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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 13:03 I wanted to be a lot of things when I was little. My earliest career choice (that I can recall) was a scientist. Then I wanted to be a builder. And then a teacher. Then a writer at around fifteen-sixteen years of age. The last one, of course, stuck. The only problem is, I still want to be a writer - I'm not there yet. No one's ever been bothered if I stopped or if I continued so my ambition has always been a bit unsteady. But I've finally come to my senses and realised that if I have even the slightest bit of talent in this field, then I'd be a fool not to pursue it. Regardless of whether success comes, my aim is to at least try to get my work out there. I'm still lazy though. I've been meaning to write a short story on the Elementals, which would make this one the third short story for the overall series, but it's been a week and I've barely touched it. I make excuses that it's due to lack of time, but I think I'm just not taking it seriously enough. I'm not in a routine. Once I get back into a routine, I'll be fine. It's just getting to that point which proves to be difficult. I'm so tired! I want to sleep! Why do I never get enough sleep? The Ramadan routine is good - I can squeeze in a bit of sleep during the day. But today I have to take my mother for her doctor's appointment. I'm not sure when I'll get back, but after that I'll have guests over. And then it's time to put my son to bed. And then the fast opens. And then there's a looooooooooong prayer during which I will struggle not to fall asleep. Life! It feels like it's never-ending! It will, of course, end one day. I must try to be positive. I think it really helps to stay positive. I've been trying it since this morning - I tried to speak to my son as a human being, instead of a banshee. It worked for a bit. And then I walked him to the childminder's and he had a massive strop! Boy, that was challenging! I tried so hard to keep calm but he just wouldn't stop. So I yelled. A lot. In public! My God, do children annoy me sometimes! Just thinking about it makes me feel guilty. Anywho, I must go and pick up the little monster now. Good times ahead! Yay... 13:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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