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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Everyone, I've been going through a dark and unhappy day since yesterday. I was doing ok earlier in the morning. But then after I had a nap and went back to checking my emails, I started getting discouraged. Everything seemed to be pointless. I felt as though I wasn't inspired to do much writing, or to knit more of my work. I've been writing steadily on The Bridge but I stopped and started to feel discouraged. I know that these dark moods of mine haven't been as bad as it was last night and even into now. It's been tough realizing that my life has been a series of jobs that have come to have been unfulfilling and it's been tough to discover that I was born to two people who rejected me and gave me to another couple to raise. These two people were high in society when I was born and each other them had already been groomed to become married to others, and not to each other. Then the family that I grew up in had a bad member who got me in trouble and told me to do something outside the house. That's when I got kidnapped and taken away from my home and ended in the Phiilippines. I was 'adopted' by two people who were hired by someone big in England to raise me. So, I never got to have a proper life as a wanted child. It was very difficult to realize that I wasn't wanted and I was treated like a person who didn't have rights to a life that should have been good. I think my whole personality is challenged by these discoveries. i am not sure who I am anymore. And where I belong, and to whom I should be with. I felt in the time of my years in college that i wasn't a citizen of any country. I thought i was a citizen of the world. But that was because I didn't belong to any country. my birth country had dismissed me and nobody seemed to care that i had disappeared. Nobody seemed to know who took me away. Nobody seemed to ask questions where I had gone to. It seemed as though the circumstances of my first years had been covered up and there are no people left to tell the story of my early life in England. Even my life in the Philippines seemed to be a case of being brainwashed and reprogrammed to give me scenes of life - but none was a continuous number of days and years where i could tell that I truly lived among these people in that country. So I felt lost. I felt as though I was a piece of baggage that nobody claimed or cared about. I am still feeling unsteady about this life I have. I carry a name that isn't mine. I have a name that I know was mine when I was born to these two people. And it seems as though I had another name in between. My three sets of parents are mute about me and how I became theirs. They aren't saying anything. My first parents don't wish to remember me, they've got too much invested in their own important lives. My second set of parents are unknown to me. The third set of parents are not speaking about it - one of them is dead and she's ghosting me. What does one do with this life that i have? How do I come to grips with how I got to this world? Am I real to anyone? How do I get through and find out what happened to me? How important is it? I guess only God knows what really happened to me. But I'm filled with questions and sad feelings. I can't say that I know what good parents are. What do I do with this knowledge? |
| Today I've been blessed with a sunshiney morning. My family are here with breakfast getting done. I've been going through some tense feelings lately and I've tried to figure it out. I might be going too much with my blogs about my opinions and how I find life to be. I've given some thoughts about my ideas about the issues of the day. It's hard not to. Everywhere you look they're talking about this pandemic, how cities are looking so bleak, games and races are being put off, ball players are backing out of playing in the different ball games and seasons, people are getting more into their own thing as they suffer through isolation. I'm seeing a great change in some things - how more of us are being more concerned about the well being of our families, our kids, even adopting pets to keep them company (if they're alone). It's a bit of a change that might actually be good for the country and other countries - despite the sadness of the afflictions we've had - and that perhaps we could be getting back to basics. In the old days, people traveled less in cars but in other types of vehicles. Bicycle traffic seems to be the norm these days in some places and replacing the cars which helps the environment. One time I saw how NYC had a clearer atmosphere. In another place people are inside little plastic cages or tents while they enjoy the outdoors or having a snack in a patio setting. Restaurants are still not quite a safe place to eat mostly because of the proximity of seating. Movie houses aren't quite popular, I'd say, and drive ins, the popular thing in the old days are making a comeback (which I think is cool). We could walk our pets but then we feel a bit shy about going around still. I hesitate going out in the open because I might meet people (who aren't wearing masks) and they might be carrying the virus. We might even get to the point of growing our own vegetables, putting up chicken coops, canning our own food, making our own beer and wine. The farming industry isn't as happy either because of the fact that there would be an oversurplus of food they grow and business (income) might be lessened. Air travel is compromised. I know some airlines are putting their cares to the wind and going on with travel, cramming passengers in their airplanes. I don't know whether they could try to increase their carriers and then space passengers out in these so they can still fly people all over the world. The fact that the US is highest in the number of virus deaths makes the US citizens suspect to EU countries (who've made strides in lowering death rates) so that means