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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
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I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much. |
| Grrrr. Ran for the bus again today, got just to the bus stop, and the bus driver drove off. Meh. I was upset. And late for school again. Not that anybody noticed anyway lol. But still. I've been walking down and getting the bus I've never been bothered to get before. So I'm proud. Especially since I've got NO ENERGY AT ALL. I tried exercising a little bit this morning to wake myself up...didn't work lol. S'pose the running for the bus helped wake me up...and almost have an asthma attack. Nasty bus driver. I'm sure he laughed at me too. Mr Martin is still asleep. Somebody commented on my blog, and said that ugliness is everywhere, but that beauty can be found...like Mr Martin  or something like that... and that I have to savour every good moment with him and just enjoy it, because it might not last. As scary and upsetting as that thought is...it might not. There is always that possibility. But with Martin, I'm willing to take the chance. I guess, if this doesn't work...I'll probably turn into a recluse...if that's how you spell that word. I won't want to love again. I've put my entire soul into this relationship so far, and I'm going to keep giving so that it works. I'll be a tad broken if it doesn't work :-S I miss him. You know when you just feel like you haven't spent any proper time alone? I feel like that. I just want to be able to sit with him, lie next to him looking into his eyes. He's got such beautiful eyes...he calls them swampy...but I think they're the most beautiful eyes I've seen...rimmed with dark green, then a lush emerald green in the middle, and around the pupil a golden colour...gorgeous I could stare at them for hours. Heck, I could stare at him for hours and still be amazed that such a beautiful person is mine. All mine  not that I'm greedy. I'm willing to share. Yum yum.I'm still pissed off about Gemma. She's taken away his best friend by making Andi think Martin's lying. When he's not. What a bitch. She made Andi stop seeing Sal aswell. She's stopped him from seeing James. And now she's influenced him not seeing Martin too. Martin's gutted...really gutted. Think he really misses Andi's friendship, as much as he might not always be there back for him...I think Martin thinks he's not good enough for Andi anymore. Yeah, he might not be "Metal" enough or "emo" enough, whatever Andi and Gem say they are now...but he's a good friend, who's mint to be around...and I think Andi knows that deep down, he's just too proud to do anything about it. I really want to shoot Gemma. Or kick her to shit. But Martin won't let me  He says it'll just cause more shit with Andi. It needs to get sorted though! And I feel so helpless...'cause, really...although it's Gemma's fault really, it was because of me that this all started. I wish I could help, wish I could fix it. I'm sick of Carl aswell. Can't he just leave me alone? Yes, I feel bad that I destroyed his life, took away the only thing he had. But it really ain't my problem...it's been like 8 months since we broke up...what can I do? It's his birthday on Friday, 18th...I would get him a card...but I don't want to lol. It would probably be nice for him, but inappropriate. Don't think it would lie to well with his parents either. Since they hate me. They probably think it's my fault that he's gone downhill and is eternally unhappy...oh wait, it is my fault lol. I just want to forget about him. Yeah, I'll always remember him, he was my first etc...(even though I wish he wasn't now), I don't want to keep having to talk to him, I just want to move on with my life and not have to always feel bad for what I did to him. It's not nice to know that I hurt him so badly...I care about him yeah, but there's nothing I can do. I don't want to be friends with him...I don't even like him lol. Oh well... |
| How do I feel today...Me right hand hurts, hurts to type. Watched Martin play football, got hit, bent loadsa me fingers back and they wreeeeeck. Very tired like...am just exhausted all the time. Don't know if it's ma bit bronchitus, but just walking up the stairs drains the life outta me. Almost fell asleep on the bus home today after school, then fell into bed for three hours for an afternoon nap . Mum's gone down to Essex to jailbreak Nanny out of hospital. They really don't think Nanny's going to live long...I really wish I could see her. I hated the fact that I couldn't see Grandad before he passed away. You always want to see them that one last time. One more chance to say goodbye. And Nanny's been so good to us. I know she's not all there...but she has had a gazillion strokes. She's so lovely to everyone, all her grandkids. And I'm glad that we have hopefullly given her a welcome break from the home and brought her up here. Yes, we go shopping...with her money lol, but that's what she wants to do. It's a tradition. Will be weird if we never do that tradition again. The last time was the day I found out Lacka had cheated on me. And mum had filled her in on stuff, and Nanny gave me a massive hug, not like she usually did, and it almost made me cry. She's a lovely woman. She misses Grandad though, so if she does pass away soon, at least they'll be together. I spose she's in a lot of pain aswell...well, actually I don't know....but lots of strokes in a row can't exactly be good for one's body. I dunno...I'm worried. I'm going to miss her. She's kinda the thing that holds our family together. There'll be a lot missing if she dies... Here's my ode to my Nanny then. I wish her all my love. |
