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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Halsey Song: Ghost [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  "JAFBG"  Prompt: Have you ever been ghosted or ghosted someone else? Tell us the story. I can't let the last day of the month go un-blogged! Gotta fill my little calendar.  Broadly speaking, I think ghosting someone is super shitty. But as with anything, there are certain situations that are understandable when it comes to ghosting. I've been ghosted way more frequently than I've ghosted someone else, but there are a few things I've collected over time about the act of ghosting. There are different 'types' of ghosts: The sudden ghost. This is by far the worst one to be on the receiving end of. You talk to someone on a regular basis, you're close, no fighting or anything... and then suddenly *poof* No communication, no explanation. Just deafening silence. This one can be downright confusing. I've had people do this without even blocking me anywhere. I can still message them, call them, they just simply don't respond. The reason this one is so confusing is that it comes out of nowhere and it takes a while for you to actually realize you're being ghosted. At first, you're thinking something might have happened to them, so you don't stop trying to contact them right away. At first you're just like "hey, what's up?" When they don't respond, you might message back a day or two later like, "Hey, you good?" No response again, so several days later you might be like, "Getting a little worried about you, please hit me up when you get this." It's a sudden ghost, but it's a slow realization that you're being ghosted, and it's a shitty thing to do to someone without explanation. I've had this happen a few times where the person did reconnect with me months or years later and they're like, "Oh, nothing specific happened. You didn't do anything wrong. I just was worried about your mental health/couldn't handle being close to you." And it's like okay...? You could have mentioned that to me. I feel like such an asshole when this happens because I'm embarrassing myself by repeatedly trying to make contact with someone before realizing they're intentionally trying to get me to go the fuck away. The fading ghost. I'd say this one is more frequent in my experience. The person doesn't just suddenly drop off the face of the earth during the fading ghost. Instead, they slip through your fingers slowly. The number 1 scenario where this happens involves the person getting into a relationship. Throughout my 20s, a lot of my friends have began to get into serious relationships and settle down. I totally respect people's need to spend time with their significant other and build those relationships, but damn, I'll never get used to the fading ghost. You go from talking to someone everyday or several times a day to just like the briefest of contact every few weeks and then eventually every few months. Then all of a sudden you've not talked to them in 8 months or 2 years. I don't relate to this because I got married at the beginning of my 20s and Kira has always been very willing to let me have my independence to make friends and keep up contact with my old friends. You can be friends with someone for 5 years, they go on one date and you're just totally meaningless now. "How'd the date go?" "Date went good!" Then they're actually dating and their communication with you becomes less and less. They take days to respond to a simple message that they've been answering in half an hour for the past 5 years. You want to give them their space, so you stop messaging as frequently. Then eventually, whether it's a couple weeks or a couple months into their relationship, they just simply don't respond at all. So you back all the way up and don't contact them again for like 6 months or a year. They might respond then, briefly, but the conversation has no legs. And... *poof I've grown tired of the fading ghost. I've decided that if I'm not worth talking to because someone's started a new relationship, then that person isn't my friend and likely never was. They were using me to fill a void, likely because they were bored and they know I'm a talkative/communicative person. At this point, I won't try with the fading ghost anymore, and I'm about 95% sure that any of my single friends who get into a relationship will drop me like I'm on fire. The legitimate ghost. That being said, there are times where it's completely legit to ghost someone. Ideally, if you want to end communication with someone, you can be mature enough to explain why so that the other person can move on with their life. Although, I have a theory that both the fading ghost and sudden ghost as described above don't actually want you to move on. They want you waiting on the back burner just in case they need you again for anything. The legitimate ghost is different. The legitimate ghost is reserved for when you actually fucked up and you don't deserve that person in your life anymore. With the legitimate ghost, you can almost always pinpoint what you did wrong. There was a huge fight or something. The other person is just fed up and done with you. I've had this happen a few times and I've been on the receiving and giving end of it. One time I was on the receiving end, I was talking to this girl when we were in high school and I liked her, but couldn't really tell if she liked me. At one point, we were at a house party and she was talking a lot with this other dude, so I took that to mean she wasn't into me. However, with our drunken teenage hormones lit up, her best friend came onto me and we hooked up. This girl was apparently furious that I did this, although she never confronted me about it. But, alas... *poof* I've also legitimately ghosted people when I didn't want to have an actual discussion about why I was cutting them out of my life, usually because it was an abusive or dangerous situation. In that case, I don't really owe you an explanation and I'm not going to risk giving you one. All of that being said though, you don't ever necessarily owe anyone anything. You should have the freedom to choose for yourself whether you want to talk to a person or not, and you have a right to exercise that freedom however you see fit. But if the other person really didn't do anything to you, it's just not a good look to suddenly or slowly disappear and leave them wondering what they did to deserve it. My ghost, where'd you go? What happened to the soul that you used to be? |
Artist: System of a Down Song: B.Y.O.B [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Congratulations on making it to the last day of the competition! What was your favorite prompt from the last month? What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition?Yay, we made it!  This is the first full round I've finished in... I don't know how long. I usually end up dropping out before the halfway point due to work/life. I tend to enjoy the prompts that are thought-provoking because it makes reading other people's entries a lot more interesting. I'm thinking prompts like "What's your favorite color" vs. prompts that delve into some philosophical, deeper thinking stuff. So, first of all, a couple of the prompts this month were mine from past "List 3 prompts for the War Chest" prompts. For example:  Describe your sense of humor. Is it dark, sarcastic, slapstick, silly, or something else? Do you have any favorite comedians? Have you ever boycotted a company or product? If so, tell us the story. If not, what would a company have to do for you to boycott its products? were both from "Invalid Entry" by {suser_id:}. Of course I won't list those as my favorites for the month.  Instead, here were some of my other favorites:Prompt: Write about an invention or technology that you wish existed that would make your life better. I only listed this prompt because we HAVE to figure out how many of us are left-handed. Sumojo  mentioned wanting more left-handed gadgets in "Gadgets" which led to all of us lefties jumping into the comments to agree. I can't believe how many of us are lefties???I'm left-handed. Here's entry where I complained about people asking if I'm left-handed while I'm writing with my left hand. "Invalid Entry" But also, bobturn, Lostwordsmith  , tah2o, Kåre Enga in Udon Thani  , Cappucine  , Alexi  (?)Lefties are just running things on WDC apparently! Who would've guessed??  