travel to the EU for vacations and business reasons is hampered. Some people I've seen on social media have been separated from their spouses. Some people in healthcare have not seen their children for weeks and weeks because of the fear they'll contaminate them as they are in the forefront of healthcare. I do not know when this very scary and somehow new world order will stabilise. It's a bit like living from day to day, isn't it? And we don't know some of us, how that might be. We always have our schedules, our agendas for weeks on and on, and meetings with people who help our businesses are put off or we go on Zoom or some other distance meeting softwares. But then Zoom, for instance, gets hacked. We live online more than ever. We seem to be at a loss as to how best to carry on. What do we do? I don't have a pat answer. We all have to make new priorities. Probably the one thing is to prioritize the health we have and the health of our families. We can't help but do this. More than ever people are losing their loved ones and we can't even be with them when they're dying. We don't even see how a number of cities are disposing of these poor casualties - they seem to be putting them in a huge field of dirt and burying them in series with unmarked coffins made of plain wood. The astronomical costs of the treatment of illness due to the pandemic is another headache - who's going to pay for it all? Insurance companies, you might say, but if one has already lost one's job they're out of insurance and that cripples the whole economy. I see the DOW jones saying we're going up and doing good but is that real? I know the unemployment rate is up and people are looking for any job at all to keep the house payments at least going. Our family is eating what's available in the stores - frozen meals mostly. Tinned meats. We're afraid of those meats that are being displayed as packing companies are having COVID cases by the cartload. We are living on a fixed income, and so we have to make do with what's available. It's not a complaint but it's how it is with people who have not got much expendable income. We all need to start praying for this death rate to go down and flatten out. People are out and about regardless of the precautions. The riots and demonstrations have been definitely something that's risen up out of the injustices done on the Black minority. But that's gotten people out without minding their health. It's like a vicious cycle. The country is in some sort of vortex of unease, trouble, and the minds of those who are in charge are getting inundated with the difficulties they face. I myself have been so filled with sadness that sometimes I end up wishing to leave this world and find another one that's less stressful (to say the least). However, we all have to soldier on, as the old quotation says. We have to deal with what we face. Sometimes we need to go out of social media and get into some other thing. If your world as it stands now is somewhat calm and unhurried, and with not a lot of bother about things even with no money available until some time when money gets into our coffers, we have to focus on something that makes us feel more like things are under our own control. We have to leave everything to God. Whatever is happening out there is His thing to work on. Our job is to keep ourselves fit, without overdoing it, and fed well enough to be able to keep our strength. No need to overdo the food thing as we're all sitting around and trying not to go out. We have to take our vitamins, get some chores done, mind the pets, the kids, and do whatever it is to fortify ourselves. Fortify our minds so we don't get into some sort of downward mood and cause friction with our significant others. (I saw the other day that a popular celebrity is divorcing her husband because she spent the pandemic period in quarantine with the man. It's kind of silly to think that a pandemic could be a cause to divorce one's spouse!) So for us we just have to do what we can each day and if we feel like we should have done more, then tell ourselves there's tomorrow to do it. There's no need to hurry up with everything like we used to when we had a job to go to. Those who are lucky to have remote jobs already know how to deal with their daily schedules. I hope everyone has a good day! |
| Hi Everyone, I'm putting a hold on writing The Sequel to The Loveable Resident - indefinitely. I stand by the first book's premise of redemption. I wrote this book with that idea that even people who have been cads in their lives can get redemption if they only reached out to God and asked Him to help them through their dark lives. Many people think they've sunk so low in the esteem of the world that they've given up and gone on with their criminal lives. Some of these people have been good to start with but life screws them up. They have people who are their caretakers and put them through such a lot of bullshit that they think the same. Some of them are given a lot of ideas that are racist and think that everyone else is beneath them. Some of them are given the gifts of good looks and money and power and they think that they deserve everything and all the people who like them are good and wonderful, but the truth is that they've surrounded themselves with hangers on, and traitorous friends who take their money, their food, their wealth and their women (who were good for them) and then turn around and make them totally sickened. They put on a face that makes people think they're still normal, but inside they hate themselves and they go through addictions of every kind. I don't know how steeped some people are with their sinful pasts but I know that there is redemption. If they but confessed their sins to someone they could get some grace. Grace is so minimally used these days. In my definition of grace, it means that God showers them with the goodness that only He can give them. Grace carries you through the bad things and events that