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Who are they? Where are they? |
| [Introduction]
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** A group of people find themselves in a strange land, but even stranger - they have no memory of who they are or why they are there.. |
| A voice calls out from beyond from nowhere and replies."Who Are You?"..."You are Who you are"! Steve looks around him frantically and more confused then ever. |
Then Steve sees Ann and says, "Hey, I know you? You're the famous Ann Bebott. And I thought I couldn't remember anything! Do you know who I am?" Ann is surprised. "My name is Ann? Oh thank you for telling me. I couldn't remember! Your name is Steve, but that's about all I know." Steve frowns. "Steve? Hmmm... I guess that sounds okay... Yes, I remember your name, but that's all I know about you. I wonder where we are?" |
| Ann looks around a bit paranoid..Slighted.. You just got here?she asked Steve..He replies "Yes!"And as a matter of fact he adds "Do you know where this is?" No not really..I have been here for awhile..laughs at the thought with uncertainty, but I guess you probably already knew that, considering I forgot my own name. So Steve where are you from? Do you always drop into places unexpectedly? Steve is slightly awashed by anns casualness toward this odd situation. He looks at her suspiciously?Then rolls his eyes as if he is not certain what demension of sanity he is in or engaging with ann. Ann breaks the ice. It will bwe okay..I don't understand it all myself..How did you get here? |
I don't know! I just woke up here! And I don't know where "here" is! It's very mysterious. And yet YOU seem to know something about it. I hope you are going to tell me a few things. Like, for instance, what are all those eyes staring at us? Ann frowns. "Eyes? What eyes?" Steve points into space and waves his arm in a huge circle. "Eyes! Everywhere there are eyes looking at us!" |
| Wait!"Shhh"..Looks around..No. "What "No"?Says Steve nervously,but trying to keep his sense of humor..The whole situation was rattling his nerves but yet he seemed captivated. The strange surroundings looked familiar but yet was enchanting.He felt intoxicated every time he gazed around though now overcome by nervous fear he was afraid. Giggle.."Ha ha ha"Ann laughs. Steve even more confused now asks her why she was laughing. I am used to it here ..For a second she had forgotton just how long she had been here. "Don't worry about those".. Though Steve was not sure to believe her,she had this distant uncertain look deep beneath her gleaming blue eyes. He just stared at her for a moment untill he noticed he was making her nervous too. Then he looked away...waiting for a reply. Ann continued to stare up into the green and purple sky.. Steve followed her eyes ..and as he looked up,was awestricken,scared he had not bothered to even notice the sky of the strange place he was in. Still those eyes were peering from around,they appeared to be able to look into his soul he felt them then he looked down. I am sorry..Ann noticed his discomfort and finally she continued. "Why are..you Sorry"Steve immediately replied. Ann ignored the question and continued. Steve was a man,the type of man who seemed to understand that Ann had no real idea where in fact she was,he could tell and he did not know where he was either,inspite his confusion she still knew more than he ,he reasoned... even though her apology seemed a little suspicious. "Those are the spirits of this place"Ann finally said.. Before Steve could answer she added.. "I don't know what they really are"I just know to ignore them"They have not bothered me since I have been here...Ann looks down at her feet.. "Would you like me to show you something"? Ann added... I am not sure..Steve still entranced .... |
Steve wondered why Ann would want to show him her feet. He could already see most of her feet because she was wearing sandals. All her toes were showing. Maybe she had a tattoo on the part of her foot that was covered by the sandal strap. Steve wondered what the tattoo could possibly be. Would it help them escape from this place? Maybe it was a phone number. Steve looked around but there were no payphones in sight. He looked at Ann. "Do you have a cell phone?" Ann looked surprised. "A cell phone? Who do you want to call?" Steve thought. "Yeah, that could be a problem since I don't remember anything. I just thouight maybe you had a telephone number tattooed on your foot." |
| "Where did you say you were from again??" "Are you okay?" Steve squats down towards her foot,certain Ann will reveal the mysteries of the presense upon her toe. "What the"?^%#@# are you doing?she exclaims.. And yells"If I had a cell phone.."Do you think I would be here"?... Ann withdraws again...thinking..Her thoughts are clouded. "Besides whats a cell phone anyway"?she says.. As if to remember something very very important Ann exclaims..."Thats no tattoo!I don't do tattoos" I am sure they are nice and everything ...then she stops as if trying to remember civilization as she once new it.. Ann looks down at Steve who is still eyeing her covered toe with much enthusiasm.. He reaches toward her foot.. "Hey stop it"!She says.. "Thats a leaf stuck on my toe"! Ann bends down retrieving the small leaf off her toe.."See"!She exclaims!"No tattoo". "Where did you say you were from again"? Ann sighs in dilemna.. Then suddenly she screams in exitement and glee as she starts running..Shes yelling back at Steve. "Look !Look" the rations are coming....... Ann is way ahead of Steve he sees a redish orb glowing beyond the trees and the strange women Ann is running toward it! |
Food! Suddenly Steve realizes what the gnawing sensation in his belly is. Hunger! He remembers food, the sheer joy of it -- steaks and fries and milkshakes and roast chickens and pancakes and... He stops thinking and starts running towards the red glowing orb and the strange women. Ann has gotten there before him. There are tables set up, and chairs, but where is the food? Off to one side there is a little three-piece band playing and Steve suddenly remembers music. The band has two guitar players and a bass and they are singing a song in a language that Steve doesn't know. Spanish? But there are so many languages that Steve doesn't know. How to decide which one it might be? Steve turns to Ann. Her eyes are sparkling. "Ann! Ann! Where is the food?" |
| Just then the table disappears.."poof"! Then the chairs..Steve falls on his behind.. What?What?What..was that!Steve cries in disapointment! Ann looks at him angrily..She had never bothered to sit down to begin with..She figured this would happen. "See"Now look what you have done"! What?Haa?Whoa!..??"What I have done"?Steve exclaims in shock as he looks up at Ann. I dont even know what just happened.. "There was music a little band and ,and food"!Steve cries "For crying out loud!I saw it !It was here"! "I don't know what your talking about"?Ann replies. "Yes you do"!Steve retorts you,why you just ran here I followed you! "The orb the glowing red orb!Where?What is it? Shhh..Ann replies.."They will hear!They will know.They will see"! Steve begins to duck his head while looking around him frantically,bobbing it around ..it is clear he is paranoid..Ann scolds him again. Shhh she reminds him.."They see!They hear!They know all"..She whispers. "Who"?....Ann squats down and whispers in Steves ear..Them..she whispers.. Suddenly Ann darts off into the thick patch of trees..Steve watches her run off confused.. not even sure if those were trees she had just ran into. "Hey wait"!He shouts at her..Suddenly the ground starts to shake a little...Steve did not pay attention ..He yelled out to her again"Hey wait for me"!The ground began to shake harder,this time Steve noticed..Suddenly it dawned on him.. He mumbles to himself "they see ..they hear"?? Steve decided to test his intuition... Suddenly he yelled again even louder than before.."Hellooo"!...abruptly he stopped as the ground began to rumble again and as he did the surge of rumbling had ceased.... Steve sat there bewildered.."Where am I"..he whispered to himself..and"God"I am so hungry,he followed.. |
Should he follow Ann into the trees? If they were trees? He looked around at the empty plains. Nothing to see but a ring of distant mountains and the clump of trees. And yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched. Even Ann felt it. "They see! They hear! They know all!" Her words had chilled him. Suddenly he noticed something on the ground. A sombrero! So the three-piece band had actually been here! A Mexican Mariachi band. Maybe he wasn't as crazy as he feared. Steve put on the sombrero and headed for the trees. As he suspected, the trees turned out to be something else. What that was he wasn't sure. Giant green feathers? They had a branched shape like trees, but they were flat like stage scenery. He pushed at one and it fell over slowly until it was lying flat on the ground. A flash of color at the edge of his vision turned his head. Ann! There she goes. He went running after her. She seemed to be the only key to escaping this strange place. |
| Steve follows the path he believes Ann took. He runs toward the trees..stops and looks around."Where did she go"?he mumbles to himself. Suddenly Steve notices smoke rising from behind the mountains. She must be there he says to himself as hes runs past the trees.He stops and looks up toward the mountain."How did she get up there"? |
Steve ponders the long climb up the side of the mountain. How did Ann do it? Then a shadow crosses his path and he looks up to see a big red balloon come drifting down. There is a basket hanging from it. In the basket is a little old man who is a mass of wrinkles. It looks like he was once bigger and then shrunk but his skin stayed the same size. He just has too much skin. "Hey, gawker!" says the little old man. "Stop obsessing about my skin and grab this rope!" Steve ties the balloon to a feather tree and the little old man hops out."I'm Beauregard Belfry the Ballooner, son. I just took your friend to the top of Mystery Mountain." "Mystery Mountain. That sounds so... mysterious." "It is mysterious, son. It's a mystery why anyone would want to go up there. But she did. So now do you want to go up there or don't you? I've got a busy schedule, son. Don't dawdle. Make up your mind." "Yes! I'll go." |
| Steve began to climb aboard the strange craft.. It was no ordinary balloon it appeared flimsy. Steve paused for a moment.."Is it safe"he asked. The odd Mr.Belfry was adjusting some ropes as he looked behind him."Is it safe you say"? He stopped ."Now look here son I have been floating among the skies and up Mystery Mountain for years.(Steve had no doubt about that) "Son"He continued.."Now would I come down here and ask you if you need assistence if it were dangerous"?Steve looked a little guilty but the odd wrinkly man had broke the tension by continuing to adjust the ropes. Steve wanted to ask him a question,but felt that he had intruded enough..but it just popped out of right out of his mouth. "Excuse me Mr...uh Mr".The old man cut in.. "Mr Beauregard Belfry"Been that name all my life son,for 100 oh I say yrs or more aint got no plans to be changing it any time soon son". "Your friend?She is quite a lovely little lady cept she has patience ..unlike you". "So are you getting aboard or not" "But how did you know"Steve started to say... but stopped.He got inside the craft.. The strange old fellow blew a loud horn and shouted"All aboard"!Steve had to cover his ears.. "What was that ...(for)he began to say again but decided not to bother.. The balloon bagan to rise as the old man pulled on the air valve rope..the balloon ascended higher and higher up the side of the mountain and into the air. |
When the balloon reached the top of the mountain, Beauregard Belfry the Balooner said, "Here you are, son - safe and sound. Everybody off!" Steve looked around, but he was the only one in the balloon, so, shrugging his shoulders, he stepped out of the basket onto the bare rock of the mountaintop. A cold wind was blowing, but the view was magnificent. To the east, miles and miles of endless plains and to the west - more mountains. But where was Ann? There was a strange building nearby. It was made of white marble and was round in shape with a ring of tall columns surrounding it. An ancient Greek temple? Steve had suddenly remembered ancient Greece, Socrates, Plato, Athens, Sparta, and several miscellaneous details about same from history class. They made Socrates drink hemlock, didn't they? Steve had drawn a moral from that. It can be dangerous to be a smart ass. Steve approached the gleaming white columns of the building, hollering "Ann! Ann! Where are you, Ann?" |
| But there was no answer. The only sound was the wind. Steve turned to ask the balloon man a question... but the balloon was just a speck floating away across the plains. Nothing left to do but look inside the temple... His footsteps echoed on the marble floors. There were seven statues of animal-headed people arranged in a circle. What strange rites were enacted here? And where was Ann? Steve stopped before the statue of a woman with the head of a raven. In her right hand she held a wand. An odd feeling gripped Steve - as though the statue wished to come alive and speak to him. |
| The statues eyes began to glow, and a yellow beam of light shot forth from each of its carved marble orbs. The beams joined in the middle, pointing downward at a bright patch of sunlight on the floor. Steve watched with horrified fascination as a mound appeared at the base of the beam, growing to a humanoid form. As suddenly as it appeared, the beam retracted into the statue and the raven head once again stared blankly across the room. Steve looked again at the mound the light beam had created. It moved. A short, middle-aged woman with a few extra pounds stood up, unsteadily, and dusted herself off. She adjusted her glasses and re-did her scrunchie. It had fallen halfway down her brownish grey ponytail. Blinking her eyes in confusion, she looked at the man standing there, with his mouth hanging open. “What’s the matter with you , Bub, you look like you’ve never seen a large statue spit out a human!” the woman put her hands on her hips and looked at Steve, tapping her foot impatiently. “Uh… No, I haven’t.” stammered Steve. “I hate to use idioms; but get with the program, dude, that kind of thing happens all the time around here.” “But where, exactly, is here?” he questioned. “What? What do you mean, where is here? Next thing you’ll ask me is who’s on first!” Steve looked at this unusual woman and blinked his eyes. He was at a loss for words. “Allow me to introduce myself!” said the woman. “My name is…um…Rave, something… er… OH HELL, I FORGOT!” she began to sob uncontrollably, and Steve put his arm around her to comfort her. |