| Relationships. I don't think I'm very good at them. I'm not very good at having a life outside my boyfriend without feeling disconnected from them. I'm not very good at them having lives outside me, without feeling disconnected and unwanted. I need to learn how to cope with not spending all my time with him, having other stuff to do, and him having other stuff to do. Grrr at myself. I suck. Still feel shitty. Got up late, well, got up on time and didn't bother to leave the house. Did about two lessons, before realising that I really wasn't well enough to be in school and went home. Went to sleep, got up, went to see Martin for 20 minutes before he went to work, then went home. Gave up my seat to an old lady on the bus, and felt proud...that was my good deed of the day I think everyone should do one good deed a day, at the very least. Pay It Forward. A good film. And a good philosophy for life. Even a smile at a stranger can lift someone's spirits, and usually your own. Did you know that smiling, even to yourself, releases like happy chemicals? I diiiiiiid. I like smiling. Cheers me up Just phoned Mr Martin...miss him. Still don't think he's real lol. I swear it's all in me mind and every one is playing along because I'm really crazy, but nobody wants me to know. In reality, I wouldn't have someone as wonderfully perfect for me as my boyfriend. Just not how the world usually works for me. But I'm happy with a dream, as long as it lasts a good while. I've touched something magical with Martin...and that's good enough for me |
| Ouch. Blood test was awful. I look like a smack head, with bruises on both my arms lol. I don't know why they affect me so badly, but they really hurt, and I get faint at the feeling of my blood being pulled from my veins. Then all of a sudden, I stopped giving blood...she had to stop...go get a different needle, one for babies lol, and then get a different nurse because my veins were being bastards. I cried, I almost passed out, I almost puked everywhere...meh. Was horrible. Then my period pains kicked in and I just felt like I was gonna die :-S. Came all the way to school this afternoon for my double Drama lesson...and it's not even frickin on. I could have stayed home and rested, before going to Martin's. Since he's "ironing" at the moment so I can't meet him any time soon. Grrr. I could go shopping without him. But I don't wanna be sat waiting for him anywhere either. Might just go spend a bomb in Primark for holiday. Hmmm....I love him. But I can't help being mad at him...and I shouldn't be...at all. Just because my lesson wasn't on, I feel like shit, and it really hurts to type aswell. Grrr. I don't feel well. I feel better Bronchitus wise, still coughing and spluttering, but don't feel as exhausted. Meh. |
| Well, I went to the doctors today, I have "bronchitus"...which is probably a fancy name for having a cold + sore throat and cough lol. Oh well. No medicine either Gonna have to wait it out. Just want to feel better really, going on holiday soon! Spain That'll be a good week, I'll miss Martin faaaaaaar too much, but it'll be good for us We probably spend too much time together lol. I'm sometimes afraid we'll burn out...Like...we love eachother so much now, we're very set on this working, and hopefully lasting. What happens if...I dunno, we give it all now, and run out? I honestly don't know if I could love him more...but I suppose I've still got a lot to learn about him, maybe that's what relationships that last do for a couple. You just learn more about the other person, while loving them as much as you possible can and trying to make them happy. I hope I can make him happy. I don't ever want to hurt him. He told me this random ex from friggin' Swindon is coming up and "wants to meet me". Yeah...I'm sure she does. Why on earth do people want to meet their exes present girlfriends????? I just don't understand! Maybe she was just being polite. She's the girl that whenever she comes up, they ended up getting together again. Grr. She's a lesbian now....lol, but still...he might convert her back lol. Why am I worried :-S I get so schitzy about his exes, like they're all superwomen goddesses who are far better than me and could all have him back at the click of a finger. Hmm. Oh well. I miss him. Saw him today aswell. Wasn't long enough. Didn't even get a nice long kiss...probably 'cause I'm ill though lol. The bombings in London are atrocious. Really, really atrocious. Luckily, my godmother wasn't working in London today, yet unfortunately for my uncle, who's an ambulanceman, he'll have had a very busy day. You know, I even text fucking Gemma to see if her family (most of which live down in London) are okay, and does she have the fucking courtesy to text back? Fucking no. Stupid cow. I've only tried and tried, and it's all for nothing, she doesn't give a shit at all. I mean nothing...which sucks. Fucking bitch Kirsty means more. Grrrrr. I want stupid Gemma to wake up and see that I'm a good person, a good friend and that's she's stupid to have not wanted me as her friend. The only reason I'm so harsh about it all, is because I miss her, and I really did like her. And she's hurt me again. I fucking stopped her from potentially getting pregnant when she wasn't even speaking to me. I've done everything I possibly can. And nothing...I don't know what to do. I can't escape her. Martin talks about her all the time...Andi and Gemma...when I was out with Gemma and Andi...once with Andi and Gemma...Andi was talking about Gemma...Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. |
