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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
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I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much. |
| Doesn't it? I'm back at school again from half-term. It feels weird being here, I was quite happy not coming here every day during the half-term. I enjoyed doing my work at home. I haven't had any lessons yet, but you never know, I might enjoy them. Hah. Lol. What can I say? I had a great half-term. I worked hard, I even came to school to do extra work, but I also had so much fun. Martin has stayed over quite a lot during the last two weeks, and I love it. I love waking up to find him next to me. We've been going out over 10 months  In some ways it feels longer than that, but in others, it feels like it just hasn't been long enough. I want to know more about him, I want to know what makes him tick, what makes him happy, and what I can do to make sure his life is as good as he deserves. I'm so lucky. For example, Andi and Gemma are arguing all the time now (gutter!  ), and he doesn't even care that they've been going out a year! So, no anniversary plans there lol. We'll definitely do something, because this means a lot to us. It means a lot because we've been hurt before, and this is a new start, and confirmation that this is only the beginning of something amazing. A year...it's a long time. Some people might not agree...but it doesn't feel like that long a time. I was going out with Carl for 18 months...yeah that almost killed me, but it didn't feel that long...With Martin, the time has just flown by. I'm always so much happier when I'm with him. I think I'm a better person too. I think I've had a good effect on him too. He's got himself into university with lots of hard work, and I did try to push him and encourage him to do his best, because I know he can do it. And he has I've introduced him to things he hasn't really thought much about before, art, theatre, books. He's reading The DaVinci Code at the moment, the first book he's chosen to read on his own that wasn't homework lol. I'm proud of him  What's best though, is that he's enjoying it. And he's encouraged me to further my musical abilities, e.g. buying me a new guitar, which I always wanted. I'm getting better at the guitar too I've picked it up quite quickly, and I love it! I've been playing a good half an hour a day, or until my fingers hurt too much lol. I can't wait until I can play whatever I want. I just love it so much! Can't wait till I can also help with the band. I'm mad at Dad. He's making Katie feel like he doesn't love us, because he hasn't talked to us for two weeks now. He wasn't bothered about my recording studio experience, that HE bought. He isn't bothered about what Katie's up, what I'm up to...we just don't matter. His "proper" family, is more important than us. Meh. It's really getting to Katie. Yeah, it gets to me too, but she needs to feel like she matters, like she's an important part of everyone's lives. Grrr....but yay, because I'm still happy with my boyfriend I hate using that word...to me he's so much more than just a boyfriend...He's coming to Essex with us next weekend I'm so excited! |
| And what have I got to show for it? I suppose quite a lot. I've done a heck of a lot of work over this holiday. More than I usually do by this time. I usually wait until Sunday night to do it all lol. I've actually done extra too...which is comforting. Went shopping with Mum and Katie today, was very good Got a lot of things that I looooove. And a couple of things I'm upset didn't quite fit right. I still need some new shoes for work, since they've changed the bloody uniform code. We now have to wear SMART things!?!?! Two years there, and I've been able to wear jeans and t-shirts and stuff...now I can't even wear a zipped-top or I'll get sent home. It's ridiculous. I was so hormonal that day at work I actually had tears in my eyes about it lol. *sigh*. I just don't understand what good it's going to do us. I really don't. Our productivity is constant and good, and we're only Saturday staff so...I don't get it. Meh. Makes me annoyed just thinking about it, and thinking about the fact I have to go buy new clothes just for bloody work! Argh. |
