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Look at all the flightless birds! |
| [Introduction]
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Steve Pumpkinhead wants to write a travel guide to New Zealand, so it might be a good research move to visit NZ at least once. Monica Brownlegs is his helpful secretary, travel assistant, intern, and likes the idea of a free vacation in NZ, even if she does have to spend a little time with Steve. Europa Jandalwhacker is a tour guide appointed by the New Zealand Board of Official Welcomes to show Steve the Wonder That Is The Natural Beauty And Heritage Of New Zealand, or something like that. As our first episode begins, Steve and Monica have just stepped off the airplane that brought them to New Zealand. They are hoping to meet Europa, their tour guide, at the airport. |
STEVE: Well, Monica. There it is - beautiful New Zealand, Isle of Enchantment. MONICA: [bored] This looks like any other airport. STEVE: Hmmm... I think you might be suffering from a little jet lag. You know what jet lag is, don't you? |
| MONICA: Huh? Jet-who's-your-mama? STEVE: Jet LAG... oh for goodness sakes. I'm not going to carry you if that's what you think. MONICA: No, no... I can walk my little brown legs through the terminal. So who are we supposed to meet again? STEVE: Some woman named um... let's see now, I've got it here somewhere. Here, hold my bag while I look through my pockets. Oh and here's my camera, my laptop and my mexican sombrero- okay, let's see here. Her name is Europa Jandalwhacker. Hurry up or we'll miss her. Come on, let's go. MONICA: Uh-huh, well can you uh, will you... STEVE: Hurry, hurry we don't have all day. By the way, you look cute in that sombrero- it goes well with your eyes. MONICA: oh, thanks a lot. Is that her right there? |
STEVE: It might be... Hey! Lady! Are you Miss Jandalwhacker? MONICA: If that's her she doesn't look happy to see us. STEVE: Nonsense! She's a professional tour guide. She's paid to be happy. Maybe that's not her. Oh wait... She's waving. Come on. Here she is... Hello! Are you Europa Jandalwhacker? |
| SHEEP: Baaaaaaaaaaa. STEVE: Uh, excuse me, I said are you Europa Jandalwhacker? SHEEP: Baaaaa. STEVE: Hi, Europa, I'm Steve, and this is Monica. SHEEP: Ba. Baa ba. MONICA: Woah, Europa is a fully fleeced cloven-hooved quadraped??? SHEEP: Oh for God's sake, I can already tell you're American. I'm a SHEEP. Yah know? Ba ba ba? She's over there, idiotos. STEVE: Wow, indigenous life! Quick, take a snapshot! SHEEP: Ouch! Oh GOD my eyes! Ooooow! What do you think you're doing? Go on, get out of it! I'm so not in the mood. Look, you've gone and strode all over my grass. Like I'm gonna eat that now. Sheesh, humans... when will they ever learn any table manners? MONICA: A little testy, don't you think, Steve? STEVE: Man, that was an experience. In fact we don't even seem to have registered the fact that we just ran into a talking sheep. Ok, so she's over here somewhere... I think. EUROPA: Hey! Welcome to New Zealand. Now, I would tell you where the old one went, but that's illegal in EVERY single city! Yeah, there was a lot of government cover-ups with that one. So ANYWAY, it's my job to make sure you have a great time here, get to know the country and feel at home. Oh and don't worry, it's a common misconception that the whole country will sink, being a couple of really ridiculously small islands, but we really are quite boyant! |
| MONICA: Speaking of ridiculous, do you think I can get rid of this sombrero? SHEEP: Give it to me. It's the least you could do for contaminating my food. STEVE: Whoa, this place just keeps getting better and better. EUROPA: Yes, it really is such a lovely place filled with mysteries and old tales of revenge, horror and torturous death. Anywho, let's move over here to this beautiful... STEVE: That is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen! Quick, take a snapshot! MONICA: Oh, Steve... do you want me to give you your coke bottle glasses with the hidden bifocals so you can see better? |
STEVE: Take notes, Monica. Take copious notes. I'll photograph everything. Then I shall capture the Spirit of New Zealand in my soon-to-be-published Travel Guide to New Zealand (Isle of Enchantment, etc, etc...). What do you think of that, Miss Jandalwhacker? MONICA: [mumbling] Copious? EUROPA: I think you talk fast for an old guy. Is this yours? It flew out of your mouth. STEVE: [reinserting dentures] Thanks! Listen, don't worry about that "Old Zealand" thing. I'm not here to probe and spy on the secrets of the past. Whatever skeleton you guys have in your closet can just stay in there. I want to see the NEW New Zealand! EUROPA: Yes... Well, I might have to show you a few things that have been here awhile... but I'll try to keep it all as new as possible. STEVE: Excellent! MONICA: That's an old expression, Steve. Keanu Reeves wasn't shaving yet when "Excellent!" was being used. I thought you wanted to be "new"? STEVE: Are you taking copious notes? MONICA: I'm taking notes. Whether they are copious or not God only knows. EUROPA: Ahem... Here in gentle New Zealand we seldom bicker and fuss. [Steve and Monica turn to stare at Europa with frowning skeptical faces] STEVE: And just how do you manage to maintain such an argument-free environment? |
| SHEEP: It's all this "country pride" spirit they are so horribly infested with. Seriously, it's disgusting. I mean, why don't they give us sheep a say? I know what the general cenus would be. We have to eat the damn country, and it tastes like crap. And what's with this "boyancy" jargon, Europa? hello? Ever heard of global warming? We're all gonna sink and unless you WONDERFUL humans can grow gills you're a goneburger. Surely you're not as oblivious to that as you am to the fact that a sheep is talking to you right now huh? Meh, who am I kidding, you're a human. Of course you have no idea. Don't mind me. I'll just be forcing grass down my throat. EUROPA: Now now, Steve, that's for me to know and you to find out. Can't go giving away too much just yet, we like to keep people guessing here. STEVE: Ah yes, I thought as much. It was worth a try. So I was just wondering... you know how people ride horses, well do we get to ride sheep here? SHEEP: What? Oh Lord please save me, you have got to be kidding me? What? Have you no mind? I mean okay, we put up with you taking our wool and making us cold so that you can be warm... but really... sheesh? You humans come up with classics. No wonder you are so ridiculed, and yet you STILL. DON'T. NOTICE. |
| MONICA: hold on, hold on you're all talking too fast- still... don't... notice.... okay. Do you want me to read that back to you Stevie? STEVE: Just make sure you're being very copious about the notes. Very, very... EUROPA: Copious? STEVE: That's right. I got you thinking like me already- I like this lady. Great minds think alike, that's what I always say! MONICA: mmhmm, great... minds... think... alike... okay! I got that one! SHEEP: Oh brother... why we superior quadrapeds have to put up with these moronic homo sapiens is a mystery to me. EUROPA: Yes, yes mister sheep I know exactly how you feel sometimes. Are you boys and girls ready for our adventure? let's go! |
STEVE: I feel like a real New Zealander. Already I am talking to a sheep. SHEEP: I don't recall that you have adressed anything to me. STEVE: That's because I feel a little guilty about this wool sweater I'm wearing. I mean, it might have been your mother or something. SHEEP: Oh for Pete's sake! They don't KILL the sheep to get the wool! They just give it a very close haircut. Then it all grows back. STEVE: So it's more like I'm wearing your mother's skin? SHEEP: I refuse to talk to you anymore. MONICA: Steve? If you can drag yourself away from that sheep then I think Europa is ready to show us New Zealand. STEVE: Great! Our first thrilling New Zealand thing! No! The second! That sheep was the first. Do the birds in NZ talk? I understand that none of them know how to fly. Very odd! What's the story on that? Huh? Huh? |
| SHEEP: "Yeah, Lenny? This is agent 593, sector 4, Auckland. We have a Code Moron, I repeat, CODE MORON... Americans on the loose! Mayday! Mayday! Deemed very oblivious to anything New Zealand, asking "questions", yeah I know, questions. Oh. And they're so American, so, so, so VERY American. How do you suggest we handle this? ...I see.....I have to WHAT? Oh no, nonononononononononono! Come on, can't you get someone else on the job? What about Danny, he's based near here! ....You don't understand what this will do to my state of mind... NO!....I.... what? ....Oh, alright... ok. I understand. Yes. ALright. Excuse me while a sigh a deep and heavy sigh. Baaaaaaaa. Over and out. (SHEEP slaps on a pair of top-secret-agent-looking sunglassess) SHEEP: Ok you humans, listen up! I've been ordered, against my will let me point out, oh yes, so very against my will, to follow you round, keep an eye on you, watch your every move, never let you out of my sight, blaaaaaa blaaaaaa blaaaaa. So don't mind me. Just pretend you don't even know I'm here. Pretend you can't see me or hear me. Yeah, just like that! GREAT jobs, guys! Damn humans. Why them, I ask, why them? EUROPA: Steve, see those things in the sky up there? They're birds! See those things their flying with? They're wings? Wow, don't you feel smart already? The only birds here that can't fly are kiwis. And they're very endangered, so if you see one please try not to squish it. MONICA: (whispers to Steve) Um some of these notes I'm taking probably won't have corrct spelling... it's her accent. It's driving me nuts. Doesn't it just drive you nuts? STEVE: (whispers back to Monica) Yeah, just nod and smile, that's the best way to go. It's kind of like when you do a test "if in doubt answer B" kind of thing. SHEEP: Dios mio! (Steve and Monica smile at Europa and nod) EUROPA: Choice! Now, off for our first New Zealand experience. You'll love this - it's a biiiiiig tradition here. Fish n' Chips on the beach! Vamos! Let's go! |
| STEVE: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? MONICA: Are... we... there... yet... got it. SHEEP: Here we are. Get out, get out, get out you imbecilic humans! EUROPA: Right this way mates... MONICA: What is this? I thought we were having chips- I'm hungry Steve, I thought we were going to eat pringles or doritos or something other than fish fingers and french fries! EUROPA: Well here in New Zealand we call them chips. You see, the history behind that is... MONICA: What? I'm sorry, I really don't under- STEVE: Nod and smile remember? That's a good girl. Now what were you saying, you sweet thing? |
EUROPA: Don't try to sweet talk me, old man. I like my men salty. STEVE: Aye-aye, mate! EUROPA: And don't call me "mate". That's a word used by our mortal enemies, the Australians. STEVE: But surely since you all speak English there must be many words in common usage? EUROPA: There may be... but not THAT word! MONICA: Should I erase that word from the notes, Steve? STEVE: What? No! Copious, Monica. Copious! [to Europa] Fish n' Chips on the beach is a fine tradition. How did it start? Is there an interesting story behind it? SHEEP: Lenny? Agent 593 here. The Moron is prying into our Fish n' Chip beach rituals... What?... Europa wouldn't tell him the Secret Recipe! She's a trained professional tourguide!... Okay, I'll keep an eye on her. I didn't know that she was emailing Americans in her off hours... I agree -- a bit suspicious, that. |
| EUROPA: Why yes Steve, there is indeed an interesting story behind that! You see one day there was a man. And he got hungry. And he bought some fish n' chips. And he was next to the beach. And he went and sat on the beach. And he ate them. Cool, huh? SHEEP: Oh thrilling, just thrilling. You know Europa, you really are nearly the most intelligent human I have ever had the unfortunate fate to come across. I mean, how do you do it? The chioce of words, your syntax - it all just amazes me! Literally. Do you have to think very hard to come up with this stuff? I mean, if it was me I could never compare! I'm just not as sophisticated as you... please, oh pleeeease won't you sign my hoof? What? No, Lenny, I wasn't talking to you. STEVE: Oh... yeah, neat Europa! Wooooooow - Monica, quick! Find one of the little glass vials in my bag! Oh this is soooooo cooooool - I'm going to have my very own sand from a beach like the one a man sat on to eat his fish 'n chips! MONICA: ...to...eat...his...fish...'n...chips... So Europa, based on the fact that I'm choosing to ignore Steve on the count of he's trying to get sand off a beach like one a man sat on to eat fish 'n chips, what can we do next? EUROPA: Ok, this is going to be great! I fully expect you both to pop and deflate and get little human bits splattered everywhere when I tell you this... We're going JANDAL SHOPPING!!! SHEEP: I knew this time would come. Always the jandals. Alwaaaaay comes back to the jandals... |
MONICA: Oh, Europa! Jandals! That's great! My girlfriend told me that "If you are going to New Zealand, be sure to bring back some jandals!" STEVE: Jandals... Is this something I'm going to like to do? SHEEP: Must everything please you? STEVE: I thought you weren't talking to me? SHEEP: I wasn't, but I thought maybe I was a little too harsh on you since you are a tourist and don't know our customs. STEVE: It really bugs you that I might be wearing your mother's skin, doesn't it? SHEEP: I am speechless... You are the most offensive visitor we have EVER had! STEVE: Well! MONICA: Can't you boys get along? Come on. Europa's taking us jandal shopping. That will cheer you up. SHEEP: Oh yes, right, I'm sure it will. Lenny? Is it time for my break yet? |
EUROPA: Okay... Hey Monica, let's just go and leave them here to sort things out, you know? Man to sheep? MONICA: Alright then, man to sheep... poor Steve, he doesn't stand a chance. So, where to? EUROPA: Follow me - we'll go to the Wuddy Fuddy. MONICA: The what??? How do you spell that? EUROPA: I actually don't know! That's just what it sounds like when people say that. It's a nickname for the department store that's actually called The Warehouse. It's got a nation-wide reputation as a budget cheapo store. It's kind of looked down upon by every other store in existance because it's cheap. Even op-shops make fun of it, cruel little beasts. MONICA: Oooooh. Okay then lead the way Europa! [They walk off leaving Steve and the Sheep fighting] SHEEP: Steve, dude, I don't want to like you. I don't want to be your friend. I'm a pissed off sheep, mad at the world, mad at everything, especially humans. Do you know how it feels to wake up every day to the same patch of grass, the same worn down fence posts and the same buckled elecrtic fence? You do? oh. Well that's not the point. Why don't you just leave me to brood when obviously all I want to do is brood? And ya know what? I'll tell ya a little secret buddy. Those chemical weapons you humans have? Puh. Pathetic. You ain't seen nothing yet. What we know could wipe out you all! Wipe out you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll I say! If only we had thumbs. If only we had thumbs, you'd be very sorry. I'd be riding you to- STEVE: Um, excuse me... it says up there that we are both meant to be fighting... do I get to say anything? SHEEP:.......I'd be riding you to work every day and shaving off your hair to make things that aren't really that important! How would you like that huh? You wouldn't would ya? Ha! You humans are all the same. We have no hope I tell you. No hope at all until we grow some thuuuuuuuumbs! |