| Heylo...I'm ill...again. Grrr. Had the last two days off school, and generally just feel so, so crap. Saw Martin yesterday for lunch though, that was nice...until I kicked off 'cause I'd left my handbag at the café...lol. *sigh*. I'm so not as nice to him as he deserves, I don't know what to do. For some reason last night, when I was in bed, waiting for a text that I didn't ask for, I thought to myself that...maybe having some space would be good for me. Maybe then I'd learn to be less dependent on him and not care as much when he suddenly leaves to do something better. But then...I think that people who need space, have something really wrong with their relationship, and we don't...I'm just too dependent on mine. And yes, as much as that is bad, I don't want to jeopordise what we have. He deserves so much more than me. Someone who can make him so much happier and treat him like he wants. Instead of me...who's badly addicted to him, and yes, loves him more than he can ever comprehend, but...I don't know... I'm confused. I need to talk to him. And I'm iiiiiiiiiiiiill. When I'm ill, everything seems to be a big drama, every little thing is off...I think weird things that I wouldn't normally and my brain is just generally fuzzy. Why....grrrr at myself. I wish I was nicer. We've been going out for the three months today...a whole three lol. Man I need help...I'm in too deep... |
| Well....today... I'm rather ill lol. Stoopid cold/hayfever mix, so I just generally feel like shit. Drowsy, head-achey, snotty, crappy...Won't go to school tomorrow I don't think. Want to sleep all day. Since I'm not tired now...Stoopid nap....came back from being out with Martin and konked out for 4 hours lol. Was incredible today...don't know why he wanted to...but he had me in the throes of passion about 7 times today, just with his hands. I even cried :-S I hope that's normal lol. He got a bit *argh* last night when I was out. Really worried about me. He doesn't have to with me If he was worried about me cheating, he's got to know that he is the only man I've ever loved...like properly been in love with. And if he's worried about me getting hurt then he has to know that I can take care of myself. Yes...I know I act all kinda fragile around him sometimes, but it's just because I feel safe around him, I can let my guards down. But I'm streetwise and careful, I don't get out-of-control drunk, I'm always alert. I do love him for caring though It means I matter I loooooooove him so much.....and he satisfies me...how mint is that lol. |
| I feel poopy again. Really don't know why. There's something wrong though. 'Cause something's definitely not right. I dunno...feel kinda abandoned. Feel as if I'm not needed...At the moment, I really kinda don't have a life outside Martin...and yet, every night this week he's been playing football with his friends, which means I've hardly spoke to him. I dunno...we used to talk all the time, and I just feel...not as close... Stuey's sat next to me and has just found porn by accident lol. I feel so crap. Is it just because I miss him, or is it because I've realised he doesn't actually need me as I much as I need him? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Grrrrrr. And he's not done anything wrong. And I feel shit. And he's mad at me...Arggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Somebody fix me. I even got a bit meh, when he didn't text me back last night when I had something to say to him, for like 4 hours. I dunno...abandoned...alone...unneccessary. I can't be mad at him for having other stuff to do...it's when he says he'll text me back, and doesn't...and why.....why do I even care.... I don't want to lose him...but feel like I am...I'm so scared...He's the one...If I lose him I really won't survive. He's too important. I need him |
| I'm so in love. Everything about him is the dream I've longed to come true. And he's so attractive...I'm just so magnetised to him, so completely desiring for him whenever he's around. The softest kiss sends shivers up my spine. I can feel how he feels about me through his kisses, and they're electric. I'm really quite horny...hmmmm....Saw him play football again last night, they won My mate Kev played for the them, and Martin scored a hatrick, yay. He looks so lush when he's playing...just...phwoar lol. He makes me feel safe. I want his children. I want him to be my husband. I want to move in with him....not in that order, and not anytime soon...though if he asked me to move in with him, I would lol. I have never been this happy. Not for years. I just feel so complete. He listens to me, he understands what I'm talking about, we have the same values, we like to talk about how we feel, we have deep emotions and thoughts going on in our heads...he is made for me...He is the love of my life...I'm so happy |
| Hmm.... I've had a bit of a weird day. Kinda feel a bit mood swingy. Sometimes I'm really happy, other times I just feel really, really shit. Grr... And...was going to meet Martin after his training day at Northern Rock...put all my make-up on, done my hair, got my bag sorted, was raring to go. I was going to walk down there, 'cause I really want to lose fat. I want to look amazing...and I really missed him...so when I get a text just when I've opened the door to leave saying he'd already left and was on the way home...I was absolutely gutted. Still am. And I dunno...he hasn't text me for like 3 hours lol. He can't possibly be shopping still...Man...why do I care? Why can't I just not miss him as much. Why can't I not be so addicted. WHY CAN'T I BE FRICKIN' NORMAL. I just feel so...abnormal...so insecure and possessive and needy and awful. I feel like such an icky person right now. I want him to want me as much as I always want him. But he doesn't. He's perfectly fine without me and here I am moaning about how much I miss him and wish he'd talk to me. Argh. Hate this. Had a great weekend though. We went to the party, together. Had a good time, had a giggle at Robbie, chatted with everyone and stuff, then went to town, had a boogie and more giggles....and he was perfect. Everything about him, I just love so completely. I couldn't stop telling him. Just...I dunno...we have so much fun, and yet the way we feel is so serious...I've never felt like this about anyone before. Sometimes I do wish I wasn't so consumed by him though...just means I'm almost