Prompt: When did you first start blogging? (anywhere, not necessarily on WDC) Why? What did you blog about? (subjects, topics, personal news, etc.) Has your blogging style changed since you began? I loooooved this prompt. Here's my entry for it: "Invalid Entry" I didn't love it because of my entry though. I loved it because it's always so interesting for me to hear about the history of people. A lot of our group members started basically an online diary when they were younger to cope with whatever was going on in their lives and that was their first foray into blogging. Other people went from handwriting in journals to blogging online in a similar style.Whatever the story, I really enjoyed reading everyone's entries for that prompt. It was cool to see some people post their WDC blogs from like 15 or 20 years ago. I hope I still have mine here in 2040 to look back at.  Prompt: Is there such a thing as “unbiased reporting?” (Consider not just journalism, but storytelling - is it possible to tell a story without bias?) This was another prompt that got us to dig a little deeper. I really enjoyed reading everyone's perspectives on biases in reporting. I think this is an especially important discussion in 2020 because your news source can mean everything. I mean, with the current pandemic, it can literally be the difference between life and death. If you get all of your news from stay-at-home moms on Facebook who are peddling essential oils as healing potions for COVID-19, then you could quite literally lose your life. If you listen to people who are engaged in anti-mask, anti-vaccine propaganda, you could actively be killing people. So I can't really think of a more pressing topic. There were also a lot of unique angles at which people went at this prompt. I know a lot of people aren't comfortable getting political and I respect that. So it was interesting to see how people handled the prompt depending on their personal level of outspokenness about certain things. Most rewarding aspect of participating in 30DBC? For me, the most rewarding aspect of participating in 30DBC has been and always will be engaging with other bloggers. A lot of participants don't stop blogging after the 30 days are up, so I'm going to try to do a better job of staying actively engaged in their blogs even when the month is up. If you want to do the same, you should fan their blogs so you'll see when they post an entry or check out the Bloggers page frequently.I wouldn't entertain answering daily prompts in my blog if it weren't for the camaraderie of answering those prompts alongside other writers. My favorite part of the challenge is finishing my entry so I can go check out what other people are saying. I tried to diligently reply to people's entries this month and I think I responded to the vast majority of entries so that's rewarding for me. Another rewarding part of completing the month is that this is the first time I've finished the challenge since November of 2019. So... that's awesome!  Thanks for the fun month, everyone.  I'll see you around in your blogs and hopefully in mine too!You depend on our protection, yet you feed us lies from the table cloth |
Artist: Bush Song: Straight, No Chaser [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about an invention or technology that you wish existed that would make your life better.Naturally, my first thought is for things that are inconvenient around the house... A washer-dryer combo that separates and folds the clothes, self-cleaning floors, a refrigerator that automatically exposes of expired stuff. Or maybe teleportation for ultimate commuting convenience. Electronics with endless battery life... But I'm trying to think outside the box a little on some stuff that might be semi-feasible and would be totally awesome. Subscription-based therapy. Hear me out. I have a subscription-based primary care physician. Flat monthly fee and you get unlimited phone messages and appointments with your doctor. It's called concierge medicine. I've seen a few "concierge therapists" but they're extremely sketchy and if you look into them, they often don't have any actual credentials. I do think there's an idea there somewhere though, especially as someone nears the end of needing regular therapy appointments. You can set them up with a flat monthly fee for an allotted X amount of therapy hours a month and then if they need all the hours because they're having a bad month, they can use them. If they're having a good month, they might use very few hours or none at all. It's all a trade-off. An AI personal secretary service. I hate making phone calls to set up appointments or calling places to get information on their holiday hours or whatever it might be. I wish there was essentially an automated service where I could input what I want, like, "Appointment with Dr. Whoever anytime before 12pm Tuesday-Thursday of next week." Then my little robot secretary could set up the appointment for me by calling the office and then notify me of my appointment time. Yes, I'm that antisocial. Healthy sleep and food substitutes. I feel like I waste way too much time sleeping and eating. Sleeping is fun and all that, but I wish there was a healthy way to substitute it when I need to pull an all-nighter. I'm not talking caffeine pills because those aren't healthy at all. But I do wish there was basically like a self-care pill where I could be like, ugh, don't have time to eat and sleep right now, I'll just take my self-care pill. Bullshit blocker. Sometimes I see a news headline and I'm just like, "Yeah, that's bullshit..." but I don't exactly have any evidence and I also don't want to spend forever researching to prove myself right. I wish there were just like bullshit detecting glasses that we could wear and they'd just put a red line through everything that's totally fabricated or misrepresented. Would be super nice in 2020. Thought translator. You know when you're half asleep and you write a poem in your head? I wish I could just think that into fruition and save it on the cloud or something. It would be so much easier to write if I didn't have to get up and actually write. This would be also cool for when you have an interesting dream that starts slipping away from you the second you wake up. I used to try to keep a dream journal, but by the time I started writing, I'd lost the total essence of the dream. Of course, I don't want to remember 90% of my dreams, but for those special few, it would be cool.Drink life as it comes straight no chaser |
Artist: Blind Pilot Song: 3 Rounds and A Sound [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: All month, you’ve been replying to prompts straight from the Challenge War Chest, filled with prompts from previous 30DBC competitors. Today, write three of your own prompts and then reply to one of them in your entry.3 Prompts: 1. What are some stereotypes about your country/state/region/city? Are they accurate? What would you like your area to be known for? 2. What are some common movie or book tropes that you’re tired of seeing and reading? 3. Which fictional world would you love to live in? What would your role be there? I choose number 2 to answer today and I’m going to specifically talk about book tropes because I’ve been reading a lot lately. Everyone is obscenely attractive. He looked like a Greek god, jawline chiseled out of marble. She looked like the lovechild of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe, also her boobs were big. I find this to be so obnoxious. Have these writers ever, ya know, been outside...? Not everyone is so attractive that it’s their main qualifying attribute and purpose in life. They fill pages with these repetitive descriptions and it gets to the point where it’s like cool, we all wanna sleep with the main characters. They sound hot. Move on. Romanticizing mental illness. I'm happy that writers are including characters with mental health issues, but they portray it so inaccurately. Absurdly moody main character violently lashes out at the people who are trying to support him for the 600th time, but it's okay because he has a traumatic past so everyone still loves him and understands. I'm speaking from experience here. You can only lash out like that a couple of times before even the most angelic of saints is going to hit you with, "Hey, so your mental health issues don't dismiss your bad behavior and if you don't seek help immediately, I'm outta here." I mean, for real. The character will use everyone around him as an emotional punching bag and they'll still have hearts in their eyes for him. Am I not being obscenely attractive enough here? Money for nothing. Her career is painting for one hour a week, she lives in a Manhattan high rise, and she rents a 3000 square foot art studio with plenty of natural lighting and exposed ductwork. She is incredibly plain in every conceivable way (except it turns out she's obscenely attractive and just lacks confidence). Her love interest is a well-known defense attorney who drives a brand new Audi, has floor to ceiling windows, and because he's an extremely important person, he's forced to work a grueling 12 hours per week. He is so obscenely attractive that people struggle to form words in his presence. Bury your gays. Again, love seeing LGBT characters, but are writers aware that not every LGBT person has a horrible life? His parents regularly make unprovoked homophobic comments while he's in the closet. Then he comes out and his dad beats him within an inch of his life. His parents kick him out for being gay, but things look up for him briefly when he meets an obscenely attractive guy. Unfortunately, he now has HIV as these things go. But don't worry, he's not going to die of AIDS because he's actually going to get beaten to death with a tire iron by a trucker who spotted him from 100 feet away walking down the sidewalk like a pansy. Soil and six feet under, Kept just as we were |