STEVE: You don't want thumbs. They're a nuisance. SHEEP: Oh? STEVE: Yes. It's very easy to accidentally stick your thumb in your eye. With hooves you have no worries. SHEEP: But it's so much easier to drink a can of soda if you have thumbs... STEVE: That may be, but there again you introduce an element of danger since it's quite possible to accidentally stick your thumb down your throat and choke to death. SHEEP: I see... It's really kind of a waste of time to talk with you, isn't it? STEVE: I've heard that before. SHEEP: Lenny? Agent 593 here. It's GOT to be time for my break, man! I can't take much more of this. [Meanwhile, at the Wuddy Fuddy...] MONICA: Oh, look at this, Europa! What in the world is it? |
EUROPA: Ummm... Monica, that's a New Zealand icon. It's a wooden buzzy bee, you put it on the ground and pull the string and the bee follows you around... it's wings make kind of clicking noises and spin around. Yeeeeeah.... just like that. Can we leave the kids toy section now, please? MONICA: [Running round in circles pulling buzzy bee behind her] Wheeeeeeeeee! Hahahaha! Wheeee! This is so cool! EUROPA: Ok... may be here for a while. [Back at the scence of Steve vs. Sheep] STEVE: NO WAY Sheep! The chicken came before the egg! SHEEP: But how did the chicken get there you fool?! STEVE: Duh. Everyone knows that a frog sat on a dinosaur egg and caused a mutation. SHEEP: You really don't have any knowledge of genetic impossibilities, do you? STEVE: Yeah, I do actually. I know that it's genetically impossible for rainbows to be squiggly! SHEEP: Genetically impossible? Don't you mean PHYSICALLY impossible, human? Sheesh. STEVE: Physically... that's what I said, SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! SHEEP: Ergh. No need to spit. |
STEVE: Nonsense! I often have the need to spit. What about at the dentist? Whaddya do? Swallow that stuff? SHEEP: I'm a sheep. I have no need to go to a dentist. STEVE: Whaaa? Sheep don't have teeth? SHEEP: Yes, sheep have teeth, but we don't eat junk food and so our teeth don't get rotten and cankerous like yours do. STEVE: Ewww... What does 'cankerous' mean? SHEEP: Gangrene, maggots, and gaping holes in your gums. STEVE: Stop talking like that! I don't like the dentist anyway. That stupid drill with it's whine - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... SHEEP: Ouch! I have ears you know. Go do your drill impersonation somewhere else. STEVE: You're the grumpiest old sheep I ever saw. How in the world did you get a job as... Saayyy... Just what IS your job anyway? SHEEP: Lenny? Agent 593. I think the Moron is on to me. Better pull me out. Lenny? Pull me out! I want out, Lenny! [Meanwhile, at the Fuddy Wuddy...] MONICA: Okay, I've got a Buzzy Bee, an empty L&P can, a... The jandals! We have to get some jandals, remember? Do they have them here at the Fuddy Duddy? |
| EUROPA: Of course they do!! But you know what? Let's make our own. Ok this should be great. We can use thin sheets of plywood and rubber hose...oh, would you look at that! There just happens to be some thin sheets of plywood cut out in the shape of jandals and rubber hose lying on the road outside there! Wow! Isn't New Zealand just the greatest? MONICA: Yeah, that was pretty awesome Europa, and freaky, and unrealistic. GREAT!! So what do we do? EUROPA: Ok, just take this hammer that seems to have appeared from nowhere and these nails that must have the same disease, and nail the rubber hose onto the plywood like this. [Numerous unprofessional 'bangs' can be heard accompanied by the relatively harmonic "OUCH" and "CRAP" every now and then] MONICA: Ok Europa, I'm done, does this look right to you? I don't know what a jandal looks like, so I can't tell. Jandals ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** EUROPA: That looks pretty rad to me, Monica. Now put them on the ground and slip your feet into them and wolah! MONICA: Um, don't you mean viola? EUROPA: Nope, don't know how to spell that. Wolah is mush easier. Alright, take them for a test drive Monica! MONICA: Are they supposed to affect me in a way that I involuntarily walk like I've got a broomhandle stuck up my- EUROPA: No, stop walking so flat-footed, that's what the problem is. MONICA: Uh... they're made out of plywood. If I bend them any more they'll snap in half... EUROPA: Yeah that's more like it - now you've got the jerkiness down to a fine art! Bravo, Monica, well done! MONICA: Thanks! Woah, this is definitely an experience. I think I might actually like - SNAP -... this.... EUROPA: Oooooh ouch, I bet that hurt! Here, just have these jandals that I found growing on the jandal tree over there. MONICA: Ah, much better, thankyou. Don't worry, there's not too much blood, I'll be fine. EUROPA: Look, there's Steve, let's regroup. MONICA: What's he doing? Is he yelling at a.... sheep? He's yelling at a sheep isn't he? Why do I think he's yelling at a sheep? He's yelling at a sheep? STEVE: For the LAST time, Sheep, Kings CAN SO do triple backflips over their own Bishops and advance three squares of either colour to their own Castle where they can then run inside to the dungeons and come back out with a cannon and shoot in a zig-zag path around all his own troops and hit your pawn who was APPARENTLY standing innocently next to his Queen and "wasn't going to take advantage of her, honest" all in one move without letting the Knight's Messengers know. I got your pawn fair and square and he is now going off the battlefield, and THAT'S THAT!! [Steve moves a pawn off the chessboard sitting between the two in the grass] SHEEP: Dios mio. Excuse me for a moment... |
STEVE: No! No excuses! This always happens to me! Right when I am about to win my opponent claims he has to "use the restroom" and then I never see him again. You sit back down and play. SHEEP: But I really do have to "use the restroom"! STEVE: Oh yeah? Then why did you say it in quotes like you were being ironical? SHEEP: That's the way YOU said it! STEVE: But I used quotes for SARCASM, not IRONY! SHEEP: How the HELL do you know how I intended my quotes? MONICA: Boys! Boys! It's only a game. EUROPA: Yeah, and a weird one at that. STEVE: We were playing by New Zealand rules. EUROPE: Oh... Not so weird then. Just fine. MONICA: Let Sheep go "do his thing", Steve. STEVE: Now YOU are using quotes! MONICA: Steve!... Steve... Just settle down. You've gotten a little overexcited. Drink some cool water. STEVE: Oh, let him go do his wee-wee or whatever it is then. Whoever heard of a sheep using the restroom? MONICA: Shhh! Steve! We're in New Zealand as guests. Don't make fun of the way they treat their animals. STEVE: Yeah, right! After they pulled the wings off all the birds. Real treat that was, huh? Look at that Kiwi over there hopping around and flapping its legs. What a pitiful sight. I have half a mind to throw the poor little thing as high in the air as I can so that he can experience a few moments of flight. EUROPA: Wouldn't he fall like a rock and get seriously injured when he "lands"? STEVE: Were those quotes? EUROPA: No. I was just rubbing my nose. STEVE: Hmmmm... |
| EUROPA: Honest, I was. OH MY GOD STEVE, LOOK OVER THERE!! STEVE: What? What? Look at what? EUROPA: That thing over there! See it? The purple... um... thing... over there... STEVE: Hahaha oh yeah now I see it hahaha! What the hell is that? [while Steve is looking away the Sheep appears and switches a few pieces round on the chessboard] EUROPA: What is what? I don't see anything, Steve. STEVE: What? But you just told me to.... you said look at that thing... the purple thing! EUROPA: Stop stalling Steve and carry on with the game. STEVE: But! But- SHEEP My turn I believe... and oh, would you look at that? Checkmate. |
STEVE: Huh!? [looks suspiciously at Europa who is staring at a cloud and whistling] SHEEP: Well, well, well. Looks like you snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. STEVE: I was WINNING! SHEEP: Yes... past tense, WAS winning. But, unfortunately, now we are in the present and I AM winning. STEVE: I think you cheated. [narrows eyes into a steely Western gunfighter stare] [Sheep pushes back from the board, reaches into his jacket - for a gun? Steve doesn't wait to find out. Quickly draws a small derringer and fires two shots into the sheep] MONICA: Aiieeee! EUROPA: What are you DO-ing?! SHEEP: Arrrghhh... STEVE: We don't cotton to no cheaters where I come from. MONICA: Steve, you fool! They're going to put you in jail for this! STEVE: It's just a sheep. And it was cheating. SHEEP: Lenny? Agent 593 here. Send back-up. I've been shot. No, it just grazed my wool, but I won't be grazing any grass for awhile. EUROPA: Just a sheep? OMG! Help, somebody! Sheep down here! Sheep down! [Nearby New Zealanders perk up there ears and come running at Europa's call of "Sheep Down!", the New Zealand distress signal. |
[Numerous New Zealanders swarm the place and surround SHEEP, each pulling jandals off their feet] EUROPA: OK OK EVERYONE! I'm a Certified Sheep Whacktiser! Let me get this under control! Right, in your positions people, chop chop! On my count, ok? One... Two... THREE!! [All that can be heard are agonising WHACKS as the NZers whack the crap out of the sheep with their jandals] SHEEP: Oooooooooooooooow! Oh GOD this part always hurts the most! Ow! Ow! Ow! Arrrrrrrrrgh!! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiie! Ok! Guys! It's ok! I'm fine now! Look! Fine! OUCH! Stop it you stupid humans! Don't you know I want to die? Dammit! Leave me alone! [NZers slowly dissipate as the sheep is left looking a little baffled, but otherwise fine] SHEEP: Oh thankyou so VERY MUCH Steve. |
[Steve looks at Monica] STEVE: What just happened here? MONICA: [shrugs] I. Have. No. Idea. SHEEP: Are you happy now? STEVE: No, I'm nonplussed, perplexed, puzzled... SHEEP: Confused? Mixed-up? Perverse? Insane? MONICA: Ignorant? Idiotic? STEVE: Stop! I know what I am. I don't need endless humorless elaboration. SHEEP: [to Monica} Humorless? MONICA: Shhh... He thinks he's a clever comedian and you and I are dolts. EUROPA: What about me? MONICA: What about you? EUROPA: What does Steve think about me? MONICA: Good grief! You're not falling for Steve are you? EUROPA: Ewwwwwww... *spit* ... *spit* SHEEP: Wow, two spits... STEVE: Ahem... I'm standing right here. SHEEP: So? STEVE: So if anybody wants to know what I think they can ASK me! By the way, I'm sorry about that gunshot thing. I thought you were pulling a gun on me. I didn't realize it was your cellphone. EUROPA: I have a new cellphone. Look! Want to see pics of my kittens? MONICA: This isn't your blog. EUROPA: But look at them. Cute, huh? MONICA: Awwwwwww... SHEEP: No wool. What good are they? You could make mittens out of them I suppose. EUROPE: [whacks sheep] Do you want me to give the "Sheep Down!" call again? SHEEP: Hmph! STEVE: Is it time to eat yet? I want some authentic New Zealand cuisine, and not fried potatoes on the beach again. |
EUROPA: What the hell is this "authentic New Zealand quisine" crap, Steve? What the hell.... are you like, American or something? SHEEP: Yeah, what does he expect? Some kind of fancy pants posh dish? Good God. It's like he's AMERICAN or something! MONICA: Steve, why are they practically saying the same thing? STEVE: I.... don't know. Um... Do they even have authentic New Zealand food? I'm thinking they can't think of anything... maybe there isn't even authentic New Zealand food, no such thing maybe. MONICA: No way! That would just be weird. NEW ZEALAND: [sighs] EUROPA: Ok, um... this is the best I can do for you. It's New Zealand. It's authentic. Just not so sure about the "quisine" part... Chocolate fish, anyone? |
| MONICA: Oh! I think I have to barf. STEVE: Chocolate fish? There are so many things wrong with that. Unless you mean chocolate bars shaped like a fish... That would be okay. But you're shaking your head that no, you mean fresh caught fish, gently cooked, dipped in chocolate, and served with a sprig of seaweed. MONICA: MOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHHH! STEVE: [jumping back] Geez, Monica! Aim that stuff away from my feet. Remember, we're here to experience New Zealand. Don't you want to at least TRY the chocolate fish? MONICA: MOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHHH! SHEEP: I think I'm getting sympathetic nausea. STEVE: You don't like chocolate fish either? SHEEP: I don't like watching people barf. MONICA: MOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHHH! *cough* STEVE: That doesn't look like anything we ate today. How deep are you going? SHEEP: I'm out of here. EUROPA: I guess I need to cancel that table for four reservation. STEVE: Let's just have hamburgers. Do they have hamburgers in New Zealand? I suppose they make them out of sheep. SHEEP: [from a distance] Argh! I can't stand it! STEVE: Europa? EUROPA: Huh? STEVE: Do they have buses in New Zealand? EUROPA: Yes. STEVE: Well, what do they look like? Are they big red double-deckers like in England? Are they long silver tourliners like in America? Are they little VW vans like in Nicaraugua? Are they brightly-painted Jeepsters like in the Phillipines? Are they-- |
EUROPA: [rolls her eyes] Steve, they are just normal buses. They're not big and silver, they're not red double-deckers, they're not little brightly painted vans... kind of. Most of them are blue and white I think, although in Wellington they have those new lime green ones... But we're not going on any buses because I get way too claustrophobic and avoid them if I can. STEVE: NO. WAAAAY!! We're gunna ride the Sheep, aren't we?? MONICA: [gives a sideways glance to SHEEP and whispers] Just ignore him ok? Just ignore him. SHEEP: Well!! You can have that sideways look back for a start!! Don't think I don't see what you're doing. I don't NEED your pity, HUMAN, so don't go trying to be the noble and good-deeded peacekeeper sort. Oh you humans are all the same, now what I wouldn't give to lock you up in a paddock with electric fences, send the farm dogs out to "round you up" when really they just scare the crap out of you. You need us to survive. Have you not noticed that WE are what is keeping your economy alive?? I mean, who has the most sheep per head of population? OOOOOOH WELL DONE that is such an ACHIEVEMENT!! We could rule you people and you wouldn't stand a chance, but no, we don't. And why don't we? BECAUSE WE ARE NOT HUMANS!!! MONICA: Oh... um... sorry... SHEEP: That's ok. I just haven't had an outburst for a while and thought I was getting a bit out of character. You know. STEVE: Yeah I guess... so Europa, what are we going to do next? EUROPA: Anything you want Steve, anything you want. This is YOUR vacation afterall. |