constantly hurt because I always miss him so much...and it really does hurt. I took him to the bus stop last night, and I just felt so horrible...horrible, horrible emptiness surging through me as I watched the bus drive past me...If I could, I'd move in with him now lol. I want to go to sleep with him beside me, and wake up to him beside me...I probably am too young, and if you read my poem "Sands of Time", you'll understand how badly I just want to grow up so I can do all these wonderful things with him. I don't have any patience :-S Grr...it was also really nice him not having to leave on Saturday...Mum actually let him stay over. Three months ago I wasn't emotionally mature enough to have my boyfriend stay over, or me sleep at their house. And now...Martin was allowed to stay at mine I was very thankful. Then I got to spend all Sunday with him too. He met Alan's parents, sister and grand-niece....lol. He's just so lovely...I don't deserve him. He deserves someone who can make him happy. He was telling me about this girl he was seeing from Swindon...where everytime she came up, they would start seeing eachother...kinda scared that if she does come up, I'll get dumped lol. To start seeing her that many times over and over...she must be some amazing girl. And she must really like him. Can I make him happy enough to not leave me when she comes up? lol. And Jesus, how inferior do I always feel...I don't feel as if I'm as good as any of his exes...the way he talks about them...I dunno...he never really says anything that bad...and he always steers away from him loving them...eek....I don't like it. I don't like how I can honestly say I haven't been "in" love until Martin...but by the way he steers round that...he blatantly has....and I dunno...the fairytale is that we've both never really been in love before, and we fall madly in love...and live happily ever after. I always think you can't be in love more than once...because once you're in love, you can't ever really get out of it. And if he's been in love before...just makes me feel a bit :-S because to me...that means he still loves them. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Make me happy someone |
| So...today...feel like shit really. There's a party on saturday. It's gonna be the first time me and all my friends, and Lacka, are all going to be together since he cheated on me. I asked Martin if he wanted to come with me. He said he would. I was glad...I really felt like I needed the support of having him by my side. Now he says he can't go. And I got very upset. It's not because I still have feelings for my ex and want to show off, it's not that at all...I just wanted my boyfriend's support while I was there, to prove to myself that I'm not completely useless and that I'm better off than Lacka. I feel like Martin's really mad at me for caring this much about my ex being there...but he really doesn't understand what it's like... Everyone is *his* friend. Everyone warned me not to go out with him. I know I was stupid, but I didn't want to be constantly reminded while I was there, without having something to say that I'm actually better off without him anyway. Having Martin by my side would actually have been nice. I would also have loved to be able to go up to the person who completely broke me, my self esteem and my heart, and say "Hey, this is my boyfriend. He is the love of my life who loves me for who I am." I dunno why I feel I have to prove to him that I'm loveable...but I do. He said he loved me...then "fell out of love" with me. Do you know how much that fucking hurt? To love someone with just about everything you can give, and have them turn around and say that they don't love you anymore...but are willing to "work things through". He was such a liar. I trusted him. I trusted that with me it would be different because of our history. And it wasn't. To be honest, I shouldn't get angry about it anymore, just when everyone licks his arse for being such a fucking stud, I do. And it wasn't even that long ago. I know me being upset cannot be very nice for Martin. If he was getting annoyed about his ex, I would feel like shit, and as if he still wanted to be with her. I don't though. And I hope he knows that...he hurt me, I'm still not over it. It's all to do with my self confidence, I had none to start with because Carl used to put me down all the time...and then he goes off with a "hotter" girl who's a complete mong. That's why I always feel so unworthy of Martin...I don't feel like I'm worthy to be loved by him. He deserves someone so much better than me, so much prettier, so much sexier, so much nicer and so much more emotionally stable. Arggghh....why do I always let things get to me so much. It's like I can't do things by half. I can't just get a little bit upset, I have to get very upset. And why...where does it get me? Yes, I'm really fucking hormonal, I have no idea why I'm so mad. I'm on and I shouldn't be. I'm tired when I shouldn't be. I'm not even at fucking school and I should be. Grrr at the world. I was so happy. I just wanted my boyfriend there with me, I wanted to show him to prove to the world and myself that I am loveable. Usually I'm not one to show off...but in front of all Lacka's mates, I really felt I needed to. It doesn't matter, I guess. He can't go, end of story. I've asked mum if he can sleep over on Saturday, since he can't get home and that's why he can't come. She'll never let him. No matter how important this is to me. It shouldn't even be. Grrrr. And fucking Gemma. Lol. Jesus man. After hardly talking to me at all, she comes on-fucking-line and asks if she can buy something on my eBay account. It took a lot of guts for me to say it, but I said no. I said she can't just ignore me and act like we're not friends and expect me to just do whatever she wants and do favours for her. I can't be used like that anymore. I deserve better. She was talking to me alright today though. I think she understands. Chatting away as normal. I just want things to go back to normal. I mean I will never trust her again. But I don't mind listening to her talk about herself and everyone elses business...keeps me in the know :oP *sigh* I feel better now that's all out. I think I deserve a nice cup of tea now. And I think I left the dog outside........oops. |