| Is it bad that I've lost all interest in writing at the moment? Even the thought of writing a blog has made me feel exhausted lately. I have a lot of things going on. I'm under a lot of pressure and stress to get my work done and to achieve my goals. My goals are very high, and it's going to take blood, sweat and tears to reach them. I just can't seem to find any inspiration for writing whatsoever. It's been like this for about a year. No doubt I'll come back to it in later life...but I miss it. I miss writing terribly. There's just no time anymore  When it tells me that I haven't updated my blog for over 24 days...it makes me feel like the past 24 days have passed me by and I'll never remember them... I do though...if I think about it. I had a lovely Valentine's Day. Martin took me to this amazing restaurant by the Quayside that we're going to go back to. Things between us have just got better and better. Instead of feeling so consumed by him...I just feel like a pair. Like he's my other half. It doesn't hurt to be away from him like it used to, I just look forward to seeing him instead. The time we spend together is so special, but I've learnt that it's okay to do other things. Usually those other things are doing homework and stuff, but still... *sigh* I best get on with some work. I feel behind and it's the half term holidays lol. |
| You know I haven't written anything recently apart from a couple of poems, and I think I wrote those months ago. I just can't seem to just sit down and get something written. My imagination for original work feels incredibly dried up, and it's starting to get to me. I love writing. I loved posting things on here and getting reviews for all my new material. But it's just lost. I'm going to try and write something random now...just to see what I can get going... "You're so funny!" I told him, snuggling into his arm, and closing my eyes. "Funny looking you mean!" Slowly I turned to face him. "You know, I never thought that would get old. But you say it every SINGLE TIME!" My fingers dove down to his ribs and I tickled him lightly. "It's probably my own fault..." I began, as he writhed with a mixture of pain and pleasure. "I mean, I should just stop saying it, but I can't help it if you make me laugh!" We were both laughing now, and his beaming smile sent shivers down my spine. A moment passed. He caught me off guard and rolled me over so that he was now in control of the play-fight. I pouted. I loved it when he leant over me like he was, a predatory look in his eye, yet a tenderness gleaming softly behind it. He brought his free hand to my face, and his fingers trailed down my cheek slowly, moving towards my chin. Slowly, he leant down further, his hand now cupping my cheek instead. I couldn't help but shiver again. I was terrified and excited at the same time. The way he was looking at me now, his lips moving closer and closer to mine, was so full of unrestricted passion that my stomach was doing flips. He smiled for a moment, opened his lips slightly, and pressed his soft, warm lips against my own. Electricity filled my body, a wondrous fire of emotion racing through my veins. I breathed heavily into his kiss, and moved my hands to his hair, threading my fingers into his short, brown locks. The kiss deepened, and our tongues met. In this moment of pure, unadulterated passion, I also experienced a moment of pure clarity. This man...this man with his warm, soft lips, and his curly hair...this man with the sparkling eyes, the gentle touch, loved me very much. And I was now beginning to realise just how much I was in love with him. I pulled back and smiled, sighing a little. "What?" he questioned. I let a moment creep by before I said anything. I took a deep breath, and felt something strong and fiery withing me stirring. I shrugged. "I love you." |
| My sister is being referred to a counsellor by her GP. I can't believe she's depressed. It makes me feel guilty, must make Mum feel very guilty too...She's only 15! I've been getting through to her, little by little, but a trained counsellor will know just how to help her. It's weird, because that's what I want to do after University...I want to help young people. What I'd like most, is to be employed by schools to give students counselling there. I hate knowing she's unhappy, but what's worse is knowing I can't help. Hmm...Everything seems to be so crazy at the moment. I'm so stressed :S I think that's the reason for my mood swings and my constant exhaustion no matter how much I sleep. I just feel very lost at the moment. I need to get back into momentum. *sigh*. |
| I can't believe it's been over 17 days since I last posted a blog... Things have been...different...lately. My step-mum recently got diagnosed with MS...well not even recently, just after Christmas, and Dad neglected to tell us until a month later. I know he had his reasons, but still...I hate feeling like we're not a part of the family. I guess to him, we're not. I'm worried about how they're going to cope. Sam hates not being able to be in control all the time, not being able to do everything and make sure that everything's perfect. She's going to find it extremely difficult to pass the bill to anybody else. Yet, this is something that I feel she must do if she is going to battle this illness and learn to live with it. My step-dad's sister...I've known her for what, 6/7 years? I never even knew she had MS, and yet she carries on and she lives her life. It is extremely sad for the boys...2 and 5 years old. Hopefully