| STEVE: I brought a map with me... [digs around in huge leather traveling bag] EUROPA: I didn't know American men carried purses. STEVE: It's a TRAVEL BAG! ... Ah! Here's the map. Now let me get this straight. Since New Zealand is in the southern hemisphere it is upside down, right? The north part is warmer than the south part and winter comes in July and summer in December. A Santa Claus wears a Speedo. Hahahahaha! I made a funny. Santa in a Speedo. Can you visualize that? EUROPE: I could but I would really rather not. Did you come here to make fun of New Zealand, to mock our homeland? SHEEP: Let me kill him. LENNY: Agent 593, remember the Sheep Code? Humans must not be harmed. SHEEP: For this guy I'm willing to ignore the Code and do some harm. LENNY: No, 593! Remember what happened to 592 when he accidently stepped on that Dunedin woman's foot? SHEEP: Yeah, she's wearing his wool and eating his mutton now. Okay, that sobered me up. Right, Lenny. I'll try to stay calm. LENNY: And try to avoid anymore of those "Sheephood Forever" outbursts. SHEEP: Lenny! You can't stop me from being proud to be a sheep. STEVE: Hey! It's all very well to have a little Sheep & Lenny byplay going on but let's not forget that it's really Steve and Europa who are important here. SHEEP: Um, Lenny? The humans are getting restless. I think their insufferable self-centered egotism is showing. STEVE: Europa, how can you guys tolerate all these sheep around? They may be soft and wooly, but their manners are atrocious. They are rude and insulting. MONICA: Can I say something now? STEVE: Wait a minute. It's Europa's turn. MONICA: But I never get a turn anymore. STEVE: Is it my fault you got yourself deleted? MONICA: Steve! You shouldn't be discussing that! EUROPE: Ahem... I'm ready to speak now. |
EUROPA: [turns to face EUROPE] Ah... who the hell are you?? EUROPE: Nobody, see? [dissappears] EUROPA: That was too weird. MONICA: Uh guys, where did the Sheep go?? STEVE: Oh. You. Mean. He's. Not. Here? Oh. Dear. What. A. Shame. EUROPA: I guess it doesn't matter too much seeing as he's apparently not the most important one here which I find very insulting and hurtful. But on the bright side - LOOK!! There's the Beehive!! Let's go protest outside it! All we need is a megaphone, pieces of cardboard to wear like armour and a vivid! |
STEVE: Yippee! ... What's the Beehive? What's a vivid? What's a megaphone? No, wait! I KNOW what a megaphone is. It's one of those giant telephones. And let me guess about the Beehive. It's a club, right? And it's in... [consults map] Hammer Springs! That sounds so like a place that bees would like. And let's see... a vivid? Hmmm... Something brightly colored, no doubt... Perhaps a plastic raincoat available in assorted colors? Or... colours, as they say in old NZ. MONICA: Maybe if you'll shut up for a minute then Europa can tell us herself what the Beehive is. STEVE: Maybe... [mumbling] someone's in a very bad mood... MONICA: Did you say something? STEVE: I said today you look very good! |
| EUROPA: Oh man, where do I start?? Well first Steve, read your map again... Hammer Springs? I don't think so... HamNer Springs I think you'll find... STEVE: That's what I said!!! EUROPA: Ok, the Beehive - well that's the Government building. It's called the Beehive pretty much because that's what the general shape of it looks like!! It's a pretty cool building, really. And as for vivids... well, what else can I call them? A vivid is a vivid!! It's a vivid, Steve! Um... let me think... premanent marker? OH GOD that sounded soooo American!! |
STEVE: A permanent marker? But that's so... ordinary! I thought New Zealand was supposed to be the Magical Land of Enchantment? I suppose pencils are Scratchies and ballpoint pens are ClickWriters? And let me see... paper is FlatWhites and books are FlipReaders and... MONICA: Steve! You're babbling again... STEVE: I always babble when I feel disappointment coming on. MONICA: I tried to tell you that New Zealand was just another country... STEVE: No! I'll never believe that! It's a magical place where ANYTHING might happen! What about the talking sheep, huh? MONICA: What talking sheep? STEVE: The talking sheep! It was right here! You heard it! MONICA: There are lots of sheep around but I all I hear them saying is baa-a-a-a. STEVE: Don't try it! I know what you're doing! You're trying to make me think I'm crazy, aren't you? Well, it won't work! I'm sane! I AM SANE! MONICA: Riiiiight, sure you are. Now just take a deep breath and I'll get you some nice cool water. Everything is going to be alright... STEVE: Stop that! Europa! Tell her that sheep talked. EUROPA: [waits until Monica is away getting the water and whispers] Yes, but keep it to yourself. I think Monica might be an Australian spy. [winks] STEVE: [winking back] Oh... yeah... I never thought of that. You're right, I don't really know much about her other than she takes copious notes. Shhh! She's coming back. MONICA: Here's your water, Steve. Feeling better? STEVE: Yes... This is good. Thanks, mate. MONICA: What did you say? STEVE: I said it tastes great! |
EUROPA: Alright everyone... I thinks it's about time for somehting magical and enchanting to happen!! It's a New Zealand thing - you can just kind of feel it in your bones when it's about to happen... and look! It's almost four - right on time. STEVE: OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! MONICA: OK, I'm ready to take copious notes. EUROPA: It may not be as simple as that Monica. STEVE: Oh! So what's gonna happen? Will it hurt? EUROPA: You never know Steve until it - BLAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!!!!! STEVE: What? Europa are you ok? What's happening? Is it happening to you now??? EUROPA: Nah, just thought I'd do that to make you think something magical and enchanting was happening to me right now. [the watch on Europa's wrist strikes four and she goes completely limp. The back of her head flaps open and a tiny little green alien jumps out and walks off down the road] ALIEN: Quitting time!! [alien sees Steve and Monica staring] ALIEN: Don't worry, when my reliever gets here and starts her back up she won't notice a thing! Chao! |
| STEVE: Okay, that was a little TOO magical. MONICA: That's so weird , Steve. Did I really see what I think I saw? STEVE: If you think you saw what I thought I saw then yes, you probably did. MONICA: Did what? STEVE: Saw what I saw. MONICA: What did you see? STEVE: I assume it was the same thing you saw. Are you saying that maybe what you saw is not what I saw? MONICA: I just know what I saw. If you saw it, too, then just say so. You always have to get so "cute" about everything. STEVE: Well how am I going to know if I saw the same thing you saw unless you tell me what you saw? MONICA: I saw-- EUROPA: Okay, I'm reactivated now. How do you like my garden? MONICA: It's very pleasant. STEVE: It's okay. What are those red flowers? Europa's garden ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
EUROPA: They are roses, Steve. So are the white ones, the deep red ones, the pink ones and the yellow ones. And all that green stuff? Trees, grass ya know? Same old, same old. MONICA: Oh! So THIS is what green grass looks like! Woooooow! EUROPA: Well yes, we do pride ourselves on our greeness here. SHEEP: HEY!! I just thought that for no reason at all I would pop back into the storyline, say something that nobody really takes any notice of, take up a lot of time actually speaking about speaking for no reason and generally be annoying. So how am I doing? Good? Yes, I must admit my wool stands on end at times - that's just how thrilling I can be. Baaaaaba black sheep have you any wool.... yes sir yes sir three bags full... but keep your damn hands off my wool you filthy human! And keep your hands off my three bags too! It's not like I own anything else, I mean, the world is free dude... you can't put a price on nature man. |
| STEVE: Oh geeeez! YOU again? SHEEP: Don't worry, I'm not talking to you. STEVE: Unfortunately, I can hear you whether you talk TO me or not. MONICA: Can't we all just get along? STEVE: Would you like me to help you carry one of those bags of wool? SHEEP: Keep your hands off my bags! [man in jeans and a T-shirt comes walking up] MAN: Hello, mate! STEVE: Hello! Are you a sheep-catcher by any chance? We've got a rabid sheep here that needs to be put away. SHEEP: Hey! I'm as sane as you are. MONICA: [mumbling] That's not saying much. |
| Man: I'm not a sheep catcher, I'm the Prime Minister. I heard up the pub that you were here researching a travel guide on New Zealand. Steve: That's right. News travels fast here in the land of enchantment. Monica: I'm his secretary. I actually do most of the work. Man: Love the sombrero. It really shows off your eyes. Man walks over to Sheep and gives it a swift kick in the guts. Sheep runs far, far away. Steve: Why didn't I think of that? Man: So tell me, what do you need to know? |
STEVE: I need to know everything. I want the low-down on New Zealand. I want the facts, the information, the inside story, and the Truth. JEANS: You don't want much, do you? Well, let's start at the beginning. You see, a billion years ago Australia and New Zealand and Japan were all one giant continent called Panglossia. Then the volcanoes erupted and killed all the dinosaurs and split Panglossia into three parts. STEVE: Australia, New Zealand, and Japan? JEANS: Yes. You're very astute. Or have you heard the story before? EUROPA: This is a total crock! STEVE: Ahem! You had your chance to give me the historical background. Can you be quiet for just a moment? EUROPA: Only a moment, then I'm speaking up with a vengeance. STEVE: Please continue, Prime Minister Jeans. EUROPA: And he's not really the Prime Minister, you know? STEVE: Shhhh! Later you can speak. EUROPA: Hmmph! STEVE: Please continue, O Wise Man from the Capitol. JEANS: Yes... Well, after the big three-way split a war broke out over who would get all the birds. STEVE: Ahhhh... the birds! JEANS: Australia won, but as a gesture of friendliness, New Zealand was allowed to keep the flightless species. STEVE: So THAT explains it! You see, Miss Europa? I KNEW there was a perfectly logical explanation. |
EUROPA: Sooooo then Jeans, you seem to know it all. Here's a few questions for you: When did the Prime Minister become a MAN???? Oh wait, nevermind... people always joke about her being a man. Ok, what do you call those things up there? They're flying! Hmm? Hmmm? JEANS: Airplanes... EUROPA: EXACTLY! Wait, oh. STEVE: [whispers to Europa] He kicked your sheep. He kicked your sheep. EUROPA: [turns on jeans...] |
| JEANS: Well actually my name is Helen, Helen Clarke, but because I spend so much time up the pub, wearing jeans and hanging out with my constituents who are mostly men, watching the All Blacks kick the Wallabies collective arses I've been accepted as a token bloke. That and I've got a really deep voice. EUROPA: Right. Hey, what happened to Steve's secretary?, never mind. We need to find out all you can tell us about New Zealand. STEVE: Yeah, stop mucking us about. JEANS: Allright. The birds. As you know we ended up with MOST, not all of the flightless ones. We didn't get the Emu, Ostrich, Dodo or Sheila. We didn't really like the Moas, they were too big and stupid looking, so we hunted them down and stuffed our mattresses with their feathers. Steve begins to sharpen a butchers knife in front of the PM. JEANS: Ahhh... well anyway. That's the birds. We got other animals as well. EUROPA: Such as. JEANS: We got this lizard who's name escapes me, but this lizard lives for a very bloody long time. They can live longer than God. Bloody ugly though. Steve is beginning to get a bit irrate about the PMs boring sounding voice. He steps towards him with his perfectly honed butcher's knife and says, STEVE: You're a grubby little urchin, aint ya! You're beginning to get on my nerves. Europa steps in to calm things down. EUROPA: Boys, boys, ohh sorry Hels, why don't we enjoy a few cans of DB and eat this BBQ'd lizard I've prepared... and get to know each other. STEVE: I will if he, she stops talking crap and comes clean. JEANS: Sounds fine to me too. The three of them walk over to the campfire which miraculously appeared and began to started crack open tubes and eating the mystery bbq'd lizard. |
STEVE: Hey! Where's Monica? EUROPA: Ask me something that interests me. STEVE: [walking around looking into the bushes] Monica! Monnnnn-ica! Where arrrrrrre you? [a scream is heard] MONICA: Steve! I can't do my business in private without you playing Peeping Tom? STEVE: Oops! Sorry! I just wondered where you were. MONICA: Well now you know where I am, Mister Goggle Eyes. STEVE: Come have some BBQ lizard. It's almost tasty. And the Prime Minister of New Zealand is here. He/She knows SO much more about NZ that that guide they sent us. What's her name? Europa?My gosh, you would think she grew up in China or somewhere. She's so woefully lacking in NZ knowledge. MONICA: Oh stop it, Steve. Who took us right to the jandals store? [they walk back to the campfire] STEVE: Come on. Here they are. And there is still some lizard meat left. |
EUROPA: Hey!! Incase you didn't notice that Prime Minister just told you everything I've already told you about my country Steve! But you won't listen to me when I say we do actually have birds that CAN fly! And she forgot the name of the lizard.... TUATARA!!! Shhhheeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!! MONICA: [screams] EUROPA: What? Are you ok Monica? MONICA: Yeah, why? EUROPA: [rolls her eyes] |
| The Prime Minster, 'haemaphrodite' Helen Clarke gnaws on a lizard leg and says, Jeans/Helen Clarke: You're probably wondering where all the New Zealanders are? Lots of tourists wonder that when they come here. Monica: Yes I was wondering about that. Steve: Me too. Europa: Me 'n' all. Jeans/Helen Clarke: Well, as we don't have much in the way of industry here except making the odd block buster movie, sheep, fishing, bungy jumping, our citizens go to Australia and live there. it stands to reason, they're dole paysmuch more than ours. Steve: That's fascinating. Doesn't this worry you that everyone's leaving NZ? Jeans/Helen Clarke: No. They're sports mad over there. They've got bloody cricket and rugby institutes. Our rugby players go over there, get fed and trained come back join the All Blacks and win all the time, except for the times they lose. Europa: That's a wonderful cultural exchange you've got going. Jeans/Helen Clarke: It's not just sport. We don't worry much about having a Navy or Air force or any of the 'macho' pursuits of the murderous arts, we just let Australia and the U.S. worry 'bout that sort of thing. Our military consists of 2 Sopwith Camels, a tug boat and we've got three guys in our army. They look after border control. Monica: Doesn't that worry you a bit? Jeans/Helen Clarke: Not in the slightest. In the eighties we told the U.S. to get knotted as they wouldn't tell us whether their ships coming into harbour had nukes or not. They had to got to Sydney. They're such suck holes over there. We don't really like Australians much. They're so common. Here's a joke... What's the difference between a can of yoghurt and an Aussie? Steve: Don't know? Jeans/Helen Clarke: The can of yoghurt's got more culture.... ha, ha, ha.... As the PM drones on and on, Monica starts to feel a bit sick from the weirdo lizard and chunders all over Steve. |