| Today...Quite strange. I woke up in a fantastic mood, having dreamt lovely dreams about Martin, then when I got to school, just felt really lonely. Not even my Zen Micro could keep me company. Just felt so alone. I always seem to lose friends. Gemma. I hate her. She is such an evil person. Full of discontent, lack of self esteem and the desire to hurt and mess around other people in order to make sure she's okay. She's so fucking selfish. Now she's using Kirsty, again. No doubt she'll come running back to me when Kirsty isn't very nice to her. I actually feel sorry for Andi. He kinda deserves better sometimes...he isn't the most perfect guy, but she's just plain evil lol. Manipulative, dishonest, untrustworthy. At least Martin and I are happy. I feel so happy By now I would have suspected that I would feel very comfortable, stuck in a rut of routines and stuff, 'cause that's where I'm usually at around 2 months. But for me, things still feel unbelievably new and exciting. I think it's maybe because I'm still getting to know him. I knew Carl and Lacka pretty well before I was seeing them, so maybe it was easier to get into a routine. I love finding out more about him. Even if it's not happy stuff, I want to know what's affected him, what's shaped him into the amazing person that he is. I've always believed that every experience you have has a very big effect on who you will become. Everyone has a reason, whether it's a pathetic one or not, for doing what they do. It's not that I'm passing the blame onto somebody else, just I think people's thoughts/emotions/experiences do need to be taken into account when passing judgement on their acts. With Gemma, what really has she been through...she lives a comfortable life with a close family, she's had no real problems her entire life apart from having an extremely bad bitching problem. She has no excuse for being the way she is. I don't care if it's because she's insecure, but she ruins people's lives. She's ruined mine enough times. But I won't let her do it again. Nothing is going to take Martin away from me, apart from him. The decision is always his whether we're together. I'm his for always. I've done 4,477 steps today lol. I need to do 10,000 to make any progress with my "must look nice naked" bid. I suppose it is only 1.40pm, there's lots of time left to walk around Man I'm in love. I'm actually in love. How lush is that to say. I've never been this happy in my life. Obviously there are other things in my life that make me sad, but altogether, I have no complaints. He's made me see the good in everything, made me see how truly lucky I am. Latest worries...none. I'm not really worried about anything. I'm bored of school, yeah, granted, six more weeks after my exams have already finished...just seems pointless...but life in general...life is good There has definitely not been very many times I've been able to say that. I've often convinced myself I've been happy, but it's been a lie. You can smile a lot to convince yourself you're happy. True happiness...that's the warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach, that's smiling as you're walking down the street, feeling satisfied at the end of the day, thanking whatever God you believe in for blessing you.I do thank Spirit every day for helping me find and keep Martin. I know that I'm extremely lucky for coming across him, and I'm extremely thankful to the divine intervention that I believe had a part in it. Maybe it was my time to truly be happy. Maybe I'd learnt enough in past relationships to actually make one work. That's my theory. Every relationship you have is experience. You learn all the time. Even if that relationship ends, you can take something away from it. All that experience and all those lessons are there for when you meet the right person. Without that experience, you might muck things up. So...I am thankful to Carl and Lacka for being such complete arseholes, because I've learnt from them. I've learnt what I deserve, and what to be thankful for in a man. I'm thankful that my man is extremely thoughtful, he loves me, he's mostly happy, he cares about me, he's generous, he's very kind and loving, and I *matter*. Do you know how many times I asked Lacka just to act as if I mattered to him? I felt like I meant nothing, yeah that may have been true...but...man, I fell for so many lies. Trust is so hard... Hmm...Well I have Theatre Studies next. Whippee. Well that's good actually, I'd just rather be on my Summer Hols by now I hope whoever's reading this is having a good day, and don't forget to smile  |
| How do I feel...I feel let down by my dad. Cancelled seeing my sister and I today so he could have a few beers at home with his current family. This means I can't go out for my friends birthday. This friend's mother is starting chemotheraphy next week, he kinda needs us around. I feel...unsure about me and Martin, for some reason. I feel lost. I feel like I love him so much that I might burst. I feel so scared of getting hurt. I feel so scared that I won't ever live up to his expectations or his memories of past g/f's...I don't even know why. He's been through it with me that they weren't good g/f's. And yet, they still pose a threat in my head. What is with me? I need to fucking get over it, you know what I mean? I should just trust him completely, but it's so hard...I trusted Lacka completely, and he betrayed me. I guess it's hard. But I'll get there. I still feel that sometimes he isn't completely open to me. That he doesn't trust me enough with his feelings or his thoughts, like he doesn't think they're important enough, but they are. Maybe it's too much to ask for him to be open to me...it probably is. It's not like he hides all his feelings, he confesses to having some lol, which is more than I'm used to. God...I just want him to be happy...I want to be able to be there for him. Argh. If you read the bit of prose I've written about him in my port...you'll kind of get a feel for how I feel about him. I'm just overwhelmed. And I miss him so fucking much. I'm tired, it's too hot, I need a bath but I just want to go to bed Bleeeeeeeh. |