"That's alright," Steve said. "I don't remember much either. Forgetfullness seems to be a property of this place." "I remember! Ravenwand!" Steve drew back. "Ravenwand?" "My name! My name is Ravenwand and I'm a... I don't know what I am!" "Okay, calm down. You'll get used to it. Feeling better now?" *sob* "I guess so." "We better go look for Ann." Ravenwand wiped away a tear. "Ann? Who's Ann?" "Another amnesiac like us, but I think she must know a way out of here because I followed her up here and now she is gone." Ravenwand took a deep breath. "Let's look around. Maybe she's in the backroom of the temple..." |
| As they were heading to the back of the temple, Ravenwand looked at Steve. “You know, you look like I know you!” she blurted. “Oooookay… How can someone look like you know them?” Steve smirked. “I haven’t a clue, really, I just get this feeling like I know you from somewhere, or something. Me, I’ve lived on this strange statue spitting place for as long as I can remember. Which isn’t very far back. But that’s beside the point. Would you like a stick of gum?” Ravenwand pulled out a package of Juicy Fruit and offered it to Steve. “Don’t mind if I do. Say that’s a nice pair of glasses you have there, mind if I try them on? They would go well with my tuxedo, which is still at the cleaners. Man, I am hungry. I wonder where the heck Ann disappeared!” They stared at each other, and Ravenwand clamped her hand over her mouth. “Do you think this strange amnesia is causing us to have short attention spans….” Ravenwand’s eyes glazed over as she visually tracked the pattern of a speck of dust in a sunbeam. Steve didn’t hear her. He was too busy picking up shiny things off a large ornate table. He tugged at an orange-sized piece of crystal formation, and the floor began to shake. The tiles separated in the ornately patterned floor, pulling to the side just wide enough to let Steve and Ravenwand tumble through. Then the tiles neatly knitted themselves together, leaving no trace of the former fissure. |
Down, down, down they tumbled, sometimes screaming, sometimes laughing, as their mood changed, which was often because of their very short attention spans. They landed on a giant pillow conveniently placed where people falling through the floor would land. Steve got up dusted himself off, an action he had always seen done in the movies, although why people would care whether they were dusty or not after a traumatic fall he had no idea. "Are you okay?" he asked Ravenwand and she got up and dusted herself off as well. Apparently they had both watched many of the same movies. "Well, we have that in common," said Steve. The remark was met by a blank stare from Ravenwand who was naturally not privy to Steve's thoughts. "Yes," she said, having no idea what she was agreeing with, but she had always felt it was a good thing to have something in common and apparently she and Steve did. Steve looked around the big underground room where torches on the walls cast a weird flickering light. "Uh oh!" he muttered. "What?" whispered Ravenwand. "Bones." Steve kicked at some white objects on the stone floor. "Lots of bones. And I think they are human." |
| “HUMAN BONES? AIEEEEEEEEEE!” Ravenwand screamed hysterically, and she did that horrified little dance trying to get away from the bones, but since they were covering the floor, it wasn’t an easy task. She waded through the sea of bones, half crying, half laughing, half retching (which made a truly unique sound) And climbed on top of a small, concave table in the middle of the room. She was still screaming and retching when Steve waded over to her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her out of her hysteria. “Whew, thanks, I was getting a little carried away.” she wiped her eyes and dusted the bone dust off her blue jeans. “Man, we sure do a lot of dusting off, it’s almost like a tic. Do you think this strange place causes us to be anal-retentive, as well as having short attention spans? Oh look, a switch!” “DON’T TOUCH THAT SWITCH, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT GOES TO!” Ravenwand screamed. “WELL, YOU’RE ENDING A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION, YA NINNY!” Steve screamed back, spittle flying from his mouth. “Say it, don’t spray it! AAAUUUGGGHHHH! There I go with those bleepity bleep idioms. What’s wrong with me?” “Not a thing, at least you startled me out of pushing that switch.” “What switch?” Ravenwand questioned, wiping Steve’s spittle casually from her face. “You know, THIS one, DUH!” Steve ended his admonishment with a dramatic sweep of his arms and accidentally toggled the switch. He looked at Ravenwand, horrified. “Uh-Oh.” He said. “No sh*t, Sherlock!” she sarcastically replied, inwardly cringing that she used another idiom. |
From under the floor came a deep rumbling noise. Steve frantically worked the switch back and forth, but the rumbling grew in intensity. The floor begin to tremble and bits of masonry fell from the ceiling. Steve's eyebrows climbed to the top of his forehead. "I think I did a booboo." |
| "In my pants..." Steve's voice trailed off in shame. "Yeah, and it is running into that little hole in the middle of that concave table!" Ravenwand watched in horror as the room dissolved around them, leaving nothing but Steve on the table, herself and a small edge of flooring. Resisting the urge to dust herself off, Ravenwand attempted to remove steve from his platform, but he was stuck. It seemed some strong force was holding him. Just then, they heard a loud ripping sound. In two seconds flat, a strong vaccum had torn Steves shirt and pants from his body, and sucked them into the little hole in the middle. "Do you think this is some sort of a weird sacrifice throne?" Ravenwand whispered, then added "What weekday is Christmas this year?" "I just had my clothes ripped from my body, and you are asking about Christmas? Steve yelled. "Dang, it's cold in here, have you seen my checkbook?" Steve shivered on the sacrificial altar, wearing nothing but his underpants, and a worried expression. |
From the ceiling descended a large contraption resembling a big pipe out of the end of which something shot with a blur. Steve yelped as a suit of clothes wrapped themselves around his body. "Hey! It's my tuxedo! Back from the cleaners and looking better than new!" The giant pipe had squirted a tuxedo onto Steve and he was now handsomely attired. Steve looked askance at Ravenwand. "Are you going to wear that old thing?" Ravenwand looked down at her burlap robe with the rope tied around the waist. Steve shook his head side-to-side. "Tsk-tsk! I don't see how you can go to the ball dressed like that." He looked up at the giant pipe-like machine. "Hey, you up there! Have you got anybody dressed for the ball? Squirt them on down!" |
| "Hi, nice to meet you I'm um...I'm er...I'm um....well actually pretty tired." Alex said shaking Steve by the hand. |
Steve grinned. "Are you Cinderella?" "No, I'm Alex, and I'm pretty tired." "Why are you so tired?" "No. I am pretty when I am tired! So when I am going out, like to the ball, then I stay awake for several days. The more tired I am, the prettier I get." Alex smiled a fetching smile, her eyes sparkling and bright despite the dark bags under them. Steve scratched his chin. "You look tired, alright... and pretty, too! Although since I've never seen you before I don't know what you look like when you aren't tired." Alex laughed, or tried to. She was too tired to laugh very much and she was afraid of slipping into a silly giggling fit. Sometimes when she was extremely tired she would giggle for hours. "Trust me," Alex said, "You don't want to see me when I'm not tired." "Okay, I'll make sure you don't get a chance to rest. This is Ravenwand here in the burlap bags." "Oh," Alex said. "How do you do. I think burlap is an attractive fabric -- so warm and rough and homey." Ravenwand tightened the rope around her waist. "I suppose so." Steve clapped his hands together. "Well, I propose that we go on a hunt for Ann. I realize you two don't know Ann, but she has the key to our escape from this- this- this whatever it is we're trapped in. So if we can find Ann..." Alex was nodding off. "Alex!" "Huh? Wha?" "Stay awake! We're going to look for Ann." |
| "Oh man am I tired. Can't I just take a quick nap here? maybe if I do that then I will...well of course wake up being tired, but wouldn't I be much more help to you ugly and awake then tired and pretty?" Alex asked. |
| "Yeah, I'm getting kind of tired too!" yawned Ravenwand as she pulled her itchy burlap robe tighter around her. "And I am wondering where in the heck is this ball? Why didn't I receive an invitation? Why, oh why am I wearing burlap?" "Because it wouldn't fit over yer fat head, ya ninny!" the voice came out of nowhere, menacing, taunting and altogether male. Ravenwand broke down in tears and bawled loudly. The voice sounded vaguely familiar. Suddenly another loud ripping sound echoed through the cavernous room. Ravenwand rolled her eyes, thinking it was Steve ripping his clothes again. She looked over at him, and he was fully clothed. "But what was that..." "RRRrrriiIIIiiiipppPPPP!" Steve looked at the two women and sheepishly smiled. "Pardon me, I had burritos for lunch!" |
"Lunch?" Ravenwand said. "Hmmm... I don't remember ever eating anything. Although I must have eaten something, I guess. I think I'm hungry. Do you have any more burritos?" "They were left on the table near where the Mexican Mariachi band was playing. Remember them?" "Uh... kind of. That was before we entered the temple and fell down here, right?" "Right!" said Steve. "But where is here?" Steve looked around. "It looks like a cave, but the walls are glowing. Gee, I hope it's not radioactive. Anyway, we can see. Hey, listen! Do you hear that off in the distance down that tunnel?" Ravenwand cocked her head. "It sounds like singing or chanting." "Yeah," Steve said. "Let's head in that direction. Alex! Wake up! We're on the move again." |
| Alex groans as she wakes up from the ground. "I was having such a wonderful dream about indians and she was really cute and she liked me and..." Steve put an arm around her shoulder.."sure she did, sure she did, but there's a real world out here and if you don't mind, I think it's time we go live in it. Come on." |
| Before Ravenwand exited the room, she felt something hit her back. It was like a huge puff of air. She looked behind her and didn't see anything. She tried to look at her own back, but that proved a little difficult. "Ravenwand!" Steve gasped. "Why are you gasping, did you find a spare burrito?" Ravenwand licked her lips and rubbed her hands together in anticipation, then dusted off her clothes. "No, but you are wearing something different than you were wearing two seconds ago!" "I am?" "You betcha, you are wearing a sumptuous taffeta ballgown with sequins and puffy sleeves!" "Oh, this old thing?" replied Ravenwand, "I just picked this up at the cleaners!" Steve and Alex looked at her, then at each other. They simultaneously shrugged their shoulders. Steve extracted a small vial from his coat pocket and waved it under Ravenwand's nose. She immediately fell asleep. Since the taffeta was covered in silk, she was easy to drag across the floor. Steve figured dragging her would be better than putting up with her memory lapses and constant dusting. "Why'd you do that?" asked Alex. "Oh my God, Ravenwand's passed out, what happened!" Steve looked at Alex, panic stricken. Alex was beginning to worry of the sanity of both Ravenwand and Steve, when she noticed the chanting had grown louder. It seemed whoever or whatever was chanting, was also approaching them. |
| "Hee ya hee ya moo lay mah tah. Hee ya hee ya moo lay mah tah..." Down the tunnel came a small band of Indians dressed in buckskins. Several of the men were beating small drums to accompany their chanting. A beautiful Indian maiden in a buckskin skirt led the group. Alex gasped. "OhMiGod! That's the girl from my dream!" Steve let go of Ravenwand and raised his hand in greeting. "How!" Alex spun to face him. "Steve! This isn't an old TV show! Put your hand down! Let me do the talking." "Sure. I didn't know you knew the language." One of the Indian men raised his hand to Steve. He was wearing a feather head dress. "How!" Steve looked at Alex. "See? I know what I'm doing." He solemnly addressed the Indian. "Oh Great Warrior, welcome to our campsite. We are a peaceful people. May the Great Spirit smile upon this meeting between our peoples." The Indian lowered his hand. "Yes, that would be good. So what are you guys doing down here in the Tunnel of Love?" Steve eyebrows went up. "Tunnel of Love? Uhhh... What are YOU guys doing here?" One of the braves spoke up. "Princess Spring Flower have vision, make us come here. She dream of a woman. Have feeling of love for her." The beautiful Indian maiden in the buckskin skirt pointed at Alex. "Her! She is the one." Alex's eyes were wide with amazement. Princess Spring Flower touched Alex's hand. "You come with us. We dance together around campfire." Alex smiled. "Okay! Let's go!" Steve grabbed Alex's other arm. "Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? This might be some kind of hallucination or something!" |
| "Right now Steve, or..whoever you are...I really don't care!" Alex promptly did a jig around Steve saying "hi how are ya, hi how are ya, hi how are ya," then made the common indian sound. Placing her hand over her mouth and bringing it back out again, sounding slightly like a monkey "ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo" "Come, me take you to my people and we live happy alway," Princess Spring Flower said to Alex. Alex took her hand, however Steve was slightly uncertain as to whether or not this was a good plan, for any of them. |
| Ravenwand still lay unconscious in her sumptuous taffeta silk gown, in the midst of all this confusion. She awoke just in time to see Steve, Alex, the Indian maiden and the chief disappear in the middle of the room, as if an invisible door were there. She pulled herself up, decided she wasn't dusty enough to dust herself off, and hobbled toward the vanishing spot. Feeling much like an ineffective mime, she placed her palms where the door would have been and pushed. Her hands disappeared up to the wrists. She withdrew her hands and looked at them in amazement. Throwing all caution to the wind, which was difficult, because the air was dead still in this underground grotto, she stepped one high heeled foot into the unknown door. She was immediately engulfed in a swirling blackness, peppered with streaks of neon purple, green, and chartreuse. The color chartreuse made her nauseous, and she covered her mouth, to stave off the hurling. Ravenwand landed with a "THUD!" right in the middle of what seemed to be a sound stage. It was decorated as an indian village. She heard a sound behind her. She turned around and had to stifle a scream. |