happen to you. There are so many people who are injured and can't lift their heads enough to find the truth about how their lives have been so screwed up. The book Loveable Resident makes an example of how a rising star in medical surgery gets into trouble and tries to do something - anything - until he gets his due justice. But he seems to have friends who find some sort of goodness in him, or his talent as a doctor. I don't wish to give out spoilers. But the reviews of this book, whatever number they are, seem to have a problem with how the main character of Mike Oates makes himself get into a Hellish life and then they stop reading it. I wish these reviewers would go back and read the length of the book. I think they'll find it somehow credible and perhaps they could think of giving people that have acted this way some sense of forgiveness. For we all have to find forgiveness for others and forgiveness for our own sins. We must learn to love ourselves because who else would do that? If we have love for our own selves, our souls, our own personalities we can find out where things could be going wrong. Self-examination is needed. We have to make use of this enforced quarantining of our bodies and find our own selves and live with ourselves. Many of those who are quarantined are going through depression and even commit suicide, or, even divorce their husbands (because they've never been with their husbands long enough to know them really). I think people should find some way to go through their past and one of these ways is to write their memoirs. A journal post each day would be helpful. There are many places online that could also be of help writing your thoughts down. It doesn't mean you have to tell the public in a blog but there are many private websites where you can make your daily thoughts private. I hope that someone gets helped by this. I really think this world is getting so crazy and people are going nuts running around killing each other. There needs to be an outlet for such sadness and hate. It can't be murdering other people. It will only cause you greater problems. There are so many of these institutions that are too glad to make you feel worse by imprisoning you and making your family feel sad. Not including making you spend all your money on lawyer's fees and everything. Don't be despairing of your sad life. It's still going on. As far as I am concernedm as long as you have life you have hope. I've thought about how many of those who live a long life have been gifted by God. My theory is that those who have long lives are given as much time to examine their lives and find peace with God. |
| I'm able to say I've survived this awful awful weekend. I'd been ghosted so much yesterday and it made me feel so bad that i had to stay in bed most of the day. I couldn't do anything. I'd been so into the tweets that I must have aroused such a great swell of unhappiness towards me from Mike Pence. He ghosted me this Sunday and made me scared, terrified, he was so malign in his presence in my house and wanted to make me sad very sad. I was able to escape his evil thoughts and sought refuge in my room. I think this man is bad, and because he's one of Trump's people he hates me. Trump's hated me for a while and also ghosted me. He is in the same league as Churchill and those who like Churchill. People are led to believe Churchill is God but he is the opposite, he's Lucifer. I've been trying to find some other place to move to but my finances can't support this. I don't have much choice but to live here in West Lafayette. I can't say it's safe out there for me. Trump has many supporters in Indiana and they are all alerted to make sure that my activities for the day are known. If I ever go out of the house they'll likely tell on someone and that person will find another person who might be somebody like a cop or anyone like that. There has been a couple of times that actors have posed as cops and tried to intimidate me. This is akin to racial profiling but they know me and who I am and where I came from. I'm the bastard of Prince Philip of England and Dame Maggie Smith. They had me and then Maggie gave me to a normal couple who raised me like their own. But the Queen was so upset and angry that she had me taken away from my home in England and I ended up in the Philippines. I was around twelve years old then but they put me in a sort of coma and I was fed a programmed life that made me think I really was Filipino and had a life there growing up in my toddler stage until i was in my high school years. I was then ready to go out of the country and the actors who adopted me, Don and Sally Faderan, took me to the USA. There we stayed in Indianapolis. I had no knowledge of how my life had been so totally turned upside down until after I became retired. the Queen has been making my life a hell. i failed at several jobs, I failed in her eyes and she employed many people to make me their friends but they were traitors to me. They told her and others who went along with her, people who were big in this country, about what my interests were, and they systematically made me fail and become what the society has castigated me as a loser. But I had my own idea about how I needed to be, and I tried valiantly to keep going. I was a good person through it all, still cluelees, and I was kind to everyone even those who hated me secretly. These people were my former classmates, and my former coworkers and colleagues in my jobs. I was in danger of losing my life several times out in the open. Once I had a bad flat tire in my home at Hamden CT, and I remembered that the day before i had seen broken glass around where i parked. i didn't realize that my tire had a piece of glass in it and the man who fixed my tire told me that. i realized later that this was a plot to make me have a spectacular accident on the highway to where i lived. There are other bad plots that wanted me to die on the highway and it's now