Artist: Sponge Song: Plowed [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about a time you were caught off guard, surprised, or had the rug pulled out from under you. How did you recover?It's kind of sad that this was my first thought, but I tend to believe in going with whatever comes to mind first with these kinds of prompts, so here we go... Back in 2017(?), I was in desperate need of psychological intervention. I was on summer break from school, and I knew if I didn't get myself set straight quickly, I wouldn't be returning in the fall. I won't go into a ton of detail because that's not the essential point of the story, but my reason for needing intervention was that I was actually in a really bad OCD spiral. That means I was spending hours a day on compulsions, having constant intrusive thoughts, not sleeping, and having daily panic attacks. I was determined to get back to school so I found a therapist who specialized in anxiety disorders. She got me in quickly (I believe on the request of my neurologist) because it was fairly pressing. I went in to see her on a hot summer afternoon. I liked her office immediately. It was very bright and airy with the blinds open and all white furniture with pastel accents. Not stuffy or serious like a lot of therapy offices. I explained to her everything that was going on and we worked together to build a "Get Charlie back to school" plan. At this point, I'll tell you the end of the story. The end of the story is that a couple months into our twice a week visits, I found out I would be losing my insurance and thus losing my ability to pay for our visits. That wasn't the "rug pulled under me" part. The "rug pulled under me" part was that my therapist went from being a warm, compassionate, empathetic person to a disinterested, disengaged, mildly sympathetic at best person when I told her I was losing my insurance and couldn't afford $200 sessions twice a week. That rocked my brain because we worked really well together. We'd had somewhere around 16-20 hour-long sessions, and for those who haven't had therapy, that's actually a lot of time to have someone digging around in your psyche. I wouldn't say she was a world class psychologist, but she was certainly the best therapist I'd had. She did everything a therapist should do. She actively listened, absorbed my emotions, asked carefully crafted, thoughtful questions that challenged me. She was actively doing her own research outside of our sessions to come up with possible intervention methods for the specific way that my OCD was manifesting. I saw her on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. She would regularly say things to me like, "Hey, I was thinking over the weekend about something you said Thursday..." Or, "I'm reading this book about X and I photocopied some pages I want you to read before our next session." Basically, she seemed actively involved in my recovery. She told me on numerous occasions that she found me to be very charming and intelligent and that she believed I would succeed if we could break this cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsions. So, as you can imagine, it was quite shocked when she essentially dropped me like I was on fire the moment I told her about losing my health insurance. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she almost seemed angry at me. I got this energy off of her like I'd betrayed her or something. Mind you, I still had a couple weeks of insurance left when I gave her a heads up about this, so like 4 more sessions. She told me right away that they'd accept nothing less than the full cash payment for appointments. (Some places offer reduced costs for patients who pay out-of-pocket.) And the remainder of our appointments were just kind of cold and awkward. She would start to explore a thought and then comment on how she didn't want to "pull that thread" since we'd not be able to fully tie it up. She kept telling me she'd get some alternative resources together and check in with some of her colleagues that might charge less. She never did. During my last session, we just kind of sat there staring at each other. She didn't curl her legs up in the chair beneath her as usual. I remember thinking how ironic it was that her office and our sessions became more stuffy and serious with time. And that was it. I left with the general thought that we were both pissed off for whatever reason. I was just totally numb. Now, how did I recover? That's a great question. I'm not sure I really did given that this situation came to mind when reading the prompt. I was able to go back to school under her guidance, so that was a success. But it left a stain on my experience with therapy. It was the first time I felt like I was working with someone to resolve my issues. I had confidence in her handling of me that I don't think can be easily regained. That was the last therapist I willingly saw. The following year I was in the hospital for a month and had mandated therapy then and following my hospital stay. The therapists were garbage. Asserting their authority by telling me how I felt and why. Talking over me. Telling me about their problems during my therapy sessions. Guilt tripping me into taking meds or following their treatment plan. Just not listening to or involving me in my recovery at all. It was obviously largely unsuccessful. The funny thing is that the same season a few years later, I've been struggling with OCD flares due to the pandemic. And I have health insurance now. I could easily go back to that therapist. But I won't. How can I trust her? How can I trust any therapist to handle me knowing that if money or insurance ever becomes an issue they're going to completely shut down on me and cut me off? No thanks. I don't think I'll ever willingly go to therapy again, regardless of how bad things get. To see wide open with a head that's broken |
Artist: Jane's Addiction Song: Ocean Size [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What food would you like to judge in a Cook-Off?I took a break from everything today to do some much needed self-care. I spent the day lounging around, reading and sleeping on and off. I have so many things I want to do, so many hobbies that I don't get to touch enough because I get sucked into a book and that takes 5 hours of my day away or whatever. I need less work time and more hobby time. I'm thinking about focusing on starting to write more creative things. I have a lot of stuff in my port, but most of it is several years old and likely doesn't even represent my writing style much anymore because I've changed quite a bit throughout my time in university. I'll probably put all of that stuff into an old folder in my port and maybe start new "2020" folders or something. Although, my membership is running out next month and I've done a terrible job of reviewing this month to try to get the GPs up to renew.  Maybe I'll focus on that first. Judging a cooking show, yeah... The concept of this doesn't appeal to me at all. I mean, how much of one thing can you eat at once? Even something like a "cookie cook-off" doesn't sound amazing. I'd eat like 2 cookies and then be full. I don't eat any meat so that's off the list. I lot of what I do eat is, like, raw fruit and veggies so there's not much you can do in terms of judging there, unless someone has a magical garden. After thinking about the prompt though, I've come up with a couple things I wouldn't mind judging. A "dipping" contest. Different kinds of dips for chips? Salsas, guacamole, vegetable dip, hummus? That I could easily do. One chip per dip, and everyone knows your stomach is bottomless when it comes to chips and dip. There are so many creative dips too. I'd love it was like a cultural cook-off and a diverse group of people made dips from their culture. The other thing I thought of was a mixed drink cook-off. I don't know if that counts as cooking, but I'm all for it. It could be the same thing. Make popular cocktails from your country. I'm sure every place has different popular alcoholic drinks, and I wouldn't mind taste testing them all.  Chips, dips, and cocktails. I see this as a win-win-win situation! I was made with a heart of stone To be broken with one hard blow |