Steve put his finger to his lips. "Shhh! It's just me." Ravenwand continued to stifle her scream, although the pressure to scream was building up to an intolerable level. Steve was wearing a loincloth and had a mohawk haircut. His body was painted in savage designs. Suddenly Ravenwand's repressed scream released itself and she felt a lot better, but the loud yell made Steve grit his teeth and waggle his hands. "I said Shhh! Don't you know what Shhh means?!" "I'm sorry," Ravenwand said. "These sudden changes are making me frantic." "Well don't panic. I know it all seems manic, but this might lead to the zanic." "What's a zanic?" "Just a word I invented so I could keep rhyming." "Steeeve! Is this a time to be joking?" "It's ALWAYS a time to-- Ouch!" "What? What?" "Damn arrow..." Steve carefully plucked a feathered barb from his arm. "We better get under cover. Maybe over there..." "Where's Alex?" Steve looked around at the chaos. "Alex! ... Aaaaalllexxxxx!" |
| Alex was standing next to Princess Spring Flower and talking to her father. Alex: "How!" Cheif: "How!" Alex: "Me *pointing to self* Alex, you Savy? *pointing to the chief*" Cheif: "You *pointing at alex, Alex* Me *pointing at self* Savy!" With a big smile on his face. Alex, "No, no, no, me *pointing to self* Alex, you *pointing at cheif* mmm mmm" Cheif: "Ah, you *pointing at Alex* Alex, me mmm mmm!" Alex, "no, no, no, me *pointing to self* Alex, and me come with your daughter," puts arms around Princess Spring Flower. Princess Spring Flower "dad, why on earth are you talking like that?" Cheif: "cos she was! I thought it could be customary!" |
| Ravenwand stopped and stared at Steve. It was a minute before he realized she was staring. "Um... Ravenwand, why are you staring at me like that?" Steve questioned the woman, who now had her mouth agape, a small string of drool in the corner. "Steve... It's your loincloth. It...Um...Has fallen off..." "WHAT? Aieeeee!" Steve covered his netherregions with his cupped hands and looked around for something to cover himself. The closest thing he could find was a goat bladder canteen. He quickly strapped the canteen around his waist and pulled the straps tightly . "Haha! That's a little better bub, but what about your backside?" "Ohhh nooo.." steve whined. He got his swiss army pocket knife (from where, I have no idea) and slashed at the fabric of one of the teepees on the sound stage. In no time at all he had fashioned himself a dandy buckskin diaper. He tossed the goat bladder canteen to the side. "No, no, keep the goat bladder. It was sooo flattering!" Ravenwand giggled like a woman posessed. "Shuddup woman." "Kay." Ravenwand looked demurely at the ground. Just then an arrow flew directly at Ravenwand and pierced her shoulder. She fell to the ground in agony. "AAUUGGHH, For stage props these freakin arrows hurt like heck!" "Come on, let's hide inside this teepee, maybe the arrows can't get us in there." Steve ran for cover, and Ravenwand hobbled behind, holding on to her shoulder. She had long since taken off the high heels and was running barefoot. They finally reached the relative safety of the teepee and went inside. What they saw made both their proverbial jaws unhinge. |
It was an 1898 Maxwell Universal Jaw Unhinger with the Shocker attachment and some decidely unstock mods to the frame and chassis. "Wow!" Steve said. "I didn't know any of these still existed." RavenWand pointed at her mouth. "Mmmf... mmmf..." Steve applied a light punch to the underside of RavenWand's chin which rehinged her jaw, but apparently she wasn't much for taking a punch since she fell over unconscious. "RavenWand? ... Are you going to spend 90 percent of our adventure in a coma?" Suddenly Steve noticed Alex and Princess Spring Flower walking by holding hands. Steve ran out of the teepee yelling, "Alex? Where are you going?" |
| Alex looked around to work out exactly where Alex was and Princess Mayflower nudged her. Alex looks at Princess Mayflower "I think they are talking to you." |
| "Alex, it's us, Ravenwand and Steve. You mean you don't remember us? And just who the heck is this princess Mayflower? Is she so forgetful that she changed her name too?" Alex looked at the nametag festooned on her new friends bosom. It did indeed say, Princess Mayflower. "Um, who are you, lady, You look just like princess Spring Flower, but your name says Mayflower. What gives?" "Alex?" Princess Mayflower whined."You mean you don't remember the little romp with me and my twin sister, Spring Flower?" "Er... No." Stammered Alex, as she adjusted her new buckskin dress. It had suddenly become uncomfortable. "To tell you the truth, since I first squirted into this strange alternate universe, I don't remember much of anything." "Then perhaps I shouldn't mention my other sisters, Winterflower and April Showers." "Hey!" Alex shouted, her mood lightening. "I do remember vaguely, taking a shower..." Her mood shifted to morose, "But I don't remember any April." "Hey, girls, let's lighten the mood a little!" Steve adjusted his buckskin diaper. It seems adjusting had became the new dusting off. "Let's get something to eat, and start looking for Ann." "Who's Ann?" Ravenwand deadpanned. "And where are my shoes?" There was the sound of rattling bones and a skeleton raised up and asked, "Are these your shoes?" |
| "Are these your shoes?" a gravelly male voice demanded. Turning towards the voice, the group saw the skeleton continuing to rise up, and up, and up, and... then it stopped. Above their heads, at a height of almost thirteen feet, the skeleton glared down on them with burning-coal eyes. An obsidian cloak fluttered about its torso, a cloak as dark as the skeleton’s jackboots. The ladies noted the skeleton’s scant attire, and looked at one another dejectedly. “He’s not very modest, is he?” Ravenwand whispered to her sisters. Dangling at the end of one bony hand, the pair of aforementioned shoes invitingly swung to and fro. Had there been a playful kitten present, it likely would have batted the crap out of the shoes. But there was no such kitten here. Therefore, the shoes were safe. For now. Steve looked upon the skeleton, and drooled. The bones of its form reminded Steve of the remnants of so many meals of barbequed chicken wings that he had downed with espresso at his local watering hole. The watering hole back home. Wherever “home” was from here. “Sooo Hunnngrryyy…” Steve slobbered out loud. In equal fashion, the skeleton looked upon Steve, yet was courteous enough to refrain from audible slobbering. But drooling was another matter entirely. Steve jumped out of the way of a gigantic trailing drip of drool that had swung his way when the skeleton had taken a step forward, its boots crunching in the dirt below. “It took me an hour just to get here!” the skeleton raspily proclaimed. It sounded as if it were out of breath. In its left, non-shoe-holding hand, the skeleton was grasping a jewel-encrusted oak staff. It used this to slowly pick its way closer to the group. They noticed that it walked with a pronounced limp, as it approached them. "I'll introduce myself because we've never met,” A cavernous grin appeared on the skeleton’s face and Steve stepped back in fear of more drool. “I'm pleased to meet you. My name is Bo Bett." |
Fear gripped Steve with a cold clammy hand. "H-h-how do you do, Bo Bett. My name is Steve and this is--" But when Steve turned around to introduce Alex and RavenWand, he was greeted by a scene empty of lifeforms, featuring just a few wisps of dust and off in the distance some figures running away. "I guess they had something important to do, Bo Bett. Um... do you know the way to San Jose? No! I mean, do you know the way out of this place?" *** While Steve and Bo Bett engaged in smalltalk, Alex and Ravenwand and the Flower Princesses regrouped in a distant cave. "Whew!" RavenWand said. "What WAS that thing? Some kind of skeleton?" Alex had to get her breath. "Yeah... *gasp* ... And why did it have your shoes?" "Maybe it's a cross-dresser..." "I hope Steve is okay. Maybe we shouldn't have deserted him." "I thought it was 'Every Man For Himself'?" "Really? What happened to 'All For One And One For All'?" "That was last year's slogan." |
| "Oh that's cool, just like me and the four princesses. Hmm...maybe I should just pick one!" With that she got wollaped four times. "Or, stay with the four of them until they get tired of me." Princess Mayflower was paying very close attention to Ravenward at this stage. "Call me May, as in may we go?" she said. |
| "Naa, don't think so. I think I'll just rest here for a while." Ravenwand plopped down on her sizeable behind and rested her head in her hands. "All this running, and skeletons, and four princesses and dreaming about burritos has given me a splitting headache. Y'all go on. I'll be fine." Alex looked panicked. "But what about that huge drooling skyscraper of a skeleton? I think I see it coming your way!" But Ravenwand didn't hear her. She had fallen asleep, her head in her hands, snoring loudly. Alex hated to leave her, but the four princesses were tugging on her arm, and she could see the thing approaching. After trying unsuccessfully to wake her, Alex whispered to the sleeping woman. "Sorry chica, but you said every man/woman for him/herself. I'm high-tailing it outta here!" As the four princesses and Alex ran for cover, Ravenwand snorted in her sleep, and dreamily smiled as she drooled into her hands. One hundred yards away, Bo Bett approached. His staff and Ravenwand's shoes were in one bony fist, and Steve was in the other, screaming and struggling. |
| "Hush, puny mortal!" Bo Bett commanded Steve. Steve went totally limp as he played dead. "I will not eat you. Sorry, but you're just a bit too bony for my tastes. But since YOU seem so hungry, here, eat this." With that Bo placed his staff under his rught arm, swung the now tied-together shoes across the staff, and reached under his cloak. From underneath it, he pulled out a huge and non-descript hunk of meat, and thrust it at Steve. Steve grimaced at the meat. The meat grimaced back, or so Steve thought. Bo thrust the meat again at Steve. Hesitantly, Steve took the meat in his trembling hands. And slowly. But surely. Bit into it. Steve chewed for a bit. The meat was actually quite good. Moist. Flavourful. Tasty. Steve bit off another huge chunk. "MMmmm Than- *chew, chew* -ks. *munch* Bo Bett." Steve said. "You may call me just "Bo" if you choose." Bo Bett said. "And you're welcome." "Okay... Bo. Thanks for the food. But um... I don't mean to sound ungracious but umm... " Back beneath the cloak the empty bony-hand went. It returned with a large cola (no ice) complete with a lid and straw. He handed it to Steve. Bo stopped and looked down at Steve while Steve inhaled the cola. "Would you like some jujubes too?" Bo asked. "Well, okay... if you... " "Well I don't! I'm not a walking snacktray, dammit!" Bo cut Steve off. "Just eat what I've given you. The rest needs to be saved. Go on, get up on my shoulders." Holding the meat in his mouth, and the cola under his arm, Steve moved to Bo's shoulders. Bo took this time to place the staff back into his hand. Once Steve was in place, Bo continued on his way. "By the way, care to guess what kind of meat that is?" Bo asked. "Mmm-kay" Steve chewed for awhile. "It tastes... mmmm... *munch* *chew* just like... *thinking* CHICKEN!" Bo stopped and looked over his shoulder at Steve. "Well, that's funny... because it's lamb. I've never gotten that recipe right, yet." Steve thought he saw a tear begin to form in Bo's burning-coal eye. The two continued on in pursuit of the hot babes. |
Meanwhile, Alex and the Four Princesses had discovered a cozy little cavern with a fireplace and a huge bearskin rug on the floor. The walls were smooth and there were bookshelves carved in them and filled with books on many subjects. Oil lamps cast a gentle light. "Gosh!" Alex said, "I wonder whose room this is. It's very nice. Princesses Mayflower and April Showers spralled on the bearskin rug. "Oooh, this feels great!" Winterflower and Springflower examined the books. "Hey, look! Here's a copy of Wuthering Heights! I always wanted to read that." "What's it about?" "Mountain climbing, I think, or maybe it's about wuthering." "What's wuthering?" "It's like worrying, I think, but with lots more hand wringing and gnashing of teeth." Alex sighed. "No TV, no DVD, no PC..." Princess Springflower looked up. "Are you practicing your alphabet?" |
| "Yes, what comes next? How about POQ?" Alex says. "No, no sweetie," says Princesss Springflower, "I think it's OPQ." "No honestly, I really think it's POQ!" Alex says looking at this big bear that was walking into the cave. "Get down everyone!" Winter flower said. But Springflower wasn't listening. She was singing the alpahbet "A,B,C,D,E" *completely unaware of the bear* F,G *sneaking up behind her* H, I, J, K..." "GRRRR" said the bear. "No, no Alex darling, I don't think GRRR is in the alphabet!" "L," *Princess Springflower turns around and screams! "I don't think AAH! is in the alphabet either my love!" Alex says as she rushes at the bear. Her only chance was to knock the bear out and hopefully therefore get away. But the bear noticed her. Somehow Princess Winterflower was able to knock the bear out. Just knock the bear out, not hurt it. The Princesses and Alex decided to get out of there as quickly as possible. "SEE! I told you it was POQ!" Alex said as she runs after the princesses. |
| Ravenwand woke up just as Bo-Bett and Steve were upon her. My guess it was the screeching tire sound as Bo's bony heels came to a screeching halt. "Speaking of hot babes..." Steve said in a concerned tone. Ravenwand lay there weaving in and out of consciousness. Steve felt her forehead. "My God! You could fry an egg on this womans'forehead! We had better get her from under these stage lights!" "Let me help," gargled Bo Bett in a sepulcheral voice. In the same hand that held the staff and her shoes, he cradled Ravenwand. Her head lolled to the side with his unsteady gait. "That poor gal is going to have a stiff neck after this." Steve thought to himself. "Too bad I can't remember her name... OH HELL, I'M BEING CARRIED BY A GIANT SKELETON!! aIEEEeeeEEeeEE!" As instantly as his panicked thought occured, it vanished. "I wonder if this movie set has a caterer, I could sure use some food!" A vacant smile spread across his face, and he began to drool. |