STEVE: Did you just chunder on me? MONICA: Huh? What? Chunder? STEVE: Yes, chunder. Don't you see the chunder dripping off my leg? MONICA: Ooooo, gross! What did you DO? STEVE: Me? I didn't do anything! You chundered on me! MONICA: Steve, I don't even know what chundering IS. How could I chunder on you? STEVE: Europa? Did or did not Monica just chunder all over my leg? |
EUROPA: Not JUST all over your leg, Steve. Man, that was one amazing TECHNICOLOUR YAWN [hints to Steve] Monica! Bravo! MONICA: [grins] Thanks Europa. STEVE: But you just said you didn't!!! EUROPA: [Walks over to Helen Clarke with an extremely pissed off look on her face] What was with that load of crap you just said before? YOU'RE the Prime Minister and you have no idea what you're even talking about! Oooooooooooh wait a minute, maybe you were just "pretending" that our industries aren't growing stronger all the time, and that people actually WANT to go to Aus for reasons OTHER than it's the closest place to us and relatively cheap. Oh, I get what you were doing now. You were just trying to make us look bad by mentioning how many people are leaving New Zealand and not mentioning at all how many people are coming INTO New Zealand. Ahhh, ok, I don't get it. [Monica and Steve exchange looks] |
| Helen Clarke opened another can of beer for herself and passed a tube each to everyone else from her endless supply. Lubricate them she thought...the old politicians trick. Helen Clarke: Geez Mon., that was some projectile vomit. Look at all the carrots... Steve: Ahhh, that's what chunder is. I wondered why I smelt like the inside of a really disgusting thing. [Steve takes a piece of material out of his overnight bag. The piece of material turned out to be the U.S. flag which for some unknown reason he was carrying around with him. He used the flag to wipe the spew from his body while continuing to eat]. Europa: Righto Hells, what is this crap about everyone leaving NZ for Oz? Helen Clarke: It's true, I've been there. Also our secret intelligence agency... Do you know Graham? Europa: Everyone knows Graham. Helen Clarke: Well he reckons its the ultimate plan of economic rationalism. Let your people go, they send back the cash and you don't have to provide hospital beds, education etc... Let the skips do it. Steve: Skips? Helen Clarke: Australians. It's like what Fidel Castro did in Cuba. He let everyone leave that wanted to go. Europa: That's completely different. Cuba's communist. NZ isn't. Helen Clarke: Have you already forgotten about Piggy Muldoon? I don't see what you're problem is. We got rid of Russell Crowe, he's the full ocker now. Would you still want that wombat here?, We also got rid of Joh Bjelke Petersen. Europa/Steve: Who? Helen Clarke: Joh Bjelke Petersen. He was a New Zealander who went to Australia, Queensland to be precise, and was the Premier of Queensland for over twenty years. He was a complete tosser, rigged the ballot, cut down most of the rain forest. Good riddens, I say. Do you really want NZ to become like all the other bloody industrialised nations with no bloody trees, pollution and so on? This place is absobloody beautiful, that's what makes it so special. Europa: I suppose you're right. Helen Clarke: Of course I'm right, that's why I'm your King... sorry Queen. Steve: I thought you were the PM? Helen Clarke: Sorry, I get a bit carried away at times. [The sun was lowering beneath a band of cloud that obscured the view of a distant mountain. Another beautiful day in NZ was drawing to a close bringing on a perfect evening that wouldn't be disturbed by the antics of Moa birds.] [Steve needed more, he wasn't satisifed. His guide wasn't complete. They hadn't seen much of NZ. He needed to know what was good, and what was bad.] [Monica felt hungry has she had given her lunch freedom.] [Europa had begun to warm towards Helen Clarke. She still thought the PM was full of shit, but somehow she felt a small amount of respect for her. Her logic was sound and she could hold her piss.] |
STEVE: Monica! MONICA: What, master? STEVE: Did you take notes on all that? MONICA: Yes, sir. STEVE: Good. Then I don't have to remember any of it. I can read about it later. Meanwhile... MONICA: Steve? STEVE: Sorry. I had one of my little "blank spells". How long was I out? MONICA: Just a moment or two. STEVE: Where are we? MONICA: Are you sure you're okay? New Zealand. STEVE: Ah, yes! New Zealand! Land of Enchantment. Land of the Morning Sun. Land of the Pharoahs. Land Beyond Time. MONICA: Steve! Lay down for a moment. You need a rest. EUROPA: Anything I can do? MONICA: I think now would be a good time to sing Steve a lullabye or tell him a story from that little book you liked so much when you were a small child. |
[Europa's eyes brighten, full of memories. Which is actually quite a creepy place for memories to be... anyway...] EUROPA: [says in the childlike voice with which she used to read her favourite book] The Little Caterpillar. Once there was a little caterpillar and he was very hungry. On Monday he ate through a whole leaf. [turns the page after poking her finger through the hole in the middle of the leaf] On Tuesday he ate through a whole leaf and an apple. [turns the page] On Wednesday he ate through a whole leaf and two oranges. [turns the page after comparing how big the caterpillar is now compared to previous page] On Thursday he ate through a leaf, two plums, and three cupcakes. [turns the page] On Friday he ate through three leaves, a piece of cake, three strawberries and a cherry pie. [turns the page] On Saturday he ate through five leaves, six bananas, four sausages and a bunch of grapes. [turns the page] But the next day was Sunday, and the little caterpillar wasn't so little anymore. He spun himself a place to sleep and dissapeared from sight. The next day was Monday, and the little caterpillar wasn't a little caterpillar anymore. He was a beautiful butterfly. The End! |
| (Just then American Ambasador Charles J. Swindells steps into the building.) Swindells: Prime Minister Clarke, there seems... Steve:(interrupts)Oh wait! You're American Ambassador Charles J. Swindells! Can I have a picture with you? (Europa runs closer carrying a camera) Europa: Say "I LOVE NEW ZEALAND!" (snaps camera) Steve: I love New Zealand! (smiles while Europa snaps camera) Wait. You have to take another. He didn't say anything. I think we should get him drunk. Swindells:Sorry, sir! I don't drin...(interrupted once Steve shoves beer can into Swindells' mouth) Steve:(after Swindells' eighth can) Say it! Swindells:(after getting drunk) I love New Ameri..(hiccups) Zealand. (Europa snaps a picture) |
| Helen Clarke: I dig the caterpilar. Steve: What caterpilar? Helen clarke: The one from a couple of additions ago... Steve looks at Monica, Monica looks at Europa, they all look at Swindler. Helen Clarke: He's certainly out of it... Steve: Lets go through his pockets. Monica: Sir, I must protest. Helen Clarke: Bloody Septics. He's trying to annex New Zealand. Steve: How can you tell? Helen Clarke: Look what he's been reading. They all lean over the beer soaked Swindler... Hells pulls out a well thumbed tome from the ambassadors pocket, and reads the title. "HOW TO ANNEX NEW ZEALAND : A GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS" Could this get any worse? Will Steve and Mon find out anything about NZ? |
| STEVE: [making a WTF face] "Why would anyone want to annex New Zealand?" MONICA [mouth falls open] "Steve! Be nice." STEVE: [uses his forefinger to flick shut Monica's mouth] "Strategically... and I think you can see that I know what I'm talking about when I begin with a word like 'strategically'... MONICA: Oh shut up! STEVE: No, YOU shut up! HELEN: Ahem... Don't worry. Nobody is going to annex us. Australia has been trying to do it for years, but we won't let them. EUROPA: So you liked my Caterpillar story? HELEN: What? EUROPA: [eyes glinting with childish hope] The caterpillar? You liked it? HELEN: [frowning] We've moved on to new topics. EUROPA: But look! I dug out all my old favourite books! Want to hear another story? HELEN: Perhaps later... EUROPA: Okay, here's a good one! |
[Europa stands up and dials a number on her cellphone] Yes, hello. This is the story about the Two People I Want You To Get Rid Of. [begins speaking in a made up language, because she knows that one certain person will understand if she uses Spanish and another will use shoddy internet translators which will just help him get the formalities, genders and numbers wrong] Okay, thanks, buh-bye. [Two big scary looking men dressed in black appear and drag Helen Clarke back off to the Beehive and the American Guy back to America.] EUROPA: [flames appear in her eyes] ANYONE else who says something I do not like will be disposed of in the same way. IIIIIII am the guide, and IIIIII am in charge. MONICA: Okay Europa fair enough, but are you okay? That eye thing isn't normal is it? Or is it a New Zealand thing? EUROPA: Huh? What eye thing? STEVE: That demonic flame kind of thing that you were just doing... did you have to stop, I was just getting out my marshmellows and sticks! EUROPA: Um, what are you guys talking about? Flames? No no, I was talking about the Hurricanes. Hurr-i-canes. Not flames. Come on, we are going to the Cake Tin to see a Hurricanes vs. the Highlanders game! |
STEVE: Oh goody! Oh boy! Oh happy! Oh joy! The HURRICANES! [big smile] MONICA: [looking askance at Steve] You have a problem? STEVE: I'm just sooooo HAPPY! EUROPA: Yes, well... You don't need to be quite THAT happy. STEVE: But I AM! I BE HAPPY MAN! Hahahahahahah! Hahahahahahah! Hahahahahaha HAH HAH HAH! EUROPA: [to Monica] Is it possible for someone to be TOO happy? MONICA: I think you're looking at it. Do they have straitjackets in New Zealand? |
EUROPA: We do indeed have straightjacket here. Why, are you cold? [takes of her straight jacket and hands it to Monica] Now, excuse me while I just stand here and stare blankly at nothing, waiting for someone to ask me what The Hurricanes, and the Cake Tin is, or make up some wild guesses. |
| MONICA: I think Steve's drunk. EUROPA: Me too! (Steve sips his beer than slithers to the ground, drunkily and loses conscience) MONICA: Let's draw on him! (EUROPA and MONICA giggle like little girls) |
[Monica gets one of her crayons out of her purse to draw on Steve but Europa grabs her wrist...] EUROPA: Wait! Don't you want to hear about the Cake Tin and the Hurricanes? MONICA: But Steve is passed out and this is our chance to... Ouch! [Europa squeezes Monica's wrist very hard] EUROPA: I said. Don't. You. Want. To. Hear. About the Tin Can. And the Hurricanes? MONICA: [trembling] I- I guess I do. EUROPA: {big smile} Good! Now listen closely... |
[Steve regains his conciousness to press his ear against Europa's] EUROPA: Ouch! Not that closely. STEVE: Misterble Constanations!!! EUROPA: .... MONICA: .... JUAN: .... EUROPA: Well, the Hurricanes are Wellington's Rugby team. And the Cake Tin is the nickname given to the stadium in Wellington. It looks like a giant Cake Tin. See... I'm a good tour guide. I DO teach you things about New Zealand! STEVE: Whaaaaaaabbbly??? We're in New Guiney... Land ahoy? EUROPA: .... MONICA: .... JUAN: .... EUROPA: Anyway, back to this drawing we were gonna do! Juan, hand Steve another Tui! [Monica and Juan look confused] EUROPA: It's a brand of beer, not the bird. |
STEVE: New Guiney, New Guiney, gem of the ocean... I left my heart.. in New Guiney... LAAAND AHOY! Lower the gangplank, Captain Bligh! I'm going ashore! Arrrrgh! MONICA: *sigh* EUROPA: So, what else do you want to know about rugby? MONICA: What's "rugby"? EUROPA: Oh, did I overlook the basics? It's a game played with rugs and paddles. See, the team leader picks someone to be "it" and then "it" hides under a rug and the rest of the team beats him with their paddles until he screams "I give! I give!" HOWARD: Can Steve be "it"? EUROPA: Well, it would HAVE to be either you or Steve because only boys can be "it". MONICA: Oh, that's so anti-feminist. [giggles] EUROPA: Heehee... |
EUROPA: Why are you laughing? They're telling it all wrong! EUROPA: Who, me? EUROPA: Yeah, you. EUROPA: I found a sticky jellybaby. EUROPA: Oh, fair enough. Heehee... |
STEVE: Psssst! Monica! Our tour guide is talking to herself. Do you think she might be crazy? MONICA: Who cares? It's not our problem. STEVE: But Monica! What if she picks up an axe and tries to chop off our head or something? MONICA: Let's worry about that when she actually picks up a n axe. Right now she is just making funny faces and laughing at her own jokes. That seems harmless enough. STEVE: I'm worried. EUROPA: Are you guys talking about me? STEVE: No, ma'am! We were just talking about... about flightless birds and how beautiful New Zealand is. EUROPA: Yes, it's lovely isn't it? Do you want a sticky jellybaby? STEVE: Um... Do you have one that's not... wet? |
EUROPA: One that's not wet... [looks extremely thoughtful]... No. Sorry. But I'll tell you what I do have! Just not now. STEVE: Um, well. [talks to Monica] So you know, that whole...series... of words that she just said? Yeah, that. Um, was that meant to make any sense to us? Was she even talking TO us? Or AT us? Or AROUND us? MONICA: I'm really not sure at all. I think she's trying to tell us she's got something. STEVE: Like what??? MONICA: I don't know, maybe some kind of disease that is another one of those NEW ZEALAND things. STEVE: Oooh, juicy! wonder what it is? EUROPA: You do know I can hear you, right? MONICA: She's not going to tell us now though. STEVE: Do you think we should try and worm it out of her? EUROPA: [sighs] Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys. MONICA: Hmmm. Maybe we should just leave it for a bit longer. She'll tell us if she wants to, and if she doesn't then THAT's when we'll start singing the Star Spangled Banner. That'll scare the crap out of her. EUROPA: Ok, well I'm just going to head off into this creepy looking forest. Join me when you feel the need. STEVE: Oh yah! Good plan Monica! Say, where did Europa go? |
MONICA: Over here, Steve! We're finally going to get to see the creepy forest! STEVE: Oh boy! Is this where they keep the giant gorillas? EUROPA: You'll be happy to know that there are NO snakes in New Zealand so you don't have to watch where you step. MONICA: Whew! That's a relief. STEVE: Can we skip along through the forest and sing, "Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la"? |