though, she lives long enough, and is capable to raise them....and Dad...he's devastated. He also went to hospital the other day with really bad stomach pains, they gave him some antibiotics...but who knows what it is. It doesn't just rain, it pours. Exams...I've got one tomorrow, I've had two already...not going well. I just feel so unprepared and completely exhausted all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. Went to the Kerrang sponsored gig last night. Bullet for my Valentine, Hawthorne Heights, Still Remains and Aiden all played. They were all rather good Bullt were amazing. Absolutely amazing. They just have such a presence on stage, they know how to entertain, and yet, they're just playing music. Very tired today though, and my ears are still ringing lol. Which isn't good :-S Had a good time though, just me and Martin. And he was protecting me Rock gigs get pretty rough, lotsa pushing and mosh pits, but he always kept his arm around, keeping me safe, keeping me from falling over lol. I liked him being protective Kayleigh's decided to move to Ibiza for 6 months in April...so all our preparation for The Pillowman (play we're doing for our Drama Practical) might all be in the shit. And she's not doing her exams. Which is stupid. I'm pissed off and disappointed with her. She's really dropped us in it. Grrrrrr. Amanda's dropped out. Again...lol. I don't know what to do with them all. We're supposed to be going to Edinburgh in a couple of weeks for the weekend, me, Kayleigh, Amanda and David...but it's gonna be really awkward. And I know Kayleigh's feeling guilty about it all, and is taking it out on me....so it'll kick off. I'm not sure I want to go anymore. I'd rather go with Martin for the weekend. Meh. Eee, it's all horrible at the moment. Only thing keeping me going is Martin. |
| I've had this really weird head ache this evening...Makes my head feel very heavy and dizzy, and it *really* hurts behind my eyes. I think its all just my sinuses. I had a sore ear yesterday, so it's probably just similar things... *sigh* can't wait for a time I'm not ill. Always seem to be. Had a nice day today. Went shopping a bit with Mum and Katie, then we went to the cinema and saw Just Like Heaven. Was a nice film I always come out of rom-com's texting Martin how much I love him. Those sort of films always make me realise how lucky I am to almost have a fairy-tale. I know that in reality, nobody really does, but I almost do. Yesterday he said I was an angel who had come to save him, and now I have. Just the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. I've never meant that much to anyone...(or at least never really been told how special I am). It was so nice to hear him say that (or read it, since it was a text lol). I love it when he expresses how much he needs me. I crave it. I need to know I'm important and that I matter. I always have. If I don't have a purpose or a meaning in life, then what's the point? Those purposes and meanings change...but if I didn't have one at all...life would be meaningless. I think we all have a purpose, and our lives all have meaning and that we are each given a job to do in this world. We should affect people in a positive way, we should all be working towards a better place, or at least better people. There are so many scared, lonely people out there...we should help them. If thugs weren't scared, or weren't lonely or insecure, they wouldn't be thugs. We can change the world. Person by person we can change bad opinions and bad lifestyles, we can change the way people view the world. So why shouldn't we? Why are some people so adamant that it's not their problem? We have a duty to each other to try our best to make changes. Even in our own lives. If we all made small changes in our everyday lives...help out more, be a little more sensitive, be more generous...we can change the world. I really believe that. Piece by piece, our world will change, we just need a little hope. I'm not one of those people who just accept that human nature is evil, and that all we're capable of is conflict and pain and hurting each other. I believe that every person is capable of great good. We just need to bring it out If you're reading this, go and spread some joy, make someone smile, change your part of the world. |