Bo Bett looked askance at Steve. "You just ate half a lamb and drank a large coke. Are you hungry again, already?" Steve wiped the drool off his chin, silently cursing the scriptwriter who was always making such demands on his acting abilities. Sure, cry for the camera, laugh for the camera, drool on command. Well, after 27 retakes of a scene it wasn't so easy to work up a good drool. But what the hell. He was well-paid. Could he really complain? And who would care if he did? Better to just get on with it and do what had to be done. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed Steve. "That's right! I did just eat that lamb, didn't I? Alright, I guess I can wait for my snack. By the way, can you set me down now? I have feet. I can walk on my own." Bo Bett set Steve down. "Sorry. I have this compulsion to carry people. I guess it's because I'm so big and walk so much faster. I don't like to slow down so the simplest thing is just to carry my companions." "No problem. My Dad used to give me horsie rides on his back, but, you being a skeleton and all, you have a very bony saddle. Have you ever thought about getting a cushion to put on your shoulders?" Bo Bett shrugged. "Not really. It's not the kind of thing I think about. I spend most of my time thinking about hot babes." "Good for you. Everybody needs a goal. Well, anyway, thanks for the ride. I think I'll go see what Alex and the Four Princesses are up to." Bo Bett waved good-bye, but he wasn't even looking at Steve anymore. All his attention was on RavenWand. Steve wandered around the vast network of caves and tunnels until he heard the giggling of a Flower Princess... |
| "Hi Steve!" said Princess Mayflower. "How's it going?" asked Princess Springflower as she tickled Alex. Alex giggled. "You should have seen that bear we saw Steve, it was very large," Alex said. "What are you complaining about? I got carried by a giant skeleton?" Steve said, "Where are we anyway?" "Good question," said Alex. "I don't know," said Princess Winterflower, the other princesses nodded. |
| Ravenwand woke once again, and in her feverish haze, blinked at BoBett. He tried to blink back, but he had no eyelids. His orbs just trembled grotesquely in his sockets. "Wow!" giggled Ravenwand, "let me try that too!" She attempted to vibrate her eyebals like Bo, but was unsuccessful. Her fevered countenance looked at the towering skeleton."Cowboyyy taaake me awayyyy!" she sang off-key. Bo-Bett picked her up and cradled her against his bony shoulderblades. "I think I'm falling in love with her..." Bo thought to himself. Ravenwand read his thoughts. "Just great, I finally find a man and he has no skin. Just wonderful. But at least he has nice teeth!" her eyelids fluttered shut and she drifted to dreamland, where she frolicked with her new beau, Bo, in pillow of bluebonnets and a blanket made of stars... |
| Bo felt askew in his heart. He hadn’t felt like this in a very long time. He felt another feeling too. An odd and unusual feeling that he couldn’t quite place. It almost felt as if there were a heart beating in his chest again. |
Then he noticed that one of his ribs had come loose and was banging aagainst the side of his rib cage. "So that's what that thumping was," he muttered. "Huh? Whazzat?" Ravenwand said, as she roused herself from yet another of her many short naps. "Nothing. Go back to sleep. I just had a loose bone." "Oh... sure... zzzzzz..." Meanwhile, Steve and the princesses were having a heated discussion about their possible location. "...but it CAN'T be an abandoned subway tunnel under New York City! That just doesn't make any sense! Where are the tracks?" "Well, I know it's not Carlsbad Caverns because I went there on our 2004 Native American Adventure Quest and this is NOT there. It could be Mammoth Cave..." "No, I've BEEN to Mammoth Cave. I think it's the Caverns of Luray." "Huh? Never heard of them." "They're in the Great Smokies in Virginia." "Oh... Have you ever been to Dollywood?" |
| "Nope, how many Dolls are in those woods?" Alex asked curious. "Um...probably quite a few, anyway, maybe we should go and try and work out where we are, maybe there is a local street or something we could look at?" Steve asked. "Yeah sure, like there would be a place in the middle of the wilderness which has a street in it, I mean come on..." Princess Springflower said. |
| Sure enough, there it was, a street right in the middle of the wilderness. It appeared as if mere suggestion had brought it there. Steve stared at the road, incredulous. "I wonder if I can imagine a bathroom, I really gotta go!" Steve started doing the pee pee dance. The four princesses mistook the dance for a Native American chant, and they began dancing too, making woo woo woo sounds with their palms against their lips. (they were just actors, and not real Native Americans, so they could not tell the difference.) Ten seconds into the dance, an outhouse appeared in the middle of the road, complete with half moon cut-outs on the door. "Whooo hoooo!" Steve yelped and ran into the wooden structure, leaving Alex and the Princesses looking rather puzzled. Since Bo-Bett was seven times larger than the puny humans he was pursuing, he caught up with them quickly. He skidded to a halt in back of the group of women. His sudden stop jarred Ravenwand out of his hand and she fell to the ground with a "Plop!" Miraculously, she awakened. "Dang, this has been some journey so far, I wonder if there is a restaurant anywhere near, I am starving. Hey, why am I wearing a ball gown?" Ten seconds later, (the allotted time for things to appear in stories) A McDonalds appeared on the road, obscuring the outhouse. "Wicked!" screamed Ravenwand, as she raced for the doors. |
| “I can’t go in there.” Bo stated sadly. Ravenwand stopped before she reached the door and turned around. “Awww, I’m sorry, Bo.” Ravenwand said. “You’re too big to get in the door. I’ll wish for a bigger restaurant then!” With that, Ravenwand closed her eyes and began to wiggle her nose. “No!” Bo interjected. “If it’s big enough for me, then you guys will never be able to see over the counter. No it’s fine the way it is. Besides that stuff goes right to my hips anyway.” “Okay then. But I’m bringing you back a ‘Treat of the Week’!” She gave him a big hug around a shinbone, and then led the rest of the group inside. Bo skeletal cheekbones were blushing bright red. ‘May your every McWish come true’ read the large words on the gigantic sign atop the building. ‘Hmmm… Bo thought, as he read this. *** Somewhere deep in the depths of the bottom of the restaurant’s sub-level basement, underneath the restaurant’s heating grid, which ran everything from the washroom’s hand-dryer to the deep-fryer, something stirred. And then moved. “Ahhhh, that just-a the way Luigi like-a his coffee!” the grotesquely rotund man stated as he stirred a silver spoon through the vat containing the mass of black tar that Luigi called ‘coffee’. He threw in a keg of brandy just to give the coffee that little extra “kick”. Luigi yanked the spoon up out of the mess, and a long taffy-like string accompanied it. He twirled the spoon, spooling the ‘tar’ around it, and stuck it into his mouth sucking it like a lollipop. He kept this vat on a constant simmer. Luigi was the super-lazy manager of this greasy spoon. As is the duty of the super-lazy, he spent most of his time slacking off wherever and whenever he could. On the floors above, the pimply-faced teens did all the grunt work. But occasionally Luigi did get some sunshine, usually around the time when the area manager came around to do an inspection of the place. The intercom near Luigi’s elbow crackled to life. “Bzzz… Sir, Are you there sir?” Melvin, one of the cashiers asked. Luigi pressed the intercom’s talk button. “Yeah I’m-a here. What-a the $%#^ ya want?” he spat. “Um sir, we’ve just had a massive rush of people come in all at once, and we’re going to need your help up here, please. Yeah, we have… um… one, two… five… oh, I’ve lost count… people just come in, and they seem pretty hungry!” Melvin had been taking the order of a raven-haired beauty, and her soft voice floated to Luigi via the intercom. “May I have fries with that, please?” Imaginations of what this beauty must actually look like, jerked Luigi into full-on letcherization mode. He leapt up and ran towards the door. In his haste, he hadn’t noticed the rat crossing his path, until his heel had crushed it into a flat pulpy mess. He cursed his luck. Now with less meat available, burger production was certainly going to decrease. This could mean his job. But for Luigi this was soon to be the very least of his worries. He skidded forward and then the rat’s hairy carcass caught on the floor and halted its line of travel. Luigi suddenly fell forwards, tried to catch himself, and then stumbled backwards… backwards… straight towards… the vat. (insert dramatic music here) “Not the vat!” you say. “Yes. The vat.” (insert even more dramatic music here) “Splash!” Luigi and the vat’s contents collided loudly. “Aieeeeeeeeeeee…” he screamed. He thrashed about, blinded, burned, and intoxicated (remember the brandy?). On top of that, he was now pretty p*ssed off. The vat tipped, and spilled its contents all over the floor. Luigi-gor was born |
Upstairs in the restaurant people continued the normal progress of their lives, unaware that below their feet something new and monstrous had come into their world. "Yes, I DO want fries with that." "But, sir. You keep saying you want fries with EVERYthing. Currently your order is a burger, coke, apple pie, and five fries. Is that correct?" "But you keep asking if I want fries. I thought maybe you didn't hear me." "So you don't want the fries?" "Of COURSE I want the fries! I said I wanted fries, didn't I?" "I mean... Do you want FIVE fries?" "There better be more than five fries in one of those little paper thingies." "I meant--" "I know what you meant. I'm just pulling your leg. I don't even have any money so it doesn't matter anyway. Hahahahaha!" "That's not funny, sir. You have to pay for this food." Their conversation was interrupted by an ominous rumble from below... |
| Alex looked at the person who was serving her and her beautiful princesses. "Look, I'm hungry and I don't care how many fries and coke you put with this meal, just give me or I swear to god I'll go back there and cook it myself! How long does it take to cook 5 hamburgers for christs sake!" Staring at the person at the other side of the desk. "I'm sorry sir," she says. "I'm not a sir!" Alex roars, the princesses giggle. "I may not know much, but I sure as hell know that! Now is my food coming or am I climbing over the counter to go get it myself?" "It's coming sir, I mean miss, I mean..." the woman said getting quite stressed. "Here, have some free cookies, I don't want to get into trouble for you climbing the counter," she said. "But I don't want cookies, I'm on a diet, how do you girls feel about it?" she asked looking at the princesses. A couple reached for the cookies but Alex wondered whether or not she should let them. Besides, climbing the counter could be fun and that way she could get food for everyone. |
| Alex climbed the counter, loudly announced that it was now officially “Everything on the McMenu is totally McFREE!!!” day, and then got Melvin into a good sleeper hold, knocking him out. She then threw food out to the hungry customers like it was candy. At the sight of this, Steve had worked up a really good drool. It was actually quite involuntary. As hungry as she was, Ravenwand had a sudden need to make use of the facilities and had ducked into the ladies room Meanwhile outside Bo was trying to keep himself entertained while he waited for his friends. He was re-arranging the parking arrangement of the cars in the lot. Tee hee. *** “RAWWWRRRR!” was Luigi-gor’s first word. He got up and stomped off to the freight elevator. He hit the button. Waited. The thing was always so damn so, but especially now even more so. He jammed the button again. Waited some more. It began to groan and clack its way towards him. Finally, it opened. “You’re looking well today, Sir.” the impeccably dressed elevator attendant greeted Luigi-gor. “Which floor will it be then?” Luigi-gor promptly ate him. He then smashed the button for the top floor, and the elevator rocketed upwards. At one mile per hour. Luigi-gor sat and picked his teeth while the elevator continued its ascent. *** The door opened a second after Luigi-gor had begun smashing it open. Thanks to the toxic concoction of caffeine and brandy, the elevator ride had made him nauseous. Not that he didn’t already have enough to be upset about, with him now being a hideously deformed fat man, but as soon as he caught sight of Alex passing out the food, that really angered him. Now this wasn’t Kent, but he ran amuck anyway. *** Ravenwand emerged from the bathroom, took in the chaotic scene, and was totally aghast. She wished that it would all just go away. |
So it did. And Ravenwand found herself suspended in a grey murk like a thick London fog, only she couldn't hear Big Ben ticking nor any cries of sea gulls so it probably wasn't London. San Francisco? She strained her ears for the clang of a cable car, but the only sound she could hear was the beating of her own heart. I wish I hadn't wished it all away, she thought, and suddenly found herself aghast again in the middle of a chaotic scene... |
| Alex and the Princesses started to munch on their hamburgers and fries. Alex turned out to be a pretty decent chef with french fries and hamburgers being thrown out left right and centre and the hungry people rushing at it like a storm of ants rush towards food at a picnic. |
| Though she had just gone to the bathroom, Ravenwand felt a strong urge to go again. Fortunately, she was able to restrain herself. Taking a deep breath, she assessed the situation. Alex and the princesses were stuffing their faces, and Steve sat there drooling, as usual. She glanced out the left window and saw her beloved Bo, busily re-arranging cars. She thought it was rather cute. She surreptitiously left the side door and ran to tell Bo what was happening. "A large, disgusting, hideously deformed, smelly, Italian fat man has invaded Mickey-D's and is harassing my friends!" Ravenwand yelled in a panic. "What's worse, he eerily resembles my ex boyfriend Kevin... You have to help!" Leaping into action as most heroic giant skeletons do, Bo drove his fist into the roof of the building, crashing clean through and grabbing Luigi-Gor by the waist. Luigi started screaming like a seven year old girl. Steve stopped drooling and reached in his pocket. He remembered he had one more of those vials of stuff that put Ravenwand to sleep several chapters ago. Unfortunately, it slipped from his hand and shattered on the brown and white tile floor. In a flash, everyone in the restaurant had passed out, save for Luigi-Gor, Bo and Ravenwand. Suddenly, the flesh of the customers began to bubble, and their facial features and bodily characteristics began to change. Bo, Luigi-Gor and Ravenwand stopped their epic struggle and stared at the horror that was developing on the brown and white tile floor. Only Steve and Alex seemed unaffected. |