EUROPA: If you must Steve, but hear I preach, be careful. There are...things... in forests. A friend and I were approached by one when we were walking through a forest about a month or so ago. You can't see them though, and they have foreign and inexplicable powers. STEVE: OH MY GAWD, what happened Europa? EUROPA: We were standng on a rise in the forest that was covered with pine needles- STEVE: Ooooh, wait! I think I know this one! What kind of forest was it? MONICA: ... EUROPA: ... MONICA AND EUROPA: ... MONICA: Continue, Europa. EUROPA: We were making short movies with a digital camera and I was facing my friend, taking a shot of her when... I SAW IT!!! MONICA: Saw what???! EUROPA: IT!! STEVE: WHAAAAT!!!! EUROPA: It was three pine needles joined at one end FLOATING in mid air in a straight line from left to right behind her back. STEVE: What did you do then? EUROPA: I whispered to her, "Dude, look behind your back. No kidding, look." She got creeped out by the way I said that and turned around. THEN!... it all of a sudden changed direction and moved towards us. [MONICA and STEVE stare wide-eyed] EUROPA: We both yelled and she tried to swipe at it... now this is when the story cuts into two versions. One that my mind made up, and one that actually happened. But I don't know which is which. Version One: She swiped at it and broke the cobwebs coming down from a tree that it was attatched to, then we both felt really creeped out and left the area. Version Two: She swiped at it and DONK! Her hand stopped in mid air, crushed against something that we couldn't see and she let out a yell... "OUCH!" We both shrieked and fell backwards down the rise and ran and ran and ran until we were out of the forest and back on the road to the bach. When we arrived at the bach we never spoke of what we saw, and never ventured into that forest.... ever.... again. |
STEVE: So what you seem to be hinting at in a very obscure, teasing kind of way is... is... that there are... SPIDERS! Aiiieeeeee! [runs away screaming] MONICA: Did I mention that Steve doesn't like spiders? EUROPA: No, but that's not surprising since it really isn't your job to mention everything Steve doesn't like. MONICA: What IS my job? EUROPA: You're some kind of "personal assistant" aren't you? (Whatever THAT means...  )MONICA: What was that last thing you said in a mumbly way? EUROPA: Nothing. I don't like to criticize other people's bizarre living arrangements. MONICA: You're just jealous because YOU don't have a personal assistant. EUROPA: Ha! Are you kidding? I have a sheep! MONICA: ... EUROPA: A ROBOTIC sheep! MONICA: Why are your eyes glinting so furiously? EUROPA: You don't believe me? MONICA: Just- Just calm down. I didn't mean to get you all hyped up. Look! Here comes Steve. He must have conquered his childish fear of spiders. STEVE: It's not childish. Some spiders are poisonous. And who knows how big they get in New Zealand?! Have you seen the size of the gorillas?! |
[Two men in black suits and shades approach Steve and Monica, attatching electrodes to their temples] MAN #1: Hey Ropa, another gorilla discovery, huh? EUROPA: Yep, you got it Rob. [grins at the men and rolls her eyes] MAN #2: So what do you think Ropa? Semi-cleanse or total-wipe? EUROPA: Semi should be fine. Neither of them seem to really take in much information anyway. MAN #1: Was it the valley of dinosaurs too, or just the gorilla? EUROPA: Just the gorilla, but you should trace the dinos just incase, of course. MAN #1: Of course. MAN #2: Heheheeeeeee! Ropa! Look at the feed we are getting from this guy's head! EUROPA: What feed? MAN #2: Exactly! Hehee! EUROPA: Nearly done guys, don't want this to appear too conspicous... MAN #1: Nearly done... yeah, done boss. MAN #2: ... Aaaaand.... done. EUROPA: Alright, thanks guys. I'll catch up with you later on. Free this weekend? MEN: Of course we are! [Men leave] EUROPA: ... really quite good from an economic point of view. But I suppose that you'd rather do something more practical now than listening to me go on about that, huh? Anything in particular you want to do? Steve? |
STEVE: Huh? Did I order a cheese sandwich? MONICA: You ARE a cheese sandwich! EUROPA: Hahaha! Good one, Monny! MONICA: Thanks, Ropey! STEVE: Hey, I want a nickname, too. MONICA: You mean, like "doody head"? STEVE: No, I want a cool one like you guys have. MONICA: But Ropey and I are friends. You need a friend to have a nickname. And you don't have any friends, Steve. So you'll always just be Steve. Just plain. old. Steve. STEVE: Are you trying to make me cry again? I have more self-esteem now. I know you guys are my friends even if you don't know it. EUROPA: Awwwww, I'll give you a nick name, Steve. STEVE: You will? I'm grinning like a friendly little kid right before the older kids trick him into going into the yard where the ferocious dog runs out and scares the piss out of him. What's the nickname? |
EUROPA: I shall name ye Puck. [Europa smiles and give Steve a big hug] I love you, Puck. There are no big scary doggies... and no piss. The world is an alright place. |
STEVE: *sniff* I think I'm going to cry. I'm just so happy! MONICA: Ewwww! Pull yourself together. I hate it when a man is all soft and squishy and mushy. STEVE: It's just a tear. I didn't collapse into a quivering ball of protoplasm. MONICA: That's more like it. I thought I was going to have to do one those "Thanks, I needed that" slaps. STEVE: [hugs Europa] You're so nice, Europa. I'm glad you're not like Monica. MONICA: Hey! I can be nice. EUROPA: It will be nicer if we don't argue about whose nice and who is not. MONICA: Oh, now it's Miss Peacemaker, is it? STEVE: Aw, stop it, Monica! You're just jealous because "Ropey" and "Puck" are hugging. MONICA: Ew! Ew! Ew! [stomps away, disgusted] |
EUROPA: [turns to stone... blazing flames leap from her head and the whole of her eyes turn jet-black, vicious fangs slide down over her lips and her voice drops a few octaves] NEVER. CALL. ME. ROPEY. STEVE: [stares in horror] OHMYGOD! This is so much worse than the scary doggies! I'm sorry, I'll never call you Ropey again! I promise! EUROPA: [back to normal] Sheesh Steve, don't worry about it - it's no big deal. Here, give me another hug. |
STEVE: [trembling] Umm... sure... [quick hug] EUROPA: So... What does my little Puck want to see next? STEVE: Well, Ro- I mean, Miss Frost. {submissive grin] I want to see the annual running of the New Zealand bulls. EUROPA: Running of the New Zealand bulls?! That's just a lot of bull, Puck! STEVE: I know! Lots of bulls! That's why I want to see it! EUROPA: No, no. I mean there are no New Zealand bulls. STEVE: Then how do... EUROPA: Okay, there SOME New Zealand bulls, but there are not so many that they... Look, even if we had a lot of bulls, why would we want to make them run? STEVE: I'm not sure. They do it in Spain. I heard if there is one yearning a New Zealander will admit to, it's a secret desire to be Spanish. Is that true? |
EUROPA: [looks into the horizon] Once, long ago, that was as true as true can be. But in the days of today that deep fire that used to burn in the heart of all New Zealanders has dwindled and been extinguished in all but a few... all but one. Yet, there is still hope. For a fire that burns, if sheltered and tended to can oneday become the glorious bonfire for all to feel and become in tune with. The warm tones and vivacious flames will no longer be hidden, and a freedom unlike no other will be released. We shall put on our Flamenco skirts and grab our castanettes and the night shall be ours. STEVE: ...Am I on fire, or something? |
EUROPA: No,Puckle. It's not YOU that is on fire, but I. For you see, I am that one lonely New Zealander who still yearns for some castanettes of her own. I mean, I still have the ones I made from empty L&P cans and a discarded jandal in my handicrafts class, but I want some REAL castanettes, authentic Spanish castanettes. I want to wear the big skirt and twirl around clicking my castanettes while gripping a rose between my teeth and flashing my big brown eyes at Senor Mucho Macho! STEVE: Can I be Senor Mucho Macho? EUROPA: Hahahahahahhaha! Hahahahahahaha! Heeheehee! *gasp* Hahahahahaha!... ... ... No. STEVE: I know what a chimichanga is... MONICA: You ARE a chimichanga. STEVE: Oh, hi, Monica. I thought you stalked off in a huff? MONICA: I don't "stalk" and whatever a "huff" is I'm pretty sure I've never stalked in one. EUROPA: Ahem! Can we shift the conversation back to me now? STEVE: Catfight! MONICA: You wish, Steve. Europa, don't pay any attention to this chimichanga. He's one burrito short of a happy meal. EUROPA: Huh? MONICA: He is muy loco! EUROPA: Oh! Si! Si! STEVE: See what? What are you guys looking at? |
EUROPA: One burrito short of a happy meal. Haha! You can't even get burrito's with happy meals! That's crazy! Oh.... [click] MONICA: Lucky you understand Spanish, Europa. EUROPA: Si! STEVE: No, for the last time I don't! I don't see anything, Europa. EUROPA: Oooooh, did I tell you about the Spanish guy I'm going to marry? MONICA: Yes. Many. Many. Many times. EUROPA: Oh, nevermind then! |
STEVE: You can tell me about him. I never remember anything you tell me so even if you told me before it will seem like fresh news to me. ¿Comprende? |
STEVE: No comprende? ¿Cuál es el problema? ¿Es su cabeza vacÃa? ¿Usted perdió su memoria? |
EUROPA: My head is not empty and I did not lose my memory.... patience, yes, quite arguably, but memory, nay. Here Steve, I think you need this. [Hands Steve a little book] STEVE: Cool! 101 Ways to Become a Vampire! EUROPA: Oh, not that one... this one. Spanish Grammar Guide. You're not the best in that area, Steve. MONICA: I feel left out. EUROPA: Here! You can have this! MONICA: Cool! 101 Ways to Become a Vampire! STEVE: Aw. EUROPA: There there. Now!!!! What would you like to do next on your New Zealand Adventure, Steve? STEVE: I want to ride a milk unit!! EUROPA: A cow? STEVE: Cow? Um.... [flicks through Spanish Grammar Guide until Europa takes it off him] EUROPA: Alright you two, put some gumboots on then follow me into this paddock. By the way, did you know that if you cross a homozygous red bull with a homozygous white cow all the viable offspring will be roan coloured? It's because of codominance in the red and white alleles - they are both independantly and equally expressed. STEVE: OHMIGOD! You have RED cows?!!! EUROPA: Um, they're not really red. They're more of a brown-but-quite-close-to-red-colour. But when the sun shines on them it does look very red. MONICA: OHMIGOD! You have white cows!!? EUROPA:... yes. STEVE and MONICA: [eyes go wide] Cooooool. |
STEVE: [jumping up and down} I know the sound that cows make! I know the sound that cows make! MONICA: Well, duh! EUROPA: Shhhh! Okay, Steve, let's hear it. STEVE: Mooooooo! EUROPA: That's very good, Steve. Maybe a cow will hear you and think that you are another cow. STEVE: [wide-eyed] Really! I hope so! MONICA: Oh, please! No cow is gonna think your old raggedy self is another cow. STEVE: [furrowed brow] Europa said so! MONICA: Europa said so! Europa said so! What is she? Like your big hero or something now? STEVE: [makes a fist] EUROPA: Shhh! Quiet now! If you're good I'll tell you a cow story. Steve and Monica quickly lose interest in their squabble and settle down into cross-legged squats in front of Europa and gaze expectantly into her face where they can see by her glinting eyes and twitching nose that she is thinking of a cow story to tell them... |
EUROPA: Meh... the moment passed. Get up you two!! We have cow riding to do! STEVE: Awwwwww! EUROPA: Steve. STEVE: [jumps up quickly] Yay! Cow riding! MONICA: Can I ride a WHITE cow??? EUROPA: Erm, no. MONICA: Awww! EUROPA: Well I don't have any white cows on my farm, all of mine are black and white, or just black. MONICA: So, can I ride the RED one? EUROPA:... STEVE: Ok, so where are these cows I can ride? EUROPA: Patience, dear Steve. First we must prepare you for the thrill that has come to be known as cow riding. To prepare you, we need to teach you how to survive a Mechanical Bull. STEVE: B-b-but, mechanical bulls are DANGEROUS! I might get hurt!!! EUROPA: Steve, do you want to ride a cow or not? STEVE:.... I...do? EUROPA: Good. Therefore, you need to ride the mechanical bull. It's perfectly safe compared to what a ride on a REAL cow will be like. MONICA: [shudders] [Europa gets Steve up onto the mechanical bull that just so conveniently happened to be nearby, and watches as Steve is thrashed around, yelling. Finally the ride stops and Steve slumps, panting.] EUROPA: There Steve, that wasn't so bad, was it? Just remember to face the head of the cow for the real thing, and you'll be fine! STEVE: Do I have... any... skin pigment... left? EUROPA: You're fine. STEVE: Really? Cause it feels like... I broke... my... spirit. EUROPA: Oh come on, you did really well! NOW, for the real cow! [Europa takes Steve and Monica into a paddock of cows and gets Steve up onto a particularly bored looking one.] STEVE: [nervously] Europaaaaa! EUROPA: Hush, Steve, loudness infuriates them! STEVE: [whimpers] What do I hold on to? EUROPA: Nothing! Just use your thigh muscles to keep upright. MONICA: Uh, maybe it's just me, maybe neither of you haven't noticed, but the cow ain't doing anything. COW: For crying out loud! I don't DO, anything? I don't DOOOOO anything! I have, like FOUR stomachs, you know! Don't tell me that doesn't DO anything! What do you want? A broadway musical? I don't see YOU making milk EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for some stupid human to sell to Fonterra (they're a co-op by the way, not too many people from other countries know that) to make into coffee enhancers! [grumbles] STEVE: Europa, maybe I could ride a different one? EUROPA: Oh no, that one your on is Pixie Bumblebee Cutie Cute, she's the friendliest one of the lot! She'll look after you. STEVE: But, she's not even moving? Giddyup? EUROPA: She's not a horse Steve. Look, to make her get going, you gotta do this! |
STEVE: But I thought that was how you made them give milk? EUROPA: It is if you're sitting beside them with a bucket, but if you are sitting on their back and do that then it makes them run- I mean walk. STEVE: Are you sure cows like people riding on their backs? EUROPA: As sure as I am that Johnny Depp wants to be my boyfriend. STEVE: But that doesn't sound like something you could be sure about. EUROPA: But I am sure about it, Steve. Are you not sure that I am sure? STEVE: Uhhh.... What exactly does "sure" mean? I have a problem with losing the meaning of a word if I hear it too many times in a short period of time. MONICA: You have a problem all right. Are you comfy? I'll bet this old cow will get moving if I smack its butt. WHAP! STEVE: Aiiieeeeeeee...... MONICA: Wow! I had no idea a cow could run that fast! Will it bring him back? |
EUROPA: Sadly, no. He'll most likely end up in the creek over there. But it's ok, the eels in that one aren't too big, and they only bite if you protest and move and wriggle a lot. Oh, and if you're American... MONICA: REALLY??? EUROPA: No. But that'd be so cool, wouldn't it? MONICA: Yee-e-eah... EUROPA: So, your turn? MONICA: No no, it's alright, honest. EUROPA: Oh, look! He fell off! Lucky him. MONICA: Lucky him? Did you SEE how he fell? EUROPA: Look at it this way, now he doesn't have as far to crawl back. MONICA: Ah... erm... Europa... he's not moving. Did he always have limbs sticking out at THOSE angles? EUROPA: [takes on a Texan accent] I was afraid this would happen... |