Artist: Soundgarden Song: Burden in my Hand [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Reflect on your week. What was challenging? What did you do that made you feel successful? What made you smile?Aw, see! I should have waited until this prompt to talk about my week. I mean, everything is better on the weekend, right? Work is kind of up and down for me. I'm still learning a lot and encountering new situations every day. I'm recovering from surgery too and there's obviously a lot of pain involved in that process.I did have a work challenge this week. I closed the books alone for the first time this week. Usually it's my coworker and I tag-teaming it and bouncing thoughts off of each other, but we got loaded up with work this week and there was no way for us to split the duties on this one. I was a little bit nervous because I usually ask questions if I have issues reconciling an account or if I'm not sure where to reclass something or whatever. I knew my coworker wouldn't have a ton of time because he was swamped with other stuff and I knew that I'd have to work at pretty much double speed in order to get it done on time by myself. That went surprisingly well because I didn't have any issues with it and got it done before the final bell. And that was nice because my coworker was able to do the other stuff we had dropped on us. Overall, a pretty successful week in terms of work. My biggest issue with starting my career isn't confidence, which is kind of shocking to me. I've seen the way my coworkers interact with each other, the questions they ask, the emails they send. I'm not worried that I'm too incompetent to do my job. I don't have doubts in that regard. My issue at this point is that I get very impatient with myself. When someone asks a question and I don't know the answer, or when I need to do a report but I can't find the correct database to pull from. They tell me that everything will all fall in place someday and I'll have less and less of those frustrating moments. Kind of like with my surgery, I have to try to focus on how far I've come from the starting point. Looking at the progress you've made between Point A and Point B is a better way to stay positive than wondering how you're possibly going to get from Point A to Point C. So that's how I motivate myself in my own head. Remember when you couldn't even figure out your weekly reports? Look at everything you're doing now. Remember when the pain was so bad you couldn't even sleep or open your mouth wide enough to eat? Look at everything you can do now. It helps some. Close your eyes and bow your head I need a little sympathy Cause fear is strong and love's for everyone Who isn't me |
Artist: Knuckle Puck Song: Untitled [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: If you could switch places with one other person, who would it be and why? What in particular would you do?This weekend can't come fast enough. I've found that there's a positive correlation between learning more things at work and my stress levels. It makes sense because the more you know, the more responsibility you're given. I'm happy to be trusted to do more tasks, but I'm finding myself frequently with 4 things that need to be done right now and people impatiently asking for the completed projects, so it's kind of stressful. On top of that, the pandemic is just wearing on me mentally at this point. Months and months of negativity and unrest have chipped away at me. I’ve tried to stay positive since almost everyone I know is also in a terrible position either mentally, physically, or financially. I’m finding it difficult now to make sure everyone’s okay. Not that they’re a burden to me, because they aren’t, but the pessimism is making it more difficult for me to find things to be optimistic about, I guess. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve obviously continued to have OCD, which I wasn’t doing amazing with before there was a pandemic. I’ve found myself recently being pushed toward scrupulosity complusions, which is very strange for me because I’m not even religious at this point. I haven’t had those types of compulsions since I was a teenager, and thus far I’ve been able to resist them. But it’s like... why in the first place? That’s not who I am anymore.Oh, and also, I found out I might need physical therapy from the surgery I had a couple months ago. I have nerve damage in my jaw that is becoming less and less likely to resolve the further I get from the surgery. If it hasn’t resolved in a month or so, it’s a lot more likely to be permanent. So, that’s a thing too. This is all relevant, I swear. I’m getting to the point. When I reflect on this prompt, I think of all the potential people I could swap bodies with and what I could do. I could switch bodies with Jeff Bezos and empty all his accounts, sell off all his stocks, and be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams once we switch back (assuming that no one knows it was me). I could switch places with a famous person and travel to all their homes, party with other famous people. That would be cool. I could switch places with a politician I don’t like and resign while in their body.  I could switch places with someone I know and try to see things from their perspective, see what they’re going through, and get a third-person view of myself.But I wouldn’t choose any of those things. If I could switch places with another person, I would simply switch places with someone who was both physically and mentally healthy. I don’t think you really need much more than that. I just want to see what it’s like to live a life without OCD or trauma. I know people are like “get over it, leave the past where it is.” But, it’s hard. I just want to know what it’s like to not deal with this shit, because I honestly have zero idea what that feels like. I have no idea what it’s like to gain consciousness in the morning and not have your mind racing before you can even open your eyes. Or what it’s like to not jump to the worst possible conclusion given any scenario ever. Or how it feels to not have intrusive thoughts and the need to perform time-consuming compulsions to stave away a panic attack for just another minute. So, yeah, I choose that. Someone whose brain isn’t actively working against them 24/7. Silhouettes on the ceiling I’ve been much better but at least I’m healing |
Artist: Foxing Song: Rory [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: You've been given a full budget and creative license to bring a book you read to film. What book would you pick and who would you cast as the characters? If you choose a book with an existing movie adaptation, what changes would you make?This is an interesting prompt, but I bit difficult to answer because I’m adamantly against spoiling books or movies. I mean, even to the extent that I hate when people say something like, “Oh, you should read X book, you’ll never see the twist coming!” Because then I spend my entire time reading the book waiting for a twist to happen. It really takes the fun out of it.I’ve had this happen several times where someone is describing a book to me and I’m like, oh, this sounds awesome! And then the person tells me, “I was so sad when such and such character died.” I’m like nooo, I was going to read that! My first thought when I read the prompt was The Catcher in the Rye. I read it as a teenager and it was my favorite book. Part of me likes that it hasn't been adapted into a movie because I do think it's okay to just have something in written form, and so often the movie doesn't do the book justice. Of course, as per Salinger's wishes there won't be a movie adaptation, and I'm cool with that. But it's still interesting to think about potential actors for it. As for which actor would make a good Holden Caulfield, I think Miles Teller would have been perfect for the role several years ago. At 33, he's a bit old to be playing a 17 year old at this point, but I think he'd be great in the role of Holden. I'm always disappointed when I watch a movie and then later realize that it was a book first. It's difficult for me to make that transition back to enjoying it as a book after I've seen it on film, even if I'm told that the book is much better than the movie! I have lots of books that I bought after seeing the movie, but I'm rarely able to get into them. That's why I often do a quick google search for books that are upcoming film adaptations. I watch a lot of movies, so this just gives me a heads up to read the book first before I watch it. Here are some upcoming book-to-film adaptations. And all I could hear was the sound of the wasp nest My head made a home for the hum of the insects |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: The Only Time [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Make a list of the top five most important virtues and why.I looked up the definition of virtue because I thought it was the same thing as values.  