| I know that every year I always say, "oh yes, I'm going to try to be nicer, try to lose some weight, try to do more exercise, keep up with my school work." AND I NEVER DO IT. Maybe the trick is setting myself achievable goals...I don't know. I want to be a better person. I want to be more organised, more understanding...but I know that wanting something doesn't mean you'll get it. I'm going to play badminton with Katie on Monday, maybe we could make it a weekly thing, go play badminton together. Would be cool Sisterly time together and some good exercise. Especially with Katie, since she plays for the County Squad. I've also decided that, since being able to drive mum's car around (yes, this link is tenuous), that I'm going to try to help around the house more. Driving alone takes a lot out of you, it definitely tires me, and maybe mum and Alan need a bit more lee-way in that respect. Just little things. Hoovering, loading the dishwasher, making sure wrappers are put away, that my washings put away...If I start with little things, I can only improve right? I miss Mr Martin. So, so much. If anything, my new years resolution is to strengthen our relationship. Be there for him. Hmm.......I love him. Gotta go...Katie's dressing me lol** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I saw him the day after our argument and we just hugged for like two hours. He was holding me so tightly, I felt more love in that hug than I've ever felt from anybody. I have faith in him. I have faith in us. He is a good man. He's insecure...but he is a good man. When we're together, the emptiness that I usually feel, the loneliness...the complete terror that shakes through me that I am alone in this world, disappears. I saw him again today and things were so peaceful...I just love being around him. He's so sweet. Not in a....I dunno, charmer, lying sort of way...just genuinely a very sweet person. And after what he's been through, in life and his relationships, I wouldn't be very sweet in his position. But he keeps his head up, he tries. He fights. And he fights for me. When we were arguing the other day, and I sreamed at him to get out my car...he eventually did, and I burst into tears. I saw him walk away. Five seconds later he came running back to comfort me. If he was spiteful, or nasty or cruel to me, he wouldn't care about my feelings, he would be more concerned with his own. But he never is. How I feel always comes first. And I am grateful. I think when school starts up again, and we won't see each other every day, things will continue to be amazing. No hiccups. I guess it shows that we're not quite ready to move in together yet, that we still need some sort of space. Personally, I always need time to miss him. I like missing him. Well...it hurts...but when I don't miss him, I miss missing him....LOL. I love my family. They're good people. They would never hurt me. I have a very good family and I'm lucky. Some people's families....are just awful. Their home situations are so bad, that I admire their strength and courage for just getting on with it. I am lucky. I'm lucky that I finally feel loved, and wanted, and part of something special. |
| I don't know why I'm so scared...but I just feel really uneasy, on edge and yearning to know that everything's ok. We've been texting each other all day...and we've both said how much we don't want to break up...so why isn't that enough? Why don't I feel okay I'm just so scared of losing him. When we're arguing it feels like it would be so much easier and better if we just ended it...but then afterwards, when I think about that thought...that little bit of doubt...I feel sick. I feel sick now. I feel sick knowing that I might lose him. He's my entire world...I've sat around all day doing absolutely sweet FA. All I've done is think about him. What is it about heartache that makes you so lethargic? I'm so scared...what if he changes his mind? He keeps saying that he's going to change, that it's him that needs to change his ways because it's always him....but is it? Sometimes, yeah...it is. Personally, I feel that there are some things that he could have handled better, he could handle his temper and his defence mechanisms...but it probably is me. How could it not be me? I've not suddenly changed into a person that doesn't do wrong. I always do wrong...it's always me...I need him... I was talking to this girl today, old friend from high school...and she's doing the exact thing that I hate when girls get dumped. Beg and cry and drink. HE LEFT HER FOR ANOTHER GIRL, AND YET STILL WANTS HIM BACK?!?!?! What is wrong with people? Not just her, the guy aswell...why can't people just be nice Why can't people get along. Why does there have to be evil in the world? Why do people have to get hurt? Will I get hurt?I have so many questions that will never be answered...so many questions about my future that I will never have answered until I get there. Like...am I being a fool for putting my heart on the line? Will I regret the trust I'm putting in this relationship? I'm so scared. I don't want to get hurt, and I don't want to lose him. I bet whoever's reading this is thinking I'm pathetic lol. I probably am being pathetic *sigh*. I guess though, if you've ever been in love, you must have had some of these doubts before too...I don't have them often. I'm usually filled with this innate sense that he will be my husband and that he will father my children. Just right now *sigh*. *10 minutes later* Just been messing around with my sister, having a good laugh, and I feel a little bit better now. She's funny lol. Always manages to cheer me up...well not always lol, because sometimes she causes it...but a lot of the time. We have some good fun, me and Katie. You can always rely on your family can't you |
