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Invaders from Mars build a giant poison donkey out of old beverage cans |
| [Introduction] We'll get to the giant poison donkey in a bit, but first..... |
 "Angela! You're naked! Why are you naked?" Angela was startled but she looked down and sure enough... bare skin. She clamped her arms around herself and blushed.  "Ummm... I forgot to put my clothes on! Sorry!" She backed out of the room.Her cousin Ivan turned to his two guests and shrugged his shoulders. "She can be a little absent-minded sometimes." The green guest shouted, "Play some funky music, earth boy!" The yellow guest giggled.  "Heehee! Funky!"Ivan rolled his eyes  and put another cube in the musicalodeon. The tinny sounds of a mambette drifted around the room. ♪♪♪ |
| Running to her room, Angela chastised herself. "How could you forget to put your clothes on, you willy nilly silly head?" she said to herself. "Next, you'll even forget your beanie!" She felt her curly blonde hair and sighed in to realize that the little blue propeller beanie that Ivan had given her before was still there."Hmm...now what should I wear?" Angela asked,  , as she flung open her closet doors to reveal a profusion of clothes in every hue and shade."I have nothing to wear!" Angela  ied and sat upon her bed with a flounce. "Nothing!" |
"Why don't you wear your polka dot party dress?" the flounce asked.  "Don't speak to me," Angela said. "I told you last night I don't talk to flounces." "But Great Jumping Whillikers! You slept with me but you can't talk to me?" Angela clamped her hand over the flounce's mouth. "SHHHH! Do you think I want everyone in Green Acres to know I slept with a flounce? And what's a whilliker?" "What's a Green Acres?" "What's a hen weigh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" There was a knock on the door and a muffled voice said. "Angela? Are you okay in there? It sounds like you're talking to yourself again." "I'm okay!" Angela called. But she knew she wasn't really okay. She was naked, sitting on her bed, talking to a flounce. That wasn't right.  She should be out there with Ivan and his guests. |
| "Okay, I will pick something out to wear!" Angela said determinedly, ignoring the flounce, who pouted at her. "This?" she said to herself, pulling out a futuristic shiny spacesuit. "Hmm...perhaps not." Clothes littered her bed in a heap before she finally decided on the perfect dress. It was gorgeous and sweet and cute and beautiful... "Angela, that's a garbage bag," the flounce pointed out. "Oh," Angela ed. "How about this, then?" She put on the polka dot party dress. The flounce wisely refrained from comment that it had wanted her to wear that in the first place."I'm ready!" Angela exclaimed in delight , twirling herself out. |
Unfortunately, she twirled herself out the window, but fortunately, there was a big soft shrub below and her party dress was not overly damaged. She rang the front doorbell. "Hello?" said her cousin Ivan. "Have you come to the party then?" "Hi!" said Angela. "Thanks for inviting me!" "Were you attacked on the way here?" "What? This?" said Angela, holding up a portion of her dress that was ripped and shredded. "Yes, I was. By a bush." "Not a George bush?" Angela giggled. "No, silly! Are you going to let me in?" |
| Ivan regarded her doubtfully. "I suppose..." he said, opening the door wider. "Um, it would help if you stopped standing in the doorway," Angela pointed out. Ivan ed and stepped out of the way."I've arrived!" Angela exclaimed happily, twirling around again and nearly falling over. Everyone regarded her strangely. "You were already here," one of the other guests said. "You were just naked." "Never mind that!" Angela snapped. "That was an...accident. Yes, an accident." "You were accidentally naked?" he said skeptically. "What, your clothes just fell off?" "How did you know?" Angela said in . "I thought that was a secret!" |
"No secrets from me!" said the green guest.  Angela smiled. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your guests, Ivan?"Ivan pointed at the green guest. "That's Goop. He's a Martian. And that yellow thing over there is a Snotwad." "Hey!" said the yellow guest. "I'm not a Snotwad!" Angela shook hands with Goop. "So pleased to meet you. Are you really a Martian?" Goop flexed his antenna and swiveled one of his eyes to look directly at Angela. "You think I am from somewhere else? Where?" Angela gulped. "Mars will do. How did you meet Ivan?" |
Goop twisted his whole head around while thinking about it. Angela's stomach jumped, making her feel  ."He was behind me in the line at Starbucks," Goop finally said. Angela gaped at him. "Starbucks?" she said weakly. Goop nodded a stalk. "Of course. How else could I start my day without a double white chocolate mocha?" "Wow..." Angela trailed off in a daze. "And you, um, Mr. Snotwad?" "I am NOT a Snotwad!" the guest yelled again. "Then what are you?" Angela asked, . "You look kind of...funny..." |
"I'm a Snit," said the yellow guest. "That's why I'm so little. But don't think I can't be mean if I have to be!"  Angela backed up. "I didn't mean to..." "Oh don't worry about that little snotwad," Ivan said. "He's all talk." "Grrrrr!" said the Snit. "Ivan!" Angela said. "You shouldn't speak so badly to your guests! He's a cute little snit." "I'm not cute!" the Snit shouted. Goop put down the newspaper he was reading. "Oh, for Jiminy Cricket's sake, pipe down, will ya? It's Sunday morning and you're raising hell. Put some ice water in your britches." "Anybody want some more coffee?" Ivan asked. |
"Yes, please!" Angela said quickly, jumping up. She was still  ed about that look the Snit had given her about calling it "cute.""Okay," Ivan said, but first...he poured ice water down the Snit's britches. "Hey!" the Snit shouted angrily. "What did you do that for?""Because he told me to!" Ivan said pointing at Goop. "I'm sure I have no idea what you mean," Goop said primly. Angela heavenward. Ivan's party was turning into a disaster! |
"Isn't this a great party?" Ivan said as he brought in the coffee. "A real disaster!" "Here! Here!" said the Goop. "Yes, I thrive on calamity. It invigorates the soul... like coffee. Give me a larger cup please." "That's the largest cup I have." "Then I will drink from a bowl. Is that not a thing you have like a large cup?" "Yes," Ivan said. "It's a thing I have, but it's not like a cup. It has no handle. Cups have handles." "Ruffles have ridges!" said the Snit. "And every cloud has a silver lining," said Goop as he whacked the Snit in the back of the head. "Grrrrr!" said the Snit and kicked Goop in the shin. "Look!" Angela cried. "I have a prize  for the boy who can sit still the longest!"Goop and the Snit quickly assumed "sit still" positions on the sofa, each peeking at the other from the corner of his eye. Angela tugged at Ivan's sleeve and whispered "Who in Donald's name ARE these weirdos?" "Shhhh!" Ivan said. "It's just a little business deal of mine. Something big is going down and I want a piece of my finger in the pie." He gazed fondly at the two silent forms on the sofa, but the silence was broken. "You moved!" the Snit shouted. "Liar!" screamed Goop. |