When the horror was fully developed, it began to stink. At that point, even Luigi-Gor was grossed out, so Bo, Luigi-Gor,Ravenwand, Steve, and Alex left the restaurant. "But my princesses!" moaned Alex. "We'll find you some more princesses," Steve said, hoping that she believed him. "So now what?" Ravenwand asked. "I don't kow," Steve said. "I still want to get out of here, but more and more I'm thinking it's an impossible dream." Alex grabbed his arm. "But you HAVE to dream the impossible dream! "I'm trying to," Steve said. "But you know how dreams are. You can't force them. They just happen." "Sometimes I can control my dreams," Bo said. Luigi-Gor nodded his head. "Yah, dude. That's called your lucid dreaming. Awesome, isn't it?" "Oh yeah!" Bo said. "It works best on like Saturday morning when you don't have to get up right away. I can just lie there all morning having dreams." |
| "Or what about when you have a dream and you know that it's a dream and you dream of such a good dream and it becomes a really good dream and it's a nightmare but you know you are dreaming and..." Alex seemed to be babbling, maybe she missed the princesses more than she was letting on. "Yes those are good, now shouldn't we get out of here?" Steve asked. "Yeah I agree with that," Bo said, "you guys eaten enough?" "Yeah I think so," Alex said scratching her head. |
| After Alex scratched her head, Ravenwand scratched hers. Steve saw the women scratching and he began to scratch. Luigi-gor was virtually a sasquatch, so he started scratching too. Bo wanted to scratch, but realized he had no hair and did not. Unbeknownst to them, the vial of liquid Steve spilled earlier contained tiny nano-mites that burrowed into the skin and re arranged your DNA sequences. "I'm...feeling...odd..." Ravenwand's voice trailed off as she passed out on the ground. Steve rolled his eyes, thinking it was just another one of her narcoleptic spells, but he was feeling a little "odd" himself. "Um, Steve, Luigi, Y'alls feeling a little tahrd? I's plum tuckered out, Yeeeehaw!" Alex clamped her hands over her mouth, wondering why she had suddenly started speaking in a southern dialect. Her eyes rolled back and she crumpled. "No durn idea, little filly, y'alls sure looking purty! Purty as a little red wagon goin' up a hill" Luigi stopped his verbal outpour and glanced at Steve, shrugging his shoulders as he collapsed. Steve was afraid to speak, so he shrugged his shoulders in turn. He fell like a rag doll. Bo began to cry. All three of his new friends now lay sprawled on the ground unconscious. He gathered the trio in his bony fists and headed deep into the forest which had suddenly appeared as if he had wished it into existence. "Ravenwand my love, I swear with the very breath that is in me, though I have no breath to speak of,I will find who did this to you and tear him, or her, or it, from limb to limb." Bo sobbed as he trudged into the forest. He couldn't believe it; his beloved was passed out, AND he was talking in run-on sentences. |
| The sun rose. The birds sang. The dew hung in huge drops on the grass. In the middle of a vast forest there was a grassy, craggy hill. On top of that hill there sat an obsidian tent. Actually it was just Bo's cloak, held up by two large branches, one at either end, and pegged down. Inside the tent, slept our heroes. Steve had been the first to open his eyes, and when he realized that he was awake, he thought that he could wake the others too. He poked each of them until they stirred. When each of them was up, they left the tent. Directly before them, there was large oaken table filled with many breakfast treats. But Bo was nowhere to be seen. Luigi-gor was gone too. A note explained their absence. It read: I have gone off to find who has done this, and I won't stop looking until I do. Worry not for me, my friends, for your love fires my spirit AND I packed a "lunch"! :D |
"Let's eat!" Steve said, and Ravenwand and Alex joined him in sampling the many delightful breakfast treats on the big oak table. There were cinnamon buns and waffles, scrambled eggs and dishes of hot steaming grits, plates filled with crisp bacon and brown sausages. Beside a stack of cereal bowls was a pile of individual size cereal packs and a pitcher of cold milk. There was coffee brewing, hot water and tea bags, tiny paper cups filled with orange juice or grapefruit juice, a platter of toast with packets of butter and jelly. There were bear claws and danishes and jelly rolls and doughnuts. There was hot oatmeal with raisins in it. Steve's belly stretched out into the shape of a basketball as he devoured some of everything. "Mmmf," he mumbled, "this is good!" Ravenwand tried to answer him, but she was so busy stuffing cheese biscuits in her mouth that she almost bit off her finger, so she decided it was best not to speak, just eat. Alex discovered the breakfast burritos and the croissants and let out a whoop of delight. |
| Mmm Alex said as she munched on chocolate croissants and breakfast burito's. "Alex happy now," she said smiling similar to what a three year old child would do. "Alex want drink!" Steve looked at her funny but passed her a large jug of orange juice just the same. This was not the way that Alex usually acted, Steve realised that he had to find an antidote before they were all acting like complete idiots. "Steve still hungy!" he said. Steve put a hand over his mouth...he had just said those words and Alex was laughing and rolling around on the ground...this was not going to be a good thing...what happened to the others? |
| Ravenwand swallowed a large mouthful of chewed up biscuit and began singing “The wheels on the bus go round and round!” Alex and Steve joined her. After the wipers on the bus went swish, swish, swish Ravenwand forgot the next verse. “I don’t know what else on the bus,” she whined and shrugged her shoulders in a dramatic fashion. Alex clapped her hands and said, “I know, DOGGIES!” So the trio began singing, “The doggie’s on the bus go woof, woof, woof!” each successive verse adding a new animal, and the sound it made. They went on like this for a couple hours until they heard thundering footsteps approaching them. “BO! BO!” screeched Ravenwand, who’s mind had deteriorated to the point she was speaking in one syllable words. It wasn’t Bo. It was something far more terrifying than any one of them could process with their addled brains. |
"Oooo, what IS it?" Steve said, as crumbs of apple streudle dribbled from his chewing mouth. He tossed down a mug of cold milk and reached for a creme-filled doughnut. "Mmmm, lemon!" Alex pointed. "Look! Big thing!" Then she gulped down a bagel slathered with cream cheese and looked around to see if that attractive stack of pancakes was still there. It was. She wondered if she should use a fork, but there didn't seem to be any, so she ate the pancakes like cookies. "More juice!" she said, and Ravenwand repeated her words. "Juice! Juice!" A shadow fell across them. Something huge and brain-addling stared down at them with its hands on its hips and shook its head slowly from side to side in an expression of extreme disgust. Steve said, "Why it get dark?" and looked up for the source of the shadow. His face fell as he saw the looming thing above him. "We be bad?" he asked. |
| "Mmm pancakes," Alex said shoving the pancakes into her mouth one by one..."Why it dark?" Then she looked up at this big creature wondering "what that?" |
| "It look like big, big girl man?!" stammered Ravenwand, cheese biscuit rolling off her chin and onto her lap. The large thing extended its hand toward the cowering group of baby talkers. "Hi, I'm Dennis Rodman!" The three breakfasters fainted from fright. |
The giant thing used one finger to slap their faces and wake them up. "No, just kidding! I'm actually Richard Simmons in darkface. See? Just a little minstrel joke." "You not politically correct!" pouted Steve. Giant Richard growled, "And YOU have flabby abs. Now, up on your feet, girls, and let's do our exercises." "Me not girl!" protested Steve. "Do you want me to be Dennis Rodman again?" "No," whimpered Steve. "Then let's see some jumping jacks. Ready? One! Two! Three! Four! That was good! Let's do some more! One! Two! Three! Four!" Ravenwand grumbled. "Me not like giant Richard. Jelly doughnuts in my belly bounce too much. Make him stop." Alex was smiling. "Aerobic exercise is good for you. It strengthens the heart-lung system and restores muscle tone to your body." Ravenwand frowned at Alex. "Who make you so smart?" "It's the aerobics," said Alex with a cheerful smile as her youthful body bounced up and down in sync with Richard Simmons. |
| "God I miss the water!" Alex said, "I love aerobics, but I miss aqua aerobics." At that second SPLASH she was in a swimming pool fully clothed "Ah that's better.." she said. The others had other ideas of how they felt soaking wet and in the middle of a swimming pool that they swore wasn't there a few seconds ago. |
| Being of a slightly more advanced age than Alex, Steve and Ravenwand doubled over in cramps. "I guess it’s true that you shouldn't swim right after you eat!" Squealed Ravenwand, as she grabbed her midsection and bent over with her second cramp. "Hey you're talking normal again!" Steve shouted, completely ignoring her last comment. He grabbed his stomach, then put it back inside his body and bent over, moaning. "I shouldn't have done that!" "No you shouldn't have!" Ravenwand retched. “That was a horrible pun you just wrote.” “Give me a break, I just woke up and I haven’t had any coffee…” Ravenwand was opening her mouth to say more when the Richard Simmons thing morphed again. Alex ceased her youthful romping in the pool and stared at the thing, as its features re arranged themselves. The giant things facial features melted like wax as they settled to reveal… Richard Rodman! The curly headed, sibilant, tall, loud, ugly, half-brown girly-man pointed a limp finger at the trio and said, “You thilly thavages, now you are going to dieeeeee!” The CHSTLUHBGM raised its hand to strike, when the earth shook with approaching steps. Ravenwand, Steve, Alex and Richard Rodman turned toward the noise. |
"Hey, it's King Kong!" "Don't be alarmed, folks! I'm just handing out free passes to my new movie. Enjoy your stay here in..." And he walked off. But Steve didn't catch the name of the place. "What did King Kong say? Where are we?" Alex shrugged. "I didn't hear it either." RAvenwand smiled. "Notice how our cramps are gone since we had something else to think about?" "My cramps!" groaned Steve and doubled up on the ground. Ravenwand shook her head. "Two Steves. That's more than enough." "Let's do some more aqua aerobics." Alex suggested. "No, you go ahead. I'll just sit here by the pool and wait for Steve to simplify himself." "I think he's a little too simple already..." |
| Alex didn't really like the idea of doing aqua aerobics all by herself. She thought about how she wished there where other people to do her aqua aerobics with and all of a sudden she heard a SPLASH in the swimming pool. |
| "Scuse me..." whispered Ravenwand, blushing a deep crimson, "I guess I had too much breakfast." "EEEEWWWWWWWWW!" Alex screamed and left the pool quickly. |
Steve was still doubled up on the ground with the cramps, but Ravenwand singled him out with one of her smiles. "Thanks, I needed that!" Steve said. "No prob, Steve. Look out! Raaaallllpphhhhh!" "Digestive problems?" Steve asked. "I'm okay now. Too much breakfast. Who's up for a swim?" "Let's go down to the clean end and swim while the filters at this end of the pool skim off this mess." |
| "Not me," Alex said, "I'm not getting in there for love nor money!" Alex noticed a tree that had a towel on it and grabbed hold of it using it to rub her hair dry. "I think that's all the exercise I can stand for one day," she said smiling. |
| Ravenwand stretched out on another towel that mysteriously appeared on the tree branch. The sun felt wonderful against her skin. “Do you smell something burning?” asked a sleepy Steve, who had also reclined on a towel. “AIeeeeeee!” screamed Ravenwand. She batted at her arm like it was covered with newly hatched spiders. “What the heck is going on?” Alex asked, as she appeared out of thin air, munching on a large pink apple. “The freaking hair on my arm was burning, that’s what’s wrong!” “Ya doofus,” Steve scolded, “You forgot we are on a sound stage, and not actually in the woods. Or at least we were quite a few paragraphs ago.” “So the stage lights are sizzling me. Why the heck aren’t you sizzling, Steve-o?” “Um…” he hesitated. “Because of this.” he held out a large squeeze tube of a creamy looking substance. “It’s SLPF300.” “Huh?” mumbled Alex, between bites of pink apple. Ravenwand noticed Alex’s face was turning the same shade as the odd apple. “That stands for ‘stage light protection factor 300‘. All us thespians wear it.” “I had no idea you were a thespian, Steve, that’s really cool!” Ravenwand said. In the distance, they heard the thundering steps. Ravenwand’s heart soared , because the footsteps sounded like the footsteps of her beloved Bo. When she finally caught that slippery little bugger, she put it back in her chest and looked toward the overdone plot device of thundering steps. It wasn’t Bo. It wasn’t even anything huge. It was just a very short, very fat cop. He held out a box of Krispy Kremes to Ravenwand and said, “Take one, you may need it after what I have to tell you.” “Am I in trouble for using horrid puns?” she demured, taking a cruller from the box. “No, I come bearing unfortunate news. Do you know a certain tall bony ugly skeleton named Bo Bett?” “Yeah, I know a Bo..” her tears began. “Well, there has been an unfortunate accident. It seems your friend tripped near a construction sight and accidentally fell into an industrial wood chipper. I’m afraid this was all we could find of him.” The officer held out a ziplock baggie with what looked like fragments of a pyrex plate. Ravenwand began sobbing. Alex put an arm around her to comfort her. Steve just sat there. His years of training as a bachelor taught him to completely ignore overly emotional women. That was a surefire way to stay a bachelor! “Look on the bright side, gals!” he shouted over the sobbing, trying to lighten the mood, “Now maybe Ravenwand can find a guy with teeth AND lips!” Alex glared at him, and Ravenwand sobbed even louder. “What?” Steve asked. |
A new day dawned in Amnesia Land and Steve had a sudden flash of memory. Ann! Where is Ann? He shook Ravenwand and Alex awake. "Hey! Listen up! I just remembered something. I was looking for Ann and you guys were supposed to be helping me." Ravenwand yawned. "Who is Ann?" "Yeah," Alex said, "Who is this Ann of which you speak?" Steve scratched his head. "Hmmm... I don't know for sure. It just seems important somehow." |
| "Ok fine..go find Anne..have fun," Alex rolls over and attempts to go back to sleep which is really hard with Steve shaking her, "No, it is so important that we find Anne," "Ok, Ravenward, I think you're looking for Anne, as for me," Alex rolls over and drops back off to sleep. |