STEVE: Wait, cow, wait! PLEASE! COW: Did you just say please? STEVE: Yes I did. Please wait for me. I need a ride back. COW: I can't believe you said please. You should hear how these Kiwis talk to me - very brisk and businesslike. To them I'm just a milk factory. STEVE: I recognize your existential beauty. COW: Oh, well said, my American friend! I'll bet all the cows in America are happy and contented. STEVE: Yes, they are. Well, you know... the ones we haven't eaten yet. COWS: Let's not go THERE. I understand too well the fate of the cow. To humans we are just a walking meal wrapped in enough leather to make a suede jacket, a belt, and 2 pair of boots. STEVE: Not to me! I see your existential beauty. COW: Is that the only line you have? STEVE: No! Of course not! Cows are cool. I love cows. Cows embody the best that nature has to offer! COW: Your clever sloganeering appeals to my vanity. I know I shouldn't fall for your flattery, but I like it. Hop on my back and I'll give you a ride back to our starting point. STEVE: Thanks! You are too kind. Hi, Europa! Hi, Monica! Me and the cow like each other. We're friends now! |
EUROPA: [to Monica] Look at him. Just lying on the ground over there with his broken limbs twitching. MONICA: Yeah... he has a stupid grin on his face too. EUROPA: Wonder what he's thinking about... |
| [...heeheehee...] COW: Moooooooooo STEVE: Huh? What? Where am I? [sits up all groggy and out of it with little stars and birds spinning around his head] COW: Moooooooooooooo |
STEVE: Hey, that "moo" was a little different to the one before it. COW: Ha, yeah, I was impersonating a South Island cow. STEVE: And there's a difference!!!? Aren't all cows just cows? COW: Dude, where have you been? Don't you watch the news? New Zealand research scientists believe that they have evidence that South Island cows moo with a different accent to us North Islanders. STEVE: Now, THAT is just weird! COW: Hey, we're like, THE most important thing to those New Zealanders. What'd you expect? STEVE: True. |
SHEEP: Whoa now, Bud! Back it up! You think COWS are the most important thing to New Zealanders? COW: That's right. You got a problem with that? SHEEP: Polls show that SHEEP are the most important. COW: Polls! What poll? SHEEP: The New Zealand Sheepherding Association poll clearly states that- COW: Stop! Obviously biased! KIWI: What's all the shouting about over here? SHEEP: This stupid cow thinks cows are more important than sheep! KIWI: Non-flying animals are trivial creatures. They will never know the joy of soaring through the sky looking down on the little specks of life that dwell on the ground. COW: What are you talking about? You're a Kiwi. You can't fly. KIWI: *sob* |
CHICKEN: Haha, stupid Kiwi! You can't fly! Even I can do that! [the chicken flaps pathetically, and lifts barely half a metre off the ground, bobbing up and down like a yo-yo and tilting from side to side] CHICKEN: Ohshit. [approaches paddock fence and doesn't clear it] KIWI: Well, that pretty much speaks for itself. CHICKEN: Ouch. |
OSTRICH: Yuk-yuk! I've seen some stupid birds in my life but you two take the cake. CHICKEN: Huh? What cake? KIWI: It's an old American custom of giving a cake as a prize in a contest. CHICKEN: Do Ostriches come from America? OSTRICH: Yuk-yuk! Sure we do. We live there with the elephants and tigers. Yuk-yuk! CHICKEN: You're the stupid bird - not me. KIWI: Hey, where did the cow and sheep go? OSTRICH: What is this? Animal Kingdom? I want to see Crocodile Dundee hunt a crocodile. Eh, mate? Can we see that? Huh? Huh? CHICKEN: Oh what a stupid stupid bird you are. KIWI: I agree. Come on, Chicky, let's go find something to peck at. [Kiwi and Chicken shuffle off. Ostrich watches them leave.] OSTRICH: Nobody likes me. [Sticks his head in the sand] NARRATOR: And so once again sunset falls across the vast deserts of New Zealand. The animals who have been hiding from the heat of the day come out to sing and play and possibly mate if they get lucky. And the animals who lay out in the sun all day crawl painfully back into their burrows looking for some soothing lotion to apply to their burns. Life in New Zealand is complex and wonderful, an interlocking web of symbiotic, parasitic, neurotic, and psychotic relationships - and that's just the insects. The mammals are even more complex and wonderful. Perhaps the most wonderful of all is a young woman who we call "Europa". [Camera zooms in on the window of a house where we see a young woman brushing her hair before a mirror. She turns and looks into the camera.] |
WOMAN: Get out of here you FREAK!!! What do you think you are doing?! NARRATOR: Uh, Europa, you ARE the main star here. We kind of HAVE to film you! WOMAN: I'M not Europa, you idiot! And by the way, not that I like the Aussies and actually want to stick up for them or anything, but Crocodile Dundee was the wrong title to use there, you were actually making fun of Steve Irwin and he's The Crocodile Hunter. Now, shoo!! NARRATOR: Very sorry mam. [The camera zooms back out, moves 50m to the right and zooms in on another window of another house, where a woman is busy dancing spastically with headphones in her ears] EUROPA: [looking up] Oh! There you are! Pfffft, as if I would actually brush my hair! Hahaha, nice one, guys! [Europa runs up to the window and gives the cameraman a high five] So, I'm really quite interested to know... what are you guys actually filming my room for, anyway? |
NARRATOR: Here we are in the room of a typical New Zealand female- EUROPA: I am NOT a "typical New Zealand female"! NARRATOR: -where we can see that New Zealanders are fond of chaos and anarchy- EUROPA: I don't listen to those bands! NARRATOR: -and spastic dancing. EUROPA: Finally you got something right. NARRATOR: I see you have some interesting artifacts on the wall. Would you like to describe them for us? |
EUROPA: Ummmmm.... ok well that one there is the 50% off sign that I stole from the window of a Kleins jewellery store last Christmas.... this over here is my giant Nickelback shrine with according price labels attatched to each member as to how much I like them or not... this one is my photo mozaic thingy which has heaps of photos and pictures on it like the devil flower a friend drew for me... a photo of Ricardo and his friends... a random man with four different wigs... a canary and a sparrow in a cage... heaps of postcards... and this over here is when I was going through my free-spirit gypsy phase and therefore have numerous glass hanging and what-nots.... NARRATOR: What IS she talking about? Um, Europa, thanks. You can stop now. EUROPA: .... |
STEVE: That's alright, narrator. I understand what she's saying. NARRATOR: What are YOU doing here? STEVE: Huh? NARRATOR: I thought we left you out in the pasture with the cows and sheep. STEVE: Hey! I'm one of the major characters! I may not be the "star" like Europa there, but I'm a MAJOR character! And you... you're just some ad hoc spur of the moment NOBODY that was dreamed up to provide a little filler dialogue. NARRATOR: [sputtering] Why you... you little wharf rat! You're spoiling the show! STEVE: Oh, get a life. You're no narrator. You're just a figment of somebody's imagination. You should- MONICA: Steve! [grabs his elbow] Steve... Don't you want something cool to drink? You walked a long way in the sun to get here from that cow pasture. STEVE: Why did you guys LEAVE me out there? MONICA: I don't know. Things happen here. New Zealand is a strange and wonderful place. STEVE: Yeah... I forgot. I guess you're right. I should go with the flow instead of being so reactionary. MONICA: That's better, Steve. Here... drink this. EUROPA: Ahem... Is this show about him or ME? I AM the one who LIVES in New Zealand. NARRATOR: I KNOW! Pushy Americans, who needs them? Tell me more about your room. Is this your diary? EUROPA: Don't open that! NARRATOR: What are all these Spanish entries about? |
EUROPA: Oh... shit. Pablo! Alejandro! Ayudame! Ahora! [Europa snaps her fingers and Alejandro and Pablo burst forwards from her wardrobe] ALEJANDRO: Agh! Your feet stink! PABLO: Don't you ever brush your teeth? Remind me never to hide in Europa's wardrobe with you ever again, compadre! EUROPA: Boys. A & P: Yes, Europa! EUROPA: Deal with him. [points a finger in a very mafia-like way at the NARRATOR] ALEJANDRO: Right away, Europa! [Alejandro and Pablo jump on the NARRATOR and stuff him out the window, slamming it shut] |
STEVE: [whispering] Monica! I think she's in with the Spanish Mafia. MONICA: Don't be silly, Steve. STEVE: You always say that when we are in danger and then one of us gets hurt! Usually me. Didn't you see how they manhandled the narrator. MONICA: I love that word "manhandled". Heehee. It sounds so- STEVE: Monica! We could be in danger! EUROPA: What are you two whispering about? Did you meet Pablo and Alejandro? STEVE: Si! Hola! Buenos dias! ¿Cómo es usted? |
EUROPA: How many times do I have to tell you Steve? Speaking Babel Spanish won't get you anywhere! [Alejandro raises his head] ALEJANDRO: Did you say Babel Spanish, Miss Frost? EUROPA: [looks at Alejandro 'significantly'] Yes. Babel Spanish. [Alejandro narrows his eyes and treads menecingly towards Steve and Monica] |
STEVE: Whoa, big guy! Mi nombre no es señor Trouble! No deseo un problema con usted! ALEJANDRO: Grrrrr! [dons Mexican wrestling mask] STEVE: Aiiieeee! Europa! Do something! Hold back your minions of destruction! |
SHEEP: I thought that now would be an interesting time to make another appearance. You see, THIS lot [gesturing behind him] are just going to be up to the usual human stupidness while trying to resolve an ongoing issue that really is quite unecessary, not to mention unuseful and insignificant to the plot of this terrible tale. Really, HE should just stop using the offending Spanish, and SHE should just let it go. Stupid, pathetic humans. They just don't have a clue do they? And such offensive little blighter, they are. It's us sheep that really know what's what around here. Sometime I curse the fact that WE are the quadrapeds while they are much more flexible and nimble than us. But, then they even manage to ruin that. Have you SEEN how overweight some of them can get? Ugh! It's utterly repulsive. You know what's even worse? Things are in the best state in this country. I mean go anywhere else you'd find sheep, like Norway... Iceland... or even Antarctica, and their human situations are much worse off than here. Yep, sadly, what I have to put up with in New Zealand is definitely the best it gets. Those sheep I mentioned are completely undercover, by the by, so don't get any SMART ideas. You're all the same I say. I can tell what you humans are up to from a MILE away. Well actually, we measure in kilometres here, not miles. So to rephrase that: I can tell what you humans are up to from a KILOMETRE away. Uh-huh.... and don't even get me started on the- EUROPA: Um... is this going to take much longer? [The sheep looks behind him at Europa, her Spanish wardrobe men and a bandaged up Steve and Monica all sitting around with cups of tea and muffins] SHEEP: Oh... you're done, then? EUROPA: Yuh. Like, ages ago. STEVE: Yeah, we've even been through all the pain, suffering, regret and sympathy. We're all one big happy family now. My goodness, you can talk... quadraped. SHEEP: You just watch your back, buddy. |
STEVE: Well, Mr Vertebate, we bipeds are unable to see our backs, unlike you qudrapeds who can see every part of yourselves except your floppy ears. SHEEP: My ears flop? STEVE: Very much so. Haven't you ever noticed how firm and unbending a human's ears are? it's one of our finest features. SHEEP: I'm not really an ear man. Besides, I don't gaze fondly at humans the way they do at sheep. STEVE: I don't gaze "fondly" at sheep and just what the heck is "fondly" supposed to mean? SHEEP: You've never "enjoyed" a sheep? STEVE: What the heck is "enjoyed" supposed to mean? SHEEP: You seem to have a difficulty with words. STEVE: It isn't words I have a difficulty with, it's oddball sheep with weird notions about what people are up to, sheep with an inflated opinion of their own importance. SHEEP: My opinion is NOT inflated, whatever THAT's supposed to mean. EUROPA: Okay! Okay! Break time. Why can't you two just get along peacefully? SHEEP: He made disparaging remarks about my opinion. STEVE: You don't even know what your opinion is you dumb wooly-skinned pasture possum. SHEEP: *gasp!* Did you HEAR what he called me? |
EUROPA: Yup, sure did. [gives SHEEP a high five] SHEEP: You know Europa, of all the humans you probably are my favourite. I mean, I've never met one that's COMPLETELY all there in the head, so it's not like that disadvantages you or anything. I guess, if I was feeling generous, I would even say that you are quite a bit funnier than most... particularly THAT one. [gestures to Steve] STEVE: Hey!!! SHEEP: Over there in the paddocks with the cows. But, like I was saying.... it's humans like you that make things just a little bit more bearable... I mean... you're not entirely stupid.... I guess what I'm trying to say is.... is.... that I, um... that I.... I... STEVE: Oh dear God. SHEEP: What I'm saying is that.... now, don't think I'm going soft or anything but... um... EUROPA: Yes? STEVE: Nooo... don't say it, don't say it. Can't you see Europa? He- SHEEP: Well, I actually - STEVE: -likes you! SHEEP: - quite like you. EUROPA: Oh! STEVE: |
STEVE: Sorry. I was trying to speak but events have made me speechless. SHEEP: Good. Now as I was saying, Europa, I've liked you for a long time and now that you are turning 18 I thought maybe you and I could- EUROPA! Stop! I need to collect my thoughts on this. And you should know that I love my cats. And I'm not sure how they feel about sheep. Any conflict there and my cats would have to take priority. SHEEP: Oh I quite understand how you feel about your cats, but think of them as a substitute for sheep. Now that you know how I feel you don't really need a substitute for me anymore, do you? [big sheepish grin] EUROPA: Again, stop! This is all a little overwhelming to me. I really never thought of you as much more than a picturesque background to my wholesome life in sunshine and greenery. SHEEP: But I could be so much more than that... EUROPA: That's what frightens me. SHEEP: Frighten? What's frightening about a soft plushy little sheep? Feel my wool... EUROPA: I'd rather not. SHEEP: Aw, come on, just grab some of my wool in your fingers and feel how soft and "wooly" it is... |
EUROPA: No, really I can't. There's more to it than you think. SHEEP: But, it's simple. What more could there be? MONICA: Oh... my God... I KNEW it! SHEEP: Knew what? MONICA: She - EUROPA: Shush, Monica!!!! SHEEP: What? Oh... you're already married, aren't you? Oh... I've heard about you secret agents having secret marriages. How COULD you, Europa? EUROPA: No, it's not that. I, um... SHEEP: What? You're... what? MONICA: Oh COME ON Europa. I could see this coming from a mile away... just tell them. EUROPA: [blushes] I can't!!! MONICA: It's a wonder they haven't guessed already, if you ask me. SHEEP: Guessed WHAT?! STEVE: Yeah, what are you talking about? [rolls eyes] What have you done, Europa? EUROPA: I haven't done anything, that's the problem. MONICA: Tell them. EUROPA: No! MONICA: Tell them! EUROPA: Noooooo. MONICA: Tell them, tell them, tell them. EUROPA: No, I can't. No! MONICA: Tell them. EUROPA: No!!! MONICA: Tell them. EUROPA: NO. MONICA: Tell them. EUROPA: NO, Monica. No. MONICA: TELL THEM! EUROPA: OK! Ok. I love YOU Steve. I always have. |