I found that virtue is moral excellence, so I'm already off on a bad start with this prompt. Because my idea of a moral compass is a lot different than a lot of people's. I don't care what anyone is preaching. I don't care about shallow, surface-level proclamations of moral superiority. Full stop. It's simple: How do you treat other people? How do you treat people when they can do nothing for you? How do you treat people who don't have the same belief system as you - people who have different religions and different cultures? How do you treat people when no one is watching? How do you treat someone when, in plain view of others who are on your side, that person is in the minority (be it because of their beliefs, their skin color, their sexuality, their opinion on a big decision at work, their sports team preference, etc.)? What do you do for the world? Do you go out of your way to help others? When there is an option to help someone and another option to walk away and either option requires little effort, which do you choose? Do you choose to put yourself above the greater good? Do you refuse to inconvenience yourself for the benefit of any person who isn't you? What are you doing to put others before yourself? Would you suffer, even mildly, for the benefit of others? Would you sacrifice a single thing, at all? Things I don't want to hear ever again in life: How someone's religion makes them morally superior to others, especially when in day-to-day life and through personal interactions, they don't follow any of the tenets of their own religion. (Negative bonus points if they don't even know the tenets of their religion). People explaining how, despite the fact that they have ZERO education in the field, they happen to be smarter than experts because they googled stuff or saw an infographic on social media. (And P.S. the experts are for some reason trying to hurt you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ No explanation there, it's just what we've decided).The amount of times I've been spoken to about moral goodness by someone and then witnessed them, either as a firsthand participant or from a distance, absolutely just ripping into someone with real hatred in their heart is astounding. And while I'm on the topic, people do watch you from a distance. People watch the way that you interact with other people. When you tell them, "Bless be to all" and then turn around with, "Except [insert entire group of people here]," you have lost all credibility as someone who is morally sound. Example: The most important thing we can do is be there for each other during this difficult time with an open heart and a ready smile. ...10 minutes later... If you don't want to catch the CHINA VIRUS then you can stay at home forever hahah. Oh, you'll lose your job? Oh well, your decision!  proceeds to go to the grocery store without a mask and cough on all of the produce Shrug your moral superiority complex immediately if you ever do anything even remotely similar to the above OR if you encourage anything similar to the above by promoting people who say things like this. What really gets me about it isn't even the difference in views. I can accept that people are going to have different opinions than me. What I can't accept is the complete and utter lack of empathy for human life. I've heard the craziest shit. "The virus isn't even that bad! Yes, I do understand that 140,000+ people have died in our country in 5 months. It's mostly old people anyway." "Oh, you have an underlying condition? Too bad for you, I guess. No, I won't do anything that could protect you in anyway. P.S. I won't be getting a vaccine whenever that comes out." Honestly, never again in life should you say something feigning any type of moral virtue. I don't need someone to tell me that they're fair, honest, kind, generous, forgiving, responsible, tolerant, respectful, and accepting. I need them to show these virtues. Another option is to not be virtuous. That's a thing too. But it seems difficult to find people who will be like, "Nope, I'm just a pretty bad person. Other people? Nope, hate them all. Actually want them dead." So, what are my 5 top five most important virtues? 1. Whatever 2. Makes 3. People 4. Behave 5. Virtuously My moral standing is lying down. |
Artist: Silversun Pickups Song: There's No Secrets This Year [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write a letter to your fifteen-year-old self.I almost noped right out of this prompt. Not because it's a bad prompt, but because I feel like I've answered variations of it several times in my various blogs. But I decided instead of just writing something totally off-topic, I'd let 15-year-old me speak for himself. So, last night I digged... dug? I dug out some of my old journals. I digged out some of my old journals? Fuck, I don't know. I have some of my old journals here. And I have one that covers some of 2007 when I was 15 years old. The closest date I could get to July 21 was July 11th of 2007. I wasn't writing too frequently then, apparently. It was a Wednesday. I always put the date at the top of my journal entries. So, I'm gonna type out this entry and you'll see what 15-year-old me was up to. My parents didn't get home until like 9:30 last night and I was already in my bedroom by then. Mike said that Dad seemed to be in a decent mood. Or at least he was talkative and stuff. Then he went to bed and I came out to the living room. I asked Mom how their dinner went. She said, "Fine." She didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it at all. So I just left it alone. Today she talked to me though. I was sitting outside on the far corner of the porch reading on the side steps. She came and sat next to me and said my dad still doesn't know what he's going to do. He told her he doesn't want to move out for a temporary separation if they will ever get divorced. She said he doesn't see the point in it if they're going to get divorced anyway. And he said he deserves the house and the farm because he's the one that puts the time into maintaining it. So she told him he could have it. I don't know why she told him that. That's a lot of money she would be losing out on. She said she thinks he just doesn't want to move out no matter what. Mike said the same thing to me later. That my dad has been talking about a lot of projects on the house and around the property that would take a long time to do. It's just a weird situation. I don't know what will happen. She said if he decides to stay here, we will move. So either way we will be away from him soon. Oh my sweet summer Charlie. I really thought that they'd get separated and we would be away from him at last. In some ways, I was right that I would be away from him soon because obviously I got kicked out not too long after that.But see, this is why I don't want to write a letter to myself at fifteen. I was dealing with a lot of shit that a fifteen year old shouldn't deal with. Talking so nonchalantly about the impending divorce of my parents because I had been through it so many times before. I just didn't care. No empathy whatsoever. Talking about my mother losing money and the logistics of separation rather than anyone's feelings on the matter. I don't know what I could even say to my 15-year-old self. I think I handled it well. So your heart's blown open, pulsating in your ear, The beat is insincere I'll tell you a secret, let's make this perfectly clear, There's no secrets this year |