| “Ann?” asked Ravenwand, rubbing her eyes with her closed fists. “Ouch! I must have rubbed too hard, I think I eroded my cornea!” “Ya putz!” Steve whispered under his breath. “What was that?” Ravenwand glared, her left eye watering profusely, as if she had something in it. She was having a hard time keeping her eye open, and the tears were flowing profusely down her cheeks, aggravating her roseacea . “Dang Ravenwand!” yawned Alex as she finally sat up. “What the heck did you do to your eye?” “I didn’t do ANYTHING!” she screamed, “I just rubbed them a little too hard. Could someone get me a clean cloth, so I can get a patch on this thing?” Ravenwand blinked blearily out of her eye that was slowly swelling shut. Steve extracted a small tin from his pocket. Both women stared at him. “Why are you looking at me like that? It’s just my stash…” Ravenwand gasped. “…Of first aid supplies!” Steve finished. “Heeere I come to save the dayyyyyyy!” he dramatically sang as he fashioned a wonderful eye patch for the tearful woman. “We need to get this putz…er… I mean Raven… to a doctor, this looks nasty!” “Where, oh great healer of the eye, are we going to find a doctor here?” inquired Alex. “We can’t even find this Ann chick!” Steve grabbed Alex’s collar and brought her within inches of his face. His voice was low, threatening. “Ann is NOT just a CHICK!” “Whoa, slow down there bub!” chirped Alex, “And for gosh sakes, use some mouthwash!” Steve released Alex and stalked off to a nearby tree. Alex fell to the ground with an “oof!” and rubbed her neck where the collar had been constricted. “Who peed in his Cheerios this morning?” Alex whispered to Ravenwand. Both women began to giggle. |
"Stella!" Steve screamed. "I thought you were looking for Anne?" Ravenwand said. "I AM looking for Anne, but I just wanted to get the tone right before I screamed for her. I think I've got it now. Marlon Brando was a genius. Ahem... Annnnnne! Annnnne!" Alex shook her head. "Is it just me or does he seem to be missing a few cards from his deck?" "It doesn't matter. Even if he had a full deck he wouldn't know how to play his hand." Both women giggled some more. Steve paused to gaze at them. "You two seem to be in a good mood today..." |
| "Aren't you looking for Anne?" Alex said as she looked at Ravenward with a knowing look in her eye. "Oh yes," Steve said, "ANNE!" "Let me take a look at that eye," Alex said gently removing the eyepatch. It looked all bloodshot and painful. "We should at least run some water over it..that's what my mother always used to say and then maybe we can make our way back to that indian camp. Maybe their witch doctor can do something to help you." "Which doctor is that?" Ravenward asked. "Just the doctor who helps the indians feel better and get better..don't tell me that indians don't get sick or hurt sometimes," Alex said, then maybe I can find my princesses again. Alex thought but never said aloud. |
| Ravenwand thought about Bo, and thinking about Bo made her cry, and crying made her eroded cornea hurt even more. Steve reached in his handy-dandy pocket and pulled out a vial of fuchsia-colored liquid. The girls knew from past experience whenever Steve reached in his pocket, it meant trouble. They instinctively backed away. "What's the matter little girl? I won't hurt you, just sniff my vial!" Steve's eyes glinted with a steely maliciousness that made Ravenwand's blood coagulate in her veins. Not really; she had wanted to say 'made her blood run cold' but considered that too cliché. "Sniff it! Sniff it! You know you want to, girly girl. SNIIIIFFFFF IIITTTTT!" He thrust the liquid toward Ravenwand, and his eyes glazed over. He began panting like a dog, and his whole body vibrated. "Steve! Snap out of it!" Ravenwand screamed, pushing him violently away. |
Steve snapped out of his mini-fit. A little too quickly, really, as he heard a bone in his back protest with a cracking noise. He stood up tall (in spite of the pain), raised a finger to the sky, and exclaimed, "To the Indian tribe we go!" "Oh goody!" was Alex's joyful reply. "Hmmm," said Ravenwand. "Does this mean another long walk through dark, treacherous caverns filled with spooks and goblins?" "I'm afraid so," said Steve. "All right then,: said Ravenwand, licking her chops. "That suits my temperament to a T." "What's a T?" asked Alex. "You never heard of T-shirts and T-time?" "I guess I have..." Alex had her trademark look of bemused puzzlement plastered all over her face. Steve was brisk. "Well, girls? Are we ready? Repatch that eye, Ravenwand. Alex, clean off your face. And now... shall we depart this place and go in search of that band of savages with the helpful witch doctor and the luscious princesses?" |
| Alex almost skipped as she walked along with Steve and Ravenward. She was going to see her princesses again! Could a girl get any happier? |
| So here they were, A middle aged woman, a man of indeterminate age, and a young woman, trudging along a leaf strewn path. Ravenwand could almost hear theme music in her head, but realized after a while it was real music. She turned to Alex. "Do you hear that?" "Nope, I don't hear nuthin'" declared Alex in her best redneck imitation accent. "Steve, do you hear a strange tinkling kind of music?" "Huh?" Steve sounded startled as he turned away from the tree, zipping his fly. "Did someone say tinkle?" "No, not tinkle, you half wit; tinkling music. Kind of like an ice cream truck." "Ravenwand, you are really creeping me out. Now I am expecting some deformed clown of nightmarish proportions to crawl forth from the storm drain." Alex hugged herself with her arms and shivered slightly. "Well, I hear it. It seems to be coming from the left." "Ravenwand, there is no music," Steve assured her. But she heard it. Her pulse quickened as she listened to the creepy, tinny, out-of-tune version of "This Old Man." Things were definitely getting strange. |
| Romar the Deformed Ice Cream Clown sank back down into the sewer. His little peek through the grill of the sewer drain had been very rewarding. Prey! Three plump humans trudging through the leaves. And Romar was hungry. He should be able to leap out of the storm drain opening on Mulberry Street and snatch the humans. Picking up his tiny pocket xylophone, he clumsily pecked out "This Old Man" as he crept through the sewer pipe toward a rendezvous with dinner. Steve put up his hand when they came to an intersection. "Hmmm... Now which way to the Indians? Security Lane or Mulberry Street?" Ravenwand scratched her head. "Mulberry Street?" |
| Alex screamed looking at the clown. Alex did not like clowns. Never had. The clown raced up to her and sprayed her with water. "AAAH!" Alex screamed as she climbed the nearest tree. |
| Ravenwand and Steve looked at Alex. They were walking merrily along, and Alex let out a blood- coagulating scream. Why had she screamed? There seemed to be nothing around! "Alex, yer losing it!" teased Ravenwand. "What do you mean, losing it!" Alex screeched at Ravenwand "Fine bit of criticism coming from the tinkling ice cream music woman!" Raven was cooking up something witty when Steve interrupted. "Ladies, ladies, let's not fight now." he simpered. "I saw it... it was hideous, deformed, and smelly. That was the most horrible clown I ever saw!" |
"Where did you see it?" Steve asked. Alex pointed at a storm drain. "There! Right there behind that grill. He was staring at us and he... he looked HUNGRY!" Steve looked closely at the drain. "I don't see anything. Come down out of that tree, Alex. Come on down, now. Don't you want to see the Indian Princesses?" Alex clung to the branches of the tree. She DID want to see the princesses again, but she did NOT want to see that clown again. Ravenwand stood under the tree. "Come on down. If there IS anything in that drain then you don't want to stay here by yourself, do you?" "That's right," said Steve. "Better come down because here's Mulberry Street and Ravenwand and I are going to see the Indians. Bye-bye." Steve and Ravenwand walked away, looking over their shoulders to see if Alex would climb down from the tree and follow them. From somewhere not far away came the sound of a tiny xylophone... |
| Alex climbed down from the tree, "no..no..wait..please waI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Alex let out a scream as she ran past them. "Don't tell me you can't see that thing?" Alex pointed to a very brightly coloured clown. With a red nose and fuzzy hair with a big smile on it's face honking a little horn. HONK! HONK! HONK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Alex screamed as she ran away followed shortly by the clown. |
| Romar ran after his tasty prey, his fuzzy rainbow hair flying behind him. He honked his horn and tinkled his xylophone. He even squirted water from a flower on his lapel. Alex looked back at the deformed specter running toward her. She screamed again and ran even faster. Being a deformed clown of nightmarish proportions, Romar was a bit of a klutz. While attempting to fashion a poodle out of a long, phallic balloon, he tripped on his enormous clown feet and fell on his face. "HONK" went his gigantic red nose. Twenty yards behind them, Steve and Ravenwand were screaming too. When Romar's colossal shoe fell off, they discovered his feet were the same size. Scaly and green, with thick yellow toenails. Steve's scream of horror quickly turned into a scream of laughter, because that's just the kind of guy he is. Romar stopped his pursuit of Alex, and turned around, growling maliciously. "Grorgh bltth reeeet vlagdorth!" he yelled at Steve, making him laugh even harder. Steve stopped laughing when Romar got up, and half-shod, limped toward him. His nose was flattened against his face and his hair was sticking out every which way. He hissed and moaned as he loped in Steve's direction. Unfortunately, the sound of Romar hissing got Steve "going" again and he fell to the ground, paralyzed with mirth. Ravenwand stood stock-still, too terrified to do anything. |
Alex ran down Mulberry Street. She looked over her shoulder to see that the clown had turned his attentions to Steve and Ravenwand. Serves them right for being old and slow, thought Alex. Then she slowed down to a trot so she wouldn't run out of breath before she was finally reunited with her Princesses. They couldn't be very far away. She could hear tom-toms in the distance. |
| But then Alex stopped short. Steve and Ravenward had done a lot to help her along the way. Maybe she should put up with their slowness for just a little while longer and see what's going on..surely they should have caught up with her by now. But that serves them right for not believing me and being scared of that clown thing..so scary it was. With that Alex turned and slowly went back to face her nightmares - that clown. |
| Alex armed herself with clown-banishing accessories; a seltzer bottle, a rubber chicken, a jar of Vaseline, (to remove grease paint) one of those joy buzzers, fake vomit, some duct tape and a Chinese finger trap. She stashed all her goodies in a plastic grocery bag, hopped atop her miniature unicycle and peddled quickly toward her friends; praying she wasn't too late. When she got to the scene, Steve was still rolling on the ground laughing. Romar had the terrified Ravenwand strapped to a tree with elongated balloons and was repeatedly squirting her in the face with the flower on his lapel. "Take THIS, you grease-painted goon!" Alex shouted heroically. She thwapped him in the back of the head with her rubber chicken. Romar turned around, and thrust his chest forward like he was going to squirt Alex too. But when he squeezed, nothing came out. Looking confused, he bent his head down and examined the dry flower. He squeezed the small bulb of water again, and nothing. "Rut roh!" muttered Romar. "Yeah, you better Rut-roh, you rainbow-haired circus freak!" She grasped his hand and joy-buzzed it, then slathered the Vaseline on his face. "This is for all the nightmares in my childhood about clowns!" she tearfully shouted as she duct taped romar to an adjacent tree. She threw the fake vomit at him, tears streaming down her face. Alex was too distraught to continue, so Steve leapt into action and grabbed the "gag bag". Adding a few surprise goodies from his magic pockets, he resumed the assault on the unfortunate clown. |
Ravenwand laughed. Steve whirled on her and shouted, "No! Nobody laugh! That's what he wants! That's how he gets his jollies." Alex shuddered. Ravenwand clamped her teeth tightly together. Steve went to work on the clown, cleaning him up, wiping away the funny paint, tossing aside the rubber nose. Then he turned to the girls, "Don't look. I'm changinging his clothes." Off came the clown's pants and Steve had difficulty holding in a laugh, but he soon had the clown dressed in conservative casual attire, nicely groomed, and looking anything but funny. "There," Steve said. "Meet Romar the Reformed Clown." "Oooo," said Ravenwand. "He cleans up real good, Steve. You should look so good." |
| Alex looked at the clown now done up in a business suit and found herself smiling despite herself. "That's great Steve!" she said. |
| Ravenwand thought Romar looked great, almost attractive. She batted her eyelashes at the rehab and he smiled at her. That squashed any romantic feelings she had developed. Romar's teeth were broken and stained, and one of his front teeth were missing entirely. Steve looked at her and rolled his eyes. "Awww come on Steve, don't look at me like that, you know how I am about a guy having good teeth!" |
| Romar growled. "The better to EAT you with! Har har har har!" Alex jumped back. "Steve! His mind is still deformed!" "Well, geez, Alex. I can't open up his head and clean that out can I?" "But, Steve? What good does it do to have him looking clean and sharp in a business suit if he's still a corrupt bastard in his head?" Steve scratched his chin. "We could run him for a political office..." Ravenwand nodded. "You might have something there..." Romar roared. "Me wanna be see ee oh!" "What's he saying, Steve?" "I think he wants to be a C.E.O., a chief operating officer... you know, the head of a major corporation." Ravenwand nodded her head more vigorously. "Yes, even better! And then he could give us all high-paying jobs!" "What makes you think I want a job?" Romar winked at Alex and emitted a long low growl of pleasure. |
| Alex started thinking that this was not where she wanted to be..and bolted away. Anywhere would have to be better than here she thought. |