| Bored. Can't be arsed with school. And I can't see Martin. 'Cause fucking Andi had to complain and want to swap shifts. AGAIN. Grrrrrrrr. So...he has to work half 3pm-12am today and tomorrow. He says he'll call in sick tomorrow...but I can't, or shouldn't, let him do that. He says he'll be doing college work aswell, so I guess that's okay, but I can't let him skip work for me...it just selfish of me to even think he should. Though I would love to see him... Saw him yesterday for about twenty minutes. And it made me so happy Just being with him for a short time makes me smile so incredibly wide for so long. Which is nice He loves me. He loves me, he loves me, he loves me. It's so amazing to be able to say that, and know it's the truth. No lies, no mind games, no cheating, no betrayal, no forgetting. He loves me. And he's got an absolute heart of gold *sigh*. He's nicer to me than I feel I am to him, but I don't know how to make him happier...I just am myself, and try to look out for him, care for him and think about him. Man...he's amazing. I don't deserve him at all. He deserves to be with someone more beautiful, better in bed and more selfless. I spose I can't change who I am though, I can just try my best to make him happy. *sigh. I really need to forget the forever stuff. I shouldn't worry about it. He reassures me all the time What's amazing is, I trust him. I can trust what he says. I can trust what he does. I can trust how he feels. That's something new for me. I've got a fucking lesson soon. How shit's that. I don't wanna go. I'd prefer to just sit here and write how I feel, over and over and over, even if it doesn't really change. Sometimes, which is odd for me, I can't even find the words for how I feel. Just overwhelmed constantly. He is the single thought that remains in my head, he is always conscious in my mind. *sigh* I miss him. Loads. |
| I feel complete. It's not a thing I ever thought I'd feel, seeing myself in my further youth, as a person who was impossible to sate emotionally, impossible to satisfy intellectually. But I am I actually feel complete. With Robbie and Carl, something was always missing. I can't remember ever truly being satisfied or comfortable or happy. Maybe that's just my memory playing tricks on me, but I seriously cannot remember it. With Martin, things are just whole. I feel so happy whenever he's around, I just can't stop smiling...the only thing that does bother me, is when he pretends to be mad at me...it scares me shitless. Even if I find out he's kidding, it's just too much. I don't like thinking he'll ever look at me that way, or that I'll ever hurt or upset him...it just hurts to think about. Sometimes, when he talks about forever, I don't think he means it. I mean it. Maybe I mean it too much, I think I'm quite impatient about it too. For some reason, I also sometimes think that maybe he said that to Lindsay or Jen, maybe he said all the things he said to me, to them. Kinda puts a damper on the romance stuff...'cause I can be all slushy and be completely sincere, and be able to say that I've never felt that way about someone. But I know he can't. Well...I don't know that. But that's what I think. And why, oh why! do I get suspicious of him still having feelings for exes...when he doesn't even talk about them that much. It's one of those things. He would still be with them if they hadn't have broke it off. He would still love them if they hadn't broken up. That's what gets to me. He would never have grown to love me if they hadn't broken up. Granted I probably wouldn't have known him. I also wonder what he was like with them. Whether he was just as sweet, just as thoughtful, just as incredible. Whether he loved them more than me. Not that it matters...or at least it shouldn't. Argh. What's going on with me...I shouldn't even be thinking about it. I love him. I really, really do. I can see now that all the other times I've said I've loved someone, it hasn't been real. It's been...teenagery love, friendly love. What I feel now, I have to say...is more. Whether anyone believes me or not, I really don't care. But all the emptiness that I've lived with, has been filled. All the times I've wished for a guy to treat me like I'm the most important thing in the world, to buy me presents, to understand me, to talk to about everything and he can understand, to simply love me for who I am...and I have him. I don't ever want to break up. Ever. He is the dream come true that hasn't let me down. No disappointment with this fantasy whatsoever, he is...what is he...a miracle. I don't know what I'd be, who I'd be, or where I'd be if I hadn't found him. It's weird...sometimes I think that Andi and Gem are only together, so that they could get us together lol. They're relationship is nothing compared to ours. Nah, it's not nothing...it's just...it's not as strong, or mature, or happy. I'm really grateful that what I have does make me happy, and hasn't hurt me or caused me any pain whatsoever. We really haven't been going out that long, but long enough to have argued at least by now, but nothing major has happened at all. Yeah, little tid-bits, but I have them with my sister, so that don't really count lol. I can't believe how long it's been. It feels like