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A collection of thoughts and ideas |
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Welcome friend
You have found my collection of ideas and thoughts. Who knows there might even be an article or two hidden in here. |
| The last couple of days has been hard though I think the hardest part is that I keep dreaming and wanting to be With my man. Yet, we are over 300 miles apart. Normally I would fear scam but this time its different. Why do I say that? Well to start out with I already knew him. We just the first time had partners so we respected our own personal boundaries. Though that did not shut us down from being friend that talked at work. Grant it for the most part we kept it peaceful and pg. Though I can recall at least once I let him vent about things going on in the store to help ease through the day. I got to see him on the fourth of July and well it went from someone I knew and was talking with to knowing where we both stood in the matter of minutes as we both relaxed and answered our hearts. I'm not sure what to do. I know I have to keep working keep what I have so I can provide for my son but at the same time I dream of my man at my side us doing things. From working on rigs, gardening, wonder because we can. curled up together watching TV or movies. I feel the stress poking at me because I am unable to spend time with my man. Yes, I want to get to know him better. Then again I want to share who I am with him as well. |
| 7am if not use to it is too early to start working. I got most of a normal nights worth of sleep. Not counting my son who got a hunger attack about midnight. Woke me up for about 10 minutes shuffling around in the kitchen. Though I can say when I got up at 5am he made me breakfast while I got ready for work. I might have issues with my kiddo not doing chores but major things he is good at listening about. So, now I sit waiting to clock in. Well, really waiting to be let into the building because I am here before my manager. But that's what I get for riding the bus. Be here early or be here late your choice. So, I pick early. Most days I get a cup of coffee before clocking in. Though not today. Today as soon as I get my stuff off I clock in. The good thing is I know how to do the two opening chores I need to do. I just pray they are quick. Grant it that normally is not the case. So what will today bring? That is the question I get to be first hand at seeing. Yesterday was not bad. We did get our gm back and got several things done I was not planning on doing. That is always good. As for today I need to seal up a box get my cleaning done and stay steady for my customers that do enjoy seeing my cheery face on bad days. I got three in a discussion in front of me yesterday about that. Now to figure out how to get them to tell my company through surveys. ******************* Well, this is sort of embarrassing but good as well. I found out I am an hour early and that McDonald's had a free coffee waiting for me. So, now I wait to clock in. Doing my best not to think of the list of things I need to do over this coming week though today I do get to redo the lighting display. Not a hard one as long as I have time to do so. This is after doing my chair cleanup and straightening of tills. I do have one box to build and one to close up for shipping. |
| There are times I hate the way my mind works. Grant it this was self induced. I got myself all worked up that I was going to be able to go see my man just have a doctor pull the rug out from under my feet. Now, I can not really complain there because the one that was going to give me this opportunity was told "NO." by her doctors. So, I have to accept it, but still does not cancel out my frustration and inner voice saying I could have done more when there was nothing I could do. The smallest thing can get me to thinking about him. In fact a discussion I had with the local bird this morning did. Started out being grumped at by a magpie. That in turn got squaked at by a seagull. Grant it the seagull has seen me walk the same path for months and knows I don't have goodies but I don't disturb anyone either. The magpie quited and the seagull started its clicks and coos of morning to me. A different bird chittered morning to me there again it is one that sees me daily. |
| I really have no words for the way he makes me feel. though I can try.A bright sunny day seems gray and bleak compared to when I am with him. A walk that normally would tucker me out to a just keep going mode was just a bounce in the wind.We sat down on a bench next to a lake and it wasn't long before we were cuddled up watching the clouds drift by as we relaxed enjoying the simple things around us. Time did not seem to have meaning it was just there. We were to visitors to somewhere else enjoying each other. chills ran up and down spines while refreshing touches smoothed away stress. Time away feels like a lifetime I have been in such a dark spot that even this time a way is a refreshing change. I just pray it is real for I want to fly to show the stars what he sees.he has seen me stand my ground in the past. he has seen me gather up lost ones and return them to their families.. He is not afraid of what I know. I cannot stop thinking about him. customers will upset me and i take a breath just to find me thinking about being in his arms him baking me even if he dose not agree. |
| This evening as I try to relax watching the others in my apartment complex come and go. I wonder what my future has in store for me. I worry my son will not have what it takes to do online school. I so want an other that is 300 miles away from me. The thing is I make just enough to live week to week. So, a trip any where is always a wind fall of luck. Grant it the last time I planned anything it slapped me in the face. Sadly that was an unfortunate situation because my neighbors doctor said that they could not sit for long times. So, a 600 plus mile drive was out of the question. Now, I sit here rambling to the one I want to be with just to have him say it's ok. He dose not mind reading what i write. Grant it that just makes me want to be able to spend even more time with him. I'm a simple gal. I don't need much. Grant it something my ex could never learn was that us just doing simple things like going for a walk would keep me around and happy simply because we were doing something together. I pray this time i get just that. Someone that really wants