very tough to contemplate driving on the highway here where i live. Many people have been made to remember or know what our license plate is and they'll see it and they'll make a point to do something dastardly to us when we are driving. The COVID problem has at least kept everyone off the roads but the authorities want the businesses to open and everyone is beginning to think, falsely, that the coast is clear. There are always ghosts in my presence who are from the Devil and they want me to die somehow still, without them being seen as killing me. This is the spiritual attack that th Devil is doing and that Devil is in League with Queen Elizabeth and Trump. I cannot see how my life will end but I refuse to die. I get a great deal of pain and suffering. I've suffered such a great deal that i've frequently asked Jesus to save me and take me to Heaven. I do not know how my week will go. Every week is alternately awful and humdrum. These devils of the Bastard have made it a point to make me die each Sunday and it doesn't just happen on Sundays anymore, it happens starting on Fridays. They've tried to make me feel unable to do anything. My mind become frozen sometimes and I can't write. I don't know what job I can have if i don't do any writing. I'm unable to go out there in public to find a job, any job, because these people will know and they'll make it hard on me to work. I'll be so shredded up inside that i'll have a terrible day and I might end up getting to the hospital. This is another wish they have for me: to get to the hospital. That's where they want me to end up so that I'll be given all sorts of treatments, procedures and all kinds of torturous attacks unseen by those who are clueless. I'm afraid also that the people who are hating me will kidnap me and take me to some concentration camp somewhere - at least I know of two places: Afghanistan and China (where there apparently is a concentration camp for their Muslim prisoners). I hope that God will do something. It seems as though God is not listening to my prayers. I wish He would. I can't stand feeling this way week after week, day after day. I'm about as weak as anyone can be. I have tried different ways to elude these spiritual attacks. |
| I'm thinking deeply about this career as a writer. I find it very unrewarding. I took my MFA and graduated with Distinction. I felt confident that my work was good and that my stories were interesting enough to gain an audience. However, i was met with resistance from literary agencies and publishers and made to go with POD publishers who wanted my money and I had to spend inordinate amounts of it to get my book published. People smelled money and started to invite me to go with them instead. It was a mess. Now I'm unable to support myself with whatever 'royalties' that I receive. I have written several novels and nonfiction stories and can't afford to promote except through my own social media. I do have followers for my FB pages but I suspect these are people who only want to see me fail. These people aren't sincere and never really comment on my books. I've been reduced to ask for donations from people who look at my website. It's not a problem to ask for donations as many people do this regularly. But I am afraid that I am getting hacked. My book ideas have had the risk of being hacked by those who sell these ideas on the black market to give for a handsome sum of money to established authors. One of them is a man whose books have been best sellers but he's struggling with trying to get some more story ideas so he goes into the black market. I cannot prove this however, but there is that big thought that many authors are doing this regularly. Some of them have won awards that are prestigious. I'm aware that there is a time lag between the time a new author gets to publish her first book and gets an audience. I'm meeting with silence and I am not sure why that is. I wish people would make any comments so I know what it is they are asking for when they read a book I write. In my MFA program people in the faculty never really addressed the difficulties of getting recognized as a published author. They went through the usual folderol of how to get an agent and get published. My work is getting blacklisted I think by those Ivy League publishers and agencies that hate that I went to Yale to work. The Yale experience has been described in my book On Days Like This. I'm aware that some political people hate that. They've seemingly closed ranks against me. What I've gotten is a great sensitivity for haters and their thoughts. I'm constantly pained by their hateful thoughts. So much so that I cannot find a job that's a regular job where I could at least find an income to pay bills and keep body and soul together. These haters have grouped together to get to me every day and keep me under a cloud of depression and immobility. There are so many times that I've tried to put things together in some coherent way and these haters send me distracting thoughts that take away the potency of my words. It's as though the whole world is against me. I know it sounds dramatic, but I am finding it a huge obstacle to even keeping alive. It's very tough to be a writer and to get an audience. I'm not here to get rich or be famous. i'm here to be a voice to show that there are people who I feel that in a story I could find them to speak out for their difficult lives and how they've overcome their demons. I'm not sure how to go on with my writing life. I wish I could sell retail or work in a coffee house or even in an office. But the haters are ever so wishful of that because then I'd be caught in a trap where I'll be physically wounded by their evil thoughts. The last time I tried to get a job it was at Macy's. I reported for the job on the first day. I was filling out forms and getting oriented but I was attacked by an evil spirit who was good at making me feel as though my body was being stabbed and my fingers sliced