"Stop it!" Angela cried, . "If you don't stop it, neither of you get a prize!  !"They sulked, but stopped screaming at each other, at least. The arguing was replaced by an eerie silence, forecast by the sign "eerie" hanging over their heads. "You know, you really should do something about that sign," Angela commented. "It's just kind of creepy." "Hey, I like it!" Ivan said defensively. "I think it fits with the ambience of the room." "Do you even know what ambience means?" Angela asked. Ivan ed."Of course I do!" he said. "What is it then?" |
"It's that big white truck that carries sick people to the hospital." "That's an AMBULANCE, you big dummy! An ambience is a little pink truck that carries sick pets to the veterinarian." Ivan nodded his head. "Yeah. Well I knew it had something to do with wheels." "EVERYTHING has something to do with wheels!" Angela said. "Huh? Not everything! What do bananas have to do with wheels?" "Banana truck? Do you think bananas walk to the grocery market?" "How about that oak tree in my front yard. What does IT have to do with wheels?" Angela stared at Ivan. "I'm not going to tell you." Ivan smiled, knowing he had won. He looked at Goop and the Snit, sitting eerily silent on the sofa. "Listen up, everybody! It's time to play another game. Anybody have a preference?" |
| "Not another sit still game," Goop said defiantly. "Of course not," Ivan replied soothingly. "Definitely not." "I know, I know!" Angela said, waving one hand in the air. "What?" Ivan said, at her a little."Banana!" she said brightly. He stared at her, . "What?""BANANA!" Angela said, pointing. A banana dropped on Ivan's head and went splat. Goop snickered. "Hey!" Ivan spluttered. "That wasn't very appealing! Who did that?" |
"I did!" said a big yellow bird with purple eyes. It looked like a flamingo, except it was yellow. "Oh. My. God!" said the Snit. "It's a Banana Bird! I thought they only lived in my dreams!" Goop scratched his chin. "Hmmm... So one of your stupid fantasies has finally come to life... That sucks." The Snit turned on him. "You're always raining on my parade!" "That's because your parades are so incredibly STUPID!" "But at least I HAVE a parade!" Goop turned red. "Why you little-""Boys!" Angela shouted. "Please! That is NOT how you play the banana game!" "Yeah!" said the Banana Bird and then it threw an over-ripe banana at Angela. She ducked and the banana splatted on Ivan. "Hey!" He licked his lips. "Hmmm... Banana nana mo nana... Naa na." Goop grabbed the Banana Bird's long skinny neck. Banana Bird squawked. "Help! Help! Somebody call 9-1-1!" "Stop it, Goop!" yelled the Snit. "Stop it! You're killing my dream!" |
| "So what?" Goop yelled back. "I'm so mad, I can't even express myself correctly!" "What?" Angela said blankly. Stray bits of banana splattered her as Ivan wiped the splat off him. "Hey!" she said, glaring at him. "Sorry," he shrugged. "Now, play the Banana Game properly," Angela instructed Goop and the Snit, removing Goop's protuberances from the Banana Bird. "You know what to do." "I do?" Goop asked. "Yes, you do," Angela glared. Goo's eye stalks swiveled in all directions in alarm. "Okay, okay!" he said. "Fine...how do we play, Banana Bird?" |
"Everybody line up and hold hands," said the B-Bird. The Snit scowled. "No way I'm gonna hold anybody's hand." Angela said, "Aw, come on, Snit, you can be agreeable for a moment, can't you?" and she tried to pat the Snit's head but he scooted out from under her hand. "Forget about him," Ivan said. "Join hands with us, Angela. Ivan, Goop, and Angela stood in a line holding hands while the Snit perched on a chair and watched. The B-Bird raised his wings. "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, watch me closely and do what I do." Everybody raised their arms. The B-Bird flapped his wings. Everybody flapped their arms. The B-Bird curled his long Flamingo neck down and tucked his head under one wing. "We can't do that!" Ivan said. "Look at me," Goop said. "I did it." Angela looked and immediately felt . "Please put your head back up straight. That looks so uncomfortable. On the plus side you can lick your own armpit.""That's a plus?" Ivan asked. |
| "Well, I'm sure for Goop it is," Angela said. "Personally, I think it's disgusting." "Hey!" Goop said indignantly, looking at her from under his armpit. "I'm being perfectly normal." "Not for HERE," Angela insisted. "Anyway...what else, Banana Bird?" He stood on one leg. Angela attempted to do so and immediately fell over into Ivan, starting a domino effect around the room. The Snit crawled out from under the pile of bodies, fuming ."Oh, no!" Ivan cried out in and horror. "He's going to have a snit!" |
There was a horrible squeaking noise, much like when you rub a balloon until it is almost about to pop... and then there WAS a pop, but not a sharp balloon pop. More like a plop, really. And then there was another snit, a smaller version of the original snit, and instead of being yellow, he was orange. "Oh, that's so cute!" Angela gushed. Both snits shouted in unison, "I am not cute!" |
| "Yes, you are," Angela insisted. "You're just the cutest wittle things, oh yes, you are," she cooed over them, talking in baby talk. Both snits glared at her. One reached over and tried to bite her, but she jerked her hand away. "Hey!" she ed. "That's not nice!""WE'RE not nice!" the snits said in unison. "Hmmph," Angela pouted, hiding behind Ivan. "YOU deal with them!" |
Ivan looked sternly at the snits. "You fellows better be good or I'll feed you to the Boojams." The snits laughed. "There ain't no Boojams! You made that up!" "Oh yeah? ... Then you won't be afraid to go into the hall closet, will you?" The snits got very quiet. "There's no Boojams in that closet," they said, their voices quavering a little. Ivan put his hands on his hips. "Go take a look." The snits looked at each other. "You go," said the big snit to the little snit. "No, you go," said the little snit. "No, you!" "You!" "That's enough!" Ivan roared. "You're BOTH going!" "You can't make us!" the snits screamed as they ran off in separate directions to hide. "Well, at least you got rid of them," Angela said. "Yep, and now..." Ivan said, "I have to make a deal with Goop. If it works out then you will see some changes around here. Can you prepare a snack for Goop? I think something good to eat will put him in the right mood." |
| "Okay," Angela nodded. "But what do Goops eat? I don't know what he wants!" "Hmm," Ivan said, looking at Goop, whose eyestalks twisted wildly around in every direction. "Try everything!" "But if he doesn't like things, what does he do?" Angela protested. Ivan shrugged. "Throw them at you!" he suggested. "I don't know! Just try." Casting a ed glance at Goop, Angela started throwing things together. Goop watched her impatiently, one eyestalk twitching."How's--how's this, Sir Goop?" she asked tremulously, presenting a bowl of ice cream. |