| There's always those sayings that tell us that wherever there is pleasure, there is pain, and whenever there is great happiness, there will always be great unhappiness. I'm starting to think there is some truth in these words. Most of the time, Martin and I are so, so happy. Sometimes so happy I feel as if nothing can stop me, or us. I love him so much. Yet, other times...the arguments are so bad. They're always over stupid stuff...but by the end of them, it has nothing to do with the original annoyance, but the way we've treated each other during the argument...I don't know why the way he talks to me hurts me so badly...but it just makes me want to give up. I don't know if it's guilt. I have to admit that today I was stubborn. I refused to admit that I had a go at him about something (even though it was about him giving his ex his new number, which I found bizarre.). He said it was an accident...but it doesn't seem like one...but I have to trust him. He wouldn't lie to me would he? She's the one who helped him through his hardest times, maybe he can't let go of that yet. Maybe he can't let her completely exit his life...at least by having eachothers number they still have that connection...that comfort... or am I being stupid. I don't know. She only text him happy birthday...but I personally don't think she should have had his number if he doesn't want to talk to her again. He was even spiteful enough to bring up the fact I texted Carl off my new number by accident once, so that was how he got it...It's not fair to avoid taking responsibility for what he's done by bringing up my past mistakes. Yes, I did text Carl. Why? Because I was worried about him. I still worry about him. I destroyed him. I got him drinking on his own, I took away all his friends, all his hope, all his happiness. It was my fault he was so depressed. And I don't doubt that he was depressed...I felt guilty. Whenever somebody's hurting, I always want to help, maybe it wasn't wise trying to help him...but I learnt that lesson. I cut him out of my life completely for Martin. I almost broke up with him today. I got into my car and drove off. But I came back, only to get shouted at some more. I just don't know what's wrong with us lately. Maybe we've been spending too much time together, or maybe we're just not as compatible and perfect for each other as we first thought. I don't know. I'm confused. I know that it seems easier to just finish things. But I would not be happier. I'm going to be honest, the way I feel about him is different. At first, I wasn't sure whether that was good. I feel whole because of him, I feel safe, yet I don't feel obsessed with everything he does. I worry...but I don't get obsessed or a bit psycho-g/f...which I used to do...I TRUST HIM. I find it hard sometimes, but I do. I love him so much. He's so different to anyone else I've met. I can't let him leave my life. I just hope that we can work things out because I do need him. He does make me a better person. Meh. He's going to end up finishing me...Just watch this space... |
| Well...I realised I never said if I actually passed my driving test, I did and I actually did pretty well. It is making the holiday period easier in regards to seeing Martin, since public transport is so bad at the moment... Well, I almost had a good night out. I was out with Martin for Bry's (my band's main singer) birthday. We were having a really good time at How's house, everyone was getting a little bit tipsy, but it was all good. Buuuut, when we got to town, we went to this club Digital, which we've been to many a few times. And I noticed that Martin was acting funny, but he said nothing was wrong. Then when we got out to go for our taxi, I asked him if anything had been up...and he said that he thought I was staring at someone when I was in the cloakroom queue, and then he thought I fancied one of the guys we were with! It's like thanks, SO MUCH, for the confidence, especially when you were with me ALL NIGHT. God...and he's just so nasty when we argue...Meh...it's all fixed now though, he knew from the start his thoughts were silly, but I beat it out of him...which yeah, was stupid. Should have just left him to it. Nevermind |