off. I couldn't stay and left after two hours. Now I see that Macy's is closing stores and laying off a great number of staff. I think that God knew about what I went through and gave His judgment on Macy's. I do not wish to make everyone feel as though I'm whining or making people feel guilty. I'm wondering what it is that I have to do now that I'm finding it more difficult to get through this career. I don't want to be a whore about my career. I'm an upstanding writer who is honest and good. I wish people would give me a chance. But I don't know anymore whether the inspiration to write was from an evil spirit. Perhaps it was and now I'm trying to combat this evil that made my life go haywire. I was working at an office and doing well but I was marginalised and people were racially against me. i suppose i was also known to be the Queen of England and that made things more complicated. is the reason I'm not getting my books sold is that I'm the Queen and for whatever reason Queens don't sell books they write? I find this a sad thing because i've not really been informed by someone in authority that I am the Queen of England. It's all whispers at this time. I think the world is knowing that I'm Queen and they can't do anything to help, or can't be bothered, or both. Life is so filled with duties and other problems that people who might have had some significant roles to help me aren't able to do much. So I'm here left alone and I am not sure how my life will move forward. Each day is a battlefield of thoughts and haters. I can't even rely on those who I used to pray to so that they could help. Everyone's guarded. I'm guarded by good people but many of the other guards I have are bastards. I can't see how to go through this life. I prayed to Jesus to take me home but I think he wants me to stay. For what reason? Just to be someone who calls things as they are? Where can I find any way to live off of this job? I live in a world where money is needed to keep a house and transport, and feed the family. I'm fortunate that I still have a home. I am thinking that someone is out to get me to be so poor that I'll be forced to sell my body just to get to pay a bill or food for the house. I refuse to do this. I'm not sure what more to say. I'm not happy at all. I might look cheerful to people outside but inside I'm suffering. I can't see how to continue this facade that 'nothing is wrong'. Something is very wrong with my life. I need to find someone who can reach out and give me a way to live the rest of my life. I'm on Medicaid and I'm grateful that this is something that I have. My medications are few and one of them is threatening to make me sick because of yet another problem with a nurse practitioner who switched my meds and now I'm still going through healing because the new med is toxic. I'm not happy at all. I feel as though the menace against me has become so large that people everywhere I go in this town are all doing their part in hurting me and making me have a short life. |
| I recently video blogged about my writing. One of the topics was about my most recent novel, On Days Like This. The novel is about an Asian American woman who gets a job at Yale University and gets embroiled in a very bad plot to make her die. The novel has the theme of racism in the workplace, and in the halls of an Ivy League university. The idea to write about Mary Enji Scott, the daughter of a Japanese man and a white wife, was give to me by inspiration. I hesitated to write about the Asian-American experience. I was partly raised in the Philippines, an island country in the Pacific. Then I immigrated to the USA in the 1970s and was thrown into a world full of white people. There were a number of Fllipino families that my family befriended in Indianapolis. But I was basically someone who evolved in my personality as a person of the world, a citizen, if you could call me, of the world, and not really someone who thought of myself as mainly a Filipino-American. Those days I did not know I had English parents. I was adopted which nobody told me about. Not until recently. The novel was something that I decided to accept as my next work and project. I wanted to show to the world that there is racism in many places and even in places where you might not expect. I wanted to show that Asian-Americans, and, Asians per se, are good and noble people, who aspire to the same goals as anyone else. Asians are very productive, industrious, and mostly peaceable people. They do as they are told, most of the time, and tend to be meek. But they do have feelings and when they are ostracized, or made to feel marginalised, they become self-involuted in that they can't talk about their hardships with anyone. There is this feeling they have that they can't turn to anyone outside of their families, nor even outside their ethnic group. I think that the Black Lives Movement has placed racism to the forefront of the consciousness of society everywhere. I went through life in different work places and in these places the thought of being racially profiled wasn't obvious to me, perhaps because I didn't want to recognize it. I had an optimistic view of people. I looked at people as equals, as worthy of my respect and even my love should love be part of the relationship. I made many friends, or so I thought. But I noticed that the ethnic groups did not have many interactions with the white majority populations. They were useful to some political groups as people they needed to curry votes from, but not as real friends nor even people who they could build a family with. Those who married out of their ethnic groups were not very many in my experience. There still was a stigma to biracial couples even in the 1980s where I placed Mary Enji Scott (my main character on On Days Like This). In the novel, I wrote a dialogue between Mary and one of the technicians in the laboratory where the technician told her that children of biracial couples were looked