Goop carefully tasted the ice cream with one of his tongues and then turned an eyestalk toward Angela. "That's good! Goop love you now." Angela ed. "Thank you."Goop extended a tentacle and wrapped it around Angela's waist. "Goop love you now." Angela was a little ed. "Uh... thanks, but if you don't mind..." and she tried to pry the tentacle loose, but it was very strong... and a little slimy.Goop pulled Angela down to sit beside him on the sofa. "Goop love you now." Another tentacle wrapped around Angela. |
| "He's like an octopus, all over me!" Angela whispered in to Ivan. "Just accept him, Angela, he likes you," Ivan said as Goop wrapped another tentacle around her. "Um..." Angela stared wide-eyed at Goop. "Goop love you!" Goop said brightly in utter ."Goop is a broken record," Angela muttered. "Goop, get off me!" "No!" Goop refused. "Goop LOVE YOU!" "Okay, okay, I get it," Angela said. "You love me. NOW could you get off of me?" |
"First, Goop make babies. Lot's of little Goop-Angelas." Angela screamed. "Nooooooooooooo!" With a Herculean effort she managed to break free. She stood on the other side of the room gasping for breath. "Ivan, if that thing comes near me I will kill it. Do you understand?" "Sure, sure... Geez! I've never seen you so ... Please don't offend my guests with your temper.""Ivan! You moron! That thing was going to rape me!" "He's not a thing. He's a Martian. And I really don't think Martians are sexually compatible with humans." "But he was going to try, Ivan? Don't you get it?" "But he doesn't have a... you know... what you need to have sex with." Angela put her hands on her hips and her eyes. "A penis, Ivan? Is that what you are trying to say? Goop doesn't have a penis?"Ivan ed. "Well... yeah. Martians reproduce by assimilating each other. They merge into a single organism by grabbing each other with their tentacles and then when they are completely merged they split into a hundred pieces and each piece becomes a new Martian."Angela shook her head. "I don't care if they sing Hallelujah and dance a square dance while they change the lightbulbs in the diningroom chandelier... I do not want any part of it. Is that understood, Ivan?" "Yeah, sure. Goop? Did you hear that? "Yes," Goop said. "I heard that. I am very but I understand. Angela is frigid.""Oh, you are so disgusting!" Angela said and sat down in a big overstuffed chair. "Don't talk to me anymore." The snits gathered around Goop. "We like you," they said. Ivan ed. "Awwwwwww..." |
| "And I am NOT frigid!" Angela fumed to herself. "I just don't want to be assimilated!" "Yes, Angela," Ivan said soothingly. "It's all right, really..." He dropped a handful of ice cubes on her head. "HEY!" she sputtered indignantly. "What was that for?" "For making Goop feel sad," Ivan retorted. "The snits are cheering him up, but you made him sad." "He's a MARTIAN who wants to ASSIMILATE me!" Angela said in .Goop pouted. "See, you made him cry!" Ivan said. Goop ed. |
"POOP!" Angela shouted. "If I wasn't trapped in this dumb situation I would stomp out of this room and never see any of you again!" Ivan clicked his tongue. "You're not trapped, Angela. If you don't like my party you can leave any time you want." "No I can't. It would hurt your feelings and I don't like to hurt anybody's feelings." "You hurt Goop's feelings." "He's not human. He doesn't count." "That's anti-alien prejudice, Angela. How is Earth ever to assume it's rightful place in galactic civilization if people have attitudes like-" "Shut up, Ivan. I don't care. If Goop represents galactic civilization then I don't want any part of it." Goop and the Snits started singing The Star-Spangled Banner. "See?" Ivan said. "They like Earth. They like America. I'm on to something big here, Angela. Please don't ruin it for me." Angela looked at Ivan's big pleading eyes. "Ivan... I don't want to offend you... But... I don't think you have the... competence to handle something as big as extraterrestrial contacts. The government should do it, not you." Ivan shook his head. "No... no, they would just screw it up. Besides... what would I get out of it if they did it? I'm telling you, Angela. This will make me rich and famous! Can't you see that?" |
| I see it will make you broke and unknown, Angela thought but did not say. "I see it will make you broke and unknown!" Angela burst out, than instantly ed."Hey!" Ivan said. "You know that that won't happen...I could be good! I could be a contender!" "Have you been watching those old movies on TV Land again?" Angela asked skeptically. "Ivan, Goop is a pervert. The Snits are deranged, angry maniacs that literally have fits. I don't think it's going to work out." "Yes, it is!" Ivan ed. "Stop crushing all my dreams!""Well, I didn't mean to do that!" Angela said. "Come on, Ivan..." "Hug Goop if you mean that," Ivan said, ing."Er..." "Do it! Extend the hand of peace!" "And be groped by the tentacle of debauchery," Angela muttered under her breath. She approached Goop gingerly. "Um, hug, Goop? Goop hug?" |
And so peace and happiness once again enveloped the Whittington household in a warm glow. It felt like a coke drinking moment, but suddenly the happy party was disturbed by a rumbling sound. "What's that?" Angela gasped as she struggled to keep her balance. The house shook. "Just mother ship landing," Goop said. "Oh good," Ivan said. "Maybe now I can meet your Supreme Leader." The party moved out to the back yard where they had a better view of the mother ship descending. It was a mile long and crushed all the houses on the street behing theirs. "Whew!" Angela said. "I just had the weirdest daydream. Say, Goop... how big is your mother ship?" Goop scratched his chest plate. "Mother ship? What you talkin' bout, Angela?" "How did you get to Earth?" "Oh, no problem. I used the Intragalactic Teleporter. Very quick. And reasonable. Only 50 credits for Mars to Earth, one-way." "Why didn't you buy a round-trip ticket?" |
| "Um..." Goop stared, dumbstruck at the idea. "Um, uh, um..." "Yeah, couldn't even a round-trip and you expect me to help him," Angela thought. "Yeah, right." "I get lost easily," Goop said defensively. "I, er, wasn't sure I could make it back in time for the way back!" "Uh-huh...slacker," Angela coughed, blushing a bright red that he said complimented her "narrow beauty," whatever that meant... "What did you say?" Goop asked suspiciously. "Nothing!" she exclaimed. "Absolutely nothing." |
"Yes you did!" Goop shouted. "You said something! Am I a Martian fool? Do I not have ears? Something was said! Now you deny it, Earth Girl, but you have not won. Nooooo, you will regret this day. Mark my words." "Now, now," Ivan said. "Let's not all get upset over nothing." Goop turned purple. "Nothing? You call that nothing? The deal is off, Ivan! Goop has left the building!" And Goop went out the front door, slamming it behind him. Ivan ran out after him shouting, "Wait! Goop! Wait!" Angela looked at the Snits. They shrugged their shoulders. The big Snit said, "Do you want to get some pizza?" |