to be with me. Someone that dose not think the bottle is better than his family. Just looking over this mixture of emotions it's easy to see how lonely I'm feeling right now. I might have been separated from my ex for 4 plus years as of this month, but it feels like it's been a lot longer than that. I raised my son watching out for his father because if the mans drinking. I left because our last fight he struck me in the eye and it triggered me into full battle mode. I still am not sure how I managed to keep from hurting him but I did pin him till the cops came. My wonderful son so little then dialed the phone for me. When the cops came I had to have them help me unlock my hands from were I had the man pinned to the ground and his hands above his head on the ground. The cops asked why i had locked my hands and i said so i did not kill the one i had pinned. They took him out to the car and i know thought about coming back in to take me till they walked in to see me wrapped around my son making sure he was ok. That was the last day i was with that man as family. I did try to give him a chance to sober up and take his family back but he decided drinking was better. Yes i am rambling but i am in one of those moods it is better to get it out than to store it up for another day. I could use a hug. I could peace in my life again. I could use to be happy once more. I pray that the one I am taking with now is willing to be there for me. I'm not asking to see eye to eye. I understand it is ok to see things differently or to even agree that their ways of seeing something is not mine. I want to be held and know that at least once in awhile I am though of and there is a chance I bring a smile to them knowing that they are loved as well. I know it looks like a lot but really it is not it's just respect. |
| I woke this morning not wanting to leave the embrace of my bedding. warm and soft calming and relaxing. Yet, I knew it was time for me to do so. As I started to rise it was then I felt the resistant pull of one not wanting to leave their side. wanting to hold me closer and send shivers of delight up my spine. Here's the kicker I know I am alone in my bed. I know that there are only two people in my home and the second one it tucked away deep in sleep in his bed in his room. Yet here is the feeling that I am not alone that the one I want is lying there next to me drawing me closer to be wrapped in his loving embrace. I do give in for a moment wrapping my blankets back around me just to realize that he is not there just as I knew he would not be. I sat there for a moment, wishing what I had felt was in the here and now. Wishing I could reach out and find my love at my side. Knowing that if I turn no one will be there. Knowing that my bed is empty and only shows where I have been. Yet, I cannot help but welcome the feeling for at lest even in the shadows of my mind I know what those feelings still are. I will admit that when I curled back up under my blankets hoping it was not a dream than there would be more than just snuggling yet I got to be just wrapped by my blankets clinging to a dream I never know if it will come true. |
| I do my best to stay strong. It's not easy being alone raising my son with out help. It dose not help that he is in a mode of challeng the rules. To top that off I right now am not as strong as I had been for a found someone who I want to be with that is 300 miles away so I tend to get frustrated on little thing because they magnify the frustration of not being able to build a closer physical relationship. The one I want to be around I know respects what I can do. Wich is a great change from many I had been talking to that seam to only want trophy gals that are limited in what they can do. With that said part of what I broke down over was the fact I half had to force my to join me in my make shift yard seating and cooking area. Well to call it make shift is real an insult to what I had created. 3 folding chairs spaced out with either a table or stool tray for drinks a table for food and then my small grilling table with grill. I loved how it came out because it looked like I had made a section in front of my windows my living room. With a grilling spot out in front. My son came out for a bit because I had banned him from being on electronics because he called me a lier about something I said even though he was a sleep. The sad part here is that I did not know he was asleep till later and I mean hours later. So yeah, oure frustration on my part. I think what was worse was the fact I recognized that he might not have heard me because he was sleeping and he flat out called me a lier. |
| It's silly I know, but right now I feel lost. Plans that had been in motion just hit a wall. My dear neighbor had been looking at renting a car for a road trip. We had planned to got up to my home town town 300 miles away. It would have given me a chance to see my bf and my son to get time with his father. That just got shut down thanks to my neighbors doctor saying it was to long a drive for her. So, now I am stuck unable to do what I was planning. Sadly it was one of the few times I was thinking just about me. I normally do all I can to ensure my son has a home food and if he needs me can get a hold of me. It's been years I have done this. Through hell and disappear I have been there for my son. Doing all I can to be there for him and to protect him. Now when I do for me I get turned down just one little thing but still it was just for me. Who knows that might be why i got turned down. Why i am being shown a wall. |
| Someone or something is looking out for me. Everything I have gone through I keep getting aces about getting to spend time with my bf even though he is 300 miles away. The weekend of the 24th I have a chance to gose him. All I need to do is make the arrangements for the ride. I still need to get in touch with my son's father so that they can spend at lest a day together. My neighbor has family in Fairbanks as well so I want to make sure she has someplace to visit as well. All so I can see my bf. |
| I cannot help but go over the walk I took with my bf. things started as a bight sunny day. but in the matter of minutes they brightened and deepened colors becoming sharper and more vibrant. I felt my body relax and sing as if it had just been too tightly wound up. I was tired but in a good way yet also so full of energy I had not felt in a long time. |
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