There isn't evidence that most places have even hit the peak of the first wave.

It was like at some point last week, the country went, "Yawn, this is boring now, I'm over it."

I do understand that we can't stay quarantined forever. I understand that people are out of work and that small businesses are suffering. I guess what I'm confused by is where people are getting the idea that A) small businesses are going to thrive while operating during a pandemic, and B) the virus isn't going to rapidly spread and kill hundreds of thousands of people and hurt the economy more/create more strict lockdowns.

I'm perfectly willing to admit that I have no idea what's going to happen, but it's like we're looking at two different datasets to draw conclusions from, and it's very unsettling. I don't know why everyone else seems so sure in their beliefs. People have such confidence as though they're at once economists, doctors, and epidemiologists. There is an extremely delicate balance here between loss of life and loss of livelihood. Obviously, difficult decisions have to be made at some point, but when is the question.

I wish that people would at least acknowledge that there's a possibility that it's too soon to be out in the streets screaming about wanting a haircut. Some of the things I've heard people say is just absolutely devoid of soul. For example, I heard someone say, "Most of the people dying are older so they would've died pretty soon anyway."

I mean... what in the fuck? This is such a cold and heartless thing to say about the roughly 47 million citizens in our country who are over 65 years old.

My point is, and I swear, I'm wrapping it up... My point is that the things you say and your actions right now will be remembered. I feel terribly for the people who are out of jobs, and I think we should be able to lean on our government more to take care of its people. I'm not saying that restrictions should never be eased on a case-by-case basis. But I won't soon forget the people who have had apathetic, callous attitudes toward their countrymen because the needs of others don't align with their personal needs.

We are all making sacrifices for the greater good. Certainly the world's "greatest" country should be more willing to recognize that.


And with that, I can talk about cooking. I just needed to get that off of my chest in my anxiety-fueled state. This is the perfect prompt to do it on though, because I'm a terrible cook and somehow an even worse eater. I mean, I hesitate to say that I'm a terrible cook because in reality what I mean is that I've never tried.

I'm perfectly happy throwing some vegetables in a bowl and calling it a salad or cutting up fruit and cheese and calling it lunch. I can do a little baking, but I'm definitely a recipe follower. I wouldn't even know where to start if I didn't have a recipe to follow. It's wild to me that some people can just think of something they want to bake and make it from scratch without follow a recipe every step of the way.

Kira makes mediterranean food frequently because it's something we'll both eat. I'm a bit of a picky eater and that works well because there is a lot of vegetarian mediterranean food. My typical day of food will be something like greek yogurt with blueberries or strawberries and granola oats for breakfast, greek salad with feta cheese and chickpeas for lunch, and then maybe a veggie sandwich with hummus, cucumbers, and other vegetables for dinner.

As you can see, these things don't really require too much actually cooking. It's more just slicing the vegetables and stuff like that. If I actually have to cook something, it rarely turns out good. *Laugh* The last thing I cooked that I enjoyed was probably chocolate turtle brownies. I do like caramel and chocolate. Of course, I made them from a box and followed all of the instructions. *Bigsmile*


So, there we go. End on a positive note. Sorry for the ranting, but I'm going to leave it in here. I'm allowed to have my little breakdowns. I clearly need help understanding because I'm not grasping things very well right now.

Bones sinking like stones
All that we've fought for
Homes, places we've grown
All of us are done for
May 3, 2020 at 12:02am
May 3, 2020 at 12:02am
#982608
Artist: Cigarettes After Sex
Song: Truly
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: What do you do you relax and unwind in the evening? Paint us a picture of your ideal relaxation.


Relax in the evening. Haaaaaaaa.

This is a funny one for me because it's impossible for me to relax during the evening. During my last couple years of college, I developed nighttime anxiety, probably because that was the only time I wasn't actively at school or studying. It became my 'thinking' time and I started to dread it.

Even though I graduated in December, I haven't been able to break the habit of nighttime anxiety, which really sucks because I actually love when it's dark out. I can't enjoy it anymore though. I either spend my evenings running around in a desperate attempt to distract myself or I spend them staving off panic attacks. Mostly the latter lately because of social distancing and everything that's going on.

I do have some things I've tried to use to unwind, with varying degrees of success:

         — Playing video games/watching movies. These can help to an extent, depending on whether or not I'm actually into what I'm doing. If it's a really good video game that I'm involved in, it can be a pretty good distraction. Sometimes I've got 70 minutes left in a movie and I'm like, fuck, I'm trapped here watching this shitty movie... which increases anxiety a bit.

         — Drawing. Took this up in the hospital because there was art therapy time or whatever. I'm not very good at it, but it is a good wind down after work. I usually draw for a little bit between work and dinner.

         —Sex. This isn't to be vulgar. This is a legit relaxation attempt. You ever have sex just for the dopamine hit you know you're gonna get when you finish? I'm not even horny, I just need to release some dopamine.

         —Music. Actually hit play on today's song if you haven't. This band is very relaxing. They also combine well with the above, if you didn't catch that from their band name.

         —Medication. Sometimes you just gotta go all in on the meds. Fast-acting anxiety meds like xanax or klonopin are legit for relaxing quickly. This method is also known as Can't Be Wound Up If You're Unconscious. It's very effective.

         —Reading. I read things that are traditionally 'boring' before bed to try to sleep. You know, something like a straight up history textbook. But then I just started getting really into history because it turns out that it's super interesting. And it's not actually relaxing at all because a whole shitload of it is horrifying.

         —Writing. There's a reason I prefer to write my entries on the night the prompt comes out. Having something to focus on and complete right before trying to sleep helps me finish the day on an accomplishment, no matter how small.