| But halfway down the beaten path she stopped. Romar's growl of pleasure had caused a chemical reaction in her body. She seemed somehow... oddly... attracted. "No, no that can't possibly be, my heart belongs to my princesses!" she thought out loud. But alas, that strange stirring in her loins persisted. A few steps further she realized it wasn't attraction she was feeling, but the urge to take a large dump. It had been a while, and she couldn't even remember going since Mickey D's. She had to admit that creepy deformed reformed clown scared the doody out of her. She darted behind a tree and did her business. From behind the tree she could hear Steve and Ravenwand talking. "Steve, I know Romar was creepy and all, but I kind of feel guilty leaving him strapped to that tree!" "It's all right, Ravenwand, I am sure he will chew through his binds eventually. Hopefully we will be far far away by then; or at least in the protection of the tribe of Princesses." Alex finished up quickly and wiped with some innocent looking three-leafed plant that was vining its way up a tree. "I wonder where Alex ran off?" Ravenwand said. "I don't know, but I think Romar scared the doody out of her!" "Steve?" "What?" "I have never heard you use the word doody." "BOO!" Shouted Alex as she jumped from behind the tree. Steve and Ravenwand screamed and ran without looking back. They turned around only when they heard Alex in hysterical laughter behind them. "That little..." Ravenwand growled. "Take it easy, it was just a joke!" Steve assured her, but his heart was pounding so loud he was afraid she might be able to hear it. Alex eventually got up, and scratched her behind. |
"Well! Are we off to the Princesses then?" The three adventurers linked arms and skipped off down Mulberry Street singing, "We're off to see the Princesses, the beautiful Princesses of Amnesia Land!" They stumbled a bit, because there seemed to be too many syllables in their song to sing it and skip at the same time, but no one fell down and soon they could smell campfire smoke and hear the beat of the tom-toms. |
| "They're here! They're here!" Alex said running towards the princesses "My darlings!" They looked up happily smiling "ALEX!" they all rushed at Alex bowling her over. "Do you guys have a witch doctor?" Alex asked when she could finally breathe again. "Yeah..." |
| "Well, we have two problems...make that three. First off, Ravenwand's eye is injured, Steve keeps acting mental, and My butt itches something fierce!" The Witch doctor, who appeared as if wished there, said "Let me see-um Butt." "OOoookay." Alex stammered, and reluctantly pulled down her shorts. She wondered why the witch doctor completely ignored her friends' problems. "Me see-um many red spots, Blisters, runny. You have-um Herpes." "HERPES?" Alex screamed "There is NO WAY I have Herpes!" "No way-um?" asked the Witch doctor, incredulously. "Yes, no way-um, you-um idiot-um, I-um want-um an-um second-um opinion...um!" "Sheesh no need to get sarcastic, chica!" replied the doctor in perfectly unaffected English, "Did you perhaps wipe your 'area' with a three-leafed plant?" "Uh...yeah?" mumbled Alex. "Well, it is clear you are suffering the after effects of Toxicodendron radicans poisoning." "Toxicodendron radicawhatsis?" "Toxicodendron radicans, also known as Poison Ivy." The witch doctor handed her a small tube of ointment and a bottle of pills that were bigger than lima beans. "Take two of these pills each morning, and rub the ointment on your hiney every time it itches. The rash should clear up in three weeks." "Three weeks?" screamed Alex, before she fainted. Steve extracted a puce-colored vial from his pocket and walked menacingly toward the witch doctor. Ravenwand just stood there, her eroded cornea watering so badly it was soaking through the bandage on her eye. The princesses fawned around Alex, fanning her with large tree leaves. |
Steve grabbed the witch doctor's collar. "You must treat my friend Ravenwand! Here eye is sick!" The witch doctor shook Steve loose. "Easy there. Her turn was next." Steve held up his hand. "Can anybody tell me why I have a puce-colored vial in my hand?" The Princesses were clustered around Alex, catching up on all the news since they had last seen each other. |
| "Pass me that, it was for Alex," Princess Mayflower said taking the vial out of Steve's hand. Thankfully Steve had rescued it from getting smashed on the ground when Alex fainted. "We will nurse you back to health," Princess Springflower said picking up Alex in her arms and carrying her out to the royal tent. |
| Ravenwand looked at Steve, Steve looked at Ravenwand. His chin began to tremble, and his eyes welled up with tears. "That mean old princess took my puce filled glass thingy!" he wept openly, like a child who had his poptart stolen by the family dog. Ravenwand looked confused. She knew his mental state shifted to fit the mood of this strange adventure land, but crying over a vial of snot colored liquid was a bit over the top. She knew the only thing to do was to slap him. Ravenwand drew back her hand, then erased it and made a mighty swipe at Steve, while wincing at her own horrid pun. She missed Steve, and slapped the witch doctor right full in the face. The witch doctor brandished his tom tom at Ravenwand. Ravenwand was scared. |
As well she should be, because the witch doctor was now in no mood to treat Ravenwand's eye. Once again Ravenwand had shot herself in the foot. Of course, Steve was happy about that, since she had made him cry. Steve scratched his chin and mused about the many possible bad things that could happen to Ravenwand if he happened to thing of them. But no, Steve was basically a cheerful guy, not inclined to harm others, so he gave Ravenwand a 30-foot coil of rope. In his pocket he crumpled up the warning sticker that he had removed from the rope. Using too much rope can cause death by accidental hanging Meanwhile, Princess Springflowwer was nursing Alex back to health. "Wake up, my darling. I know you must have had a terrible time." Alex's eyes fluttered and she muttered, "No... not the clown... make it go away..." |
| "Darling? The clown?" Princess Winterflower said leaning towards Alex. "What clown honey?" Princess Springflower said. "Get the clown away from me get it away!" Alex winced as she rolled over thrashing on the bed. |
| Ravenwand wondered why Steve handed her a rope. She had thought he was just happy to see her, then he hauled this enormous rope out of his pocket. What a disappointment. The witch doctor nudged her, so she wouldn't forget he was brandishing his tom toms. Ravenwand turned her attention back to the witch doctor, grabbed the menacing tom-tom and said; "You WILL treat my eye, or I will give YOU a corneal erosion. See how YOU like it!" Steve was impressed. He had never seen Ravenwand stick up for herself like that. He surreptitiously stashed the rope back in his pocket, and adjusted it. Among all the cooing of the princesses, and the whimpering of the now terrified witch doctor, faint tinkling music could be heard in the distance. |
The witch doctor applied a patch of medicianal mud to Ravenwand's eye. "Now you jooost lie there and rest. Soooon you eye be much better." "Thank you," said Ravenwand. "Do you hear tiny bells?" At the other side of the room Princess Mayflower shook her head sadly and said to Princess Springflower, "Do you think our unconscious darling Alex is living outside of her head?" "You mean is she wacko? Bonkers? Loony?" "Yes, something like that. She keeps mumbling something about a clown. I wonder why?" Princess Springflower scrunched up her cute little nose and touched the tip of it with her finger. "Maybe she wants us to find a clown for her?" Alex thrashed more vigorously and moaned. |
| Deep in her unconscious mind, Alex was reliving the horror of Romar The Deformed clown. She freaking hated clowns. Ever since that birthday party when her mom hired one. He had horribly applied paint on his face, reeked of alcohol and projectile vomited on her while trying to tie a balloon into a poodle. She needed years of therapy to overcome that trauma, and now, thanks to her new found friends, she was reliving that very horror. She continued to thrash, and the tinkling music was becoming louder. Steve whimpered and hid behind a tree. Ravenwand was so scared she wet herself. Steve in turn laughed so hard he fell on his face and hit his forehead on a nearby jagged rock. The witch doctor rushed over to him and began attending to his wound. Meanwhile, Ravenwand was becoming uncomfortable with her wet drawers and stupid feeling. She could see the business suited abomination with the scaly green feet loping toward her. He was more hideous than ever. His hair was frizzed out and his teeth were jagged and dripping decay. He was panting, and had sweat running down his horrible countenance. He was three feet from Ravenwand, when he stopped suddenly. He sniffed the air, looked at Ravenwand’s urine soaked pants and turned away, running and yelping like a dog. “It Look-ums like pee pee makeum the clown leave the Tee-pee!” the witch doctor screeched while laughing. “Shut up.” deadpanned Ravenwand. |
"Can it be true?" asked Steve. "Do we merely need to pee to scare off the evil clown? But I don't have an unlimited supply. What happens when I run out?" Alex moaned and thrashed. Steve tapped Princess Springflower on the shoulder. "Why doesn't Alex wake up?" Princess Springflower shrugged her shoulders. "She is reliving a childhood trauma. But it must be a very big trauma." Alex whimpered. "No.... no.... not the poodle.... OH NOOOOOO! .... Mom! Mom! The clown! THE CLOWN! AIIIEEEEE!" |
| Alex slept on tossing and turning and screaming. Steve and Ravenward just looked at her, worried that there was something they could be doing. Could they just leave Alex like this? |
Ravenwand looked at Steve. Steve looked at Ravenwand. There was a mutual shrugging of shoulders and an equally mutual wry expression of: "Well, what can you do?" Then they shook hands and walked 20 paces away from each other. When Ravenwand whirled around with a gun in her hand, Steve was quick-witted enough to holler out, "Whoa! What do you think you're doing?" "Sorry, old sport!" Ravenwand said, adjusting her monocle. "I thought we were in for a bit of a duel." "Nawwww, we ain't, Missy." Steve spat out a chaw of tobaccy. "I think ye might be a leetle teched in the head." "Sorry, old chap, but no one has touched my head. You're a bit of mistaken... or possibly a bloody liar who deserves to be shot!" Ravenwand raised her gun and took dead aim at Steve's forehead. "Wait! Wait!" If you shoot my forehead that will only leave me with three heads!" "I knew he deserved to die..." murmured Ravenwand as she squeezed the trigger. The gun went "Bang!", emitted a small cloud of smoke, and then a little flag that unfurled to read: "Bang!" "Aha..." said Steve, "...but which bang was the real one?" The witch doctor walked over. "Excuse me, honorable sir, but the bang that is real and the bang that is unreal are coexistent expressions of the ideal eternal bang, for all that is and ever was and will be exist now. It is just that we mere mortals with our limited consciousness can only perceive that moment of time through which..." But the witch doctor's explanation was cut short when Ravenwand shot him. This time, inexplicably, instead of a flag, a bullet emerged from her gun, traveled rapidly through the air, and penetrated the witch doctor's skull. "Is there a medicine man in the house?" yelled Steve to the crowd which had rapidly assembled while the echoes of the gunshot faded away. A little old lady spoke up. "I think I saw a clown over there near the hot dog cart. Will he do?" Alex thrashed in her sleep and screamed. "Shhh..." whispered Steve. "You'll wake up the lunatic." "Oh, the poor girl..." murmured the old lady. "A lunatic... how awful for the dear thing." Steve smiled. "Well, I only use the term 'lunatic' as an affectionate nickname. She's actually relatively sane, just very disturbed psychologically." "Oh... well that's alright then. Do you think she'd like one of my cookies?" Ravenwand tapped Steve on the shoulder. "Don't you think you might be bumping up against your '7000 characters' limit by now?" "I don't know, Ravey. I'll just stop for a moment and check." |
| Ravenwand put down her gun. “Ravey? You called me Ravey? That’s just so freakin sweet!” a tear emerged from the corner of her eye and slid slowly down beside her nose and onto her upper lip. When the gun fell to the floor, it dislodged again and shot the lady in the audience, who in turn crumpled into a lifeless heap. “Well, there goes my 7,000th character!” Steve cheerfully blurted, as he leapt off the stage and snatched the plate of cookies from her still warm hands and shoved one of them (the cookies, not the hands) into the witch doctors’ mouth. The wound in the witch doctor’s forehead magically healed, the small pieces of his cerebellum re-entering the gaping hole. “Wow, these cookies must have magical healing powers!” stage-whispered Ravenwand. “Ayup, they shore do!” garbled the lifeless corpse of the old lady from the audience. Steve and Ravenwand didn’t know whether to scream or laugh. Steve heroically leapt over to Alex and forced one of the cookies down her parched throat. She instantly stopped thrashing and screaming, and sat up. “Got milk?” she asked him. “Nope!” he said. “SLAP!” went the hand of Alex against Steve’s face. It must have been a miracle that Bossy the Wonder Cow happened to wander onto the stage at that very moment. Steve rushed over to the massive black and white creature and grasped one of her teats firmly. “Open up, Alex, here’s your milk!” he said, in a voice that was a little too perverse for Ravenwand’s liking. Steve squeezed the teat, and nothing came out. He squeezed again and again. Still no milk. Finally, the witch doctor walked over to Steve, put a hand on his shoulder, and calmly said, “Perhaps now would be a good time to tell you that’s a boy cow.” |
| "It is?" Steve said looking at it in wonderment? "Then where's the girl one?" The witch doctor simply pointed to another cow. Steve couldn't really tell the difference between that cow and this one but he decided that it didn't really matter..so long as Alex got her milk. He gently went to the cow and asked. "Um hi, I'm Steve..and you are?" "MOO!" said the cow. "Ok Moo, we have to get some milk over to our friend Alex, do you think you could help?" "One moo for yes, two for no," Ravenward said giggling. "Moo!" said the cow. "Ok good, come on then," Steve said as he proudly walked over to Alex, "look Alex I got you some milk!" Alex looked up at Steve, who was proudly standing in front of her bed. There was no cow, no glass, not even a milk carton. Steve turned to get Alex her milk but realised that the cow hadn't moved. So he walked over to behind the cow and gently started pushing it to try and move it towards Alex. "I wouldn't suggest that you do that," the witch doctor said. |