nothing. Feels like only the beginning. Feels like we both have more to give, more to share, more to love. I feel wrapped up in him, he surrounds my every thought, my every breath, my every smile...there isn't anything I would change about him. He is such an incredible person. And yay, no major emotional issues that I know of lol. Damn...I've wrote a lot...And damn. I miss him loads. Was heaven spending the weekend with him, sleeping together, waking together, loving together. And then...going to bed on my own on Monday, and waking up alone...felt hideous. It felt wrong. I just miss him so much after spending so much time with him, and then nothing. He's just not here. And I want him to be I want to be with him like all the time lol. I'm not happy when I'm not with him, I don't think about anything else when I'm not with him...I want to be satisfied with how much I see him, but he's addictive. He's this amazing happiness giver, who I simply want to cherish and show love to, and I want him to be here. But he's not |
| Well...it's been a week of revising, crying, arguing, loving, kissing, walking, wanting...This whole situation with Gemma and Andi really got to me the other day. I even cried lol. Then Martin went and got mortal with them both for Andi's birthday like straight after. Yeah, I suppose what the hell did I want him to do...I'm not exactly sure, but I certainly didn't like him going off and getting mortal with the people causing me tears...if you know what I mean. Andi also blackmailed Martin into swapping shifts with him tonight. Made Martin work 6-12pm today, just because Andi wanted to go out drinking and couldn't be bothered to ask anybody else. He threatened to stop being Martin's friend if he didn't do the shift. That's just pathetic. Yeah, Martin's nice, so he's done it, he cares about his friend, and didn't want to be blamed if Andi didn't end up going...so....he caved. It's weird...the both of us are taking advantage of by Gemma and Andi. They both don't realise what great friends we are and they really don't deserve us. All we do is care, and they throw it in our faces. Gemma is a two-faced, fickle, insecure little girl who needs to be kicked all over. I would be obliged to do it. After spending the weekend with them, of course It's gonna be weird next weekend, camping at a festival with them for three days. And Jack. Us four, and Jack....lol, can anybody say fifth wheel lol. Bless him. Now that Andi's blackmailed Martin, he says that Download's not going to be awkward. Thank God. And Gemma said to Martin that me and her are "still friends". Oh that's nice. From Exclusive Best Friends to "still friends". Grrrrrr. The plank that she is. |
| I feel really angry. And I don't know why...Just really on edge and unhappy. I've been stuck in the house all day, revising...and then Martin comes online...and doesn't talk to me 'cause he wants me to get on with my work, even though he had to go in like 10 mins....argh. I don't know why I'm angry at him...I shouldn't be. It's not his fault he cares, or that he has to go to work. And yesterday, I got really over-sensitive...because I have a violence-affection problem...and I know it must annoy him, but I really can't stop it...and I just felt like shit. I have no self confidence...and why not? I'm a decent girly, I do well at school. I just can't see why he'd want me. Argh...why do I do this???? I can't just trust that he does...I'm so scared he's gonna run away...go back to his ex or something...decide I'm not worth it...why am I scared? Somebody be my therapist...I need help lol. And these insecurities are mucking things up...I just feel like things are up all the time...that something's not right between us. We don't talk as much lately...there are loads of silences that I don't like, and I don't know what to say...And sometimes I honest-to-God don't think he's real. We'll be lying in my bed, and I'll swear I'm dreaming...I don't know what to do...or what's even wrong...I just feel....not right. I really miss him. I just want to see him 24/7...it really isn't right, I should be able to survive on my own. Even as I'm writing this I'm getting really, really angry at how much I miss him, and how I need to see him...I never realised how much I needed him, but then I don't want to rely on him too much, do I? Argh...I'm so scared... The last time I put everything into a relationship, it ended very, VERY badly. And I'm scared. There's a lyric, in a song by Jem, that goes, "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time, maybe I'm afraid by the way I love you." That's how I feel... Argggggggggh I need to scream and hit something. |
| Well...yesterday...Martin and I "consumated" our love lol. That's what brought up the whole "I look disgusting" debate from yesterday. He's amazing. Just everything about him, from his body, his mind, the way he moves, the things he says, the noises he makes, his grins, his frowns, his laugh...I love it all. It was lush sleeping together. Really, really lovely. There isn't anyone I've ever wanted more than him, and he didn't disappoint. He was worried about it...but I'm just thankful that I have such an incredible guy all to myself. I hope I didn't disappoint...but then I didn't hear any complaints lol. I just hate the fact I loathe how I look. For once I'd just like to be okay with it. With Robbie, I could just lie about naked with him and feel perfectly comfortable...yet that was after about 3 months...so maybe I'll get there I really don't ever want to break up with him. I've never been this happy, and I know, people probably say that everytime they go out with someone new, but the way I'm treated, the way he goes about us, the way he just loves me...it just thrills me to bits. I should be in RE now. But I asked if I could go to the study room to study...but I'm on here lol. I guess...writing all this stuff down every day, it really helps me sort out what's going on in my head. Really helps me understand why I do things, why I say stupid things. And although Gemma's still annoying me with her constant boasting...I have to remember that as long as she's happy, then it's alright. If Andi makes her happy, I shouldn't care how much she goes on like her relationship is better than mine. 