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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| ........ |
| One week down and thank God, so far, no withdrawal symptoms. No doubt, the meds are working...I had a short bout with my legs getting twitchy last night, but I soon fell asleep, much to my relief. In some ways, avoiding the inevitable is not a good thing. If I can avoid the price that I have always paid, what is to stop me the next time I approach the three-month mark, where relapse is a certainty? Three months...this is the tipping point for me...in both directions. When I am using and I become bored. I see my bank account dwindling, and I long for change takes three months. On the other side of the coin, when I am in Straightsville for three months, I long for the high, and get bored with living my life without drugs. What is the answer to this conundrum? Accept that drugs can no longer be a part of my life? Or go the other way, and accept that I will never get away from the lure of the drug, and continue until the inevitable end? Or (please realise that I am thinking aloud here), cycle three months on, and three months off. Ludicrous? Idiotic? The dumbest thing you have ever heard? Hear me out here and maybe you might see where I am coming from. I have NEVER been able to shake my addiction...and almost like clockwork, three months is the time it takes to trigger my want for change. In the past, this cycle has been such a difficult thing for me to swallow. The guilt and shame that comes from relapse is almost unbearable. And who is to say that after any three month period, I don't choose to stay with it...either way? All I know is what I have been doing ISN'T WORKING. I am trying to think outside the box here. This idea is not set in concrete. I have my appointment on Tuesday and this idea is definitely one thing I will discuss with my Counsellor. I'm sure you might be thinking, as she likely will, and not be receptive to the idea. And maybe, like one friend was quick to point out to me, it's the meth talking. I don't know. But, one thing I do know is that nothing has worked so far, and I am just trying to think of another way. To be honest, the idea appeals to me...to have my cake and eat it might be one way of looking at it, or, it might be the solution I have been searching for, that was right under my nose the whole time. https://youtu.be/VjEq-r2agqc Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush...Don't Give Up...such a beautiful song, and apt for my situation. |
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