Artist: Passion Pit Song: Carried Away [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: In 1969, Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon. Afterward, people commonly complained, “If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they ______.” How would you finish that statement today?Don't get political, don't get political... It will be interesting to see how people respond to this one. Alright, it might touch on current events just a little. We'll see how it goes... If they can put a man in the moon, why can't they... have a mail-in voting option everywhere? Say it with me: Closing voting places without offering alternatives so that people have to miss work, commute, and stand in line for 9 hours to vote is voter suppression. figure out health insurance? Why is dental separate from health? Why do I pay hundreds of dollars a month for insurance that has several thousand dollars in deductible before I can even use it? have sustainable, affordable alternatives to fuel? There has to be a way? I feel like there are a lot of vested interests in not solving this issue. get people to come together for a common goal? I mean, seriously... Why can't we agree that climate change is bad and we should try to take action to help? Why can't we agree that it exists at all? We can't agree to attempt to social distance and wear face coverings during a pandemic where 140k people have died in our country alone? We can't even agree to try that and see if it helps? have healthier, cheaper food options? I remember eating mashed potatoes that tasted like they had about a pound of salt in them in the lunchroom. There should be way more healthy foods that are cheaper and easier to make. I eat pretty healthy, but it's very expensive and time consuming. A lot of people don't have that option. produce printers that work? I'll leave us lighthearted with the most common sense response. Got a printer for school and it sucked. Decided to use the school printers instead, they also suck. Got an office job, every printer there works about 30% of the time. We'll go all digital before we get printers that work.I realized this entry is very American-centric for the most part.  It's actually a more difficult prompt than it seems at surface level because some things wouldn't make sense, like "ending world hunger" would cost a lot more than going to space. And half the bad or inconvenient things that exist are existing by design. So the response to 90% of the answers are that the solution wouldn't benefit those in power. Meds are kicking in and I'm overthinking. Justify your thesis, certain that you need this Tell me what your point is in defense |
Artist: Hozier Song: Shrike [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Besides writing, tell us about a hobby you have. How did you discover it? How long have you been doing it?Did we have a prompt about hobbies or am I losing it? I could've sworn I wrote about my hobbies this month. Hang on... Ohh, I see. I wrote about my hobbies during the prompt about inspiration: "Invalid Entry" . I have a lot of hobbies that I kind of cycle through. I don't ever become amazing at any of them because I have so many. I don't put enough time into any one thing to become super skilled at it. I have a few different categories of hobbies. Creative Hobbies Writing, obviously. But also drawing, digital painting, music (before I started selling my instruments off for textbooks), puzzles, journaling. All of my hobbies come from the same place. "Oh, hey, that would be cool if I could play that/draw that/write like that." I also need a lot of different things going on at once to get the creative release that I want. I like doing puzzles because I like recreating an image. I like journaling because I like having a record of what was going on with me at any given moment. Like SB Musing  has mentioned, it's like your own personal proof of what happened and that's really important for people who have a history of trauma or have been gaslit. Distraction Hobbies Movies, reading, listening to music, video games, podcasts. All the things that I can escape into for a while and forget whatever's going on in the real world. In 2020, the news is very difficult to escape. I always have someone saying, "Did you see this?" Or just texting me a news article. My mother texts me every day with the new virus numbers for her state and mine. But if I can just put some music on, get away from the internet, and read a book... that's nice. Or just put a movie on and get rid of all the electronics so that no one can report anything new, it's the only way to relax this year.Educational Hobbies Learning foreign languages, history, mathematics, accounting, science, programming, spreadsheets. I absolutely love learning. During my summer breaks in university, I'd always be doing some online coding program or learning about data analysis. If you can have hobbies that are educational, you can use them in other areas of your life. I used Excel during school to do things more quickly and now I'm a step ahead at work. People think I'm some kind of spreadsheet guru even though I'm totally not. Educational hobbies make me feel more accomplished than other hobbies a lot of the time because what you learn is transferrable.Outside Hobbies Going for walks, traveling/road trips, going to museums/bookstores/aquariums/concerts/parks, shopping, going out on the lake. You know, all the things we did in the Before Times. There are so many art museums, science museums, history museums in the city. We used to park downtown and just walk around finding different things to do... hole in the wall restaurants, little niche local shops and all that. That's not really something we've been doing this year because a lot of places are closed, no concerts to go to, etc. Also, we're trying our best to avoid other people. Maybe next year though! Remember me, love, when I'm reborn As the shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn |
Artist: Coheed and Cambria Song: Mother May I [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Have you ever boycotted a company or product? If so, tell us the story. If not, what would a company have to do for you to boycott its products?Just to update, I talked to my doctor and he said to stay home this weekend and they'll do a COVID test Monday if I'm still sick. He said it just sounds like a mild upper respiratory infection, but can't rule out the virus, of course. It's annoying because I've been completely isolated except going to the grocery store (with a mask) for months. Hopefully just a summer cold or something.So, anyway... boycotting companies. Ah, isn't that always fun. The thing about boycotting a company is that you're like, "Oh, this brand is offensive to humanity so I'm not buying any of their products! Then you find out that brand is a subsidiary of a conglomerate corporation and you can't boycott them unless you stop buying, like, everything that's in the store. I mean, just look at this chart and figure out how you're going to boycott Nestle, one of the most evil corporations in existence. It is doable, but it's difficult, and that's just one of the major corporations that control pretty much all of our food. If you plan to boycott all of them for their egregious deeds, I hope you've got a great farm.This is a difficult topic for me not to soapbox rant about, but it's infuriating. These corporations act with flagrant disregard for human life. They're soulless. Nestle, for example, has been caught stealing and selling water that it has no rights to numerous times. Stealing from indigenous villages in Canada, stealing from drought-stricken areas in the US. They take the community water supply of these places and sell it for billions of dollars. It's beyond disgusting. Imagine sitting in a boardroom thinking this is a reasonable way to make money. I won't rant about every corporation that I hate, but suffice to say that I hate most large corporations. If you name one, I can probably write an entire entry of grievances. P.S. Bayer infected thousands of people with HIV .OK, focus, Charlie. The problem with boycotting is that these major corporations own almost everything you can find on the shelves of a store. In order to find things not made my major corporations, you can buy locally, which is great and all, but it's often difficult to find what you need, when you need it, at a reasonable price point. Also, try having things like internet without using service from a large corporation. Or getting medication without those dollars going to an evil pharma-overlord. You just can't. Sadly, small businesses are the easiest to boycott. Have a bad experience? Just don't go back and then that company doesn't receive your money anymore. You can't do that with corps that own almost everything. That isn't to say that you can't attempt to boycott certain companies, to the best of your ability at least. Maybe they'll get $5 from you instead of $30. Anything helps, I guess. I pay attention to company's politics. Company leaders come out and defend something racist, homophobic, sexist, or just shitty? Thanks for letting me know to avoid your product, I guess. Goya is my most recent one. CEO coming out to praise a president of a country with 140,000 people dead during the middle of a pandemic that he is still saying will "just disappear"? Not a good look. By the way, there's an app for this called Buycott . You just scan a barcode and it tells you which corporation owns the product and gives you information about the corporation + any sustainable alternatives. So if you are interested in "voting with you wallet" as they say, it's pretty interesting. And in their asking, did you see their lie The motive, true and earnest side? |