| I had a great Christmas I was spoilt as I as always am. Got loads from Mum and Alan and loads from Dad and co. I also think everyone liked their presents I was let down by my friends....only got one present from a friend, and I gave out like 7...But I guess that isn't important. Just would be nice to feel appreciated. *for once* Got lovely presents from Martin too. Shame about my guitar...we went halfers on one...proper lush one too, and it was damaged hopefully get a new one I really want it. Well...I guess why I'm feeling bloggy...is because last week Anne-Marie and her boyfriend broke up for like no reason, after a bad run of events...after 14months. She's devastated. She's tried everything. She doesn't eat, she drinks, she says she's lost 3/4 of a stone in a week...and though I'm not sure that's possible, it's still not good. I really don't know what to say to her. I thought they'd have sorted it by now, but Chris messing her around a bit...14 months and he won't even try it...neither of them even did anything much wrong...just came out of the blue...It really makes you wonder how and why...and whether it's possible that my relationship could go from amazing...to suddenly over...and unfixable. She must be going through a state of shock, and then just missing him so much...she's so upset...it's hard to console her, because I don't know what he's going to do, I can't even predict anymore. I can't think of any decent reasons why he's being like this. I don't want me and Martin to break up suddenly I know we're actually pretty good at resolving arguments...we never leave things stirring, always sort them within like 5 mins of it happening lol. I just can't lose him. Is it bad to be so dependent on someone? Is it worth the risk of being like Anne-Marie is feeling because she was so dependent on Chris? I know the answer to that. It is worth it. But it's bloody scary at the same time. Relationships are so fragile. They can break so fast...things can be fine, and the next minute you could be refusing to eat for a week...I do feel for her...I would be in the same state she is...I suppose it just frightens me...It does worry me that I've given so much of myself to Martin, handed my heart over to him on a platter that he can do whatever he likes with. If he wants to break it, he can...which is scary. I know I have to have faith...but when you see fourteen month relationships going down the drain over nothing...it's pretty terrifying...I suppose all experiences...even helping Anne-Marie through her break-up are about learning...this experience is to help me understand and be grateful for what I've got, appreciate how amazing my relationship is, how amazing my boyfriend is...appreciate my family, my Christmas, my life, my talents...I really am grateful. I'm lucky. I was on the phone to someone who's life has just been torn apart and she's completely lost. And there's me, as happy as ever, absolutely smitten and happy with my life...it's just not fair. She's doesn't deserve it. |
| And I'm completely terrified. If I pass...I will probably cry with happiness...if I fail, I think I will cry because I've spent so much money on lessons lol. I know I'm capable. I've got the ability to do everything that they ask...so yeah, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to give it my best and hopefully I'm going to come out with a pass. If I do pass, it will be amazing and will make christmas just so much easier. I'll be able to drive down to Whitley Bay on Christmas Day/New Years Day. It'll just be great Wish me luck everybody. |
| I had another amazing time with Martin yesterday. Again, just lying in my bed, holding each other...talking about the world, our hopes, our fears. It felt so right, it felt absolutely perfect. My heart was pounding the whole time. I love kissing him. I love how he kisses me softly on the lips, taking one lip inbetween his before deepening our kiss. I love how our lips fit together. How amazing it feels when they're pressed together. I love him more than ever. It seems that lately, after all the petty arguments, things are starting to fall into place. Sublime happiness has came our way...something neither of us have truly felt, or felt that we deserved...if anybody's reading this, and they know how I feel...then they must truly be in love also...I can't describe how I feel about him...and for someone who loves words, I find it really difficult to comprehend. I even cried yesterday. I cried because I felt so happy, so lucky, and I felt so loved...lying in his arms, or him lying in mine...it's perfect. I love it when he lies in my arms, snuggles his head on my chest...he looks so vulnerable, so different to the strong man I usually have to hold. I love it that he lets me in so openly, that he lets me see this vulnerability, lets me see who he really is. It makes me want to protect him, keep him from harm. Hopefully I will do. If I can. I hope we have more and more days like the two we've just had, complete and utter bliss and happiness and perfection. I'm so in love with him I could cry. He makes me so happy that I swear I must be dreaming. I still don't believe that he's real. How could someone seem so made for me? How can I have been lucky enough to find "the one" so soon... I don't care what anybody says. It's not impossible to find the person you share your life with at my age, yeah it doesn't happen very often in our society...but I have. I've thought I've loved people before...but it does not compare AT ALL. What I've felt for people means nothing compared to how I feel about Martin. I'm *in* love with him. You know, I dreamed, I wished, I wrote about what being in love would feel like...and it's better. Better than what I could have hoped or fantasised about. I'm so lucky...I'm so lucky that's he in love with me. I'm so lucky that we work so well, that we're able to love each other, that nothing will get in our way. *sigh* I miss him. I didn't think it was possible to be this excited and happy with my relationship after 8 months....it's exciting!!!!!! |