'Cause really...our relationships are different, you just can't compare them. They have a very friendly, happy, fun relationship, that I don't doubt gets very cute when they're alone. What me and Martin have...it's very intimate, private, and yeah, it's a complete laugh 'cause he's always got me giggling. I wouldn't say our relationship was more serious, I think we're just open to talking about everything, nothing is a taboo subject. And we have great conversations...every time we talk I feel like I find something else out about him, something that makes me love him more, and want to hold onto him. I know I'm crazy...I get very confused...I say really random things, can be really ditzy sometimes...but I hope he feels the same. I guess I'm pretty kind, very loyal to him, always put him first, and if I make him happy...then I'm glad. That's all I want. For him to be happy. *sigh* He's amazing. I wish there was another word for it, that one seems a bit over-used by me now lol. Grrr...I miss him. I wish I could see him tonight. Really need a big hug. Need to feel his strong arms around me, squeezing me comfortingly, and making me feel perfectly safe. With him I do feel safe. He'll take care of me. And if he needs me to, I'm here to take care of him. I wish I was older...I could just marry him now lol. I'm afraid...that as he gets older, and he grows as a person, he'll grow away from me. I'm scared that'll happen to me too, I suppose...I really don't want to lose him. Like ever. And what more do I really need out of life in this respect? I don't want to do the sleeping around at uni thing, I don't want to kiss random people. I only want to kiss or sleep with him. Oh well...we'll see with time, I guess. |
| Hurm. There seems to be something in the air today. Everything seems crazy. Don't get me wrong...I was ecstatic ten minutes ago...but as soon as the conversation came up about how I look...And I hate me. I know it's the age-old thing about how all teenagers think they're ugly...but I don't think I'm ugly...I have an ok face, nice boobs, but then when it comes to my hips, thighs and bum...it just all goes downhill. Sometimes I look at them and think, "Shit, this isn't me..." I'm really slim everywhere else...it's just those areas, they just seem to get worse everytime I look at them. And I can't seem to eat healthier, as I'm always on the go, and seriously don't have the money to buy anything healthy. Argh. I hate me. I just want to be beautiful, I want to look nice, and I want to be sexy. Martin says he doesn't care...but I dunno... With Carl...he just took the mick, and then didn't care. Robbie, was like obsessed with my bum and thighs, he absolutely loved them, thought they were the best things since sliced bread. And then Martin...he doesn't seem to care...just says that he loves me no matter how I look. And I dunno...I want to look nice....and I don't. I really, really hate the way I look down thatta way. It's just rank. I can't wear skirts, I can't wear bikini's, I feel disgusting whenever I take my clothes off...I just feel like a beached whale. I wish I had the time and the money to get thin...Grrrrrr. |
| Rar everyone. I feel...rather workaholic. I feel like I've done loads of revision, done a few practice exam questions, and I'm going to finish them all tonight and feel even more rarr. Lol. I am on here though..that can't be a good sign. And I've been waiting for replies to emails... And argh, Gemma's pissing me off...she just...it's the constant stupid talking about Andi, telling me stuff I don't need to know, and aren't interested in. And then talking about having sex and doing stuff with him, then getting all moody if I ask about it...:-S Oddness. I dunno what's going on with her. She don't seem very happy lately. And it's just going exactly how it always goes. We get really close, then she decides she doesn't like me anymore and runs away. I should just remember not to get attached, not to trust her as much as I do, 'cause I always end up getting hurt. *sigh* I'm never lucky with friends. And Joe..I can't talk to him about anything anymore...he just replies as if I'm being a complete idiot and bitch. And I'm not...I talk about things to help me understand them, and he just tries to find a solution or tell me that I'm wrong, or tell me to shut up, or tell me not to like Marv as much, or just give me hackies...And he doesn't talk to me anymore...not like we used to. It's like we're just casual friends. Argh...is it my fault? Maybe I've been a bit Martin-fied lately...but isn't that allowed?? It's not like I've completely abandoned my friends...I've been there when they've asked, done as much as I can with them, I can't help being busy or wanting to talk about my boyfriend. *sigh* again. What's going on. It's now 12.18pm. Hmm...Taken me four minutes to write all that rubbish lol. I really want to see Martin. And randomly, I wish we could have sex...'cause I really can't cope. I guess Lacka kinda got me used to having sex like 7 times a week...and he called it 'fucking'...so sometimes, that's all it is. But with Martin, most of the time, it's so much more...Yeah, it's about being horny lol, 'cause hey that's fab...but it's also about sharing in eachother, giving eachother pleasure...and enjoying in the other person. And I'm soooo going to enjoy him lol. He's so goddamn sexual. Like incredibly. I really cannot cope. *eek* Catch you later chums, I gotta go try and pretend I'm not horny and go eat lunch....*phew* |
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