Artist: Ceschi Song: Say Something [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: How important is the role of music in your life and in your creative process? Do you write to music? If so, what kind and why do you think it helps?I'm feeling super not great today. Feels like I'm getting sick which makes me very paranoid in the current, um, climate... But I'm also working way too much and not sleeping or eating or whatever else you're supposed to do to take care of yourself. It just gives me a lot of anxiety to have those kind of symptoms. The weekend can't be here soon enough. Music... Yeah, I'm definitely going to need to read entries on this one. In case it isn't clear from the music in all of my entries... music is quite important to my life. I listen to music all day while working. I used to have a last.fm when that was a popular thing. I had like 40,000 song plays in a year, which is around 110 songs a day or around 7-8 hours of music a day.I listen to a lot of music and a lot of different genres of music. Occasionally someone will try to argue with me that something I'm listening to isn't 'real' music. Biggest eye roll ever. It's always funny because I inevitably also listen to what they consider to be real music. Gotta keep an open mind, especially when you listen to that much music every day.I think music can build a certain mood that helps you write. Even for my blogs, I usually post whatever I'm listening to at the time and pull out some lyrics for the bottom of my entry that reflects my mood or the mood of the entry. Sometimes the music is on-topic with the prompt, often it's not. Lyrics are great prompts for any type of writing too. Poetry, creative short stories, blog entries, whatever... I think lyric prompts are the same as quote prompts, really. I think SM has done a good job of getting people to write along to music with his newsfeed challenges. I've written for a few of them myself, just vibing off the music and letting it lead my writing. Working to music is apparently not the most common thing. I just found that out this year when people were like, "How can you work with music blaring in your headphones all day? I'd never be able to concentrate!" It actually helps me focus somehow. The constant noise is much less distracting than the random office laughter, conversations, and various printer and computer noises. Oh, not to mention the people who have loud conference call conversations with their office door open. I also will listen to the same song repeatedly when I'm trying to focus on something. Just looping the same noises helps me keep the auditory distractions to a minimum. I like instrumentals for that a lot. I don't know if anyone here knows about the lofi beats to study/relax to, but that was my jam in college.And not just me, but like, everyone else too. It's a 24/7 stream of super chill songs that aren't distracting at all. Really nice if you're working on a big project or writing on a deadline or whatever. For group projects we used to rent a study room in the library and inevitably someone would put this stream on their computer so we could all focus and get stuff done. I'm already nostalgic about university and I just finished 6 months ago. Life is all monotony Sprinkled with some moments of unforeseen extremes In between more sleeping |
Artist: Placebo Song: Running Up That Hill [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: NEOWISE comet: “Enjoy it while you can. The frozen ball of ice won’t return to the inner solar system for 6,800 years.” Talk about it! https://www.nytimes.com/article/neowise-comet.htmlI.am.so.tired. My work has this thing where they think because I'm young, I can work like 15 hours a day. They're like, "Ah, you're young, you'll bounce back!" Bro, no I won't. I'm fucking exhausted. Like, that shit is so toxic in a workplace. They'll tell me when they were my age they worked 18 hours a day. Okaaay then. I barely even time to eat/shower some days. It's not every day, but it's enough days that I'm using my weekends to just catch up on sleep sometimes. So, my thoughts on the NEOWISE comet... First thought was how late do you have to stay up to see it? But then I read that it's only an hour and a half after sunset. Second thought was... I'm never going to see this where I live. Light pollution is real. When it said, "First you just find the Big Dipper" I was like yup, I'm out. I can rest assured though that I live in the digital age and will be able to see countless photos and videos of the comet. It looks really cool in the photograph of Grand Junction, CO at the bottom of the article. Everyone's summer activities entries the other day made me want to go camping. Well, not like camping camping, but ya know, be in nature a little bit. Here's the thing, I think astronomy is cool. My brother had a telescope as a kid and we spent so many summer nights looking at the moon and various constellations. I'll watch space mission launches and check out NASA's astronomy picture of the day, which happens to be this comet today, by the way. Other than that though, I'm not really up on my astronomy stuff. Always thought it was interesting, but when you have several hobbies and a fairly busy schedule, it's not something you can more than dip your toes in, really. It's a big subject.I think astronomical events are super cool. If I hear there's gonna be one in sight, I'll try to check it out if I remember (I rarely do). Other than that, I'll leave the astronomy up to the astronomy hobbyists.  It doesn't hurt me You want to feel how it feels? |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Black Comedy [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe your sense of humor. Is it dark, sarcastic, slapstick, silly, or something else? Do you have any favorite comedians? What always makes you laugh?Work is kicking my ass right now. I’ll have to catch up on blog entries later because I want to see where everyone said they’d go for holiday if it was the Before Times. Anyway... My sense of humor 100% depends on my mood at the time. I’ve had my sense of humor described as dry, sarcastic, dark, goofy, immature, nonexistent. I have times where I'm pretty serious and don't find humor in much of anything. I'm kind of there now so it's a bad time for me for the prompt. Really difficult to talk about comedy when in a bad mental space. I know comedians use humor as a coping mechanism. I don't for the most part. I also don't like "edgy" comedians, like I'm saying something naughty or taboo and that's funny. I don't have any examples, but like, yeah. I liked Mitch Hedberg a lot. I like Trevor Noah and John Mulaney currently. I liked George Carlin a lot. I'm not sure if there's anything that could always make me laugh, but ~Minja~  introduced me to this Italian cartoon called Stripy and it usually at least gets a small laugh out of me. It has incredibly contagious laughter in it so it's hard not to laugh too. So yeah, think I'm done here. Big yikes on this entry. I guess the past is good for a laugh A comedy so dry and black |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Futile Devices [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: If you won a free trip to any foreign country, all expenses paid in your own private jet and had the time to go (and there were no travel restrictions due to a global pandemic  ), what is the first foreign country you would visit? Who would you bring with you? What would you spend your time doing?Italy, Italy, Italy. Did I mention Italy? Story time! My in-laws go to Italy every year, er, in the Before Times. When I started university they told me during my first semester, "Charlie, when you get your degree, we'll take you with us to Italy." They send me things back from Italy every year when they go, just little things like an Italian scarf or a bottle opener or whatever. Well, guess who graduated college? Me! And guess what? Pandemic.  I know, I know. Pretend there's no pandemic. That part is hard! So, realistically, if I were going to Italy, I'd be going with my in-laws during a normal summer. They never go to the 'trendy' places. I think they did the tourist-y sightseeing stuff once and ever since then they go to the Italian countryside and stay at local bed and breakfasts. I think we would drink.so.much.wine.  But really, as I mentioned in yesterday's entry about summer, I just wanna do fuck all. I want to lay around on the Italian countryside writing, reading, drawing, and mostly importantly... napping. I could easily waste away a whole summer that way and never once get bored. I don't even think I would regret it either. I don't like crowds of people, and while some of the tourist attractions would be cool to see, I'm not good at doing the whole agenda-driven holiday thing. That's just stressful to me. Since we're talking hypotheticals and this is all expenses paid, maybe I'd save the in-law trip for when they're paying.  I'd love to snatch up ~Minja~ and take her to the Italian countryside because we both have an affinity for a certain book/movie which takes place in northern Italy...I just know that she would appreciate the trip as much as me. And I also know she wouldn't bother me because we'd both be lounging and reading. But damn, I got a whole private jet? I'm gonna bring everyone I can fit. For a lot of people, that's like a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Might as well take as many people as you can and give them a nice experience, right? I'd force Kira to go with me even though she has clearly told me many times that she has no interest in international travel. And for anyone interested, the next 4 countries in my top 5 are: 2. Spain 3. Norway 4. Ireland 5. Japan Hey, how long do I have the private jet? Asking for a friend... And I would say I love you But saying it out loud is hard So I won't say it at all |