"Why not?" Steve said, always ready to question authority. "Because I don't make suggestions," said the witch doctor. "Why do they call you a WITCH doctor? Are YOU a witch, or are you a doctor FOR witches?" "Neither. Actually I'm a WHICH doctor, but the people around here pronounce HI like IT." Steve scratched his chin. "So instead of saying 'Hit the white ball while it rolls' they would say 'Iit the wiite ball witle it rolls'?" "Possibly. I didn't know you were going to do a 10-page analysis of the phenomena." Ravenwand tugged Steve's shoulder. "Stee-e-eeve, I'm bored." Alex wandered over. "Yeah, me too." With a shrug of his shoulders, Steve told the which doctor good-bye, linked arms with the two women, and they went skipping off down the path as the stage lights dimmed and the curtain closed. The audience began chattering among themselves about what they had seen. Many walked out to the lobby for some refreshments. One little boy jumped up on stage and tried to peek through the curtains, but a stagehand pushed him back into the audience. Backstage in the dressing room Ravenwand was smoking a cigarette and taking a long swallow of whiskey from the silver flask on her dresser, a gift from a previous husband. Alex leaned against a wall, looking through hooded eyes at Ravenwand. "You did a good job out there," she said. Ravenwand glanced at her. "Thanks. Did anyone ever find out what happened to Ann?" Alex sighed. "No... Steve thinks she was murdered. But since they haven't found the body, who knows?" "The police are investigating it?" "Oh, yeah. But I don't think they are putting much effort into it. No leads." A buzzer sounded and a stagehand stuck his head through the door. "Act Two, ladies! Curtain in 3 minutes!" |
| Looking with horror at the cigarette in her hand, Ravenwand crushed it violently in the ashtray. “Why the hell am I smoking, you KNOW I don’t smoke! Jeez-o-peets, this adventure is changing my whole personality!” Ravenwand took a sip from the flask and choked. She looked at the jeweled silver container like it was a tapeworm and threw it across the room, shattering a lighted back stage make-up mirror. “You’re gonna have to pay for that, you know!” Steve helpfully offered. “Shut up.” she spat back at him. “And I hate the taste of whiskey, what has become of me?” Ravenwand wept openly, her stage make-up flowing down her face making her eerily resemble Romar. Angus McCracken came over to the weeping woman. Angus was the actor who portrayed Romar in the final chapters of the first act. He removed his prosthetic teeth, frizzy wig and huge feet. Without his Romar makeup, Angus was actually quite attractive. I would have dated this man, thought Ravenwand to herself, if only his first name didn’t sound like ‘anus’. “Angus, you massive twit!” laughed Alex from the corner. “You scared the bejesus out of me back there. I think you are getting into your character a little too much!” “Yeah! He hee! It’s kind of fun. You know what?” Angus asked the trio of friends, “It was an interesting impromptu touch, shooting that old lady in the audience!” “That wasn’t an impromptu touch.” Steve said, his face emotionless. “What the?” Angus screamed, his eyes wide with panic. “PSYCH!! screamed Steve, Ravenwand and Alex in unison. “You little sh**s!” laughed Angus, nervously. His heart was pounding a bit too loud. Larry the bespectacled stage hand with the curious lisp peeked back stage. “two minuths till act two, folkths!” Steve danced around in a perfect imitation of Larry, making Angus, Alex and Ravenwand giggle uncontrollably. Larry peeked around again, his pudgy face a knitted mask of fury. “Sthhhhththtssshhhhhhh!” he lisped, in a desperate attempt to make them be quiet, “The flippin’ audienth will hear you!” Steve stood up straight, the very epitome of thespianism. “Let’s go on with the show, folks!” he proudly said, and strode on stage to begin act two of the Amnesia Adventure. |
| "And curtain!" Was heard yelled behind them. The curtains somehow managed to get about two inches across and then suddenly stop still. Steve wandered over to see if there was anything that he could do to get the curtains to completely open and ravenward and alex took one curtain each and started trying to pull it aside. The curtain started to wobble and Alex and Ravenward yelled out "BOMBS AWAY!" Before taking a head dive into the audience a second before the curtain came crashing to the middle of the stage floor. "No! No! No!" said a little bald man with glasses coming slowly down the steps towards the stage. "That's not what I wanted at all!" "Who are you?" Alex asked. "I'm the director," he said. "oh yes..I think I remember you..didn't you play the witch doctor or was it the which doctor..before?" "I played the WHAT?" he asked furiously. "Erm..nothing..." Alex said gently. |
"Herr Director, can we get some decent curtains for the frickin' theater?" Herr Director tapped his long silver cigar holder and watched the ash fall off the end of his thin imported cigar. "Yes, Steve, vee can get zum new curtains and maybe vee can get zum NEW ACTORS TO GO VITH THE NEW CURTAINS!" "Geez! It was just a suggestion." "I told you I don't do suggestions." "Yes, sir." Ravenwand tentatively raised her hand. "Umm.. What about the show?" She nodded her head toward the audience where restlessness could be heard in the form of mumbling, paper rustling, coughing, and an occasional shout of "Get on with the bloody show!" Herr Director fluttered a hand toward the stage. "Yah, der show vill go on. Do it! The curtains are open. Do your thing. Act!" Steve and Ravenwand and Alex scrambled back up on stage, adjusted their wigs, and launched into Act Two. |
| They ambled onto stage, Steve breaking into a Vaudville like soft shoe. Alex and Ravenwand acted as his background dancers and started flapping their arms uncontrollably, in an effort to gain some sort of response from the audience. Suddenly from stage left, Angus appeared, in his full Romar make up. His song went something like this: “ Eat You, To the tune of Memory, From “Cats” Eat you, I am going to eat you! With my bad orthodontia, I will gnaw on your flesh… When I chew you, You are going to scream in pain, And then you will, Writhe and moan. Eat you! Oh my gosh I will eat you! I will tinkle my xylo, And I’ll tie my balloons. If you’re lucky, I’ll squirt you with my Boutennaire too! Then I’ll honk, upon my nose! Every actor, Gets to play, A role that’s made just for him , When I get through, With my gnawing of you, My seltzer will be soaking! Eat you, I cannot wait to eat you, Let me masticate slowly Epidermal layers, When the dawn comes You all will be A pile of bones! And the po-lice, will not find you… (Musical interlude. Several audience members wipe their teary eyes, and Alex starts convulsing from fear) My rainbow hair, Will frizz with glee When you are naught but bones! And when you die, The star of the show will be I And you, will be forgotten! (Dramatic increase in octave, crescendo of music, Angus switches to his falsetto voice, sounding more like Tiny Tim than a man) Eat you! I just can’t wait to eat you! And become the thespian, That I knew I could be, When I dispose of What used to be The trio of you… Then I’ll be A happy…. (Angus looks skyward, tears streaming down his painted face, his trembling voice hitting a high C) Clown Steve looked at Angus, with a “What the flying Hell” expression on his face. He extracted a vial of bright red liquid from his pocket and smashed it at Angus’ feet. Angus immediately collapsed and the audience erupted in thunderous applause. Steve took a polite bow. |
| As the audience clapped,Steve blew kisses. "Thank you! Thank you!" A long hook came out and yanked Steve off his feet. The audience booed and stamped their feet and began rhythmic clapping. Herr Director paced back and forth backstage. "Acht! Dis is a hard crowd. Ve must give them something special to chew on. Alex! Can you still do your Little Bo Peep number?" Alex jumped up. "I think so, Herr Director. I'm pretty sure my curly blonde wig is clean." "Goot! Goot! Ravenwand! Steve! Put on your sheepskins! Ve have a show to do, people!" |
| Steve and Ravenwand trudged backstage. “I hate that freaking costume, it smells funny” Ravenwand complained. “Yeah, I know what you mean, but what Herr director wants, Herr director usually gets!” Steve retorted. “Of course, but do you see the way he sweats, and his eyes glaze over? I tell you Steve, it’s enough to give you the creeps.” “Nothing can be as creepy as Angus’ opus,” Steve offered. Alex came rushing toward them. “I need help!” She tearfully said, “My wig is missing! I can’t go on stage looking like this! Little Bo Peep’s hair was NOT this modern!” “Well maybe we can “Modernize” the rest of the skit!” Steve replied, while taking off his sheep head. “Yeah! Here, let me help!” Ravenwand approached Alex with a pair of scissors. In no time at all, she had an ultra modern genie inspired flowing costume constructed, and Alex was grinning widely. Steve removed Ravenwand’s sheep head and fake feet. “It’s the essence of sheep they really want, not the whole Genus Ovis!” he proudly declared. Herr director was watching from behind the heavy cotton curtain, and did not look happy. |
| Herr Director came running over. "Look! Look! I found der vig! It vas in my office! I forgot I vas trying it on last night." "You gotta be kidding me, I have to do this stupid number?" Alex muttered as she put on her wig with some help from Ravenwand and got her little white stick with the bow all ready. "Curtains everybody!" the director called out. "Oh joy," Alex muttered sarcastically. |
The applause thundered as the curtain went up on a brightly lit stage set with a fence railing and some painted hills. Alex walked out on stage in her big hoop skirt with a belly dancer top and her blonde curly wig. Steve and Ravenwand shuffled into place in the wings in their wooly sheepskin suits. A hush fell over the audience as the lights dimmed and a lone spotlight illuminated Alex. "I'm little Bo Peep and I've lost my sheep. Oh where, oh where can they be?" Someone snickered in the audience and said, "Look under your skirt." There were a few giggles and then some shushing. Alex, being a veteran of the stage, ignored the unruly audience and continued her recitation. When she got to "Oh here's one now!" Steve noticed that Ravenwand had fallen asleep so he kicked her in the leg and said "Ravey! You're on!" |
Ravey didn't budge. She was snoring like a buzz saw. Steve leaned over and whispered in her ear, "If you don't wake up Herr Director will give your sheep role to Angus..." |
| Ravenwand snorted awake at the sound of Steve's voice. Evidently she had been so sleepy she had forgotten her role in the adventure. She wiped the drool off her arm and said, "ANGUS? How could they possibly give my sheep role to that buffoon, all he ever wanted to be is a psychotic clown!" A dead hush fell over the audience, then mild muttering began. Ravenwand was confused, until Steve whispered in her ear. "Ravey, Angus hasn't left the stage, he can hear everything you are saying." One person Ravenwand didn't want on her bad side was Angus. He may have good teeth, but other than that, he gave her the creeps. There was just something not right about that man. Suddenly, and apparently for no reason, a sheep burst forth from underneath Alex's hoop skirt. Alex screamed, and the sheep skittered across the stage, bleating wildly. |
| "Oh screw it, if there's going to be problems like here I'm outta here," Alex said as she walked straight off stage leaving the two sheep by themselves in the middle of the stage. |
For a moment the two sheep stared at the audience like deer caught in the headlights of a car. Then Johny sheep gathered his wits about him and cleared his throat. "Ahem... For our first number we'd like to do a little ditty called Baa Baa Baa..." Herr Director was pulling his hair. "Vut are those nimvits up to? Dis is not in der script!" Johny and Adele (the sheep) were well into the first verse now: When you walk through the snow with a sweater on your chest Do you know that a sheep had to give his very best? For a sheep grew the fleece that a shearer turned to wool Then a spinner made the yarn that a knitter had to pull Making lots of sweaters till the storeman's shelves were full Now you know our story and it ain't no bull. Baaaaa baba baaaa ba baaaaaa.... "Get those sheep off the stage!" yelled Herr Director. |
| Adele bowed and for a brief moment, Steve stared. He had never seen such a fine example of Ovine beauty. He began applauding loudly, while Ravenwand stared at him in disbelief. Herr Director stormed onto the stage. "Vaht is dis debauchery! I vill rrip your heddz ofv and Serrve them to ze fire antz!" Adele looked at Herr Director and decided she didn't like him very much. She lowered her head once his back was turned, and rammed her head right into the bend of his knees. Herr Director tumbled to the floor cursing loudly in German. Angus strutted in from stage left. Instead of dressing like Romar, he appeared to be clothed as Adolf Hitler. |
| Alex clapped from where she was side stage..that silly wig never really worked for her anyway. "go ravenward Go!" she called out smiling and cheering. Ravenward frowned and started heading towards the exit. "COME BACK Ravenward COME BACK!" Alex said as she started to race after her. |
Ravenwand began walking around in small circles like a clockwork robot. Angus shrugged his shoulders and stepped up on stage. "Heil!" he called to the audience, which promptly began to boo and throw things at him. Steve joined the stagehands watching Ravenwand march in tight precise circles with her arms clamped to her sides. "I think there may be something wrong with her," Steve said. Herr Director growled. "Nuttink dat a svift kick in der butt vud not cure!" "Oh, don't hurt her!" Alex moaned. "Listen! She's trying to say something!" |
| "FOR SOME REASON I KEEP FORGETTING IT IS MY TURN!!" Ravenwand yelled, as she collapsed into Steves arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "PUleeeEEEEZE forgive me!" she wailed. Steve was so shocked he held his arms to the side. Ravenwand slid down his chest and thudded to the ground. There she lay, sobbind like an infant in the midst of a temper tantrum, and Steve could do nothing but look at Alex with one eyebrow arched. "Comfort her, you dork!" Alex suggested. With his right hand, he patted her back a couple of times. No result. "Um, Alex? She ain't responding!" "Perhaps you should try a little harder,DEAR." Steve looked at her confused, then broke into a soft shoe parody of the Sound of Music. He was halfway through "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" when Ravenwand actually looked at him. She began laughing hysterically and wouldn't stop. "Now what?" Steve asked Angus, who by now was standing beside Alex, looking at her with hungry eyes. |
Johnny and Adele (the sheep) wandered over and stood like small children with big dark eyes looking at the grown-ups. Angus was licking his lips and making smacking sounds. His hungry eyes were as big as dinner plates. Alex noticed all the big eyes and her eyes grew wide and round in surprise. Steve's eyes narrowed. What was going on with the eyes in here? Ever alert to strangeness, he hollered, "Hey! Something weird is going on!" Johnny looked at Adele and said, "Duh!" |
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