| STEVE: [flabbergasted] I'm flabbergasted! SHEEP: Does that mean you're going to die and I can claim Europa for my own? MONICA: It's not a disease, it's an emotional state. EUROPA: {eyes narrowing] Just what are you saying, Steve? Are you rejecting my love? STEVE: [backing away] No! No! Of course not. I'm... I'm... flabbergasted! EUROPA: Quit saying you're flabbergasted and tell me how you really feel! STEVE: [in a small voice] Trapped? MONICA: Steve! SHEEP: Steve! EUROPA: [eyes narrowed to hard steely glinting slits] I hope I didn't hear what I thought I heard. STEVE: *gulp* I... I.... I wuv you, too. EUROPA: [flaring up into a towering mountain of flame] WUV? WUV? You aren't man enough to tell me you LOVE me? You little mouse! What's this "wuv" crap? STEVE: [trembling] This is really incredibly awkward. You caught me at a weak moment. If I had had time to prepare a proper response it would have been a beautiful expression of my undying love for you. I DO love you, you know. I'm just socially awkward. That's all. Just socially awkward... [head down, dejected... pitiful, even] EUROPA: [softening] Ohhhh... Okay, maybe I over-reacted a bit. I did kind of just spring it on you out of the blue. I should have remembered you have a difficulty handling surprises. I guess that's one of the things I love about you. [smiles] STEVE: And the fact that you could love someone who has a difficulty handling surprises is one of the things that I love about YOU! [smiles] MONICA: [beams] Oh this is becoming such a romantic love story. SHEEP: [smirks] Maybe it will end like Romeo and Juliet. That would be very satisfying to me. |
EUROPA: [wanders on up behind the group] Hey guys! MONICA: [looks up] Oh, hey Europa! [turns back to group] So, Europa, you and Steve, huh? CUUUUUTE!!! EUROPA: Yeah, haha. EUROPA: WHAT!!!!? [the whole groups turns to face Europa] EUROPA: [strides up to Europa] WHAT, are you doing here! EUROPA: You set me here, dumbarse. EUROPA: I did NOT send YOU! I sent 24! EUROPA: I am 24! EUROPA: You are not, your barcode says 63! EUROPA: [hopefully] I like to borrow 63's clothes? STEVE: Um, hate to interrupt, but WHAT'S going on here? You're ruining my big love moment! EUROPA: Who? Me? EUROPA: Or her? STEVE: You! [points to Europa] Wait... you! [points to Europa] SHEEP: Aie aie aie!!! |
MONICA: I think you just traded love chats with one of Europa's clones, Steve. STEVE: Ewwwww! SHEEP: There can never be enough Europas in the world for me. STEVE: Oh quit sucking up. Nobody loves sheep. SHEEP: You're always so harsh with me. EUROPA: Steve, don't talk mean to the sheep. You're in New Zealand now. EUROPA: Am I going to be punished? EUROPA: Don't be silly. That would be like punishing myself. You're going to be recloned. EUROPA: No! Please! Not that! EUROPA: Come with me, my precious. Muahahaha! MONICA: There goes one crazy lady, Steve. STEVE: You can say that again. .... Watch out, I think that sheep is trying to sniff your butt. SHEEP: I AM NOT! |
MONICA: Eeeeeeew, rabies!! SHEEP: Whatever! I'd be more worried about rabies if it was Steve sniffing my butt! MONICA: I don't know if rabies would be the FIRST thing I was worried about if Steve was sniffing my butt! STEVE: Hey! No more sniffing butt talk! That's not very nice. SHEEP: YOU bought it up, ya doof. STEVE: Doof? Doof? Oooooooo, is that some kind of New Zealand slang that's meant to hurt my feelings? Ooooooo, excuse me while I go and pretend to cry in some sort of mock upset sadness. Booo-hooo. The sheep hurt my feelings. Now I can't bear to live. [MONICA and the SHEEP just stare] EUROPA: So, I think it's time we got on with our New Zealand tour, don't you? STEVE: Are you a clone? EUROPA: No. STEVE: [right up in EUROPA'S face, looking suspicious] THAT'S what they ALL say... [EUROPA smacks the back of STEVE'S head and he jumps, whimpering] STEVE: I told you it was her, Monica. EUROPA: Ok! Here's what we're gonna do. Before we go any further I'm going to teach you the New Zealand national anthem. Here. [hands out pieces of paper] These are the lyrics. Now, sing along with me on three. One, two, three! |
STEVE: I already know it! Listen! Oh Zealand, our New Zealand We give our love to thee; We love your grassy greenness From sea to shining sea; Although you are an island We know you're not alone, Because you're not ONE island You also have a clone. There are sheep in the North, There are sheep in the South; Depending on your village There may be sheep in your house; But sheep are the future, Sheep pay for our bread, And think of all the good times That we have in the old wool shed.... Ohhhhh... Zealand, our New Zealand We give our love to |
EUROPA: Actually, you know what? That was pretty good. Monica, are you still taking those copious notes? I want a copy of what Steve just sung to put in the next referendum. MONICA: Yes, Ma'am! STEVE: What? You're not going to hurt me, are you? EUROPA: Why would I do that? STEVE: Because that's your general reaction to pretty much everything I do. EUROPA: Oh, don't be stupid. STEVE: [puppy dog eyes] |
MONICA: But what's the real anthem? And I'm shocked you liked Steve's. EUROPA: But you are going to make a copy of his version for me? MONICA: Yes! I already said I would. EUROPA: Okay, just wanted to be sure. MONICA: [muttering] I'm not a moron. EUROPA: What was that? I didn't hear you. MONICA: Nothing. EUROPA: You said something... SHEEP: She said you're a moron. MONICA: I DID NOT! I said I am not a moron. STEVE: Yeah, I heard her. That sheep's just angry because I caught him trying to sniff Monica's butt. SHEEP: I DO NOT SNIFF BUTTS! I don't know what sheep do in America but in New Zealand we do not sniff butts. EUROPA: Well... remember Albert? SHEEP: Albert had a drinking problem. And he fell on his head when he was a lamb. Not a typical sheep at all. EUROPA: But he did like to sniff butts... SHEEP: Yes! Yes! Okay, ONE SHEEP who likes to sniff butts. I'll give you that. One! Out of how many? A million? MONICA: Can we hear the real New Zealand anthem now? The butt-sniffing thing doesn't bother me. I really don't mind if someone sniffs my butt. |
EUROPA: Well, there's heaps of verses so I'm just going to sing the two that are always sung, ok? MONICA: You only sing two verses of your national anthem? You don't sing the whole thing? What the-? EUROPA: Yeah, I know it's weird, but it's just too long otherwise. Imagine having to sing the whole thing at the Olympics for gold medals! Everyone would fall asleep! STEVE: Ok, so two verses. Let's hear it! EUROPA: [sings absolutely dreafully] God of naaatioooons At thyyyy feeeeet In the bonds of looooove we meeeeet Heeear our vooices weee entreeeeat Gooood defeend ouuur freeeee laaaaaand Guard pacifiiiics's triiiiple staaaaar From the shafts ooof striiife and waaaaar Maaaake heeer praaaaises heeard afaaaaar God defend New Zeeeeeaaalaaand SHEEP: I think Steve's sounded better, actually. |
STEVE: Oh the real one's not so bad. Kinda cool the way they rhymed Zealand with "free land". But it sounds like they are pretty much hoping God will defend them. They must have a very small military. MONICA: I suppose it sounds a lot better when sung by someone who can sing. EUROPA: What's THAT supposed to mean? MONICA: Nothing. STEVE: One point of confusion for me, if you don't mind? EUROPA: Ye-e-e-s? STEVE: What is "Pacific's triple star"? Is that like your nickname for New Zealand or something? |
EUROPA: Ok. [rolls her eyes] There's not really a concrete exact official explanation for "Pacific's triple star". It can have reference to Alpha Centauri in the Southern Hemisphere, but it's widely taken to mean the three parts of New Zealand - the North Island, the South Island and Stewart Island right down the bottom. Capeesh? STEVE: Zoink. EUROPA: Hmm? STEVE: Oh, I thought we were making up words. Were we not doing that? MONICA: NO, Steeeve. Duuuuuh. STEVE: Sorry. EUROPA: So, what next? Oh! I know what we can do! you can all come to University with me for a day! You know, get to see what New Zealand Uni life is like! Plus... I've got an assignment due in... STEVE: Yaaaaaaay! MONICA: What are you yaying for? STEVE: Dunno. |
MONICA: So how do we get there? EUROPA: The same way we've gotten everywhere else. Close your eyes. Keep them closed. Okay, now open them! MONICA: Oh! Is this your uni hostel? Cool! STEVE: Who are all these other people? Your servants? |
EUROPA: No, silly! They're not my servants! They're my housemates! STEVE: What do they do for you? EUROPA: ...Nothing... STEVE: Do they make your breakfast for you? EUROPA: No.... STEVE: Do they clean your room for you? EUROPA: No. STEVE: Do they do your washing for you? EUROPA:...No. STEVE: Do they- MONICA: STEVE! STEVE: What? MONICA: Shutup, Europa is trying to say something. STEVE: Oh, sorry. EUROPA: Thankyou, Monica. MONICA: Welcome. Now, what where you trying to say? EUROPA: STEVE! STEVE: What? EUROPA: Shutup! I'm trying to say something! STEVE: What? EUROPA: I don't know now cause you made me forget. ANYWAY. Let's take the tour. Here's my room, room 31. All the way along here are our bedrooms, there's the rec room... there's the laundry... more bedrooms... the games room... the kitchen... the front lawn... and here's the bus stop. Now, jump on the bus and let's go into uni! |
STEVE: So this is a NZ bus. Isn't that cool, Monica, how the driver has painted naked ladies and sheep on the sides of the bus? MONICA: The gas fumes are kind of strong. EUROPA: This isn't a typical bus.This one is just for Americans. STEVE: Oh. So where are we going? |
EUROPA: We're going to uni! STEVE: I thought that was where we were. EUROPA: NOOOOOOO! I don't live on campus! I live in town, so now we are taking the bus from town out to the campus. STEVE: Are there tents? EUROPA: No. SO, which building would you like to go to first? |
STEVE: I want to see the shower building where all the uni girls take their group showers. EUROPA: There is no such building. STEVE: Are you sure? I've seen a lot of shower scenes in movies. I don't think they're just making all that stuff up. EUROPA: How about the big brick building? Would you like to see that? STEVE: The big brick building? That's what you call it? The big brick building? EUROPA: Well, it's not the little brick building. What did you expect me to call it? STEVE: Doesn't it have a name? |
EUROPA: Well, it really depends on just how BIG we are talking. See, the big brick building is the Social Sciences Tower, but the BIG brick buildings are the Science Towers, and the big-ish brick building is the Humanities building. STEVE: What's that one over there? That glass building. EUROPA: That's the Dining Hall. STEVE: Let's go there!! EUROPA: Well alright.... but, it's your funeral. STEVE: What do you mean by that? EUROPA: The food there is BAD. STEVE: Illegal, then? Wow! This I gotta see!! EUROPA: Nono, not illegal. Just not really representing proper food. So, which of these would you like to try, Steve? |
STEVE: The Science Towers sound like fun. What do you think, Monica? MONICA: Oh, am I still in the conversation? STEVE: If you want to be. Speak up whenever you feel like it. MONICA: Thank you very much, Steve Ellen, for giving me permission to speak. STEVE: Oooo, somebody's in a bad mood. MONICA: Harrumph! STEVE: So, Europa, what about those Science Towers? How tall are they? Has anyone ever jumped to their death from the top? |
EUROPA: They're about 6 stories tall from what I can remember... I dunno, look for yourself. I don't like science and am no good at maths. I avoid the science towers at all costs. STEVE: How do you calculate the costs if you're no good at maths? EUROPA: I use my calculator, duh!! STEVE: But isn't a calculator technically scientific? EUROPA: No, it's scientifically technological. STEVE: But you don't like science. EUROPA: Well done, Steve learnt something today! |
STEVE: Thank you. You're a good teacher. [winks at Europa] EUROPA: Is something wrong with your eye? STEVE: I think something beautiful got into it. EUROPA: What are you talking about? STEVE: You. [smiles, winks again] EUROPA: I think you've got a serious problem with that eye. STEVE: My eyes are filled with the beauty of my teacher. EUROPA: Your mouth is filled with the BS of your words. STEVE: [laughs] And I love your sense of humor. EUROPE: That's not my sense of humor, that's my sense of disgust. Stop winking at me. I'm your tour guide. No hanky panky allowed. MONICA: I had to give him the same lecture on the duties of a personal secretary. EUROPA: Aha! So it's not just me, it's every bimbo you meet that gets you winking, huh? MONICA: Hey! I'm not a bimbo. EUROPA: Sorry, Monica. I didn't mean it that way. I'm just saying he'll wink at any girl whether she's a loser or not. MONICA: Hey! Again... I happen to be very winkable. Better men than Steve have winked at me. EUROPA: You think no one's ever winked at ME before! You wouldn't believe the hunks that have winked at me. MONICA: Right, I probably would not believe it. EUROPA: You little hussy! You've been itching for a fight ever since you got here, haven't you? STEVE: Uh- EUROPA: Shut up, Steve! MONICA: I don't itch for anything. Can I help it if New Zealand is overpopulated with hyper-aggressive, sheep-loving teenage girls? |
EUROPA: [looks at Steve] STEVE: [looks at Europa] EUROPA: Did she just-? STEVE: Yep, she did. She called you a girl. EUROPA: How DARE you!? MONICA: ... what?! STEVE: You called her a girl. MONICA: So what? I hardly think that's anything to- STEVE: You should NEVER call Europa a girl. [Europa stomps off a few meters and gets out her cellphone, talking furiously to someone on the other end] MONICA: But, she IS a girl... STEVE: Oh no. Not a girl. She's an anti-chick. Big time. Big mistake, Monica, biiiiig mistake. Have you not noticed all the black she wears? Have you ever seen her even touching anything pink? MONICA: Well, um... no.... [looks over at Europa who is now pacing and making violent actions with her free hand] STEVE: Oh, you're done for this time. MONICA: You know what? I AM done. I'm sick of this. What a shitty guide you got us Steve. She's nuts. She goes off the rails at the smallest thing. She doesn't even really seem to know much about the country she lives in. I've had to put up with you two consistently siding against me and I've just stood there quietly not saying a thing for ages on end while you two forget all about me and totally block me out. [Steve nods in a Dr. Phil-like way] MONICA: And what was with her Spanish slaves anyway? What was WITH that, Steve? Have you not noticed this whole place is unstable and insane? We should never have come!!! There was a friggin talking sheep, for God's sake! A sheep! So you know what Steve? You're completely, totally right. I AM done. You can take the rest of this STUPID holiday by yourself. [Monica storms off up the road just as Europa is finishing her call] EUROPA: Yep, I'm better now. So you'll have it taken care of? Ok. Thankyou. Bye. [The university security van pulls up alongside Monica and two men get out, haul her into the back and drive off] EUROPA: There, all sorted! [smiles at Steve] STEVE. That. Was. SO COOL! |