| "Sure! Sounds good to me!" Angela smiled. "What kind of pizza?" "Well, I like marshmallow and sardine myself," the big Snit said. Angela wrinkled her nose, looking ."I know not everyone likes that!" the Snit said defensively. "And you would be right," Angela said. "Eww. How about pepperoni?" "I guess that works," the big Snit said. "What do you think?" "ANCHOVIES!" the little Snit squeaked. The big Snit hit it. "NO!" the Snit shouted. "Bad little Snit! No anchovies!" "O...kay..." Angela said. "Fine, just pepperoni...um, you can stop hitting it now?" |
The little Snit's eyes were plus signs and birdies and stars circled his head. "Yeah," the big Snit said. "Sometimes I hit the little fellow too hard and he goes all looney toons on me. Don't worry. He'll be okay by the time the pizza gets here. Did you call them?" "We just decided to get pizza. How could I have already called them?" "Okay, no need to get snippy. We'll never have any pizza to eat if you don't call them." "I AM going to call them!" "Well, "going" to call them is not "calling" them, is it?" Angela glared at the big Snit. "If you don't quit harrassing me about calling for pizza then I just might not call them at all." The big Snit shrugged. "I wouldn't have to harrass you if you would just go to the phone and make the call." "Don't you get it?" Angela shouted. "I intended to make the call. I WANTED to make the call. But you didn't give me even 5 seconds before you were asking if I made the call or not! That's why I am angry!" "Anger is not going to get us any pizza." Angela threw up her arms and said "Argh!" and stomped down the hall to the telephone. |
| "About time," the big Snit said behind her. She started to grind her teeth as she lifted up the telephone receiver and dialed the number. "Hello, would you like to buy a wiener dog?" the voice asked on the other end. She stared at the phone in ."I want to get a pizza..." she trailed off. "Oh, sorry," the boy said. "One moment...hello, this is Billy Bob's Pizza. What would you like?" "A pepperoni," Angela said. The little Snit woke up and toddled dazedly down the hallway. "With ANCHOVIES," he insisted, his eyes crossing. "No," Angela said, putting her hand over the receiver. The door banged open all of a sudden, making Angela jump and shriek. "You!" she gasped. |
In walked Clyde, Angela's old boyfriend. He was a lumberjack now, a gay lumberjack. His flannel shirt was deep maroon with a pink plaid pattern worked with some fine gold threads that caught the light. "That's a nice shirt," Angela said. "Why are you here?" "I'm thinking about becoming straight again." Angela gasped. "But when we broke up you said you were living a lie, that you were gay and always would be, and that's why you had to break up with me." Clyde shrugged. He was wearing chocolate brown corduroy pants and some very soft calfskin boots with gold buckles... small buckles, not too tacky. "Yes," Clyde said. "I know I said that, but perhaps I was too hasty. I thought being a gay lumberjack would be glamorous, but... it's not like I expected it to be." "What?" Angela said into the phone. "Oh, I'm sorry! I was interrupted." She gave the pizza man the address and hung up. "Did you get the anchovies?" shouted the little Snit. "Yes, yes, I ordered two pizzas, one with and one without." "Good," said the Snit and went back to working his crossword puzzle. Angela looked at Clyde. "Sooooo... you came back?" "Yep! Now we can be a couple again." Clyde grinned. "Not so fast. I'm not sure about this. We broke up. I got over you. I moved on." Clyde frowned. "So you have a new boyfriend?" "No... but... that doesn't mean I just want to jump back into a failed relationship. And you said you were gay! You just can't be gay one day and then not gay the next!" |
| "Sure you can!" Clyde protested. "No, you can't," Angela said, shaking her head. "It's not like that. You can't change your orientation like that. And besides, you said it was because of me that you became a gay lumberjack!" She glared at him, looking ."Well...maybe it wasn't JUST because of you..." he waffled. Unnoticed by either of them, the little Snit wandered up and stole the waffle, munching on it contentedly. "I am not getting back together with you," Angela said, facing off against him. Just then, the door opened again and Ivan came stumbling disgruntedly back in. "Clyde? What is he doing here?" Ivan asked, ."Nothing," Angela said, giving him a meaningful glance. "He was just leaving, wasn't he?" Clyde ed."Is this your new boyfriend, then?" he asked. "Ewwww, God, no!" Angela said, looking . "He's my cousin! Don't be disgusting!" |
"Hey!" Clyde said. "I'm from the Ozarks, remember? There's nothing disgusting about marrying your cousins." "Right on!" Ivan said. "I've always thought Angela would make a good wife." "Ivan!" Angela gasped and smacked him on the head."I'm just kidding! Cheese!" "So, Angela," Clyde said. "Maybe you'll change your mind later when you remember how cool we were together." "No I won't," Angela said. "Yeah, but maybe you will, so I'll just hang around town for awhile. You call me at the Desoto Hotel when you change your mind." "I'm not going to change my mind." "Yeah, but if you do... call me." "Good-bye, Ivan. Forever." "Okay, see you later, Angela." Angela watched Clyde walk away and her eyes. "What a loser. I'll never date him again."Ivan shrugged. "Yeah, but who knows? Maybe you will." "No I won't," Angela said. The little Snit brushed the waffle crumbs off his crossword puzzle and looked up. "You might." |
| "What part of I WON'T do you not understand????" Angela shouted, growing irate. "...But you might," the others chorus. Angela shrieked and ran out in circles. "I bet your cousin is looking pretty good now, isn't he," the little Snit said knowledgeably. "Ewwwww," Angela said, again. "He's...he's my cousin! We don't live in the Ozarks! NO!""Well, it's him or Clyde," the big Snit said and shrugged. "You MIGHT end up with either one." "Nooooooo!" Angela screamed, running down the hallway. |
The Little Snit looked at Ivan. "So what did Goop say? Is he coming back." "I don't know. He says he has to think about it. His feelings have been hurt." "Oh. Too bad. Can you get the door? I think it's our pizza." Ivan paid the pizza man and gave the anchovy pizza to the Little Snit. They sat and watched Oprah while they munched on their pizzas. The Little Snit pointed at Oprah. "Would you say she's fat?" "Big-boned," Ivan said. "How about chunky?" "Whatever. We could watch Ellen." "She's a little chunky too, but not as much." "What's with you and chunkiness? Who cares how chunky the host is as long as the show is good." With a shrug the Little Snit finished off his last piece of pizza and mumbled, "You're not going to help the epidemic of obesity in America if you don't take a stand against chunkiness." "Obese. Not obese. I don't care. It's not contagious so it's not an epidemic." |