| Mortality is something that we don't often talk about...how fragile our lives really are. I've just been reading someone else's blog, and they mentioned this...so I thought I'd give my thoughts on it. It's my dream in life to affect people. I want to bring about positive change. If it turns out that this is through the counselling/therapy that I'm moving towards, or through whatever musical things come my way, I would be honoured. I want to change people's lives...I want to be remembered as someone who really cared about people and really wanted to make people's lives better. I've always tried to be there for people, always tried my best to be a good friend and listen to them...and yes, nearly every single one of them has taken advantage of that and spat in my face. I want to be remembered as someone who made you smile...I'm fully aware that some people find me boring at times...this is usually because I'm nervous around friends that I think are "cooler" than me, and therefore I talk drivel...which is stupid and hopefully I'll grow out of...but I want to make people's day a bit brighter. I want people to be able to talk to me about what's bothering them and feel better afterwards. I was talking to Martin today about his ex...I never really knew how they broke up, and I just wanted to know...I have to say that the degree he was still hurt by it shocked me at first...but if I'm brutally honest, I still get upset by what Robbie did to me sometimes. They're just memories I suppose, it doesn't mean I still have feelings for him; I don't. Martin really has been treated badly, he's had such a tough life so far...and I'm amazed that he's still such an incredible person. By now, I would have given up on people if I'd been hurt so many times. I'm truly lucky that he's mine...and thankful that I can make him happy, he deserves it... Today was amazing. Just one of those times together where we're lying on my bed on our sides, looking at eachother. When I look into his eyes, I see...well, I'm not quite sure what I see...but it's comforting. Everything just slows down, time doesn't mean anything anymore, and I forget about everything. I forget about everything that's ever hurt me, I forget about the bed beneath me, I forget about my family...and all there is, is hope and love and light. His face lights up a room. He just makes everything alright...it doesn't matter what's happened during the day, what's happened to me during my life...everything's ok when he's around. When we're lying together like that, I feel closer to him than I've felt to anyone. It's such an invigorating and yet calming feeling, absolute contentment and joy. It's like we're connected, like he can hear my thoughts, and I his. We don't need words when we're like this... I can't really explain it...but it's amazing. *sigh* |
| I've just started my mock exams. My first one has gone pretty darn well...Spanish Speaking Test, I got 51/70 (72%) which is a B I did work hard for it. I pretty much flunked one part of it, but because I did so well in the other part, I got a good grade I'm proud. Psychology tomorrow, that's going to be really hard. I hope the same thing happens that always has in my Psychology exams...That as soon as I start writing, I start remembering...I've been practising the exam question, there was a couple of things I couldn't remember fully...but we'll see how it goes. We'll see. You know what. I'm working hard. I'm enjoying it. I like reaping the benefits of working hard, that's why I do it. I like feeling good about myself and knowing that I've done well because I've worked for it, and that I DESERVE to do well. I hope I do well in all my other exams, I really do. If I put the work in, I don't see why I can't.... I miss Martin...It's getting to that point again where I'm starting to feel alone. I hate it. I just miss the feel of his lips, the feel of his warm hands on mine, the strength of his cuddle, the intensity of his look as his eyes stare into mine...his laugh, his smile, his quirks...I miss him so much. Was talking to Mum again about moving out when I go to Uni, she doesn't think we'd cope living together and that it's not how I expect. I really can't live at home, I want to be independent