EUROPA: [smiling] Aw, it was nothing. Just a little of our "New Zealand style" justice at work. She was obnoxious, wasn't she? STEVE: Well, I don't like to bad mouth anyone when they aren't around to defend themselves. EUROPA: Oh, c'mon, Steve! Loosen up! Let go! This is New Zealand! You can bad mouth all you want! C'mon! Say something mean about somebody. I want to hear it. STEVE: Um... that's just not me. I wouldn't know what to- EUROPA: Oh stop being so wishy-washy! You've got opinions, don't you? Are you telling me nobody makes you angry? [pokes finger in Steve's belly] STEVE: Oof! No, not really, I think- EUROPA: Steve! [pokes Steve's belly again] There must be something that ticks you off? [poke] STEVE: Oof! No, I just- Oof! Can you stop- Oof! Hey, what's with all the -oof!- poking? |
EUROPA: [pokes] Would you please just have a reaction of some sort? You're not natural. STEVE: Europa, I'm just not that kind of- EUROPA: [pokes] Whatever Steve. You SO are. Don't tell me you actually like this? STEVE: [smiles] EUROPA: [stops poking] Oh YUCK, Steve! That's DISGUSTING!!!! STEVE: You started it. EUROPA: [wipes her hands on the grass] Ewewewewewew!!! SHEEP: Yes? EUROPA: Huh? Oh, nothing. I said "ew", not "ewe". SHEEP: Oh, okay. Haha, have you read the latest version of Chaff? Hilarious. Unintelligent, but hilarious. STEVE: What's Chaff? It sounds uncomfortable? EUROPA: That's our weekly uni newspaper. It's sole purpose is pretty much to make fun of anything and everything. It's really quite funny and the main writers are very opinionated... I wouldn't be surprised if many people hate them. SHEEP: Haha, look at this competition. You cut out this paper mask of the MUSA President and put it on your face, then send in photos of you wearing his face doing random things! EUROPA: Let's see! OH MY GOODNESS look at this one! Some random guy standing by the duck pond with a sack over his shoulder that says "puppies"! Uh-oh - he's gonna have all the vet students onto him for that, haha! SHEEP: Well I didn't really think that one was funny. Humans are disgraceful to animals. The sack should say "babies". Yup. |
STEVE: Or "kittens". That's one we could all agree on. EUROPA: WHAT!!! NO! Definitely not kittens. How about... rats? I think we can all agree dunking a sack of rats in the pond would be a good thing. [Steve and Sheep look thoughtful, or try to look thoughtful] STEVE: Yeah, okay, rats then. SHEEP: Right. Rats it is. Where do we get a sack? STEVE: And the rats. We'll need lots of rats to fill up the bag. EUROPA: I'll wear the funny face and hold the sack. SHEEP: You always get to be the star. Why am I always stuck in a supporting role? EUROPA: Uhhh... four legs? No facial expression except: "Hey, man, where's the grass?" SHEEP: Hmph! STEVE: I'm the camera man. EUROPA: [pokes Steve affectionately in the belly] Yes you are. You're the camera man. STEVE: [giggles] |
EUROPA: Stop that, Steve!!! STEVE: Heehee, it's just so funny. SHEEP: [rolls eyes] STEVE: Woah, I didn't know sheep could do that! EUROPA: [rolls eyes] Ok then camera man, do your thing. Direct us. Tell us where you want us to stand! |
STEVE: [voice like honey] I want you standing as close to me as possible. EUROPA: [slaps Steve's face] Stop that, you beastly cad! I'm a nice girl. STEVE: [rubbing chin] I love a girl with a spunky spirit. EUROPA: I've got a spunky fist, too, and it has your name on it. STEVE: Really? Let me see... [leans toward fist} EUROPA: [pops Steve in face - POW!] STEVE: Ow! It didn't have my name on it. Now my nobe ib bleeding. SHEEP: Tilt your head back! Tilt your head back! And for God's sake don't drip on my snow-white fleece! [fluffs himself (censor motions frantically from the wings: Stop that!)] STEVE: Okay, my nose is better. All good now. Kiss and make it well? EUROPA: Stomp and make it hell. STEVE: Okay, nevermind, then. What are we doing? Oh yeah, we're filming scenes of our imaginary play to be in a documentary about people who make documentaries about the behind the scenes actions of amateur filmmakers who film "How I Made My Movie" type movies at the same time they are making their movies... Everybody clear? Okay... scene 1, take 1... Action! ... Europa! Action! |
EUROPA: [puts on a smile and speaks directly to the camera] Hello and WELCOME to "A Holiday In New Zealand - The Making Of". Today we are going to show you a bit behind the scenes of the film and you will get to experience first hand all the effort, hard work, trials and tribulations that go hand in hand with the production of this venture. Today we're going to have a bit of a chat with the mastermind behind the whole idea. [cuts to medium close up of SHEEP] SHEEP: Yeah, well. It was just a dumb idea really. [to someone off screen] Huh? No, no, NO! I said a mocchachino and caviar! And NOT the one with peppercorns this time. Blyack!! [hair and makeup artists swarm in and begin to set his wool in curlers] [cuts back to Europa who is now walking placidly next to a pond with lots of green trees] EUROPA: One of the biggest problems we have faced to date was casting issues. It was actually really quite difficult finding the right guy to play the missing main character, Steve. It was an absolute must that he be a total personality clash with me, and not know a thing about New Zealand. We were looking for someone who excelled in stupidity and slapstick, but it had to be natural, not constructed. But, we think we found the right guy. [Europa reaches forwards and turns the camera around to film Steve.] |
STEVE: [fake smile] Hi! Yes, I am THE Steve Ellen and you are probably wondering what a big star like me is doing in a little movie like this. Aren't you? Why not? You should be wondering. Do you think my career is over? That I'm a washed-up has been that can only get a job working in a student film in New Zealand? Shame on you! What kind of unloyal fan are you? Are you only watching this movie to mock me? To laugh at my fall from grace, my total humiliation? EUROPA: [turning camera back to herself] Although he obviously has issues (and who doesn't?) we have high hopes for our guest star. SHEEP: But I'm the REAL star, right? EUROPA: [pinching sheep's cheek} Yes you are! You're the REAL star! SHEEP: [grinning] I just wanted to be sure. And I'll have more scenes than Steve, right? EUROPA: Who's counting? SHEEP: Me. The star should have the most scenes. That's the way it is in movies. STEVE: What would you know about movies? You're a sheep! All you know is: "Baa baa, black sheep, have you any wool?" and "I'm sorry, Miss Mary, I didn't means to follow you to school today." SHEEP: Those were big hits! Megamovies! STEVE: Maybe in New Zealand where they put up a screen on the beach and the villagers gather around to watch... SHEEP: *gasp* That is so NOT true! Europa! I absolutely can NOT work with this man! He is a complete utter fool! I DEMAND that you replace him! |
EUROPA: You're right. We need a better Steve. Lucky it's a common name with many variations. As long as it's an American Steve, and Steve will do. STEPHEN KING: Hi, I'm Steve. EUROPA: OH. MY. GOD. I only, like, LOVE YOU. STEPHEN KING: Um... wha? EUROPA: OhmigoshIsaidthatoutlouddidn'IohSHIT!!! SHEEP: Uh, Mr. King, so erm, why aren't you in America writing your horror novels? STEPHEN KING: Well firstly, please just call me Steve from now on. I came to New Zealand to meet my favourite filmmaker, Europa Frost. EUROPA: [blushing] OH. MY. GOD. STEVE: [to Sheep] Um, is she ok? EUROPA: Wow, you're good! It's like you already ARE Steve! |
STEVE: He's not really me, you know. STEVE: What? Who are you? STEVE: I am the REAL Steve. You're a Stephen. You have no right to put "Steve" on your stationary. STEPHEN KING: Oh. Sorry. I didn't know there were so many Steves in New Zealand. STEVE: It's crawling with them, dude. And get this. All the Americans who come here are named Steve or Stephen or Steven. STEPHEN KING: That is so weird. I think I feel the idea for a new novel germinating in my brain. STEVE: Cool! Something like The Steving? STEPHEN KING: Awesome title, dude! STEVE: I know! I'm great at titles. It's the rest of the book I have difficulty with. STEPHEN KING: Oh, you shouldn't worry about the rest of the book. Just grind out pages and pages of garbage with some scary stuff at the end. My readers just want a big book to carry around so people will think they read serious stuff. SHEEP: Ahem... STEPHEN KING: Yes? SHEEP: May I have your autograph? It's not for me, it's for Europa. STEVE: Hey, what happened to Europa? SHEEP: She swooned. STEVE: Swooned? SHEEP: Fainted. Passed out. Whatever you want to call it. Didn't you know Stephen King was her secret fantasy lover? STEVE: Omigod! No! I didn't know that! That is so creepy that a young girl would love a married, middle-aged horror writer. STEPHEN KING: No it isn't. It happens all the time. Why do you think I do all these book tours. *wink* STEVE: Ewwwww! I am so disgusted! |
| SHEEP: Man, I could do with a Pina Colada right now. STEVE: What? What time do you New Zealander's normally start drinking? Is 9:35am acceptable for that kind of thing? SHEEP: I just had the thought in my head ok? I wasn't actually going to drink one RIGHT NOW! Sheesh. Humans are so stupid and close-minded. Tunnel vision, I tell you. STEPHEN KING: So anyway, I really need to head off to my next location for my next book signing. Please tell Europa that it was nice to meet her, when she's finished lying in the mud... or whatever that is that she's doing right now. STEVE: Shall we let her know where she can find you when she wakes up? STEPHEN KING: Uh... surrre... I'm heading to a place called, um.... Why.. kick a... moo... cow? Why Kick A Moo Cow. Yeah, that's it. Ok! Bye! [helicopter drops down from the sky, scoops Stephen King up and flies away] SHEEP: Hey, Steve. Europa's waking up. STEVE: Well isn't that ironic timing? EUROPA: OH MY GOD. Where'd Stephen go??!! STEVE: Uh Europa... I'm sorry... I don't think he wants you to find him... EUROPA: What? Of course he does! Where'd he go? STEVE: Europa, he gave us a phony place name to tell you... SHEEP: [grins] Yeah, he's gone to "Why Kick A Moo Cow." Cause that's so NOT a wellknown place here, huh Europa? [grumbles] Stupid American... EUROPA: He's gone to Waikikamukau? Ok then! Let's go!! [runs off down the road very enthusiastically] |
STEVE: She runs so enthusiastically. SHEEP: Yes, she does. It's a shame she has no sense of direction. Always in circles. She'll be back. An hour later.... EUROPA: Puff, puff... Gasp... I am so tired and out of breath... Heyyyy, what are you guys doing here? STEVE: You ran in a circle. You're back where you started from. EUROPA: Oh Great Aunt Jemima's jandals! Suffering succotash! I sure wish I had a sense of direction! STEVE: Why don't you carry a compass with you? EUROPA: One of those North-South thingies? I don't understand that stuff. North Island and South Island, that's all I know. I don't need a compass to tell me which one I am on. SHEEP: Take me with you, Europa, and I'll show you the way to go. STEVE: Why are you always trying to go somewhere with me? SHEEP: *face turns red* Uhhh, no special reason. STEVE: He loves you. SHEEP: No I don't! I'm just helpful. |
| EUROPA: OH EM GEE weird feeling! I felt like I was Steve for a second there! SHEEP: Yeah I noticed that too! EUROPA: Oh well. ANYWAY. I just remembered guys, that I have to go to work very soon. Sorry! Will you guys be ok without me? STEVE: What, I have to stay with the sheep, ALONE?! EUROPA: You'll be fine. STEVE: Wait... aren't you already at work? You're a New Zealand tour guide, aren't you? EUROPA: Well, yeah.... but... SHEEP: Shush, Europa... you don't have to tell him. STEVE: Tell me what? EUROPA: ...nothing, Steve. STEVE: WHAT??! EUROPA: Well... it's just that... I don't really get paid for this job. STEVE: WHAT? SHEEP: You've already said that three times now, Steve. EUROPA: They're not going to pay me until I get over a 3 1/2 star rating on the feedback forms from customers. I was really close last time. I got 3 stars. STEVE: That's ridiculous, not paying you for a 3 star rating. That's over half way! SHEEP: It's out of 10. STEVE: Oh. EUROPA: So I need to have a part time job. It's just temporary. Anyway, gotta go - I'll be back after 10 tonight ok? You too behave yourselves while I'm gone! [runs off down the road less enthusiastically] |
STEVE: There goes one great tour guide. SHEEP: Are you being ironic? STEVE: No. I'm going to give her a 10 on the rating feedback form. SHEEP: She won't sleep with you. STEVE: Hey! Stop that! There's no strings attached. I really believe she is a wonderful tour guide. I've learned more about New Zealand in the last week than I did in my entire life before that. SHEEP: But you weren't in New Zealand then. There was no reason to learn anything. STEVE: Pshaw! I can see why she doesn't like you. You always look at the negative instead of the positive. SHEEP: [grumbling] She likes me... STEVE: One thing I kind of don't like about her tourguiding is the way she left me all alone here until 10 tonight. I don't even know where I am. SHEEP: It's a pasture. STEVE: Yes, I see all the grass and rolling hills and distant mountains but since I'm a human and not a sheep it's not enough for me to just know that I am "in a pasture". That isn't my idea of knowing where you are. SHEEP: I can see why Europa doesn't like you. STEVE: [grumbling] She likes me... |
| SHEEP: Sit down, we're gonna have a bit of a wait. I'll tell you some cool things about New Zealand. What do you want to know? STEVE: Where are all the flax huts? SHEEP: Next question. STEVE: Can you remember what it was like to have no running water? SHEEP: Next question. STEVE: When is Europa coming back? SHEEP: Ok so, did you know...that in New Zealand, we like ninjas? STEVE: You do? Are there lots of them here? SHEEP: Lately, they seem to be everywhere, but it's actually impossible to count them, because they're ninjas. STEVE: [waves his arms around all ninja-like] SHEEP: If you really want to fit in here, then you gotta start using the word 'ninja'd' in your daily discourse. For example, if someone comes up to you and asks, "Can I use your sellotape?", and you didn't know where it was or just didn't want them to use it, you'd say, "Sorry, no, someone ninja'd my tape." Now you see if you can do one. |
STEVE: OK. I was having a really good tour but then someone ninja'd my tourguide. SHEEP: Not bad. STEVE: Thank you. Someone ninja'd my inhibitions so I was able to be more creative. Fortunately, nobody ninja'd my laptop so I was able to write it down. SHEEP: Don't overdo it. STEVE: Looks like somebody ninja'd your sense of humor. SHEEP: That's the trouble with you Americans. When you find something that would be good in moderation, you then take it to excess and spoil it. STEVE: And what's the trouble with you New Zealanders? SHEEP: We have no troubles. STEVE: Did somebody ninja them? |
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