| "How do you know it's not contagious?" Angela asked, coming back down the hall. She looked fairly composed, although her hair stood out in wild, frizzy clumps, and her eyes were bugging out of her head. "I just do," the Little Snit said, his mouth still full. "For all you know, that's why you're so fat," Angela pointed out. "Hey!" the Little Snit protested. "I'm not fat! I just have big bones!""You don't even have bones, though..." Ivan said, confused. "SHUT UP!" the Little Snit yelled, growing and flustered. "OK, I admit it! I'm a fatty! Look! I'm fat! I KNOW!""Calm down," the Big Snit said. "Geez Louise, if anyone should be angry, it's me. You're the one who split off from me. If you're fat, what am I?" "I'm not going to answer that one..." Angela said, tiptoeing backwards. |
There was a big crash as Angela knocked over the table in the hall. "Oops!" Ivan made his angry face. "Geez, Angela, why do you have to walk backwards? You always break something.""I'll clean it up," Angela said. "I'll help you," Clyde whispered. Angela shrieked. "Where did you come from? I thought you left." Clyde smiled his sly smile. "That's what I wanted you to think. I've been hanging around in the yard peeking though the windows at you... "Ewww," Angela said. "...and when I saw your little accident I rushed in to help." The Little Snit yelled, "She wants to date you again, Clyde!" "I do not!" Angela shouted. "Go away! Ewww! You're disgusting. You're like a bad dream that keeps happening over and over." |
| "Now, now, Angela, you know you want me," Clyde said. "Even the Little Snit thing over there--wow, is that thing fat--knows it." "Hey!" the Little Snit protested, disregarded. "He's lying!" Angela exclaimed. "I do NOT want to date you again! I never even wanna see you again!" "Just admit it," Clyde said. "It's okay, Angela, you're in a safe environment now...you can tell the truth." "Well...the truth is..." Angela took a deep breath. "Yes?" Clyde encouraged her. "I can't stand the sight of you and I never want to see you again, you disgusting cretin!" Angela shouted at the top of her lungs. Clyde gasped in , starting to a little."Aw...I didn't mean to make you cry," Angela said in remorse, ing."Well, you did!" Clyde said. "Won't you go out with me just one last time? 'Cause you made me cry?" He sniffled into his handkerchief. "Well, may--" she stopped. "Is this just a pitiful way to try to get back together with me?" "What do you think?" |
"I think it is," Angela said. "Boo hoo hoo!" Clyde cried. "How could you think that? Am I not human? Do you think I have no feelings?" "Alright, alright," Angela said. "Stop crying. I can't stand to see a man cry. I'll go out with you but just for one hour... to the sandwich shop and we'll eat a sandwich." "What kind of sandwich?" "Sardine." "What?! I don't want a sardine sandwich. That's disgusting." "You stopped crying mighty fast." "I'm still sad inside. But you are cheering me up. You're nice, Angela." Clyde stroked Angela's hair. She jumped away. "Don't touch me. We're just going to eat a sandwich and that's all." |
| "Sure it is," the Little Snit har-har'ed under his breath. Angela punched him. "Owww, what was that for?" "It is JUST a sandwich because it's pathetic to see him cry," she said. "But does it have to be a sardine sandwich?" Clyde pouted. "Yes," she said. "That's my favorite kind of sandwich. Plus, then you'll want to move as far away from me as possible. It should work well." "But I could never move away from you!" Clyde protested. "You will," Angela promised, an evil light in her eyes as she started to . "Believe me, you will."We'll be right back," Angela promised Ivan. "So what do we do?" Ivan asked. "I don't know!" Angela said. "If I'm not back within an hour, send for help!" |
After Angela and Clyde left, Ivan stared out the window for awhile. Finally he asked the Little Snit, "Did you set the timer?" "Yes, I did. But there is still 55 minutes to go before the hour is up." Ivan sighed. "Life can be a drag sometimes." "I know what you mean," the Little Snit said, putting his arm around Ivan's thigh. "Don't touch me there," Ivan said. "But I'm too short to put my arm around your shoulders." "Then just don't touch me at all." The Little Snit shrugged his narrow little shoulders. "Somebody is a Grumpy Grump." Gorp put down his newspaper. "Are me and the Big Snit still in this?" "I think so," the Little Snit said. "I don't remember you getting killed off or anything." "Well, duh. I knew we didn't get killed off. I just forgot whether we got sent on some dumb errand." "It wouldn't necessarily be dumb," said an offended voice in the ceiling. "Oooo, haunted!" said the Little Snit. "This place is stupid," Gorp said and went back to reading his newspaper. The Little Snit put his finger to his chin and looked around thoughtfully. "But where, oh where has the Big Snit gone?" |
| "I'm up here, you idiot," the voice said again from the ceiling. "How did you get up there?!?" the Little Snit asked in ."Ivan over there drop-kicked me 'cause he was bored," the Big Snit said in offended tones. "Sorry," Ivan said. "I was bored." "That is NOT a good excuse! And could someone get me down???" Gorp got up languidly, reached up, and yanked the Big Snit down in a shower of dust. "There," he said and returned to his newspaper. "How much longer now?" Ivan fidgeted impatiently. "Fifty-two minutes," the Little Snit said. Ivan sighed heavily. "I am never going to make it," he said, slumping in his chair. |
"Why don't you go online and read something," the Little Snit suggested. "Hmmmm..." Ivan said. "I could check the In&Outs at WDC, maybe add something to a campfire.... Naaaa! I want to do something else!" "What?" "I don't know! I'm too bored to think of what to do. Help me, Little Snit, help me!" Little Snit shrugged. "Sorry. I just get a kick out of doing nothing. I don't see it as a problem." "What's the timer say now?" "Forty-nine minutes until Angela gets back." "God! I can't take this waiting! I'm gonna flip out and do something stupid - I just KNOW it! Maybe you better tie me to a chair or something." "I could lock you in the bathroom?" "No! I might take an overdose or slash my wrists or drown in the tub! Geez! Why would you lock me in the most dangerous room in the house?" Gorp looked up from his newspaper. "Why don't you talk with ME? I have a calming influence." Ivan frowned. "You? I don't see why you would be so calming." "Well, I am. Come over here and sit on my lap." "You don't have a lap." "Well sit next to me then." |
| Meanwhile... Angela took another savage bite of her sardine sandwich, rending it viciously, molecule by molecule, with every evidence of savage enjoyment. Clyde couldn't help but gulp nervously at the evil still lurking on her face."Still so sure this was a good idea?" she asked, arching an eyebrow as she snarfed a sardine whole. "Yes," Clyde maintained, a expression on his face. He gingerly nibbled at his sandwich."So what do you want to talk about?" Angela asked, slurping the sardine oil off her fingers. "This," Clyde said, stuffing a potato sack over her head. "AAAAAH!" she yelled, her voice muffled. "What are you doing? Hey, put me down!" "No," Clyde shouted back. "You're supposed to be mine! You know it! Just agree!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo," Angela said, just as a stray potato fell and hit her on the head. |
