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A third journal of personal musings |
 My life always continues to change and it only stands to reason that with each change, there should be a journal dedicated to it. |
| “Sometimes when everything seems at its worst when all conspires and gnaws and the hours, days, weeks and years seem wasted – stretched there upon my bed in the dark looking upward at the ceiling I get what many will consider an obnoxious thought: it’s still nice to be myself" ― Charles Bukowski Your thoughts on Bulowski's comment? Do you think it's obnoxious to be ourselves? I think it's funny that we joke about liking to be ourselves is obnoxious. It's something I've always fought with myself for nearly as long as I've been alive. I've been obnoxiously shy which didn't really start until like the end of fifth and into sixth grade? Not that I was Miss. Extrovert or anything, but like I think I noticed that cliques started and not everyone was your friend. I'd probably even say fourth grade, which was kind of when my life changed a lot. My parents went bankrupt and I had to move out of my house that I'd grown up in and loved. The yard was my favorite part and I had secret places that only I'd hang out in. We had to live with friends for 3-4 months before we got our own place. I think I changed a lot then and I think I only remember my shyness really standing out in those years. High school was awful with having to stand up in front of the glass and going over some report I had to write. I hated it. I literally would stutter and my knees would shake. I had awful social anxiety. Like AWFUL. I remember the beginning of seventh grade, we had home coming and I went because yknow, why not. A guy wanted to dance with me and I LEGIT didn't know what to do. I walked out of the school and found some secluded spot outside. Anxiety has also been something I've had to deal with too. Not a wonderful combo by any means. I never realized how long I've had it until really recently. I know it's something I've always dealt with, but it kind of hit me the symptoms and stuff and how I'd feel those things as early as middle school and I had always just assumed it was because I was shy. So dealing with self-esteem issues, shyness, and anxiety has made me hate myself for a long time. It's probably since my parents passed the end of 2012 and the first month of 2013, where something switched in my brain. And not that I still don't fight those issues, but I've realized how much I've learned to like myself. I'll find different qualities within myself and I like them. So that has been new for me, to not just hate myself, but to like myself too. This quote actually made me laugh a bit because I had this thought a few months ago. Where I was laying in bed, in the dark, and I realized that I was glad that I was myself. |
| Prompt: Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” As best stories sometimes come out of their authors’ fears, what do you say for writing about one thing that scares you every day? For example, what scares you today? It's a few degrees off I think the point of this question, but I am currently working on a full-on fantasy story. Fantasy writing has always terrified me and it's funny because I always get that it's the easiest to write. Maybe so. Maybe it is the easiest, but you need a strong foundation of your world and the people in it for it to be successful. I don't mean like financially successful, but successful to your readers. It needs to be believable. It needs to have some kind of something for the readers to feel as concrete so they can accept the rest. There has to be rules, just like there are in real life. I've never had to create the rules before. Always just based everything on what everybody already knows. Now it has been fun, but it has toyed with my anxiety. I don't want to be cliche, not fully anyway. I don't want the story to be boring. I want to have an arch that is interesting and grabs hold of the reader. Why, might you ask, am I writing something that has terrified me? Well, firstly, it's been an idea that has been stuck inside my head FOR YEARS. Like literally right after I moved to Indiana, it started as a story I'd tell myself to fall asleep. It started out as kind of two stories that I eventually merged into one and it's just kind of nagged at me. I finally decided to start world building, character creating. I even purchased some Fantasy stories to read and get inspired by. It might still be awhile before I actually fully focus on working on it. I've got some other stories to work on anyway, so it's for the better, but I am at least working with it. It also feels...good to work on something that is different than my usual. Plus I've been pulling in inspiration from mythology. All kinds of mythology. I've always found it exciting and fun, so it's been fun to pull from that and use it in different spots in my ever evolving plot. And since I'm here on this topic, maybe anyone who is reading this who is a fantasy lover or writer, if you could point out some good authors or give me some good points OR if anyone knows where I could go to get some good points for writing fantasy, that would be awesome too. I'll probably be poking around somewhere here eventually. |
| I was going to make an entry yesterday, but I decided to do it today because I figured it might make more sense in the grand scheme of things. For me, anyway. So, I always make a new journal when there's been change in my life or there's been time enough since my last entry in my previous one, which usually just means there's shit going on in my life. Anyway, since this one is still young and new it's kind of perfect for the newest change in my life: a new position at work. It isn't a promotion, though many of my co-workers believe so! But I moved from the Front End, where I was a cashier assistant (where I basically do anything and everything. Technically, I am helping out the cashier. I help unload carts, let the cashier know if there are any items still in the cart and under the cart that they need to scan, then reload the cart. I also take items back or go get items.) to the floor as a morning merchant. Which means I get up at 3 am to be to work at 4am. I am not a morning person, though at certain points in my life, I've more or less become one. Not that I am my father, because that will never happen ever (he was one of those I am AWAKE as soon as they open their eyes and you want to punch them in the face), but I can do it and I almost prefer it, because I'm out of work earlier. I'm excited for the position change because I get to have a life again. I can cook dinner, I can go do things after work and not miss time at home. I can see Matt. I mean, I have seen more of him simply because he's been working from home mostly (though he has to go on site because he's part of Eli Lilly's Covid project), so like on my day's off or maybe before I go into work. But I worked until 7:30/8 sometimes or like the last month, they've tossed me on some shitty late shifts and I didn't see him at all, because of course those days he had to be into work so he was gone before I got up and in bed when I got home. Now, I'll be out of work at 12:30. Today was my first day. I work in what we call Department 19. Which is basically just where you can buy the brick cheeses, soups, quick meals, etc. Usually stuff you'd find in a deli area at the supermarket. It's a bit challenging, mostly because I'm new and getting used to what boxes look like and how things operate, but I really like it so far. The day literally flew by. After I have my lunch, I do help out the Front End, but it's like 3 hours. So, I'm okay with that. But I am really happy and I'm hoping that I can get back to things I've once enjoyed and haven't really been able to because of the hours I was working. Plus when it comes to my writing, I'm hoping it will be helpful too. Obviously, a lot of it has been this Covid stuff and with the way it's been at work, it has been mentally draining and has literally just put a stop to my writing. More recently, I've had some itches to write, but again, that has come to time, so with this new position change, I'm hoping that it will help. Anyway, I'm going to end this so that I can COOK DINNER. Because yknow, I want to and not because I'm tired af. |
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