down upon and were sad always. It was a dialogue where I derived it from an actual happening. I thought that this speech by a white woman in a liberal arts university was so scandalizing that I tried to think it was a joke at the time. But that wasn't a joke. There are many facets of biracial couples' lives that are so filled with sadness and they tend to find it hard to be a part of the environment and society. The fact that some of their families are racially profiled is a sad thing to realize. Yet, even in corporate workplaces, many of those who are of the minority are not recognized and given promotions. It is not easy to excel in places that have this racial meme in their workplaces. Many places pay lip service to giving equality in their hiring. But they merely fill the slots for the forms where they have hired a minority employee. It's not an easy life in the USA. But life here can be good if only people recognize that each of us is a Godly person and worth our respect and our love. |
| I don’t remember many things or skills that I told this to myself about. I think one thing that I thought seemed to be an unreachable skill was in writing. Time and time again I’d think of writing a story - a novel, a book - and I’d get the same negative response from somewhere in my thoughts: it’s not something you can do, it’s too much work, it’ll be hard and so don’t even bother trying for it. But one day I started to noodle about writing in a blog form. I had enough money to pay for a blog website. Then I went on and wrote something - whatever came to mind that happened to me. Sometimes I’d blog about a trip I was planning on taking for work. Then I’d blog again about something that bothered me - about how some things didn’t seem to look right to me that I saw in the world. Then I went on and bought myself a mug from PBS.org that had The Writer’s Almanac on it. It was a brave thing to do, and I decided to ignore the strong messages that I got - YOU, a writer? That’s ridiculous, these thoughts would say. I’d counter saying that I WAS a writer. That’s what my job was about. I wrote many things for my job even though it was all technically driven. Then after a lot of sad things happened to me at work and i started to wonder if writing technical documents were all I could do and it was driving me mad, I decided to take a course in writing from a cheap online course. There I found it easy to write the assignments. That built for me a portfolio of work, which I then thought I could submit to colleges who offered MFAs. And from there I went on to take a serious program in Creative Writing. Then I went through all the coursework with good marks. I finally finished my MFA and now I’ve several books that I’ve written, some with the help of a good friend and Muse, and others in the beginning written thinking of how it might be interesting on their own. But the most important thing is that we all can do what we wish to do - it’s called improving yourself and how you might become. I’m still developing my skills at writing but I’m very proud of what I’ve published. I think even though some of these books haven’t had good reviews or only some are good, it’s a way to learn about what my audience wants to see. |
| I’ve been having a quiet day contemplating. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to move out of this country. Somewhere that will give me the safety that I crave from the ghosts that have been chasing after me and making me sad every day. And every Bloody Sunday when they come at me with great ferocity. Making me cower under the covers of my bed, and making me feel muted and unable to call out to my Saviour my Jesus to rescue me. These awful intimidating thoughts have been making it difficult for me to write anything worthwhile. They hate that I have published books despite what they’ve tried to do in harming me. They hold hostage my Dad, my pets, and anything else that isn’t batttened down in the house. One time one of them actually had enough energy to hurl one of my laptops to the floor. I rescued the laptop but it’s really sad now. I’ve been looking at different countries and trying to see where I might fit in in their society. I don’t know if I can go back to England, the land of my birth where I spent my first twelve years of my life. England’s lovely I know. And they speak English. The people are said to be charming but I’m not sure whether the charm is only on the surface. And the Queen and her people will likely wish me to leave and put up a roadblock to keep me from entering. I’ve spoken to a migrant lawyer about moving there. I was ok with what the conditions were until they said that my Dad would have a difficulty in getting approval of being accepted. It seems that older people have to be almost debilitated and tied to a wheelchair unable to fend for themselves to be accepted by the English VISA systems. I’ve also looked at France. I love the idea of living in France. A beautiful country, and the country side might be quite lovely to behold in all seasons. There are good places perhaps to be living in but the cost of living or the lifestyle there in Paris at least is quite high and I won’t be able to maintain any sort of decent living there. I don’t wish to move to Germany. Their language is difficult to learn and I’m not that patient nor do I wish to be in Germany first of all. I’ve thought of going to Japan and be a contemplative sort of person. The language problem also exists. I think some people there speak English. It will be a long time before I can learn the Japanese language. I’ve seen some tweets that Japan is keeping people out of Japan unless they have a specific aim to be there, such as an operation or surgical appointment. I even thought of going to a place like Beirut, so famous in its rather brutal history, yet quite fascinating in the fact that it’s gotten so much more cosmopolitan. There are the usual language issues but I don’t know. Why not Beirut? But then