When Angela woke up she was in a dark place bouncing around and her hands were tied. The trunk of a car! That stupid stupid Clyde was kidnapping her! If only Ivan could hear her telepathic calls for help... Gorp had his arm around Ivan's shoulder. "Feel better now?" "Yes," Ivan said. "I'm calmer and more relaxed. Do all Martians have a calming influence?" "No, not all of them. Some of them inspire humans into a frenzy of lust and destruction. Naturally, they don't get jobs in the diplomatic corps." "Naturally," Ivan said. "Hey! Did you hear that?" "What?" Gorp said. "I'm not sure. It sounded like a weak telepathic cry for help." "Do you get those often?" "Usually only after I eat too much pepperoni pizza... but this one felt strangely real and convincing... as though someone I know was in serious trouble..." "Odd," Gorp said. "Who do you suppose it could be?" |
| "I don't know..." Ivan trailed off. "Wait! Oh my God! It must be Angela!" "Clyde must have kidnapped her!" Gorp said. "Ivan! You must rescue her!" "But how could I rescue her?" Ivan said, ing. "I mean, Clyde's awfully big...""Ivan! Don't be a wimp!" Gorp snapped. "Your cousin is in trouble! Some crazy Ozark guy has kidnapped her and she's telepathically asking YOU for help! You have to save her!" The Little Snit and the Big Snit nodded firmly in agreement. "All right, all right!" Ivan said, throwing up his hands. "I'll save her. I don't know how, but I'll save her. Okay??" "Yay!" Gorp cheered, clapping his hands. A stray  floated from the ceiling. "Now go rescue Angela!""All right!" Ivan said, grabbing his jacket and scrambling out the door. The Little Snit turned to Gorp. "Well, what do you think?" "He's doomed." |
Ivan ran as fast as he could toward the direction of the telepathic call for help. Then he screeched to a stop. His car! That would be faster. He ran back to his house and jumped in his [insert current product endorsement here] and drove furiously until he felt the call grow stronger. "Aha," he murmured to himself. "Methinks the situation calls for action. And yet I have an insane desire to pull over and sit in the car murmuring to myself. I shall resist that urge and overcome my fears." Ivan pulled up behind Clyde's Lincoln Towncar and blew his horn. Clyde accelerated. Ivan accelerated. Soon there were police sirens. Angela bounced around in Clyde's trunk, screaming with fright and wetting her pants. Suddenly there was a feeling of weightlessness, then sudden impact, then blackness. Ivan stared down the embankment at the crumpled wreckage of Clyde's Lincoln Towncar. "Angela! Angela!" He ran down to the car. |
| Ivan saw a tangle of blonde hair and his heart nearly stopped in his chest. Angela lay limply on the ground, having been thrown from the trunk. Her hands were tied in front of her with duct tape and a jump-rope. Her eyes were closed. "Angela!" he shouted, nearly falling down on the ground. Her eyelids seemed to flutter a little. He fell to his knees, grasping her shoulders. "Angela?" he said softly. "I'm sorry I made you go with Clyde...please wake up..." He looked up as the police yanked Clyde out of the car and handcuffed him, leading him away. "I just loved her!" Clyde shouted. "What's wrong with loving her?" "Nothing," said one officer, "it was the kidnapping her that did you in." Ivan turned back to Angela, who was still perfectly still save for the tiny up-and-down motion of her chest, showing that she was still breathing. "WAKE UP, ANGELA!" he yelled, getting the jump-rope unwound from her wrists. Her eyelids fluttered open. "He kidnapped me," she said. "Yes, he did," Ivan said soothingly, struggling with the duct tape. "He kidnapped me," she repeated, anger growing in her voice. "Yeah..." "THAT LITTLE WEASEL KIDNAPPED ME!" Angela shrieked at the top of her lungs, looking . And then she started to ."Don't cry!" Ivan said, ed. He started patting her hair frantically, trying to calm her down. "Please don't cry."She started blubbering, her entire body shaking. It somehow reminded Ivan of a deranged walrus, and he quickly got those thoughts out of his head. It wasn't fair to poor Angela. "My head hurts," she finally said, her voice hoarse and cracked from sobbing. "A lot." "Well, that's because...oh my God!" Ivan gasped. "What? What?" Angela said, ed."Oh, nothing, sorry," Ivan said. "You just have a bump on your head." |
The whooping of a siren in the distance grew louder and then there was the screech of brakes as an ambulance slammed to a stop at the top of the embankment. A paramedic leaped out and hollered, "Hello down there! Where's the dead girl?" "She's here!" Ivan yelled, "but she's not dead!" "They told us she was dead!" "Well, she's NOT dead but she's injured. Can you help?" "I'm sure the dispatcher said dead." "Well the dispatcher was WRONG! Can you get down here and help her!" "Sure, sure, don't get your nose out of joint." The two paramedics scrambled down the bank with their stretcher. One paramedic was short and fat and one was tall and skinny. The fat one looked at Angela and said, "Oh my God!" "What? What is it?" Angela said. "Nothing. You just have a bump on your head." The skinny paramedic whispered to the fat one, "Do you think she will survive the trip to the hospital?" "I heard that!" Angela said. "Tell me! Tell me what's wrong with me!" |
| "Nothing," the fat paramedic said soothingly. "You just have a bump on your head." "WHAT ELSE?" Angela demanded, looking panicky. "Well..." the paramedic trailed off doubtfully. "If you're sure you can handle it..." "I'm sure, I'm sure!" Angela said frantically. "I don't know," Ivan said, squeezing her hand, offering comfort. "I don't know if she can take it." "Of course I can!" Angela glared at Ivan. He patted her hand again, taking a second to stroke her hair away from her face. "I don't know," he confided to the paramedics. "She's pretty delicate." "I AM NOT," Angela shouted, starting to grow irate. "Just tell me!" "Should we?" the fat paramedic looked at Ivan. |
Ivan laughed. "Oh, you guys! Let's stop teasing her and get her to the hospital." Fats and Skinny laughed. "Hahaha! We really yanked her chain!" Ivan slapped Fats on the shoulder. "She thought she was seriously injured. Hahahaha!" Angela glared at them. "Can somebody please wipe the blood off my head?" Skinny tossed her his handkerchief. "Well, it's been fun talking to you folks, but we just heard on the radio that some guy fell out of an airplane. We have to go check that out now." "Do you think he's dead?" Fats asked. "Naw," Skinny said. "The dispatcher just said he fell. She would have said dead if he was dead." "I don't know," Fats said. "She was wrong about this one." "Yeah... makes you think, doesn't it?" |
| "Not really," Skinny shrugged. "Anyway, just take her up to the hospital or whatever, she's not that bad." "Will do!" Ivan saluted as the paramedics left. Angela glared at him, her eyes still full of tears. "Oh, don't cry," Ivan said soothingly, bending over and picking Angela up. "Put your arms around my neck," he directed. She did so, resisting the urge to start throttling him. "Now, let's take you to the doctor, and then back home," he said. "I'm sure Gorp and the Snits are quite ed about you.""Ha," she snorted under her breath.  "They're probably rejoicing that we're not there.""Now would they do that?" Ivan asked. "YES!" Angela said. Ivan sighed and shook his head, before leaning down and  ing her forehead."Stop that," he said. "They're probably just waiting for us to come home..." |