So, yeah, I dunno. Nighttime is rough. I don't know if it's my 'ideal' relaxation, but history has shown that my evening relaxation goes like: draw for a bit, watch a movie or play a video game. Still not unwound, have sex (sometimes). Listen to some music, browse the internet. Meds time because the sex dopamine wore off really fast. Race to finish an entry (if I'm blogging) before the meds kick in. If I'm still conscious, read a bit while passing out and have some fucked up dream about Mussolini and Ethiopia.

Zen as fuck, right? *Rolling*

Truly, know that you really don't need
To be in love to make love to me

May 2, 2020 at 7:58am
May 2, 2020 at 7:58am
#982556
Artist: The Cars
Song: Just What I Needed
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: What one fictional character would most like to meet and talk to? Why? What would you like to ask?


Day 2. My blogging streak is officially longer than The_Cavity has wisdom teeth! 's. *Rolling* This is a good question, by the way, Em!

But how can I choose just one? All of the movies I watch, books I read, and video games I play, have left me with a lot of favorite fictional characters. But, I don't really have anything I'd like to ask these characters. I don't even want to meet them because I want them to exist in my mind as they are now where I have control over who they are. *Pthb*

I do have some characters I look up to or quotes I love by them. I'll make a quick list, just for funsies.

Life lessons from fictional characters

Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

Yes, they ruined the television series. *Laugh* But forgetting that for a moment, Tyrion Lannister had some of the best and most memorable lines. My favorite is: "Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armour and it can never be used to hurt you."

I love this quote because it's a reminder not to push aside the things that make you "defective" in the hopes of hiding them and appearing "normal." It's never going to work anyway, so you must own who you are and learn to be comfortable with yourself.


Any trekkies?

I actually don’t watch start trek at all, which will explain why I don’t even know which fictional character this next quote comes from, but it’s one of my favorites: ”Survival is insufficient.” Now, I don’t know the context of this quote, but when someone quoted it to me, I fell in love with the saying, and I’ve used it frequently on myself when I’m getting too content.

Simply 'surviving' through life isn't enough. Sometimes it's your only choice for the time being, but whenever possible, you have to aim for something higher. I'm reminded of another quote by one of my favorite poets, Buddy Wakefield, "There is life after survival." My later twenties have been all about learning to actually live my life rather than just survive feral-eyed and out of my mind from one shitty situation to the next. It's a work in progress, but I want to be more than someone who just got through things.


Andy Bernard, The Office

He's kind of an annoying character in the show at times, but he does have some really good moments. My favorite quote of his in the show is, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." This quote reminds me to be present in the moment and appreciative for what I have now. It’s too easy to find yourself wishing your time away, only to look back and realize it would have been a good time in your life if you’d only paid attention.


Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes has some really great quotes. I loved the books as a kid. One of my favorite lines comes from Calvin's mother: "Unfortunately, we're all 'someone else' to someone else" in the context of things that seem like they would happen to someone else, not to you.

I'll leave the entry on this note. You always have to be careful in life. This pandemic is a perfect example of that. You always think someone else is going to be affected by these things... but you are someone else to everyone else in the world. Be careful. Take care of yourself. Take precautionary measures whenever possible. Stay safe. *Heart*


I guess you're just what I needed
May 1, 2020 at 2:07am
May 1, 2020 at 2:07am
#982450
Artist: We Are Scientists
Song: After Hours
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS Prompt: Tell us something uplifting! We need good news now more than ever. What is something positive that happened or is about to happen in your life? What has made you smile recently?

First of all, I'm just excited to see so many people signed up to 30DBC this month. There are a lot of new faces, old faces, and even faces I dragged in kicking and screaming just because I enjoy blogging with them. *Laugh* Let's have a good month together. I'll try not to be too emotional/offensive (because I have a tendency to be both). *Heartv*

I guess that’s the first bit of uplifting news! We have another monthly challenge upon us where we can write with old friends and get to know new ones. *Smile*

Good news is absolutely in short supply now, but despite my previous ranting and my currently unstable mental health status, I do have a lot to be thankful for.

As most of you know, I graduated college in December and managed to land a really good role in my field straight away. That job is still going well even with everything else going on. My job hasn’t been affected yet (knock on wood) by everything that’s happening. In fact, my work flow is smoother than ever. My coworkers and I really like being able to share our screen with each other to work through things together virtually without risking getting each other sick.

My work-life balance has also become a lot easier to manage without the morning and evening commute, plus the time spent getting ready in the morning. No, I’m not one of those people who wakes up early every morning and gets ready for work from home to put me in the “work” mood. *Wink* I’m enjoying my extra hour and a half of sleep.

On top of that, I’m moving soon and I’m pretty excited about it. My current place holds a lot of memories because I’ve been here for quite a while. I did most of my schooling here though, so I think it’s a good idea to move on from that place where I panicked through university.

The new place is a bit bigger so we’ll have a little more space that we’ve been needing for a while. Plus, it’s in a quieter neighborhood. So we’re looking forward to that. You see, my wife’s best friend lives with us and we have been managing for many years with only one bathroom. One bathroom! I think they each spend about 4 hours a day in the bathroom so you see why having a second one is good news! *Laugh*

Other than that, I’m just trying to stay positive. Trying not to let my anxiety and fears get in the way of the things I need to get done a day-to-day basis. Work and life don’t come to a standstill for anything really. It’s easy for me to say this when I have the ability work from home, but I’ll be an utter wreck when I have to return to the office.

In the meantime, just appreciative that my friends and family are healthy and being very safe during this time. And, of course, happy to be able to share another month of blogging with you all. *Smile*

We're finally drunk enough that
We're finally soaking up
The hours that everyone else throws away


14 Entries · *Magnify*
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