and get out into the real world. It's not even that I don't like living at home, I love it...I just feel that I want to grow up some more, discover who I am without being so sheltered and nudged in the right direction. I want to make some more mistakes and learn from them. I would even get the £750 that Dad pays Mum for me in maintenance. That would cover flat rent and food, and maybe even travel. I wouldn't be living in squalor, and I could even afford a car if I'm still working. University is going to be the time where I grow the most...and I want to grow with him. I think we will find it hard...but by next October, I think we'll be a mature enough couple to take that next step and deal with whatever problems arise. It's not like we don't speak for days if we've fallen out, we always sort things straight away, so we'd never be homeless. And I know he'd pay his own way...and I know we would argue, there's no doubt...but I really believe we could get through it. We'll have been going out about 18 months by then, is that not a good time -if we're serious enough about each other- to start taking our relationship further? We've already been away together twice and absolutely loved it. I love falling asleep and waking up with him. I love taking care of him, making him cups of tea, I love him making my dinner...I just love it. I want more of it. I think we'd be ready. But Mum doesn't think so *sigh*. Then again, it's not her life. It's mine. Meh. Anyone any ideas? |
| Well...everything's a bit iffy. Got mock exams starting next week, I'm unprepared, over-stressed, and feel like I'm going to fail. There's just not enough time. If I had another week, would be fine...hurts to type, fingers too cold. Didn't speak to Martin all day yesterday or today, and when I did talk to him today...we both felt the same, that it felt like we were alone. I really felt alone, I don't feel like a pair, just that I have a boyfriend. Usually I feel so close to him, even when he's far away, 'cause we're texting, phoning, emailing all the time. It sucks ass. Really badly. Thing is, now that I missed him so much yesterday, I'm kinda over it today and don't miss him at all. I'm just too tired really lol. Had an early night aswell...Bleh, things are not great atm. Stressful, tiring, I think I have SAD...LOL. *meep* oh well. |
| If anybody is wondering why the sudden lack of blog posts...I guess it's because school is pretty shite at the moment. I had an amazing time in Paris. He almost ran off the plane...but we made it, and had a really, really good time. Didn't die in an riots either What's been happening since then...urm...went to Andi's gig last night. Gemma spoke to me...a little too much I guess...Was very strange. It's just how it starts again. Start talking sometimes, then start talking more...or I could be reading too much into it. I usually do. But she didn't have to talk to me, she actually came over to talk to me...meh. It's so confusing. It's hard to hate someone when they don't ignore you lol. And Martin...I've seen him so much lately, I miss being able to miss him...because I know I'll always see him nearly every day. It kinda sucks ass. I guess it's my turn to get out the honey moon phase. You'd think it would have been sooner than nearly 8 months down the line lol. But nevermind. I like missing him...Not that it feels nice at the time, but it makes every moment I spend with him even more special. And it's not that I don't enjoy his company, I love being with him...just want some time to myself...and I need to get on top of my work. I've been getting really upset about my work...I feel like I'm trying really hard in all my subjects, I always get my homework done, I always work hard in class...but still fucking teachers are giving me a "satisfactory" assessment. Even fucking Miss Pelican...I've done more work than anybody in the class, and I'm still on satisfactory, I'm in more than anyone else in the class, I just don't understand. I should be on "good"'s. Not fucking satisfactory's. And Spanish, I'm apparently working on a Grade C level. So really, I'm not going to get into Uni. I just wanna cry. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Why can't I just succeed like I usually do, I hate failing...I'm trying so hard Maybe they want more private study...revision...I don't know...but I ask for help from Miss P and she doesn't give it. It's fucking unacceptable that I'm getting satisfactory. That's going to go back to my mum and I'll get bollocked. Fucking stupid. I'm so pissed off. |
| Meh. Am in PSE with zee bootiful Kayleigh sat next to me. Stupid UCAS, Stupid Universities, Stupid Tutor Statements. I'm scared that I'm blatantly going to fail everything. Don't feel like I'm getting anywhere....Sorry I haven't written anything for like two weeks...things have been very busy....Meep. I miss Martin.... |
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