Gorp looked up from his newspaper. "What's a four letter word for 'indefatigable'?" Little Snit rolled his . "Do I look like a dictionary?""A little bit. You have kind of a chunky look. It reminds me of Webster's 11th Collegiate Edition." Little Snit did the thing again. "What happened to the Big Snit?""I don't know," Gorp said. "Am I the Big Snit's keeper? Maybe he got tired of this whole situation and went off looking for adventure." "But I miss the big guy. He was like a brother to me. Or a father. You know what I mean." "Yeah. Sure. What's a four letter word for 'genetic anomaly'?" |
| "GORP!" The Little Snit said in frustration. "That's what the answer is! You are a genetic anomaly!" "Now there's no need to lash out just because you're stupid and don't know the answer," Gorp said disapprovingly. "AAAAAARGH!" the Little Snit shrieked. The door banged open and Ivan stumbled in, still carrying Angela. A large white bandage swathed most of her head. "Goodness!" the Little Snit gasped in . "What happened to you?!?""Long story," Ivan said, carrying Angela in and setting her gently on the couch. "Well, it's not like we have anything better to do," Gorp said, setting aside his newspaper. "Let's hear it." |
Ivan thought for a moment. "Okay. Good idea. Pull some chairs up in a circle and I'll need a box to stand on." Gorp looked up over the top of his horn-rimmed spectacles. "I said a story not a speech." "If I'm going to tell the Story of Angela's Adventure then I want to tell it right." "Well your idea of right is my idea of wrong. Forget I asked." "Fine then! Now you'll never know what happened." Gorp turned back to his newspaper. "Oh, I'll know what happened all right. I have my ways." "Your weird Martian ways?" But Gorp pretended he didn't hear Ivan and just kept reading his newspaper. The Little Snit tugged Ivan's pants leg. "Sir, I want to hear the story. But please. I am small. Can you give me the condensed version?" "Arrrgh!" Ivan said. "Why does no one want to hear a proper story?" |
| "Because they're plebians," Angela sniffed from her reclining position on the couch, her head still swathed in bandages. "Tell the proper story, anyway!" "I shall!" Ivan declared grandiloquently, climbing up onto the coffee table and waving his arms. Gorp snorted and moved over, rattling his newspaper in a disagreeable manner. The Little Snit yawned. "Oh, are you starting? 'Cause I wanted to take a nap..." "AAAARGH!" Ivan yelled, so loud that he dislodged the Big Snit from his perch in the ceiling. "So that's where he went..." Gorp remarked with disinterest. "WHEEEE!" the Big Snit said, spinning crazily around the room. "Can I FINALLY tell this story, please?" Ivan said in frustration. |
The Big Snit stuck out his chin. "I know the story. I heard it on the grapevine. Angela's creepy boyfriend kidnapped her. Ivan chased them. The car crashed. Ivan brought Angela back. Is that about it?" "You ruined all the suspense!" Ivan shouted. "You don't know anything about telling stories! You RUINED it for everybody!" Angela weakly waved her fingers. "That's alright, Ivan. I know they're all glad to see I survived. I'm glad to be back, fellows." Gorp kept reading his newspaper. The Big Snit and the Little Snit looked at each other and shrugged. "It's good to be loved," Angela said. "You know what we need?" Ivan said. The Little Snit jumped up. "No! How many guesses do we get?" "No guesses. I'll just tell you what we need." "Awwwwwwww... poof!" "Now listen carefully," Ivan said, "because I'm only going to say this twice..." |
| "How many times again?" The Little Snit interrupted. Ivan glared at him. "TWICE!" he yelled. "I'm going to say it twice! Don't you ever listen?" "No," the Little Snit admitted cheerfully. "Never." "This is pointless," Ivan sighed, ."No, no, explain," Angela said, moaning from the couch at the pain in her head. "Or I'll force you to do my every whim because I'm wounded." "You're going to do that, anyway," Ivan said. "Yes, but I'll be much meaner about it," she said sweetly, batting her eyelashes. "The choice is yours." |
"What we need," Ivan said, "is a treasure hunt!" Angela groaned. "Oh, Ivan, you're so stupid. The last thing I want to do right now is run around looking for odd pieces of junk." "No! It's a great idea! It will take your mind off your headache!" "My mind IS my headache. I am all headache. Nothing can separate me and my headache." Ivan looked at the Little Snit. "What do you think about my idea?" The Little Snit look puzzled. "Huh?" "Didn't you hear what I said about a treasure hunt?" "Not really." Gorp looked up from his newspaper. "What sort of treasures do you have in mind?" Ivan shrugged. "I hadn't thought that far ahead yet. Do you have any ideas?" "No," Gorp said and went back to his reading. Angela fluttered her fingers. "Ivan, can you get me a glass of cool water, please?" |
| "Yes, Angela," Ivan sighed, bringing her a glass of water. "With ice cubes, please," she said. Ivan brought her a different glass of water. "Thank you!" she said brightly. "Now, about the scavenger hunt," Ivan started to say. "Could I have a compress for my head?" Angela interrupted politely. "What? Oh, sure," Ivan retrieved one for her and settled it gently on her head. "Now, what I was thinking..." "Ivan? Could I have another drink? I'm afraid I finished it," Angela said apologetically. "Yes, Angela," Ivan sighed, refilling her glass. "Now like I was saying..." "Ivan?" |
But Ivan was hiding in the pantry, munching on some Wheat Thins and drinking from a warm can of Dr Pepper. Gorp rustled his newspaper. "Has anyone checked to see if today's newspaper has arrived yet?" "I thought you were already reading it," Angela said. "No, this is yesterday's. I've been waiting for today's" "Why don't you go look? I'm sick. I can't go look." "How about you, Little Snit?" Gorp asked. "Huh?" Little Snit said and picked at his nose. "Oh never mind. I'll go look myself." Gorp attempted to get out of the chair but he had been sitting in it so long his outer layer of skin was stuck to the fabric. "Oh this really bites!" he said. "Ivan! Ivan, can you come here?" Ivan scrunched himself down smaller in the pantry and listened. He felt like a rabbit hiding from a fox. Ivan began chuckling quietly and crumbs of Wheat Thins dribbled from his mouth. The Big Snit yawned and stretched. "Hey, Big Snit!" the Little Snit said. "You never do ANYTHING around here." The Big Snit shrugged. "NOBODY ever does anything around here. Except Angela. Getting her head bumped. That was it. And that wasn't much." "So?" said the Little Snit. "Why don't you get off your lazy ass and get out there and go do something interesting?" The Big Snit yawned. "Maybe later." |