how safe will I be? the safety factor is always up in the air with me. If it’s Beirut, whey should I even leave West Lafayette, Indiana? The difference might be that the danger is under the covers here while in Beirut it’s out in the open. There might be some irruption in Beirut but then perhaps it might die down after a while. I’m rather treading dangerously looking at the globe for a place to live out of here. The thing is everywhere in the USA is looking like West Lafayette and I don’t wish to meet the same people even though they might be looking different. The sort of people who are fake, who only want your friendship if you’ll buy their products or whatever business they’re in. These people and those who are in the churches who smile at you at church but hardly talk to you when you’re in the grocery store. What sort of culture is that? People seem to have forgotten about being genuine and sincere here. They are all trying to find some other thing, some unnamed wish that the prevailing current of fame and fortune have wanted them to chase after: plastic surgery for their sad faces, dental orthodontia for their uneven teeth, hair extensions for those who badly wish they had locks like a famous model, a fast car or two so they can parade it on Facebook, money most of all to go to the best vacation places in the world so they can then take selfies to show off on Instagram or Facebook. The value system is all upside down. Is it like that in France, or England or Germany or Japan? Or do I need to get real and say This is where I’ll live and someday I’ll die and it’ll be all over. |
| I’ve suspected for sometime that I’m on Donald Trump’s hit list. He seems to be capable of mobiiizing his white supremacist groups everywhere to go after his enemies. I confess I voted for him and I’m ruing the day I did. Every day. I’ve seen his true colours and he’s been so awful towards people of colour. Witness the events of the last few weeks. People of colour are being targeted, getting into trumped-up trouble and ending up getting killed. I don’t see any signs from Trump that he’s supposedly pivoting. He’ll sign some executive order but he’s doing it half-assed. He’s been making me sad everyday for the last few months. He’s in league with Satan, who hates me always. He’s really Satan. He’s become the worst leader this country has ever had, colluding with China to build more concentration camps. To what purpose? Why does he want concentration camps for? Is he trying to make a deal with the Chinese authorities to deliver his enemies to their concentration camps to silence them forever? I’m afraid to set foot outside my house these days. I feel like I’m in a gulag. I’m being watched surreptitiously. Everything in my life is filled with silent spies. They have hacked into everything I have - my cell phone where it has several callers who I don’t recognize, texts from strangers, my computers are hacked and my suspicions are that he’s got his people in all walks of life so that they will notify him of what I’m up to. He makes sure I can’t get anything that I need for my work. He makes it so his spies will know what my debit card numbers are and makes the websites I buy from decline my purchases even though I have money in my account. He’s already made it to the point where I’ve been scammed to reveal too much about me and my stuff. He’s determined that I’m someone who needs to be silenced. He and his allies, the Queen of England, for example. These and others who have a silent but odious desire to quell me and my work, to stifle my voice where I can speak out about the injustices of his administration, and to show how he is really ignorant and eager to spread his white supremacist and Nazi leanings. He wants to change things to suit himself even creating his own series of fake news, which he tries to accuse others of doing. He lies and does this with great facility. I’m stuck here trying to stay alive and his goons are making me feel sad. I can’t seem to get anything done each day because he’s causing me phsyical pain and distress. He’s silenced my friends and those who might wish to help me. He’s intimidated them all so that they’ll deny that I’m a friend of theirs. This man is a danger to freedom and goodness. He needs to be taken out of office. Vote against Trump and his people. Get out and tell people what he’s really all about. He’s a fake all through and through. He can’t convince anyone now. He’s blowing smoke and people are now able to call him on his bad behavior. Mattis started this and now everyone of those whom he fired are speaking out against him. |
| Hi Everyone, A new day - after 3 am. I'm up because my knee is bothering me. Just another thing to endure, haha. But thank God I'm able to hobble around the house. I am on pain meds which dent the pain somewhat. I'm trying to distract myself from the pain. I wish I could wish it off but it's here and sometimes it gets worse and other times its very painful. Yesterday was bad because I'd gone out with the family to run errands. I was so pained that getting out of the car was a tremendous effort. I had the pups with me which made things more complicated. The smaller dog was so eager to get out of the car and I had to organise myself so I could at least hang on to his leash and then get my things out of the car with me as well. It was a miracle I got to the door and got things into the house. Fortunately, it got accomplished. I made spaghetti ala Ameritriciana, which is an homage to those in Ameritricia in Italy who died in that awful earthquake a few years ago. I went online to look up the recipe which consists of pork and spaghetti with sauce that was made from tomatoes. I usually make it with whole canned tomatoes and tomato sauce and paste then with a large dollop of red pepper flakes. So very tasty and it definitely filled up my belly well. I really enjoy making this recipe. I've always liked spaghetti and I know people who are into slimming don't