Artist: Mazzy Star Song: Fade Into You [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about your favorite summer activity.Summer isn't what it used to be, but I still love it. I have such fond memories of summer as a kid. In between whatever bullshit was going on during those times, I used to love riding bikes with my friends, going to the pool, just hanging out. Kira and I were recently talking about this. Even though both of our childhoods were kind of meh, we both still miss the 'no responsibilities' aspect of it. There's just a very carefree thing you have going on in childhood that diminishes with the more things you have, I think. Not just physical possessions, but just things that you care about. It’s like... a lot of maintenance? You get in a relationship, gotta take care of and nurture that. You go to university? Gotta study and worry about that. Get a job? Gotta dedicate 40-60 hours a week on that. Get a car? Gotta maintain that. Get a place to live? Have to maintain like 8 different monthly bills for that. Have kids? Um, can’t imagine. My point is that being an adult is increasingly stressful with the more things you acquire. And that’s not to say those things aren’t worth it, but it really takes the wind outta my sails, personally. But there was always something magical about summer and summer leading into fall. July through October is definitely my favorite quarter of the year by far. I dunno. I guess I just miss being a teenager, hanging out with my friends on warm summer nights. Laying down on the hood of someone’s car, parked in the middle of nowhere. Watching all the stars without light pollution. Drinking a little, smoking a little. Listening to music. Not worrying about much of anything except feeling small. Can’t do that anymore. This is my first summer of full-time work after graduating college. I guess I shouldn’t compare a 2020 summer to a normal summer, but it kinda sucks a little bit. Having to wake up at 7 o’clock every morning. Having an endless pile of shit to do. And not having any other options because of all the bills and the debt. I don’t know what my favorite activity is during this pandemic summer. I guess napping on a warm afternoon? Does that count? I slept most of Saturday during the day so now my sleep schedule is all jacked up. But, yeah, I guess that’s what I’ll go with. Reading a book for 20 minutes and then passing out for 2 hours seems to be my summer activity of choice. Fade into you I think it's strange you never knew |
Artist: Bob Dylan Song: It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: When did you first start blogging? (anywhere, not necessarily on WDC) Why? What did you blog about? (subjects, topics, personal news, etc.) Has your blogging style changed since you began?This should be an interesting one! It’s always cool to learn what prompted someone to pick up a new hobby or form of writing. I never even thought about blogging before WDC. My first blog here was made specifically for "The Soundtrack of Your Life" right when I joined the site at the beginning of 2014. I made my blog on 30 January that year and my first entry was 1 February when the very first Soundtrackers challenge started.
I had never really read any blogs before, so I had no idea what I was going. I’d also only been on the site for 2 weeks so I didn’t really have any friends yet. I had been in rehab that December and, during my time there, I started creative writing a little bit. I was encouraged to keep that up after I left, not because I was an amazing writer, but likely because it was a healthy coping mechanism. So when I got out, I basically just did a writing site google search so that I could continue to share my writing with other people, and I found WDC then. This is the poem I wrote during rehab and I added it to my port here the day after I joined:
So, I was brand new on the site, had a new blog, and a challenge before me with no real instructions except to share the soundtrack to my life. I could think of a million potential songs, but I wasn't sure what to write about them. At the time though, I was struggling with flashes of memories that I'd masked through drugs for years. Not even necessarily traumatic memories, but just things that would pop into my mind and make me feel all kinds of feelings that I had no interest in, uh, feeling. Something I didn't understand at that time, because no one ever talks about it, is that good memories are sometimes more painful than bad ones. I couldn't explain to myself why a happy memory would make me feel so bad, it just did. I didn't even want to be associated with or attached to my own memories. It was impossible for me to write these things in first person because that felt like owning them. Instead, I decided to write these flashes of memories in third person. My first entry was one of those should be good/happy memories that just made me feel horrible then and still makes me feel horrible now. I still don't understand why or how good memories are painful, but either way, here's my first blog entry ever: "Invalid Entry" Later, I learned that what I was writing was called a vignette. So that's what I did the entire first month of my blog. I had almost no readers, very few comments/likes on my entries because I'd been on the site for 2 weeks. I wasn't popular in any way, and a lot of the entries to this day have like 3 views. But I did make a lot of friends that month through Soundtrackers. I was so appreciative of those people who did read my entries here and there and let me know they were seeing me.That's why I will always like/comment entries from people who are new to the site or new to "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . A little encouragement goes a long way. If I hadn't had those few readers that I had, I likely would have gone back to writing in my journal or on the back of a napkin at the end of the challenge rather than starting to blog for daily prompt challenges like "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" , "Blogging Circle of Friends " , "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" , etc. And of course I'll always be thankful to lizco252isback for starting that challenge and being one of my few readers that month. She and Fivesixer  were the first people to ever engage with my first blog. From Soundtrackers, I started blogging about everything. My blog was like half personal journal, half throwing my opinion in on whatever prompts came up for the day. I don't know if my style has changed very much. I still write vignettes when times get tough or difficult memories arise:
I'll still post what's going on with me in my blog. I'll have a total breakdown if that's what needs to happen. I have a lot less shame in myself now because I've realized that people use their blogs for all sorts of things. There's really no right or wrong way to blog, despite what some might say. As long as you're true to yourself and doing what you need to do for yourself, your blog is serving its purpose. I try as much (as much as time allows) to engage with people's blogs and let them know that what they're saying matters and is valid. I sometimes just go to the Bloggers page when there isn't a blogging challenge going on and just sweep through the page liking/commenting on people's entries. There are so many people here baring their souls the way I do and the way I was then without getting any kind of validation or thumbs up from anyone.I wish I had the time all the time to let those people know they're not alone, but I do what I can. But though the masters make the rules For the wise men and the fools I got nothing, Ma, to live up to |
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