| "I'm worried about Ivan," Angela said, ing. "I hope nothing happened to him!" "Eh, I'm sure nothing did," Gorp said dismissively. "No, I wanna check on him!" Angela insisted, struggling to lever herself to her feet. "You'll just huuurt yourself..." The Little Snit sing-songed. Angela made it to her feet and started to unsteadily find her way to the pantry. "Ivan?" she called. "Ivan, are you all right? Oh...I feel dizzy..." Angela swayed, her face turning a sickly pale color, almost matching the bandage on her head. "Told youuuuu," the Little Snit said. "Ivan?" Angela asked uncertainly just before crumpling to the ground. |
Ivan heard Angela calling him. Then he heard the sound of her body hitting the kitchen floor like a bag of potatos tossed off a potato truck. (Ivan used to work on a potato farm.) "Drat!" Ivan said. "Now I have to rejoin humanity and carry Angela back to the sofa. Drat! Drat! Drat!" But he got up and dragged Angela's inert shape back to the couch. "Give me a hand, you Snits!" and they helped roll her up onto the cushions. Angela's eyelids fluttered. "Ivan, can I have a glass of cool water, please?" Ivan sighed. "Yes, I'll get it for you." "Why don't you hire a nurse for her?" suggested the Big Snit. "Hmmmm," Ivan said. "Not a bad idea." Three hours later he was interviewing Nurse Priscilla Purse, a tight-mouthed woman with her hair tied back in a bun so tight it made her eyes look Asian. "Shall I call you Priscilla," Ivan said with a smile. "Please don't," she said with a frown. "I should be addressed as Nurse Purse. Ivan stared at her. Apparently she wasn't joking. |
| This is too creepy, Ivan thought. "I think that this position just isn't right for you," he said nervously. "Next!" Nurse Priscilla Purse stomped out rigidly, her back looking like it was made of iron. "She was creeeeeepy," the Little Snit whispered, crawling out from under the couch where it had been hiding. Angela's eyelids fluttered again. "Yes, dear?" Ivan asked, sounding resigned. "My head hurts..." she said plaintively. "That's because you hurt it, dear," Ivan said, at the Snits surreptitiously."Who's next?" he asked the Big Snit just before a loud knock sounded at the door like the crash of doom. BOOOM BOOOM BOOOOOOOOM! |
Ivan opened the door. Priscilla Purse was back. "Did you forget something?" Ivan said. "Yes, I forgot to get this job. I want you to tell me why you aren't hiring me?" "Well, uh... uh... I just hought you might be a little too strict for us. It's kind of relaxed here and you probably wouldn't like the casual atmosphere because-" Nurse Purse pushed Ivan back with one hand on his chest. "You think I can't do casual? Va-va-boom!" And she shook the bun out of her hair so that Ivan could see how long and lustrous her hair was. Then she popped open the top two buttons of her blouse so Ivan could see how round and firm her breasts were. Then she put her arms around Ivan's neck. "Well, big boy? Can I do casual?" "You sure can!" Ivan said. "You're hired!" Angela called in a weak voice from the couch, "Ivan, don't I get to have a say in who my nurse will be?" "Sure, sure. I'm glad you agree with me." Ivan didn't even look at Angela. "Well, Nurse Purse, I hope you can start right away." "I can," Nurse Purse said, and rebuttoned her blouse and put her hair back up in a bun. "Now where is this little malingerer who thinks she is so sick?" |
| Angela woke with a gasp, shaking her head from side to side, tears pouring down her face. "What is it, Angela?" Ivan was at her side in a flash, holding her hand. "Oh, it was awful," she gasped. "I dreamed that you hired that terrible Nurse Purse...she was evil...truly horrendous..." She shivered, still in ."Ha, ha, are you kidding?" Ivan  ed. "I would never hire that maniac! She's nuts!""Oh, good," Angela sagged in relief against the couch cushions. "I was afraid that you would for a minute...in the dream, I mean. That was scary." "I bet it was," the Big Snit agreed from his accustomed niche in the ceiling, making Angela jump a little in fright. |
Ivan went back to the kitchen to where Nurse Purse was preparing a potion for Angela. "I just don't think she's going to get used to the idea of having you for a nurse. After that sleeping pill you gave her she dreamed that you were never hired at all." Nurse Purse pursed her lips. "Hmmm... Leave it to me, Ivan. I have plenty of experience twisting people's minds. When I get through with her she will think it was HER idea to hire me in the first place." Ivan sighed. "I hope so, Nurse Purse. Things are really getting complicated around here." "Don't worry, Ivan. I know how to straighten out the little spoiled maidens. Yes I do. Mwahahaha!" |
| Suddenly, a loud gasp came from the door. Ivan whirled guiltily to see Angela standing there, her face dead white. "You..." she said in horror, her voice trembling. "NO! Ivan, how could you?" She started to .Ivan looked torn. "Um...well, Angela, honey, um, she was the uh best qualified for the position..." he babbled, crossing his fingers behind his back. "You mean the one with the best melons," Angela sniffed. "Hey!" Nurse Purse protested. "I can't help that." She put down the cantaloupe and honeydew melons she was holding indignantly. "You lied to me!" Angela said, her bottom lip trembling. "You said you wouldn't hire her!" "Er--and so I didn't!" Ivan quickly lied. "She's my...uh...um...girlfriend." "WHAT????" Angela and Nurse Purse stared at him in utter . |
"Yeah, that's right," Ivan said. "Nurse Purse is my girl!" Angela narrowed her eyes. "Then why do you call her Nurse Purse? What's her first name?" "It's Priscilla. Right, Priscilla, darling?" Nurse Purse frowned. "I told you never to call me that." "Um.... um..." Nurse Purse spat on the floor in disgust. "Oh don't be such a weasel, Ivan. You have hired me despite the wishes of your cousin. Now she must accept that. Remember, this is for her own good. In her current condition she does not know what is best for her." "Oh Ivan!" Angela cried. "How could you?" |
| "I'm sorry, Angela!" Ivan ed. "But what else could I do? I can't take care of you properly--I don't know how! I had to hire a nurse for you." He went down on one knee. "Because I care, Angela," he said sincerely, his eyes bright. "Awwwww," Angela melted in . Nurse Purse snorted, . "You're so sweet, Ivan! You're the best cousin a girl could have!""Now back to bed with you!" Ivan said, gently shoving her back towards the living room. Or perhaps not so gently, since she fell over. "Sorry," he said and ed. |
"Oh goody," Little Snit said. "Now everybody is happy again. I like it when people are happy." "Oh shut up, you Little Snit!" said Nurse Purse. "Ivan! She yelled at me!" Ivan patted the Little Snit's head. "Everybody is a little tense right now. Why don't you go play with your X-box." "I don't HAVE an X-box!" "Your imaginary X-box. Everybody has an imaginary X-box, don't they?" "I guess so. But it's not the same." "How would you know? You don't have a real X-box. I've heard an imaginary X-box is even BETTER than a real one!" "Really? Oh boy! Look! I'm putting in a game! I'm working the controller! I'm having fun, Ivan! Golly gee, Ivan! I'm having so. Much. Freaking. Fun." |
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