care for it because of the carbs but I'm not good on keto type of diets. I tried that keto diet and well, did not lose more than seven pounds and I had some issues that made me quit it. I went to a clinic in town that specialised on this sort of diet and when I told the nurse about how I wasn't losing a lot of weight (I was down to about 20 g of carbs by then) she gave me a Rx for metformin. This is a med that diabetics take to control their sugar in the blood. I took a dose and then I suffered a great back pain. I called the nurse and told her of this and she insisted I go to the ER and have them test me for a heart problem. That day wasn't a good day to go to anywhere as they predicted a blizzard. I wasn't about to get stuck in the ER and so I said no I'll not go. She threatened me implying that this was not a good idea. I said forget it and hung up. I discontinued metformin and decided to forget the whole keto diet thing. I think it was too much fat and not a healthy thing to forsake carbs. Our bodies need to have carbs and it's because they get used up when we do normal activities and even if we only walked a mile a day it wouldn't be great to be on a low sugar going on in your bloodstream. I've learned from school (I took Pharmacology in graduate school) that the brain feeds on the glucose it has from the bloodstream so being foggy-minded is not a good sign. I do not have any idea why the back pain happened but it was a transient problem. I'm on a more stable diet and I take carbs and have a healthy smoothie and eat enough for each meal. So I don't know what my weight is right now. I had a fitbit scale that I used before but my fitbit has bit the dust and I don't wish to spend on another one again. I've already gone through two fitbits. I merely go with how I feel and if I can have some carbs, a bit of a vegetable in the diet, and protein then I'm ok. I've not written a lot lately but I'm starting a new novel called The Bridge. It's about a young woman who works in a research laboratory in Paris. She's going through depression because of a lost love who left her (not quite sure how) and that was what has been making her sad even though on the outside she's doing ok. I'm really interested in writing this novel mostly because it's a bit close to my heart and I've had the experience of lost love, and many of you I'm sure had something like that in your lives. I'm trying to get some free time to write. Now I'm also trying to get up to speed with sending out flyers and newsletters to talk about my work and other things that I find interesting. I've started a nonprofit company that is aimed at helping the poor families or individuals, mostly brought to their knees financially due to the COVID issue and from other problems like Acts of God (hurricanes), terror attacks and times of war. I'm also hoping that this nonprofit will help the homeless to get free cell phones so that they can keep in touch with places where they could get help on their own, like jobs or paying bills, or finding a place to live more permanently than the usual places that are established to house the homeless. I'm working on getting the nonprofit a tax status and so that's a big job in itself but it's a challenge and I'm hoping this will come to be achieved. I've put in my name to see about standing for a Council Seat in my city and see how I could be helping as an advocate for the seniors who are on a fixed income, to see how they could be heard because I think they're not able to get their problems to the right people who could help them. There are other places in town like Area IV which is devoted to helping people in cases, for example, finding someone to come and help the elderly who are sick and in need of some care at home. I researched Area IV a while ago when I worried over my Dad and how it might be if he were laid low by an illness or whatever and to see how I could possibly find someone who could see to his care while I was working full time. The people in Area IV were very helpful and sent over a thick packet of information. There were several volunteer organisations that were listed and these would come in handy to call if anything drastic were to happen to my Dad. I hope that you would do your part in finding out how best to care for those who are less fortunate. We are all lucky to have our jobs and our homes, our workplaces and the social stuff we do. I hope that in your readings you can find good ideas about keeping your families healthy and watch out for whatever might be ailing them or even causing then problems. I know there are times we get impatient with our elderly parents or other relatives because they get a bit testy or impatient themselves for the fact they can't do things on their own. So we must always try to find a good way to talk to them and draw them out of their sad feelings. I think we all need to take care of our parents while they are still alive. We derive our own selves from them, after all. We need to keep them in our prayers. We also need to take care of our children and keep them safe. With all that's going on with COVID, we ought to think of better ways to educate them out of the schoolroom. I don't have kids myself but if I did, I'd homeschool them. It's a popular method of educating children. In fact, the UK, France and I think other parts of Europe have homeschooling. There's website or two about homeschooling. One of the people at my church homeschools her kids and they get packages every term or so with new books to teach their kids. It's also a way to bond with your kids and to keep them occupied. It doesn't take a PhD to homeschool your kids and those websites surely have tips on how to homeschool if you're new at it. I am sure we all want to remember Algebra but it will come to you when the time comes! I hope everyone is keeping safe and healthy. Life is precious and we must always try to live healthy and well, Mary |
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